There are good kernels here, but I think the arguments don't built upon each-other well, and there is a lack of evidence (I stopped added cite to all the applicable places because it should just be a general note) necessary to support this thesis. However, on the sentence level, it is a well written paper and I think you could take this in a good direction, even though it's a little short on word count.

good evidence. I think you need more though

What other option is there? (redundant). Also If you're going to claim that you need to cite.

Good quote, first part of the sentence is redundant.

Keeping the structural level of your argument consistent (family, child, country) or at least pointing out when those shifts are made would add clarity

cite

what are the cons? Address possible counter-arguments

compared to when? cite.

I'm confused by what this paragraph is arguing.

This would be a very interesting thesis, if you wanted to change directions. I'm not sure you prove it though

okay, but upward mobility for immigrant doesn't translate to total economic benefit.

cite

cite

Do they act on them all of the time though? The perspective of this quote and argument is unclear.

This is shifting away from the psychological/ strictly social topic of the paragraph.

Although America-specific earlier on in the essay, this paragraph has just discussed the general condition of immigrant children, so I think you should note this is an American system

I would change the word choice here. It's confusing within the broader context of immigration

I would separate these two sentences. Good points.

Is introversion inherently bad?

I'm not sure you need the quote here, just citing with the rest of the sentence intact is enough. The terminology is confusing

Is this unique to children? cite

repetition with "moving.. new country" and "into a new community"

You need more scientific evidence and to connect this to a broader argument. Is this a caveat or central to the argument?

Connect this thought to anxiety

Good. However, connect these particular jobs to the tendency for them not to be secured before immigration

cite

I think you could find a more powerful example, especially one that has scientific evidence/ citation ability

This phrase might be unnecessary. I believe it clouds the topic of this paragraph, anxiety associated with immigration/emigration

Use of second person, too informal

This is the first time you mention the economy, and I'm not sure this thesis is specific enough because I'm left questioning "better than what?"

This paragraph seems a little repetitive, especially with regards to this idea. Moreover, it doesn't build to create a logical conclusion to your thesis in the next sentence.

a little self-evident

This sentence seems like a re-statement of your second sentence

This idea isn't fleshed out enough in the designated paragraph. You more talk about the advantages or hardships if one member goes first rather than if there's pre-existing family.

cite

Maybe too general of a first word

cite

I don't know if you need this reference. it is likely overused

Separate the sentences here and specify that these countries are on the higher end of extremes

Overall, I think the paragraphs should go 1, 3, 2, and then add another body paragraph defining self care and its link to karoshi. The terms need to be clearer, some sentences cleaned up, and you should slim down some of the paragraphs so they're more digestible. It also wouldn't hurt to paper in more tie ins to self care and karoshi in the 1st and 3rd body paragraphs . Also try to avoid placing agency in the hands of companies/ structure ground the active case in a real- life enactor. Examine the vitality of each piece of evidence to ensure you're not leaning too much on the research. Overall decently structured and specific.

Does this work in this paragraph? I'm not sure it's the strongest last piece of evidence, maybe use it earlier on in the para. or remove it altogether

they represent is cleaner

Maybe be more consistent / specific about individual/ worker terminology

companies don't particularly have aims

define presentee-ism

Citing a broader study as well as a cultural nuance would help the argument

is this necessarily true, be more specific in the analysis perhaps

comma

clean up

The second time you're mentioning America specifically, but I'm not convinced we need a comparison by what you have written thus far, so explain

Again, not the most clear and doesn't directly tie back into the broader argument

Choose a better transition

how has this changed over time? Could also put this in the economy paragraph

I'm not saying this isn't relevant, but i could not be. Maybe its the placement or lack of analysis.

confusing syntax. You need to tie together the two points in this paragraph and mention self care or allude to it at least in this sentence, preferably thorough-out the paragraph

Explain the significance of this

I'm not sure using perhaps best serves your argument, here or anywhere else in the essay.

cite and perhaps provide more analysis

You haven't defined this term

remove

This could be confusing, Also if you're trying to link the different periods of Japan's economy with their specific impact on karoshi, make it sequential and allow it to flow

A weak sentance

Not clear

I think this paragraph has too much going on, yet conspicuously lacking any reference to self-care. Clean it up

undertaken

not super clear, maybe separate these thoughts

cut out

and

I don't think you need this example

Clarify, and I think you need to make clear earlier what karoshi is

not super necessary

This sentence is a little clunky.

great paragraph content-wise. However needs a conclusion

Cite. The next sentence although cited, doesn't connect to black men to toxic masculinity specifically

This could be very effectively woven into the next paragraph. Also i think the logical path of the argument would work better if the last sentence was first

great example

It seems like this could have its own paragraph if you wanted, because it seems education is one of the only bigger factors of negative socialization for black men.

