442 Matching Annotations
  1. May 2016
    1. They were recognized simply as “The Boston’s” or “The Boston Baseball club”.

      Please cite research at the end of each sentence, or, if a whole paragraph's worth of research comes from the same source, cite at the end of the paragraph.

    2. Ted Williams writes, “Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer” (Baseball Almanac).

      This quote feels a little unrelated to the main tone and message of this paragraph...

  2. thisisformyenglishclasssite.wordpress.com thisisformyenglishclasssite.wordpress.com
    1. The bias placed on these people puts them into a catch-22 situation that is nearly impossible for them to get out of.

      Feels like we have lost the child thread. Homelessness affects kids in particular ways, no? Schooling, etc? And programs that give meals in schools might help? Would like to hear about particular challenges for kids who are homeless...

    2. Lacking nutrients in the diet overall weakens the immune system opening children up to thing such as weight loss, gastrointestinal infections, poor brain development memory deficiency and reduced problem solving skills.

      Citation?

    1. This belief is something I have always held close, and it is a goal of mine to apply to my future career.

      Weaving the research in with your personal passion and with these beautiful images really pulls me into the piece.

    1. Jules decided to take the gap year for their own benefits.

      I always thought of a gap year as being about the privileged people spending money, but I see a new side now-- that for folks who struggle with the cost of college, the gap year can be a wise investment!

    2. The year off was meant to help students travel before they went to college and by the time they graduate it will be difficult for them to travel because they will need to find a job. Most students do not have time to go and travel after college.

      This paragraph seems to have started with one idea and moved quickly to a different idea...

    1. Places like the Southie Projects in southern Boston make for the perfect storm. Many of the residents in the 1970’s were impoverished and uneducated European, African, or Asian immigrants. There was never much of a turf war in the Southe Projects. It was always predominantly Irish immigrants and decendants.

      This seems a little confusing/contradictory.

    2. Starting in the 1940’s and ending recently, Boston has been the hub for Irish organized Crime. One man took his small Southie based gang to complete control. James “Whitey” Bulger was born September 3, 1929. Little did anyone know this man would change Boston

      I am wishing this was a bit more robust as an introduction...

    1. The same way peers influence adolescents to make bad decisions, they can influence them to make good ones too

      The way you weave the science in with your personal story is terrific, and makes for a very engaging essay!

    1. Here in the United States, we are competitive. No offense to any other country, but the United States has always been a hands on, get it done country.

      This seems to suggest there is a homogenous United States, where we are all mostly one way or another. But I am not sure that seems accurate, given the vast differences in how we live from one to the other...

    2. Now, if you haven’t picked up a history textbook recently, I will be more than happy to summarize how Stalin’s USSR turned out.

      Your tone is amusing and makes me want to read on. I like that you are serious but also a little irreverent.

    3. Do what you do best, and if you give nothing less than one hundred percent, you will succeed.

      Are there instances where people try their best and work their hardest and truly contribute but still can't make ends meet?

    4. First, under socialism, taxes are increased significantly. Now don’t get me wrong, we need taxes to be a country, but when they increase too high it leads to disaster. Bernie’s proposal, is that the rich in America, pay anywhere from thirty-seven to fifty percent of their income.

      When you cite specific stuff that is not common knowledge, you need to hyperlink to or cite your sources.

    5. However, you might notice a significant cut in your paycheck, which might influence you to read this article and see for yourself why electing a capitalist president is best.

      You know I disagree, but I love this sentence-- provocative and a perfect way to engage your reader!

    1. The first video game was invented in 1958 at the Brookhaven National Laboratory located in Upton, New York (Kudler, 2000-2016). This video game was invented by physicist Willy Higinbotham (Kudler, 2000-2016). He created a table tennis game which involved two players who would turn a knob to adjust the ball’s angle and push a button to hit the ball towards the other player

      So interesting!

    1. It was the first time in my life I felt what it felt like to be in love with someone, and how strong and nice that feeling is. It took me forever to be able to openly talk about my sexuality without getting embarrassed.

      This is beautiful!

    2. It was very hard for me that someone so important to me in my life couldn’t accept me for who I was.

      A heartbreaking story, and sharing this really pulls me into the essay, and makes me want to understand the topic as much as possible.

