201 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. The Chicago Tribune also offered a powerful stance on this debate, questioning whether the art had allowed the artist to prey. Referencing the recent HBO documentary, “Leaving Neverland”, which addresses and investigates the child sexual assault allegations against Michael Jackson, reporter Heidi Stevens poses the claim that it was Michael Jackson’s art that brought him fame, which inherently brought him access to young fans and starstruck parents. In addition, Stevens also references how R. Kelly’s fame and art acted was a conduit that channeled and baited young people to him (Stevens 2019).

      I don't understand this paragraph. You introduce new information but you're also concluding your essay. Your work is good and the stuff you introduce is relevant.. it just needs to be reworked

    2. According to the National Sexual Violence Research Center, rape is the most underreported crime. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s collected data shows that sex crimes are among the least likely to result in a prison sentence. (Milligan 2018). Furthermore, they state that many victims are afraid to go to the police or share their story because they are afraid the police cannot or will not do not anything about it. Plus, many experts note that a fear of retribution coupled with a sense of shame makes it hard for people to come forward. Therefore, it is clear that survivors and victims are already challenged with coming forward to speak out against their abuser, assaulter, etc.

      This is misplaced. You need to add this to the quote from Terry Crews since the analysis is misplaced

    3. One of the biggest arguments against separating art from artist is grounded on how survivors or victims of artists are impeded from coming forward.

      I don't think you elaborate on this enough, add to it

    4. these artists. Those who have spoken up against these artists have had to endure many struggles from being believed and their claims being legitimized to years of their

      combine these two paragraphs. The idea is the same for both and it continues on

    5. In fact, it was not until the full force of the #MeTooMovement, which showed the drastic scope of men’s abuse of power in Hollywood, that institutions like the Academy, began to make systematic changes. It is noteworthy to emphasize the fact that it was Bill Cosby’s conviction and the widespread coverage of his trial that was the catalyst for the Academy to act in addressing these allegations. In a sense, it was the bad publicity around these figures that incited the Academy to finally act.

      I think you could split this off and make it a paragraph by adding a little bit of information

    6. refused to confront these major injustices. In March, 1977, Roman Polanski was indicted by a jury on six felony counts including: rape, sodomy, and supplying a minor with a controlled substance.

      It think you need to make your three different stories more coherent in a way

    7. It is important to note that allegations against him and women speaking up against his abuses have been happening since the 1980s. (Mallenbaum, Ryan and Puente 2018). Yet it took until 2018 to obtain a true public hearing and justice for these women

      good analysis here

    8. Furthermore, the magazine stated that, “the objectionable conduct described in the public reports does not have the kind of severity that animated the #MeToo movement” (Spitz 2018).

      maybe elaborate on this?

    9. After the series of allegations emerged, MIT issued an independent investigation which cleared him and resulted in allowing him to keep his position at MIT (Romo 2018).

      I think this is a chance to allude to something more current like allegations against Joe Biden

    10. This section will lay out three cases against high-profile artists who have faced allegations and been embroiled within the controversy of art vs. artist debate. This will include timelines of the allegations, verdicts, etc in order to illuminate how the abuse of power has continued throughout the years. Thus, revealing that separating the art from the artist will only further allow for these abuses to continue.

      I think this is good to explain but it seems a little misplaced, I don't know if you need to lay it out before you actually write it out but I understand if you leave it

    11. Additionally, this inherently overlooks the victims who have suffered and validates immoral artists and furthermore the art can allow the artist to carry out these crimes.

      Your argument is really clear but this sentence reads a bit weirdly. I wouldn't say "Additionally," and "furthermore," in the same sentence.

    12. The stories delve into the experiences of poverty, immigration, hyper-masculine culture, etc.

      don't say etc. it's a little informal. Instead say "poverty, immigration, and hyper-masculine

    13. Junot Diaz’s novel, Drown, binds together a collection of stories giving deep insight into the life of Dominican immigrants.

      I think this should be placed later in the paragraph. Make a stronger hook, maybe something about the life experiences of the Dominican Immigrant population or something.

    1. “When people in America are forced to live in fear because of their immigration status, their health and the health of our nation suffers” (RWJF, 2017). The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation for Health has conclusively found that immigrants across America have poorer health outcomes than native-born Americans. This study found evidence that immigrants are often susceptible to poorer health outcomes because of their status of vulnerability. This means that immigrants are receiving both, poorer health treatment, and are faced with coping with chronic stress as a vulnerable population. The effects of coping with chronic stress mean that immigrants are forced into poor health behaviors like smoking and drinking, which put them at risk for long term health problems like cardiovascular disease  (LaVeist & Isaac, 2013). Sociologists and public health researchers have found that immigrant health declines as they spend more time in the United States. Moreover, the U.S is bad for an immigrant’s health (LaVeist & Isaac, 2013). This concept can be better understood by considering the process of

      This is the first and only instance of health in the entire essay. You would benefit substantially by revisiting this again.

