I like this ending and wonder if you could drag out the sequence of events that lead to Mav's death? For instance, does Mav spend days before seeing glimpses of Lin Atoms in his everyday actions, such as on the TV while at the bar? How could you add more of Mav's emotions into this moment, and make the reader feel the terrible tragedy that he is unable to make up for his friend's death. I like the implication Mav is at peace once he dies, and is there a way you could incorporate the heading of taste into this? Is there the taste of blood on his lips? You could have a dark taste (such as blood or metal) and then have it change into a lighter taste (such as the whiskey or scotch Mav has shared with Ro or Ash) as he dies.I think an expansion on his and Ash's relationship, while maintaining her mysterious connections, would allow her betrayal to also be more harshly felt by the reader.

Instead of directly stating that Mav has a flashback, perhaps pull the reader into the flashback with atmospheric descriptions. And some taste also, such as the taste of blood left in Mav's mouth that was from whatever caused Mav's arm to be damaged?

Note after reading beginning: I like that you have the repetition of these flashbacks, and that this reflects the hard nature of war, especially the PTSD it leaves soldiers with. Does Mav's desire for revenge allow him to temporarily avoid admitting there is something wrong with him, does it allow him to pretend he's healed and moved on from Ro's death and the other deaths he has witnessed?

How could you add this use of sound to the earlier sound sections?

I like that this is difficult to distinguish from reality or a flashback because that is common in PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. One of the symptoms of this is paranoia, which might make it harder for other characters to believe Mav isn't crazy. Other symptoms include irrational fears or difficulty sleeping, and comorbidity with substance abuse. Is there any way for Mav to heal from his distrust of others at the end of this story, or does he go down a self-destructive path? If he goes down the self-destructive path, does he realize the futility of his desire for revenge too late?

I like the description. How could you add some space to this paragraph to give it a little more room to describe the city? I think contrasting Mav's dislikes to the city is a good way of describing it, and think the description of Troy could also be expanded on. For instance, Troy's walls were infamous, but so were the characters of Troy. I'm not sure if you've read the Iliad in detail, but would Mav be Achilles or Hector? Also, what are some smells of the city that could fit under the smell theme of this first section?

I like this moment, and think you could use this to emphasize the fact Mav clearly distrusts Ash, yet still allows himself to be pulled along by her.

I like this, especially because I can see the parallel to Asteroid Blues. What are some personality traits that might accompany her beauty? Smooth confidence, mysteriousness, an element of something hidden? I think her description is really well-written for describing her almost silky personality and character, and think you should continue that in the way she moves through the story in later scenes, such as the scene under the heading smell.

I love the addition of the visual element of Japanese writing, especially because it is such an imagery focused language. I wonder if this is the kanji, or if there are kanji equivalents? How might you further describe the earlier neon lights, and how can you contrast the section on sight with the earlier section on smell (for instance removing some of the earlier sight-based descriptions). Or you could make sight your last category, and have something dramatic like Mav's story ending with his seeing his friend, only to realize its a stranger. (Or if you kill of Mav, having Mav see his friend as he dies or seeing himself in the mirror after exacting revenge). I feel like it'd be super cool if you really exaggerate these categorizations because I think it is such a fun idea. (Later finds out that the writing is from ghost in the shell and is surprised but also impressed)

How could you turn this into an expositional element? For instance, you could describe the changing of the landscape as Mav drives, the monumental remnants he sees as he drives, and also compare that to moments he has shared with Ro. Have they been to any of these areas before, and have they learned details about history together or has Mav found that knowledge alone? Is Ro the first person Mav has trusted, or is he the last person Mav has been able to trust, and how could you incorporate into the history description? I see you begin to add Ro and Mav's relationship with the changing landscape, and think it would be cool if you could spread hints of this history into moments such as the gas station moment.

Love this characterization.

I like this use of sound, the use of silence. How could silence worry Mav as a military type character? Does he have remnants of PTSD or other issues that influence his decisions? Do these issues aid him or hinder him in getting revenge for Ro's death? Is this part of his difficult relationship with Ash later on?

Could you expand on this history throughout the story? I know I had difficulty with my own political intrigue, so I ended up taking out a lot to make it fit better. Is there a way you could hint out this later on, such as describing the strangeness of the funeral or other settings?

I like the curtness of this paragraph. How could you use this to characterize Mav's cold anger later on?