    3. I plan to explore both of these theories as well as incorporating my own experiences on homosexuality that way I can offer insight to people.

      Blending the personal story with the research is a great way to engage your readers.

    1. They many times overpower women and put them down because they believe that is how the roles are suppose to be. Many women are looking for a way out of this sort of abuse, but many can’t escape because they don’t have the resources to do so.

      Again, a complex issue that you explain sensitively and carefully.

    2. Constant exposure to domestic violence may lead child to believe that any sort of affection or intimacy should be linked to violence. When put into these environments at such young ages children grow up knowing the opposite of right and wrong.

      This is really well explained, and also so tough to think about.

    3. Another type of domestic violence that tends to occur a lot is economic. This involves making or attempting to make the victim financially dependent on them.

      Interesting, and not something everyone is familiar with.

    1. Not only do people go to college to learn, but they are also given access to materials and professors who have lived through the career and know the experience and tactics it takes to make it a living. This is needed for a lot of careers.

      Good, but can you link this to the art issue here in this paragraph? How is this teaching convo related to the idea of getting a degree in art?

    2. College is also a place to find yourself, find what you want to be, and to make a plan for the future. If only making a plan for a future didn’t cost more than buying a house.

      Seems like it drafts to a new point here?

  3. zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com
    1. This article is on CTE. CTE is a new found disease found in the brain of one that has had a traumatic brain injury, or repetitive contact over the course of years. The study in the article was ran by members of the Department of Veterans Affairs and Boston University. The test was on NFL players after they have died and even studies on the brain of all the current NFL players. Also they say 79% of all players have this disease.

      Not sure why this is in your Works Cited. Seems more like notes?

    2. I know this because it happened to me.

      This topic sentence really made me interested! Not sure why you don't share your story here, but I think it would add credibility and interest to the piece.

    3. Research indicates that there are 4 stages of the illness.  In Stage 1, isolated spots of tau build up mostly around the frontal lobe of the brain.  An individual would normally notice no symptoms at this stage.  In Stage 2, symptoms such as rage, impulsivity and depression begin to appear as defective tau protein affects more nerve cells in the brain’s frontal lobes. By Stage 3, an individual is experiencing confusion and memory loss as the tau deposits expand from the frontal lobe to the temporal lobe of the brain.  By the time an individual reaches Stage 4, they are suffering from advanced dementia.  It is at this stage that the brain becomes deformed and brittle, and cognitive function is severely limited. Once at the final stage of the CTE process, tau deposits have overwhelmed the individual’s brain, killing many nerve cells and shrinking the brain to half its normal size.  At this point, the victim no longer has any memory and will not remember even their closest family members.

      I found lots of this in direct quotes all over the internet. Not sure why you don't cite your sources, since most of this is not your own language.

    4. The NFL did not publicly acknowledge the link between concussions sustained in football and CTE until December 2009, seven years after Omalu’s discovery. Omalu has also discovered CTE in the brains of military veterans, publishing the first documented case in a November 2011 article.

      Most of this is lifted right out of Wikipedia, word for word, though you don't quote it. (See, for example, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bennet_Omalu.)

    1. When the tests came back it was shown that the group with multiple concussions indicated poorer performances compared with other groups.

      Does this paragraph drift a bit from the topic sentence?

    2. If it means taking a hit in football or diving for the ball in rugby just to win a game, we would do it and because of this,  “The management of mild traumatic brain injury in athletics is currently one of the most compelling challenges in sports medicine” (Relationship 1).

      Good point.

    1. but when should you draw the line from benefiting and harming?

      I am wondering if maybe this essay would work better as a whole bunch of benefits of technology and then a whole bunch of challenges or drawbacks? It's a little hard to follow the overall organization, though each section is organized within itself.

    2. When you really think about it that does not leave a lot of time for other activities such as family time, homework, and outside activities.

      Seems like we are drifting a bit away from the topic sentence?

  4. ecfontaine.wordpress.com ecfontaine.wordpress.com
    1. He states that people with ADHD have a higher rate of substance abuse due to the disorder, not the medications. He also says that Ritalin reduces this risk of substance abuse to the same risk as the normal population, which contradicts other sources.