    2. Gordon explains that the most intimate entry into the host society and the “end-point of the assimilation process” was intermarriage, “upon which the minority groups, separate identity, having lost all value, would cease to be even a memory”2. In this, Gordon refers to a model of acculturation referred to as ‘unidimensional acculturation’. The unidimensional model of acculturation assumes that assimilation happens in a linear manner, along with a line from being not accultured, to completely accultured, referencing the extent to which immigrants are immersed in the dominant culture of a host country. Often referred to as a ‘zero-sum game’, the unidimensional model of acculturation means that as the immigrant becomes more connected to the core culture, they abandon and lose elements of their original culture (Lara et al., 2005). In contrast, bidimensional acculturation posits that an immigrant’s exposure to and immersion in a core culture does not depend on the abandonment of their original culture. Rather immigrants can adhere to norms of the core culture while maintaining elements of their original culture. This model of acculturation considers integration in both original and core cultures a form of bidimensional acculturation (Lara et al., 2005). This could mean that a second generation immigrant from the Latinx community speaks English proficiently, and uses exclusively English in the workplace, but only speaks Spanish at home with family. Integration in both cultures could mean embracing and valuing both cultures. Integration means that the immigrant would be able to maintain a dual cultural identity. The bidimensional model means that aspects from both cultures are incorporated into the immigrant’s life and that they have the ability to alternate between dual identities of both the core and original culture (Lara et al., 2005). As a scale of bidimensional acculturation, it considers degrees of immersion in both cultures. In this model, assimilation – complete ‘acquisition of the new culture’ and lack of desire to maintain original culture – is a degree of biculturalism. This model considers things like cultural resistance on the scale of bidimensional acculturation. Cultural resistance occurs when the immigrant resists acquiring elements of the new culture, and fully maintains the old culture. In this way, the bidimensional acculturation model considers the many facets and degrees to which acculturation occurs for immigrants. Unidimensional and bidimensional models are fundamentally distinct, in that one (unidimensional) assumes that acculturation occurs exclusively on a line (from no immersion in the core culture, to complete immersion in the core culture and surrender of the original culture), whereas the bidimensional model acknowledges the immigrants ability to alternate between and feel more comfortable in either or both cultures. Both bidimensional and unidimensional models of acculturation provide context for understanding the multiple processes of the health effects of assimilating into the ‘core culture’ in America.

      You could condense your argument about the two types of acculturation into one paragraph and focus the end of your essay to focus on health impacts, it would be helpful.

    3. The bidimensional model means that aspects from both cultures are incorporated into the immigrant’s life and that they have the ability to alternate between dual identities of both the core and original culture (Lara et al., 2005).

      delete this, it's repetitive of what you already said

    4. In contrast, bidimensional acculturation posits that an immigrant’s exposure to and immersion in a core culture does not depend on the abandonment of their original culture. Rather immigrants can adhere to norms of the core culture while maintaining elements of their original culture. This model of acculturation considers integration in both original and core cultures a form of bidimensional acculturation (Lara et al., 2005).

      again condense this. you really only need one or two sentences to say anything

    5. The unidimensional model of acculturation assumes that assimilation happens in a linear manner, along with a line from being not accultured, to completely accultured, referencing the extent to which immigrants are immersed in the dominant culture of a host country. Often referred to as a ‘zero-sum game’, the unidimensional model of acculturation means that as the immigrant becomes more connected to the core culture, they abandon and lose elements of their original culture (Lara et al., 2005).

      Okay this reads confusingly but also... you could condense this into one sentence about Unidimensional acculturation and simply cite Gordon's book. That would really help your argument

    6. Gordon

      you devote two paragraphs to Gordon and his writing. If you're choosing to do this you need to mention him and his work sooner and possibly in your introduction so you tell the reader what you're writing about

    7. Studies have shown that second-generation immigrants are much less likely to speak the language of their parents because of stigma and discrimination that forces them to speak exclusively English outside the home, and at home, whenever they can (Cobas, Balcazar, Benin, Keith, & Chong, 1996). Children are forced to learn English as soon as they enter schooling in the U.S.