I like Mav's skepticism, and are there any ways you could further describe his skepticism or the unusualness of Ro's death? How did Mav discover his death, and how did he feel at the moment of discovery? Is there anyway to add this scene, such as with burst shots like you see in a movie? Despite not knowing how to kill off any characters in my own story, I think character deaths can be used to say more about the main character sometimes than the one who died, allowing for useful characterization.

I think it would be nice to describe Ro's voice as he tells Mav about the events. Is it harangued, frustrated, does it sound raw or afraid? Describing someone's voice can show whether they are a loud and confident character, or someone who is shy, or show the emotions of someone. This would be a really good way to use description of the characters for this section as it is focused on sound.

How could you space out this paragraph, and contrast the present to the past? Also, how could you incorporate sound, such as the sound of Ro's voice. You could add lines implying that Ro had gone silent, and if you wanted you could mention the way this silence, instead of the sound itself, affects Mav. This could turn the section title on its head, making this section about the lack of sound where it was before. Contrarily, you could make this section about how Mav is stuck with all of the sounds in the world except for the one he wants to hear-his friend's voice. I'm not sure if that is too much of their relationship to incorporate at this point, but do think it would be useful to space out your description of Ro's findings on Lin Adams a little by indenting a new paragraph somewhere in this area.

Something interesting about snow is that it muffles sounds, so you could add something about how its ironic how deafening the sound is despite snow's muffling effect. For instance, you could add how the sound is drowning (but better description) Mav in his emotions, despite the silence of the snowfall. Or another way to contrast the beauty of the snow to the pain of Ro's death? I like this paragraph as the introduction though especially because it introduces Mav's harder life delicately.

First of all, I want to say that I love the theme element of basing each section off of a sense. I think there are many ways you could incorporate this more (sorry ahead of time for the notes) but I also think your story is very cohesive and has a good ratio of plot versus dialogue.

Especially expand on the taste of the whiskey. Does it taste like past decisions, past regrets? Is it the bitterness of the past, or the hard continuation of the life that Mav has lived? What does it make Mav feel?

This is extremely visual, but I think you could incorporate the suffocating smell of the smoke, or the heat of the flames.

I like this portion of description, and think that you could also add more of the smell aspect. Also, one way you could think of adding to the earlier scenes would be to shoot it like a movie. As someone who writes too much description, I think it would be nice if you took a couple seconds to dwell on the tensions between Ash and Mav or the unclear emotions between them. Also, I like the scenes where Ash and Mav interact so far, and think you could add aspect to aspect shots for this interaction, such as what part of Ash Mav looks at the closest or even the wariness and uncertainty towards her character.

Perhaps elongate the scent aspect of these scenes. How does Ash smell? What about her hair for instance, or the smell of the room? Is there a smell that sets of the future world you've written about such as the smell of cold metal or the smell of the weather outside.

I love the action and the way you characterize Taeen's relationships to her family, especially in the first half. The transition from childhood to adulthood is also unique, and I think that the relationship between Taeen and her parents is well-written and extremely realistic.

Feeling of betrayal?

You could use this war to build the relationships between Sayeed, Taeen, and Rafutal, showing them fighting side by side for the same cause.

I like this line and it really stood out to me. I think it could be indented and separate from the rest if you wanted to force the reader to pause to consider that war has started.

I like this unexpected act of defiance. How could you use this moment to make Rafutal's death have a stronger effect on the reader? How could you characterize Rafutal in his dying moments that give the reader a pang of regret at his death?

This moment can be so emotional because of the strong relationships you established earlier. Does Taeen really believe her father has died at first? Or does she deny it? You could try looking at the five stages of grief and incorporating those into her characterization (I googled them to double check, but they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For instance, she definitely goes through the anger and bargaining stages I saw in your story already)

To space this out a little more, you could add more interaction between Sayeed and Taeen to establish her trust in him/their relationship.

I like the suspense this builds about why the rich are building a rocket in secret. Are there any unusual happenings that Taeen might have noticed going on in her city that hinted at the rocket being built? Did any major scientists disappear mysteriously? Does Taeen already have a feeling of unease before hearing about the rocket, and how might this influence her fight for equality?

Is there anything about Sayeed's appearance or bearing that makes Taeen more likely to trust him? How can you establish the trust between Taeen and Sayeed to make his death hurt her more later in the story? Does his dying betray this trust in any way?

I think this is the moment Taeen really decides to go against the wealthy, even if that means going against her family. Is this only influenced by her anger, or are there deeper emotions you want to tell your reader about?