      Very interesting.

    1. This is so hypocritical because McDonald’s does not care about the well being of children. All they care about is making money and growing as a business. They don’t care that they are constantly feeding children crap that makes them obese and ultimately sick. Yet they pretend that they care about other children that are sick to make America believe that McDonald’s has our best interest in mind.

      I don't disagree with you, but I am wondering if we need more evidence for this. Can we find a stronger way to demonstrate that the charity work is ultimately part of an industry that does more harm than good? Does the charity actually enable the harm?

    1. Together we can erase the negative stigmas that are attached to mental illness and be one step closer to accepting everyone for who they are.

      Your passion is truly inspiring. This is an incredibly moving paper.

    2. Specific phobias refers to many different phobias that can range from phobias of the outdoors to phobias of cars. Specific phobias can be of anything which makes it one of the highest anxieties affecting 19 million, or 8.7% (ADAA). The many variations of anxiety can make it hard to understand because no two people struggle in the exact same way or can be treated in the exact same ways.

      Again, all of this is very informative!

    3. physically

      Seems like this should go up top with symptoms? And then you would move into links with other illnesses like depression? All good info, but seems like it could be a bit more structured to be clearer...

    4. Have you ever looked around a room and noticed someone that wasn’t acting like themselves? Sometimes you will notice when someone doesn’t feel well; other times they are silently battling harder than you may know.

      I like this opener for this section. Really got my attention.

    1. Considering teachers were not guaranteed a job

      That seems like it could have pros and cons. Could also really stress teachers who are concerned about providing for their families, or cause them not to take risks with progressive pedagogy if they think they could lose their jobs easily (the academic freedom argument).

    2. Comparing Test Scores

      This is hard to follow. It sounds like you are saying charter schools don't improve test scores and then that they do? Is it just that there is conflicting evidence? Maybe a stronger topic sentence and conclusion to the paragraph would help clarify this a bit, since it is very interesting and I would love to undnerstand...

    3. A charter school is a school that receives government funding but operates independently from the public school system. A public school is one that receives government funding and is run by the state.

      Helpful and clear definition!

    1. Children often watch these things right before bed, decreasing the natural melatonin and not allowing for a rested brain. 

      Not sure if this is related to obesity? Not quite sure what the main takeaway of this paragraph is...

  5. Apr 2016
  6. Mar 2016
  7. livehappy113.wordpress.com livehappy113.wordpress.com
  8. Feb 2016
    1. due to the fact that a large amount of people go to college now

      This does not make sense to me. Do you mean that it will be too expensive? What does Sanders say about how he will pay, and what do you think of the plan?

    1. I was totally convinced that abortion can help the almost 400,000 children waiting to be adopted in our country alone.

      Ok, but be careful. If someone is adopted, how will they feel reading this. It is starting to sound like "We should have aborted any kid who end up being put up for adoption." That is maybe going a bit far? What do you think?

    1. This brought me to the final conclusion that voting is too much of an adult thing for any eighteen year old. 

      But Trump is winning amongst older Republicans, too. How does his status as frontrunner lead to you thinking that young people should not vote, when he is popular with older voters? Did you look up the numbers? Would that help maybe? And if you think he is unqualified and you are a little scared, why doesn't that lead you to want to vote?

  9. abigailpepin.wordpress.com abigailpepin.wordpress.com
    1. http://www.usnews.com/opinion/knowledge-bank/2015/05/27/why-bernie-sanders-free-public-college-plan-is-a-bad-idea http://time.com/4090871/free-college/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bernie-sanders-america-needs-free-college-now/2015/10/22/a3d05512-7685-11e5-bc80-9091021aeb69_story.html

      These links just hang here at the end. Instead of that, hyperlink to them throughout the piece. If you do that, you don't need them down at the end just hanging here without any context.

    1. When it comes to the rights of women, we cannot go backwards. We have got to go forward,” tweets elected presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.

      Embed the Tweet as a photo or at least link to it.

    2. “Not a single dollar of federal money pays for elective abortions at Planned Parenthood (or anywhere else).”

      Good! But you sort of already talked about this, so I would move this up... and another indication of how an outline will help you tighten things up so you don't go around in circles...