      I think discussing the outcomes (both failure/benefit) of the ESL programs in schools would also elevate your essay

    8. In sociologist Milton Gordon’s Assimilation in American Life, he writes about the major adjustments and accommodations immigrants have to make to become assimilated into the country. He explains that once “immigrants had expunged their own ethnicity, the host society then would allow the ‘cleansed’ ethnic group” entry into ‘inner-circle institutions’ of the host society2. In this, he is referring to the way that immigrants are forced to make major concessions on critical elements of their original culture in order to be better received in the host country.

      you're essay isn't about milton Gordon and his writing change the pronouns to "the work argues". Pronouns are not welcome in scholarly writing

    9. “immigrants had expunged their own ethnicity, the host society then would allow the ‘cleansed’ ethnic group” entry into ‘inner-circle institutions’ of the host society2.

      I would stick to one style of citations. It's awkward to combine both

    10. Both bidimensional and unidimensional models of acculturation provide context for understanding the multiple processes of the health effects of assimilating into the ‘core culture’ in America.

      You need to either discuss health facts or remove this aspect from your initial paragraph and title. It's not discussed in your essay and proves to be irrelevant if not further discussed. I also think your paper would benefit from it's inclusion as the effects of immigrants are repetitive and as a result, not engaging. If you added something about the effects of stress you could really elevate the quality of your essay

    11. These scales of integration include time spent in the U.S. as well as integration into core institutions like schools. These measures include generational status, age at immigration, place of birth, and place of education. These can be said to approximate the degree of exposure ‘individuals have to the dominant culture’(Lara et al., 2005).

      this is wordy and I think you could just say it more concisely. I don't understand what the purpose of this paragraph is

    12. Measuring exposure of immigrants to a core culture is important to understanding how immigrants are forced to interact with a culture distinct from their own.

      you don't need to say this, it's implied in your past argument

    13. Acculturation – the process of assimilating – is dependent on immigrants being exposed to a distinct ‘core culture’.

      I feel like I read this earlier, this is too repetitive and even if you're advancing your argument its structurally wrong

    14. These health behaviors include substance abuse, poor diet, and adverse birth outcomes, specifically amongst Latinos in the United States.

      See I just don't know what you're writing about here (Without looking at your title of course). Are you focusing on the effects of assimilation or the issues of health which immigrants face? put your thesis here and make it stronger

    15. This concept can be better understood by considering the process of assimilation to American ‘core culture’. In order to integrate into the host country, immigrants are forced to assimilate to the dominant culture (Lalami, 2018). The dominant culture means broadly, the language of the core culture, diet, fashion, music preferences, education curriculum, etc. The process of assimilating to a country’s core culture is referred to as ‘acculturation’ (Lara, Gamboa, Kahramanian, Morales, & Hayes Bautista, 2005). Acculturation refers to ‘the acquisition of the cultural elements of the dominant society’(Lara et al., 2005). Exposure to a countries ‘core culture’ confronts the ‘immigrant’ with challenges of conforming to the dominant culture, and/or maintaining their ‘original’ culture. Acceptance of the immigrant into the host country’s society and institutions is contingent on the immigrant’s ability to assimilate to the dominant culture. The process of assimilating and the effects of acculturation on immigrant’s health have been measured and evidence points to assimilation having a negative effect on health behaviors overall (Lara et al., 2005). These health behaviors include substance abuse, poor diet, and adverse birth outcomes, specifically amongst Latinos in the United States.

      Alright this writing is strong overall but your paragraph structure reads confusingly. You need a more defined intro since its so long. Don't argue anything specific in your introduction, make it a separate paragraph even if it's short

    16. Moreover, the U.S is bad for an immigrant’s health (LaVeist & Isaac, 2013).

      Get rid of "Moreover" as you don't add anymore information to the reader but rather restate your findings from the previous sentence

  2. Mar 2019
    1. H

      Your essay doesn't follow a formal structure. There is no outside research and no references from within the book either. It reads confusingly due to the lack of a thesis and corresponding topic sentences. See below comments for more information but this is what you should add/do to make your essay stronger. shorten your introduction: too many ideas presented and make it relevant to your thesis (which is not present currently), add a thesis, make topic sentences correspond to your thesis, and add outside sources to back up your claims. Your paragraphs also lack continuity and flow between each other.

      Your arguments are somewhat convincing and certainly have potential but not in the format the second draft is in.

    2. For the days of just being able to do as you want with who you want all because of your fame are over. We are now entering the time period where in order to have that wonderful life, if you misbehave you will pay a hell of a price.