You should prove the correlation between mental health and substance abuse for this argument to be stronger

good point. Also historical precedent for this if you wanted to get into it

by just black men or by incarcerated men? basically by who?

specify

could rework for clarity

good phrase

It is unclear to me after reading the first paragraph that this is an essay about "Young Black Men and Mental Health" in general

Incredibly strong point. I think this whole paragraph could be incorporated into the concluding paragraph, beginning with this sentence.

Is this a quote? If not, the wording is a little unclear

I'm not sure if this is the correct word choice. I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to say by using it

a little wordy. The phrasing clouds you argument and makes it seems like your explaining a caveat rather than the critical point it is

I'm not sure you proved this point specifically earlier in the related paragraph, and I think that would benefit your paper

good

Maybe supposed to be "the"- good point

This point I feel like you hint at but should be stronger: the mental health community is alienating a community most in need of their help by failing to instill trust in them, Also this paragraph needs a conclusion.

Your concluding sentence should definitely include something about mental health, and "making their problems worse" seems to me like a weak phrase to end on.

Overall, very well researched and compelling essay. However, I think it requires fixing some of the wordiness and better organization, specifically combing your logos and pathos (facts and Brian). You have two very strong aspects of the essay, the Brian's story and statistical evidence and they go hand in hand. Therefore, they would be much stronger if incorporated together, so the reader doesn't feel like they're reading two essays

What does this mean? I don't think dependance is the right word here

Another big idea

This is a big idea. Perhaps you could talk more about microagressions.

Confusing wording. Do you mean people who are part of the black community aren't satisfied with formal mental health services?

This should go at the end of the sentence

Does this tie into the toxic masculinity particularly effecting black men? I think your essay would be stronger if you could tie Brian's story into the research paragraphs because it somewhat feels like two separate essays

wording

It would be nice to see statistics about black men's mental health in general if you're going to base your argument on this

A little vauge

good piece of evidence

Good. I think this whole paragraph could be incorporated into the introduction

Added specificity would improve this sentence, especially with " psychosocial factors" and " profound ramifications". Also the citation needs a beginning parenthesis

take out

What is the purpose of capitalizing these adjectives? (Black, White, Female etc.) Is this necessary?

I'm not sure this is the correct adverb

I think the wording of this could be better. Perhaps make society the subject

I'm not sure the relevancy

I'm not arguing with these claims. I just think you need to cite.

Yes! Dive that point home! Don't back off from what you’re arguing in the final sentence. Overall it seems like you have some great ideas and examples to back them up. Although, try to organize by incremental building of ideas rather than a piecewise method. Also define your essential information like how you're defining rich and poor, the specific details of the tax reform, and suply-side economics earlier on. Great!

I thought you were just convincing me it won't. Here is where you drive that home rather than introducing ambiguity.

I think it would be helpful to explain how income inequality is detrimental to the overall economy at some point.You seem to rely a lot on the basis that income inequality is inherently bad yet don't back it up.

This is pretty meaty to throw into the conclusion. I think this deserves further fleshing out in a body paragraph or consider relevance. Does this tie into partisanship?

This seems simplistic to me, back up with citation

diction confusing, explain please

Just add citation

Clarify if this has increased in that time span stated before

I’m not sure this is the best transition if you’re trying to continue on the line that the poor aren’t getting the opportunity to invest.

Good

The ambiguity of your stance in this sentence seems to derail the direction the paper is going, so make it clear that this is a bad choice.

It would be helpful to define the groups you're talking about because at this point all the numbers and percents are making them hard to visualize (see lowest 20% later in paragraph that I highlighted)

I'm not convinced that you ever fully flesh out supply side economics. The paper would also benefit if you refute the primary claim of supply-side economics alongside pointing out how it has failed (as you have done).

Good paragraph overall, flows well.

incomplete sentence

I don't think you need to add that, since you aren't referencing it later using the acronym

superfluous

Okay but what does this have to do with tax reform? Do you mean to say, if we’re going to keep the tax reform as is, we should raise minimum wage, because that could be a compelling thesis for the overall piece.

Might be helpful to name income disparity to tie into your overall argument, and rename at the end of the paragraph in a separate conclusion, depending on whether you want this to be an intro to the topic of income disparity or argument for minimum wage (see annotation at end of para.)

Good, but cite

This seems to me just to be the initial imperative for minimum wage. The relevance of this is dependent on you proving the correlation between low unemployment and lower minimum wage.

I didn’t realize this was a correlation (unemployment numbers affecting minimum wage prices). Can you outline this?

This sentence makes it seems like the minimum wage for an individual is determined by their tax bracket, which would need proof/citation.Additionally you have to back up the fact minimum wage jobs are dead end and prevent wealth accumulation, then cite that

I find the syntax kind of confusing. I'm also wondering if you should establish this info earlier on. However, it's definitely essential.

confusing word choice

This point could be stronger if you add statistics/ flesh it out. Also cite

citation

A perfect spot for the Kansas example in my opinion

I've missed the connection between income inequality and overall growth. The thesis of this paragraph talks about income inequality but the body and conclusion address overall growth. It would be clearer to split these terms into separate paragraphs, talking about growth in this one and income inequality in the following paragraphs (which you do well) and showing the relationship between income inequality and growth.