I like the use of this moment as her turning point, yet am also glad you decided to wait a while longer before letting Taeen change her mind later on. What are some of the emotions she is having in this moment?

I like the transition of Taeen to adulthood, especially because it continues to demonstrate her curiousity and continued interest in the unknown. Are there any more ways you could add scenes where Taeen questions the system where the wealthy are separated from the lower class, such as you did with the fight that the soldiers stopped?

What are some ways you could spread this into other portions of the story, allowing it to be part of the background of the story yet still influence Taeen's character?

I like the use of a story to establish the history of this world. How could you interspace the descriptions with Taeen's thoughts? How could she feel a bit of dissonance between what her mother is telling her and what she feels is the right path for her world to follow?

To further differentiate settings, I feel like you should add some description while Taeen is walking with her friends. This can be then later used to contrast the situation of the elites in the city, really showing the disconnect between the two groups.

I like the consistency in Taeen's relationship with her family, especially how she idolizes her father. I think this idolization would be nice to see expanded upon in the scene where Taeen is being forced to build the rocket. How does her building the rocket parallel her learning from her father? Does she feel regret at not appreciating these moments with her father, or is she angry that she could not spend longer with him? How is this also reflected in the death of Sayeed and her other friends along the way? You could use moments like this to connect the past to the simulation, or allow moments like this to not quite connect to the simulated reality, giving the glitch in the matrix feel.

I really like the emphasis on the importance of her family, especially if that is part of why all of her actions later on in the story hold so much weight. How does she feel when she is forced to leave them, and how does this conflict relate to that of her city?

This does a really good job of establishing her as a questioning and intelligent character. What are some ways you could space out this paragraph to emphasize the conflict Taeen feels about whether she can live up to her father's expectations? How does this influence her later actions in leading a resistance, and why does this make his death so impactful? Does she ever feel like she is enough, and how does this aspect within the simulation world? You could have this moment as part of the real world, and divide your story into different "episodes" that correspond to the separate simulated memories or the real ones (but not tell your reader til the end, leaving them and Taeen with the conflict of what is real and what isn't).

I really like the use of sound to bring your reader into the story! Alongside that, I like the way you introduce the reader to the questioning nature of Taeen, and think it will be good to see you expand this curiosity throughout the story.

Love the plot twist, you could add small spaces of the "glitch in the matrix"

I really like the raw action of this scene

I like this moment, and you can expand on the effects of the repeated deaths Taeen has witnessed, alongside adding how she will be able to move on from them through her rebellion against the governor.

Perhaps clarify for the reader what she has been working on, although I think the dialogue does a good job of describing it.

Perhaps add Taeen's emotions about being left alone. How does this differ from being alone in earlier situations of the story, or is she set off from the rest of society in earlier scenarios? What is the difference for her right now compared to before her father and Sayeed's deaths?

You should really try to drag out the death of Sayeed, especially the emotions that Taeen feels. Try to create shock waves of his death, and her father's death throughout the story to make the reader really feel the effects it has on Taeed's character. Also, you can drag out the characterization scenes to make each scene not feel as short. For instance, what are Taeen's reactions to the governor? How would she describe him? How would you describe someone you hate? Consider words such as disgust, hatred, and frustration, and maybe google synonyms or adjectives that give off Taeen's emotions you want to describe.

This is a good example of showing Taeen's character, without needing dialogue, or even adding additional strength to the dialogue.

I like this description and think it would be useful to add to the earlier scene, where she is at the pipe. What are the emotions she is feeling, and is that reflected in her environment? I think the anger and injustice she feels should be expanded upon in her unspoken interactions, although I think there is a way you can and should maintain your steady and immense flow of dialogue.

You could add more description of Taeen's feelings here, or add more description of who she is, the worries she feels in this moment.

I like how in depth the dialogue is, and you take these chances to characterize how Taeen is interpreting the events around her. I like that you add her anger into her words, and I think it would be interesting to discuss how that changes her character, giving a break for the reader to their dialogue.

Especially right here, I feel you could drag out this scene to influence more emotionality in the reader. Although you can hear Taeen's reaction, what about it should we see? What is she not saying aloud? What is her conflict of emotion?

I really like that this piece of dialogue ends your story, as it shows Bex has come full circle to fully appreciate herself. You can take advantage of this earlier on by adding spots of emphasis where she might feel discomfort with the system reflected in herself. For instance, Bex at one point she wishes for a longer name, but that is her way of saying she wishes she didn't have to be categorized so concretely as a have-not. So far, I think your story will have a lot of depth and holds a lot of dimensionality despite being a shorter length.