      It seems as though you're addressing the reader as someone who is doing these practices. You need a stronger concluding paragraph that reiterates ALL that your wrote about. Yours is missing the information about childhood and development, actions, and doesn't mention Junot Diaz.

    3. The wait may be due to our lack of leadership in the judicial realm, or just the inability to put it to the front of the agenda. Change will come though, trust and believe it will. 

      you include no argument to support this except for "change will come through"

    4. When the lawmakers and people we elect to be in charge can address these issues with reforms and laws then the gap for the influential is reduced

      This point isn't supported by any evidence but also is confusing in it's own right. What can lawmakers do to change the influence of famous people? That's never explained and remains deeply unclear to the reader.

    5. Yes, creating dialogue about how the rich and talented gain advantages when it comes to their crimes is a major factor in rectifying the issue.

      your dialogue with the reader should be in your argument rather than speaking in your writing. reword this

    6.  Can we get to the point where status and power are no longer factors in the way people are viewed and treated? Where can we find institutions that don’t advocate for exclusivity and show more privilege for the privileged?

      I think one question in the beginning is acceptable but two in a row makes your writing much less confident. This is supposed to be a formal essay with strong, researched claims and your essay is missing this.

    7. Imagine your childhood hero that idolized, came up to you and slapped you in the face. It would mostly shock you that your idol just slapped you, but you may also feel let down that the person that you wanted to be just disrespected you.

      You need to get rid of these "Picture your..." scenarios to your reader. It's inconclusive and adds nothing to your argument. I'm not even sure what your topic of injustice from "Drown" is

    8. Treating the actions of an influential person just like they are the average everyday person levels the playing field a little more, and it begins the pedestal that these people think they stand on.

      If this is your main argument it needs to be more prevalent in your writing from the beginning, not just this paragraph

    9. ortunately, there are many ways in which we can eradicate this problem. The first step genuinely identifying that the bad actions of people can’t be rationalized and supported regardless of who they are or how much money they have.  When we begin to create different moral and ethical codes for people of privilege and influence is when we begin to delegitimize the very moral fabric that every person should abide by. Accountability is a fundamental trait that is deeply intertwined in the very fabric of being a productive member of society. By holding people of influence accountable for their actions, the false image of them being perfect and able to do no wrong.

      you don't discuss any issues/injustices found in the book and instead spend your essay writing to the reader on solutions but the problem is never presented. Your argument is vague and inconclusive. Incorporate topic sentences and start with a strong thesis

    10. his point sounds like something that has been emphasized to death at this moment, but this is where a shift comes.

      Delete this, you don't need to give your reader directions about your essay and where its going. You don't do that in formal writing.

    11. These people often never face any real trouble from the judicial system and leave with a mild slap on the wrist.

      Get some outside research and cite this. It needs to be backed up with evidence

    12. Junot Diaz had no regard for the communities that praised him and his works, he was only concerned with his own personal gain.  Junot Diaz is not the first person to have influence and abuse this power.

      I don't understand your argument against Junot Diaz and how it relates to either of your subsequent paragraphs

    13. When people do something bad regardless of what it is, the childhood upbringing and the community in which they come from receives the credit of producing the person

      confusingly written

    14. This support is often pure and appreciated, but what happens when this support becomes toxic not only to the person but to the community. It may become toxic to the person because it paints the picture that despite what wrong they may commit, there will always be the support of the community to lean on.

      This seems contradictory to your main point

    15. Say you have a young person from this community that attains a high level of success in his/her field. Naturally the community of which they come from will support them fully, and regardless of their actions the support will not waver.

      You keep making claims but there is no evidence of any citations and thus outside resources used to either source/support these claims

    16. When people come from a disenfranchised, and marginalized community they are born with expectations to rise from these adverse circumstances.

      again, this is really passive. Make it more of an argument: "People in marginalized communities are born with the expectation to improve themselves from their own adverse circumstances" sounds much stronger

    17. He uses his influence and fame to lure in women and force himself upon them and subject them to misogynistic verbal abuse. Junot Diaz would tell young writers seeking help that he would indeed help them, just so he could force himself upon them. He proceeded to deny these accusations saying that it didn’t sound like anything that he would do.  What is wildly apparent is that Junot Diaz is a horrible person. Regardless of the talent that he has and his abilities that he possesses as a writer, he is a horrible person. He may be an advocate for his people and may have be an influential person in his culture, but all this comes with an asterisk because he is a horrible person.  The ability to decipher a person’s work from their actions is something that tests the moral compass of each person differently. Some people are able to recognize someone did something horrible, and still be able to support the work of their hands like nothing ever happened. Sadly, this isn’t a new phenomenon, but it is about time it ends.

