Establishing Imagery in “The Marginal World”
This was originally a response to Rachel Carson's "The Marginal World." The original task called for an analysis on a descriptive excerpt from the passage in which I discuss how and why she wrote it. I wanted to write a second draft of this response because the first draft was a prime example of my issues regarding redundancy and a lack of clarity.
This imagery is also used in this paragraph to demonstrate Carson’s understanding of the shoreline
The original second paragraph was a general restatement of what I said before regarding establishing a background image, and it led into a paragraph that held many redundant ideas. I decided to replace the sentence completely to introduce a new angle that would justify a new paragraph. Now the paragraph is an analysis of Carson's point of view regarding the dual nature of the shoreline instead of a restatement of the first paragraph.
Later in the essay, her descriptions are about the creatures’ adaptations to the harshness of the environment.
The original draft had the sentence, "Each description of the creatures along the shoreline are adaptations to the harshness of the environment." Not only was this sentence awkward, but its meaning was not clear. I reworked the sentence to make it clear for the reader what these "descriptions" are about.
She describes the two states of the shoreline when she says, “On the ebb of the tide, it knows the harsh extremes of the land world, being exposed to heat and cold, to wind, to rain and drying sun. On the flood side, it is a water world, returning briefly to the relative stability of the open sea.”
In the first draft, I was vague in referencing the passage that I was discussing. I continuously referenced "the image at the beginning of the chapter", but I never specifically stated which one. For this revision, I made it clear by directly quoting the two sentences that I am analyzing.
Now the author is able to reference this description later in the essay to support her arguments without confusing the audience
This sentence was added to the end of the analysis to give a brief answer as to why Carson made this description. Ending the essay in this way ensures that all of the questions raised by Carson's descriptions are answered.
From here, I have a clear view of the cul-de-sac at the entrance to Keyes North. Beyond that is a hill with stairs leading to Stuart dining hall. This wide view gives the room the feeling of a watchtower high above the activity of Newton campus. Throughout the day, I can see various groups of people coming and going on these stairs, and I can sometimes even hear their voices travel up to my window on the fourth floor. This is a nice view to have, since it offers a bright open space to look at when brainstorming, and it enables me to see when my friends are coming back to the dorms
This is another example of adding rich imagery to a previously nonspecific passage. The first draft referenced my "unobstructed views of Newton campus", but it did not describe exactly what one could see. I added the typical sights from my window to give the audience some more specific visuals, and I decided to use some description of sound to round out the image. Since this essay's goal is to make the audience feel like they have visited the room, a full sensory experience should be created, and this was part of the effort to achieve this goal.
Going from class to class can be tiring, and going back to my room at the end of the day offers a chance to recharge.
The first draft did not elaborate on how the room is a form of escape, and it was not clear on what my friends and I were escaping from. I made the decision to add this sentence since it clarifies both of these issues with one sentence that did not effect the flow of the paragraph.
It can truly be a space for many purposes
In the first draft, the final sentence was "It can truly be a space for anything one wants it to be". This was a clear hyperbole, and it contradicted my image of a dorm room being a simple pleasure for anyone to enjoy. Claiming that it can be used for literally anything goes beyond the scope of what I was saying in my paper. This new final sentence narrows the scope and keeps it in line with the rest of the essay.
Whether watching a sports game or playing video games, this is the center of the social aspect of the space. We stay up late into the night playing NBA 2k17 and FIFA, mixing it up with the occasional episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or whichever NBA match-up there is that evening
The first draft did not mention what the television is used for. I stated that it aided in the transition from peacefulness to social interaction, but I never specified the role it plays in this. By specifying the activities that surround the television, the audience can better understand how it makes the room a social hub.
Typically, a dorm room is split down the middle, with each roommate choosing a side, but here, the furniture is distributed around the perimeter of the room, leaving a spacious center to host many guests at a time. When work is finished, or I feel in the mood for socializing, I use my bungee cord to hold open the door, and one by one, my friends file in the room to join my roommate and me
In the first draft, the paragraph abruptly shifted from the solitude of the room to its social aspect. This sentence improved flow by describing the transition between the two functions of the room and by providing an image of the space. Now, the second draft of the paragraph has a much smoother transition.
For example, the board currently says “Brian is a spy” in reference to a game we play called The Resistance. As people passed, they wrote sarcastic and witty responses in the style of an Instagram post’s comments. To add to the humor, this “post” has thousands of dislikes
Before this addition, there was no concrete example for what one can find on the whiteboard. This was a problem because it did not give a specific image for the audience. This sentence was added because it allows the reader to understand the kinds of things posted on the board and how the floor responds to it.