I like the description here, and think it would be nice to see this when first seeing a Clock person earlier in the story. One way you could do that scene could be to emphasize the differences between the Clock people and Bez, or the similarities. Another thing you could use is the part where you mention the Clock people begging for oil by expanding it into a portion of the plot, such as when she is walking in the dark at the very beginning. This could be used to slightly shock the reader at the existence of the Clock people.

I like that this ending so far doesn't have the typical "hero solves all of the problems in one swing" especially due to the social issues it addresses. I think this scene is actually really well-written so far, but definitely will be improved by Bex's internal conflicts and the external reflections of that earlier in the story. An interesting writing technique you could use is to parallel Bex's storyline with a second character, such as Flint, to demonstrate the disengage between the lives of the Clock people and the lives of the Chronians.

I like how you relate everything to time, and also to light. What are some ironies about light being the "good" side you could take advantage of throughout this story? For instance, did you intentionally make the Clock people on the light side to represent their better nature? Could the Twilight represent the gray morality with which the three-second people view their own actions? So far I enjoy how there can be a dimensionality to why you have chosen the setting, and I think that adds interest for the reader that you could expand upon as you continue writing.

Although I know that the word introduction is part of your draft, I think it would be stylistically interesting to see how you could incorporate ominous headings like this throughout. Especially because they force the reader to pause, and you could use this to mirror the hold of breathe the characters feel right before the clock ticks once again.

I like how this bit of exposition characterizes Bex as being a character who likes to follow the rules and the expected.

I absolutely love this first paragraph because the way it is written also makes the reader almost pause alongside the clock people.

This is a really interesting story! The only suggestions I have would be to expand upon or add more detail throughout places you feel are important to empathize within the plot, such as the ending, and to see whether you feel it is easier to read by spreading out the dialogue into separate paragraphs. Otherwise, I like how you continuously move the plot forward, and would love to see how you add more description to the idea of this simulated reality in your later drafts.

I think this point would be great to see expanded upon, especially because it would be interesting to see that the Pentagon society isn't as good as you might expect at first, and neither is the world Zienna comes from. This would be an interesting take on showing that the world often comes in shades of gray, not just only good or only bad.

I really like that your character is always thinking. What are some things she thinks of her surroundings? So far, you make good use of the limited word count in order to have a solid plot but also add enough detail to make it make sense and fit. Are there any moments you want to milk more/drag out to make the reader think or feel more? That is one question you could ask yourself as editing that I think will help the end product become more polished.

This moment would be cool to expand upon, especially because it could show more about why the main character doesn't like the Pents, or even the inherent problems of the justice system of her world.

I like this transition to a conspiracy theory, and how it connects the past to the present. One way you could make this section better would be to indent for every new person who says something, as that would make it easier to read. I think the dialogue you have so far is super engaging, yet it doesn't overwhelm the rest of the story because you also add enough plot to make up for it. One way you could add to your characters' characterization could be to describe what they look like when they speak, or add more about how Zienna feels about Eric's words.

I like that this introduces the antagonist as someone who is almost nondescript, and also adds charisma as one of the traits of the main character. Will this help her or aid her, and in what ways will she be able to apply her training later on?

This is good for establishing your character's intelligence! What are some more hints of how this relates to her other traits/the rest of her personality? I really like the suspense that you keep throughout the story by switching between the past and the present, along with adding areas where even Zienna is confused.

I like how this contrasts the main character with what is common in their world. What makes them different, and why are they the main character? I think it is a good way to characterize them, and I wonder why their dislike of digital technology doesn't extend to the AI or mechanical arm?

One thing you could add is more description of how the character feels about the farm, or what Mark looks like. However, I think that it is good you keep your plot moving by jumping between action and exposition.

I like how this makes her a reluctant hero. What are some aspects of this journey that contrast with her personality, such as how she likes action? Why is that important to the exposition?

Something you could add to the story is further hints at this point of why she lost her arm or how they both ended up with the Federal Bureau. Also, if you are wanting to, you could break up the paragraphs to add more description or drag out the suspense as to why Zienna is at the center of the combative zone. So far, I think your story does a good job of building the reader's curiousity, and I think it would be an interesting route if you really made them have to wait to find out more.

I like how you add the interjections to show how she is in pain, and I am interested to see if this writing style continues throughout.

I think this is a super interesting start to the story, and I like how you are using first person, as I think it will be nice to see the introspection of your character.