      This all seems like an unnecessary argument. Where is your points on injustice within the book? This is too much on Junot Diaz as you're not writing an essay on him but rather an injustice from within his book.

    18. Junot Diaz is that he is a sexual assaulting, misogynistic creep who should be behind bars. 

      You need to phrase this more eloquently in the form of an argument rather than a subjective statement. Avoid words like "creep"

    19. Junot Diaz is a Dominican-American writer who has written several award-winning books, editor for the Boston Review, and is also a creative writing teacher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Junot’s most famous work, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao received numerous awards as well as the 2008 Pulitzer Prize award. 

      This isn't bad but you cover Junot Diaz so late in the essay that it comes across as an afterthought. Move this entire paragraph to the beginning before you begin your argument.

    20. Whether you’re a pro athlete, or a famous musician, talent gives you extra privilege that others in society don’t have the luxury to receive

      Too informal! don't address the reader

    21. some people

      Get rid of this phrase throughout your writing. "Some people" lacks confidence and argument. You need to be stronger in your main argument, which is still unclear to the reader

    22. Whoever started that ideology may want to reconsider their stance and watch a talent show.

      You should change this to "Talent shows are a perfect example of the varying degrees and nature of talent within individuals" or something

    23. People will often say that everyone is talented in their own special way and that no one person’s talent is better than the other. 

      This is way to vague and passive. Get rid of the word "often" as it suggests my above point.

    24. The fact that people will support the actions of a known criminal just because they have talent is very noteworthy and questionable. Is talent that much of a deterrent when it comes crime, if so what is talent? These are questions that surround author Junot Diaz.

      I think this intro as a whole could be simplified to just a few sentences, you include a lot of info and points which are individually strong but otherwise confusing together. It takes a while for you to get to your point in referencing Drown.

    25. Why do people continue to give voice to those who don’t deserve it?

      This makes your writing seem much more informal. If you feel strongly about it then leave it in but otherwise I think you should remove it, as our writing already implies the question

    26. Some people who do these bad things are often considered to be normal people prior to them doing anything bad.

      This is really passive writing rather than being active in your voice. Potentially change this to something like "previously normal people commit bad acts..."

    1. offers a glimpse into the often overlooked repercussions of

      This essay needs revisions stemming from the inclusion of outside research. I think the objective was more to discuss an issue found within Drown rather than an essay where you discuss issues IN Drown.

    2. Although hyper-masculinity does not appear to be the healthiest defense mechanism to be employed by the boys, it is favorable under the circumstances they are under.

      This goes against your entire argument; instead of saying "It is favorable" say it is a necessary coping mechanism.

    3. both boys engage in the above behaviors in attempts to build themselves into the strong, capable men they wish to be as well as to make themselves feel whole again, so that they do not feel weak for extended periods of time. As such, the boy’s use of hyper-masculinity works as an effective, although unhealthy, defense mechanism.

      again this would be good analysis alongside some sexual assault research

    4. Additionally, the adolescent enganges in other hyper-masculine practices. The boy and his friend’s take great pride in women as “a glance or a touch can keep [them] talking shit for hours” as it plays into their ego and perceptions as strong, able men.

      they're not taking pride in women but more taking pride in their advances toward women

    5. Furthermore, Rafa reminds Yunior of this fact by asking if their father has ever cried, to which the implied answer is no, standing as another reminder of what men should do (14).

      good

    6. Assaulted by a man with “arms ropy with muscles,” Yunior was helpless in the situation and had no defense against the much larger man (12). Being sexually assaulted also puts the main character in “Drown” in a state of weakness and fear. This time being assaulted by his friend, Beto. During the assault, the main character was “too scared to watch… [and] wanted out” making him scared and uncomfortable, as he was not in control of the situation and as such weak (104).

      your essay can really be improved by taking out the analysis of the book and adding outside research. You can easily replace the # of lost words with some brief research into the effects of sexual assault on minors here.

    7. In the absence of an overbearing father, Yunior relies on idealized, hyper-masculine male figures to serve as protectors and role models in order to achieve success in the rough and impoverished neighborhoods.

      good analysis here

    8. In observing their fatherly figures behavior, the boys recognize that by adopting their hyper-masculine behavior it can be modeled as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from stress.

      This is really strong

    9. Despite this, Yunior “still wanted [his father] to love [him]” as he desires a father figure (27). Yunior’s father projects himself as an intimidator through and through, “his voice—louder than most adults— didn’t bother [Yunior] none, though” [it made the other children shift] uneasily in their seats” (35).