Info in parentheses is common knowledge, so you can get rid

Nice and clear

elaborate/prove and cite

This point is too involved for the first paragraph, and needs a secondary point that explains why that what didn’t work for the specific economic microcosm of Kanas will extend to the entire US. (I suggest placing it in the second paragraph, where I left the annotation)

A good piece of evidence, but I'm not sure it belongs in the thesis.

I'm not sure why this is significant considering the governor is also Republican. I don't think you need this sentence to make your point.

Don't need to write this out, just add the citation

parentheses again

Can you incorporate this into the sentence without using parentheses?

don't need comma after "similar"

This is pretty vague. Can you elaborate?

"this" should be followed by a specific noun

Cite and perhaps insert an example

Explain and cite please

Why is capitalism significant in this context? Are you trying to compare it to other economic systems, and how does that relate to the main clause?

Good statistic. Passive voice

These seem to me to be extra words

Confusing, I would explain this further. Also passive voice, and likely needs citing

This statement applies to all politicians. How is this particularly relevant here? It cues elaboration but none follows.

cleaner to just say "seeking"

You note this here, but the idea of partisanship although alluded to later is never fully fleshed out in either spot.

Why once again? Is there a historical context?

Passive voice. Would be stronger to use active.

The combination of these sentences is a great example of following up a claim with a citation!

It would help to explain why you used this word choice.

The first two paragraphs would better serve the paper if condensed into one, as the intro paragraph if you wanted to follow a traditional structure. Regardless, it should be noted a lot of general ideas are introduced, but selective ones are substantiated here, while others are substantiated later. Overall though, you need more evidence for your claims. A lot of good ideas though.

I'm not sure this is the best transition, and if so it could benefit form a "how" the legislation functions similarly right here

Standardization isn't always bad, especially when it comes to justice some might argue, and some might argue could actually prevent discrimination. Could you further flesh how out this important legal document contributes to discrimination. Needs citation, and although good that you have evidence, the anecdotal evidence could be supplemented by broader reaching evidence than just one judge's experience, even though she is a Harvard Professor.

confusing phrasing

I wish this phrase was more specific

good

A logically troubling phrase

You don't need "today". It's implied

Is this the end of this paragraph? If so, some sort of conclusion would help the flow of the paper. I

This should be "address" since the subject is singular (some).

this phrase makes this sentence more clunky, you don't need it

Not disagreeing, but evidence required

You can just say Western, as he's already been introdced

Should be "has", same reason (prejudice is singular).

specific word redundant in sentence

I like this idea, but a bit of a non sequiter with the evidence. Maybe those 30% of men are from a specific community as hinted at above, so I think you could do some more work to flesh this idea out.

I want to hear more about this.

A great opportunity to tie in a quote into your original sentence, would save space

Not very helpful use of self-referencing; we're talking about the real world here, not just this paper

I want data. If there are still there's continued recidivism, then what? Less money to care for inmates? If it is society biased against prisoners regardless of skills how will rehabilitation help? Following this line of questioning will aid in moving this paper toward a more compelling and specific thesis, and I think there will be room after you condense and reorganize.

Good idea. Again I need more than one anecdote to prove this.

Very strong idea. Employment of logos and pathos, the second of which could definitely be employed more if you so choose.

Again I find this phrase clunky. I think you could find a more nuanced transition.

Great. I like this as your first sentence. But it could work here too, although more specificity would help the piece especially if you wanted to follow the path of proposing a solution and putting this at the beginning this at the beginning leaves room for that here.

Also one of the strongest sentences of the paragraph, should be inverted with the prior sentence if you're keeping this placement (specific->general in conclusion (general->specific in intro))

You've got some great components. Some general trends I've noticed: 1) Structurally, I wish your ideas built upon each other a little more, and I saw your paragraphs wanting formal conclusions. In reference to your your ideas building, recidivism follows a cycle and it would aid your reader to have that spelled out in the structure. This is somewhat true already. Although, it could be tighter. 2) Content wise, having citations for a larger portion of your claims would strengthen the piece. I don't mean quotations or statistics are necessary in every case of that but more like what we were talking about in class. Additionally, I want to see more about "shifting... inequality" or the line of proposed solution, or keep it solely on cause of issue. 3) Adverbs. A lot of the adverb use I don't find necessary and somewhat distracting. I've highlighted without comment a few examples. Lastly, the strongest portion of this paper is in the second half of the body and the final concluding sentences where your voice is the clearest and most engaging.

This sentence reads a little too vague for an introduction, and a concrete example would be nice (at least somewhere later in the paper). Again, the whole you should cite something if you can argue against it. I would say you could argue against this.