y. I am John Smith, the one who created this world. I was obsessed with computers from a young age and constantly fiddled with them. I had never truly fit in with the people around me, so I always wanted to find out a way to do so. As I grew older
this sentence feels a little too direct
tutorial bot, the dungeon master, and the sorting hat.
Capitalize the nouns
For a second, he thought he saw that her eyes might have been pixellated but as she opened them fully he saw that they looked normal.“Just a loading bug or something
Foreshadowing is great but I think this could benefit from being a bit more subtle
My skin is perfect though and I no longer have that strange bump from when I broke my wrist
this sentence feels a little weird
technology Eve created
I like the biblical names
Chapter 3
I don't think the chapters are long enough for this sort of structure to be necessary
it had a light scent of air freshener
I think more detail could be used here
The Man in Room 174
I think that not much needed to be changed and I think that all you changed was for the better and improved the overall atmosphere of the piece. However, I do feel like some of the dialogue is a little weird sometimes, so maybe consider re-reading it, maybe acting it out with someone else and getting down to why it feels a little weird because I cant really explain it, or it could just be me. However, all in all i think that the story is really well written and that regardless of the small issues in the dialogue the piece is beautiful and emotional
o, yes I understand. I understand now that she wasn’t simply complaining about the lack of ornaments on the wall, or the routine breakfasts of english muffins and black coffees, or our finite nights of sacredness where our heartbeats would become one and our breaths would become ragged. She was simply asking us to live, as humans do best. Live a life of ups and downs-- where we transverse forward through the road as it diverts between pulpy soil and pronged rock. Live a life of caving to our desires-- where our nostrils flare when we’re angry, or when our salivary glands emanate while we slumber, releasing frustrations to be frosted over on the edge of our chin, or even our knees as they collapse onto the bed where we sit and choke on our salty droplets until our posture caves in on itself. Our hands clutching onto our lover’s breast while we shatter onto them, knowing they will catch us. And, live a life of revolution, where we rebel against the divinity, looking them straight in the eye and slapping their sovereign rule from their grasp. Because what do the meager have besides themselves? A
I think expanding here worked very well and I really think it brings the ending to a whole other level i didn't think was possible
With Scarlet Pimpernels in hand, I make my way over to the hospital bakery on the first level for my daily dose of black coffee. As I make my way to the front of the line, I slowly nuzzle my nose deeper into the floral scent, closing my eyes. The fiery scent drifts upwards and I take it in, travelling further into the sunlit, cobblestone path. I pass through the trellises, brushing against the vines that snake through it’s latticework. I feel the radiance surround me and warm my skin, relieving my hairs of their chilling surface. And, above the blanket of heat, I feel her delicate touch. Her uncalloused hands
I really like the intensive imagery that is employed here, and i think it could be made even better by juxtaposing his return to the real world with short description of the bleak atmosphere of the hospital, but not too much detail.
he’s a busy man if the event isn’t scamming people out of their money. I can understand. I was once a busy man myself-- stressing over trivial due dates and sales. I was quite the businessman. Scams and cons,bluffs and fibs, filet mignon and caviar.
I like this change because it gives Jud more humanity and development
relaxed facial muscles scream insanity, yet the juxtaposition of her white-collared composure and tilted smile lure me in and caress my secured walls, sinking them deeper into the dirt and fertilizing the soil of the Institution.
I really like the change to more detail here, it think it sets the tone better than before
Disclaimer... there is probably a lot of
I did all my annotations a word doc I sent Jasmine