      This quote seems largely unconnected to your analysis.

    10. In each Dominican home, the father stands at the head of the family as the judge, jury, and executioner, rendering his sons as the lowest man on the hierarchy, leaving them powerless and vulnerable.

      run on sentence

    11. The boy would “listen to them going at it [wistfully] and would be like Damn ain’t nothing more shabby than those farewell fucks” (113). In each case, both boys use hyper-sexual perceptions to help deal with their loss and as such they feel better about themselves as they both“[do] shit like this, stuff that’s no good for you. You do it and there’s no positive feelings about it afterwards” but at least it makes him feel whole again, something they both thristly rush towards in order to continue surviving in situations that offer very little love and comfort (50).

      I think your analysis is strong but you need some outside research since the book doesn't provide any "meat" to your analysis.

    12. Similarly, “Boyfriend” explores the same theme of loneliness as the main character scrambles to hang onto himself in the aftermath of a break-up while also following the breakup of his neighbors.

      Rework this because it's confusing when you just say "boyfriend" with no introduction. also give an intro statement to what the chapter is about

    13. The main character does attempt to fill his heart in other ways, but ultimately fails, realizing that “it felt better than it ever was when you get back with someone you’ve loved” someone w

      This is okay analysis but it would help the reader if you introduced the main character

    14. Using “Aurora” as an example, loneliness eats away at the main character. The main character relies on Aurora to fill his lonely heart,

      I know you use a quote later in the writing but you should really add a quote here.

    15. Upon

      I would clean up what you're trying to say, this sentence structure is really confusing. Specifically "Upon encountering stressors, defense mechanisms..." It's also run on and not a good intro. Divide it up and you'll be fine

  3. Feb 2019
    1. [1] Children’s Defense Fund. (2011) Portrait of Inequality: Black Children in America. Washington, DC. Available: http://www.childrensdefense.org/programs-campaigns/Black-community-crusade-for- children-II/bccc-assets/portrait-of-inequality.pdf [2] Monique W. Morris. “Race, Gender, and the “School to Prison Pipeline”: Expanding Our Discussion to Include Black Girls” (2012)  http://works.bepress.com/monique_morris/2/ [3] Wallace, J., Goodkind, S., Wallace, C., & Bachman, J. (2008) Racial, ethnic, and gender differences in school discipline among U.S. high school students: 1991-2005. Negro Educational Review. Volume 59, Issue 1-2, p. 47-62. [4] Monique W. Morris. “Race, Gender, and the “School to Prison Pipeline”: Expanding Our Discussion to Include Black Girls” (2012)  http://works.bepress.com/monique_morris/2/ [5] (Edelman, 2007; Advancement Project, Padres and Jovenes Unidos, the Southwest Youth Collaborative, and Children & Family Justice Center of Northwestern UniversitySchool of Law, 2005). [6] Heitzeg, Nancy A. “Education or Incarceration: Zero Tolerance Policies and the School to Prison Pipeline.” In Forum on public policy online, vol. 2009, no. 2. Oxford Round Table. 406 West Florida Avenue, Urbana, IL 61801, 2009. [7] Wallace, J., Goodkind, S., Wallace, C., & Bachman, J. (2008) Racial, ethnic, and gender differences in school discipline among U.S. high school students: 1991-2005. Negro Educational Review. Volume 59, Issue 1-2, p. 47-62. [8] Monique W. Morris. “Race, Gender, and the “School to Prison Pipeline”: Expanding Our Discussion to Include Black Girls” (2012)  http://works.bepress.com/monique_morris/2/ [9] Morris, Monique W. Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools. New York: New Press, 2016, 8 [10] Hill Collins, Patricia. Black Sexual Politics : African Americans, Gender, and the New Racism. Routledge, 2004. [11]  West, Carolyn. “Mammy, Sapphire, and Jezebel: Historical Images of Black Women and Their Implications for Psychotherapy.” Psychotherapy 32 (1995): 458–66. [12] Morris, Monique W. Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools. New York: New Press, 2016, 68     [13] Monique W. Morris. “Race, Gender, and the “School to Prison Pipeline”: Expanding Our Discussion to Include Black Girls” (2012)  http://works.bepress.com/monique_morris/2/

      I'm impressed with the amount of research here. Definitely a strong point of your essay

    2. Students who misbehave are not to be treated as criminals but rather as students who need to be shown right from wrong. In order to improve disciplinary practices in schools that lack staff, officers placed there should be trained accordingly.

      I would switch the order of these two sentences for more effect.

    3. we must dismantle the zero-tolerance policies. We must be more particular about who is admitted to jail.  Money spent

      Using the word "we" makes your writing come across as much more informal, try to avoid pronouns

    4. it is about every girl who feels unsafe in an environment where she is meant to learn and thrive.

      I think you could really strengthen this by mentioning something along the lines of "... an environment where learning is crucial for success"

    5. Although Black girls are 16 percent of girls in school, they are 42 percent of girls receiving corporal punishment, 45 percent of girls with at least one out-of-school suspension, 31 percent of girls referred to law enforcement and 34 percent of girls arrested on campus.[12]

      Very convincing evidence right here, well done

    6. She will refrain from raising her hand now – for fear of being too opinionated- leading to lack of understanding in the classroom, second guess every teacher that looks out for her, which results in her behavior changing  in the classroom.

      This is a good point that wraps up your argument but it runs on, split this into two sentences

    7. Being removed from the classroom is a humiliating experience and creates a lasting impact on how the student will now view school.

      I think you need to use the active voice here more. something like "Classroom removal actively humiliates..."

    8. Black females and males represent 17 percent of the youth population ranging in ages of

      This is REALLY minor but you don't really bring up Black males later on in your essay so maybe introduce solely Black females?

    9. When teachers are “threatened” by Black girls, they feel to need to make a negative comment to gain some sort of authority over the girl.

      This feels like a blanket statement, I'm unsure of what kind of teachers you're referring to, did you mean White teachers? Also you mention Black and Brown girls previously so maybe change this to Students of color or edit the previous statement so that you solely focus on Black girls? It's up to you but I think this would clear up your argument.

    10. Sociologist Patricia Hill Collins eloquently describes controlling images as “images [that] are designed to make racism, sexism, poverty and other forms of social injustice appear to be natural, normal and inevitable parts of everyday life.

      Fantastic evidence here.

    11. “being criminalized (and physically and mentally harmed) by beliefs, harms and actions that degrade and marginalize both their learning and humanity, leading to conditions that push them out of schools and then render them vulnerable to even more harm.”[9]

      This evidence is fine but I think you can argue more and try to paraphrase it rather than quote it directly, it will incorporate it into your argument more.

    12. In classrooms, when Black girls deviate from the social norms by speaking too loudly above the societal standard which is viewed as them being “ghetto”, they are subjected to criminalizing responses from their teachers and at times, security and police officers.

      Yeah I would brake up this sentence to read "When Black girls deviate from the social norms... they are subjected to...." and add the note about speaking loudly in a separate sentence.

    13. In classrooms, when Black girls deviate from the social norms by speaking too loudly above the societal standard which is viewed as them being “ghetto”

      1) I would reword this to say something like "One example of Black girls being seen as "ghetto" is..." I also think you may want to add a section addressing the problems with the connotation used regarding ghetto and it's origins. but that's just a thought. It may strengthen your argument.

    14. Research regarding the increase in disengagement from school with Black females found that females, often, felt outcasted in their respective learning environment due to the biased punishments they would receive for minor infractions

      I think for a topic sentence you need to make this more argumentative. It feels like you're making this more of a piece of supporting evidence.

    15. This pipeline analogy refers to the collection of policies, practices, conditions, and prevailing consciousness that facilitate both the criminalization within educational environments and the processes by which the criminalization results in the incarceration of youths and young adults.[4] Essentially, the school-to-prison pipeline is a systematic approach drawn up by the criminal system in which children are placed under unfair standards, scrutinized, and then forcibly removed from school. In addition, this pipeline analogy has been vital in discussing the experiences in which Black students are criminalized in schools which leads them to be in contact with the juvenile and criminal justice system.[5] Discussion regarding the school-to-prison pipeline often centers around Black boys, ignoring the experiences of Black girls. It’s important to note that, just like their fellow Black male classmates, Black girls are subjected to the same, if not more discipline during their learning experience.

      This is a really strong, well written paragraph that clearly lays out your argument. Well done

    16. f 10-17 but are 58 percent of all juveniles sent to adult prison

      This is really minor but instead or saying "But are 58% percent..." maybe you could say something along the lines of "comprise or constitute". It's up to you though I just think it reads weird.

  4. Jan 2019
    1. “not just those who go to prison and jail but their families and children, too

      You really can't open a paragraph with a quote. Give some more background or reference or just combine this paragraph with another one.

    2. In assessing the phenomenon, mass incarceration drastically disadvantages individuals for life while unequally victimizing members of the public.

      I'm not sure if this is your thesis statement or not... if it is... it's pretty weak

    3.  “the conventional assumption that women can’t hack it in prison, whether because they need to raise families, or are too emotionally frail,

      You definitely should paraphrase this

    4. Furthermore, understanding such struggle opens the door for those informed individuals to approach injustice with a forceful vengeance in order to improve society past the status quo.

      You really need to focus more on retelling what you introduced in the body of the paragraphs rather than continuing your argument.

    5. accept them (13). Unfortunately, it is not just those incarcerated who are effected. Intergenerational Inequality refers to the effects on “not just those wh

      Your ideas need to be more coherent here, they don't connect well and the evidence is fine but you need more explanation in your current ideas before you introduce more

    6. As a consequence, “children [especially those who are poor] regularly grow up, at least for a time, with a single mother and, at different times, with a variety of adult males in their households”, places a great strain and level of complexity in family live of those disadvantaged by mass incarceration (14). Left to fend for themselves, the economic and social immobility experienced by prisoners is extended to their families as they are “less equipped to provide financially for their children” (15).

      You really need to explain this more rather than just giving quotes, go into more detail as well. It gets really repetitive

    7. Furthermore, imprisonment is segregative, separating vast numbers of individuals away from the view of society for years on end, leaving the mainstream plenty of time to forget about those imprisoned.

      This isn't really relevant to your argument

    8. As discussed by Harvard sociologist Bruce Western the inequality resulting from mass incarceration is three-fold, comprising of Invisible Inequality, and Cumulative Inequality, and  Intergenerational Inequality, which in collectively produce a new social class of social outcasts.

      This is a really good argument, I think it's misplaced being here.

    9. “men on average receive 63 percent longer prison sentences than women who commit comparable crimes” and furthermore, “women are twice as likely to avoid incarceration if convicted of a crime – which may explain why 90 percent of the prison population is male” (Cohen 1). As mentioned above, the current day legal system is responsible for this disparity based upon stigma and prejudice. Individuals often have the conception that women found guilty of crimes “often have poor mental health or are poorly educated […]. However, because these same traits frequently apply to men who are convicted of crimes”

      Try to paraphrase this a little more rather than have run on quotes

    10. In understanding those who are affected by mass incarceration, one can better understand who and why which individuals are disadvantaged by today’s issue of systematic incarceration. With a better understanding, attention can be shifted to the deeper concern of the effects of the disadvantage created by mass incarceration.

      This seems more like a conclusion rather than something that belongs in the middle of your essay.

    11. As such, men as a whole gender fall victim to an increased chance of being imprisoned, contributing to their stance as victims of mass incarceration today.

      I would specify this more to the American Mass incarceration problem. It seems as if your argument keeps focusing in and out.

    12. Yet, the prejudice still exists today contributing to males contributing to 90 percent of prison populations across the nation.

      I think there is validity to your argument but you need to mention it more in your introduction

    13. have accepted the flimsiest excuses for striking black jurors and that prosecutors have in turned trained subordinates how to strike black jurors without judicial rebuke”

      Continued here, They are sound claims but it's just a bit long and close to the other evidence so it loses its effect.

    14. “between 2012 and 2014, black people in Ferguson, Missouri, accounted for 85 percent of vehicle stops, 90 percent of citations and 93 percent of arrests, despite comprising of 67 percent of the population” (Balko 4). Furthermore, a Boston University Law Review found that the “black arrest rate is at least twice as high as the white arrest rate for disorderly conduct, drug possession, simple assault, etc” again pointing towards a system that racially profiles black individuals (6). Further along in the legal proceedings, “black and latino defendants are more likely to be detained before trial”

      This is a lot of evidence to throw right at the reader at once, maybe try using less for more effect or spacing it out in your paragraphs more

    15. as the majority of those who stand at the head of the United States Department of Corrections are not racist

      You can't make a claim like this and not cite it. It's purely based on opinion. It also goes against your argument.

    16. One demographic which is unfairly impacted by mass incarceration are black males

      I think your argument would be more convincing if you changed your sentence structure around so that you initially start with something like "Black males are unfairly impacted...". This is a recurring theme throughout your writing already

    17. One such society, the United States of America, is just as much of a victim to inequality than any other nation with a plethora of inequality issues despite the nation’s prestige as a world leader

      Start with leading: "The United States of America..." and don't note the USA as a victim since you note above about how society stands to a true hold on individuals

    18. and how humans conduct their societies over time

      Again the wording is a little strange here maybe instead say something along the lines of "society changes over time" as the human impact is implied.