I like this ending image, but I find myself wanting a return to the present moment. Some last glimpse of the father and daughter in the field.

I'm confused again about the absences. Didn't the previous two paragraphs just state that the mother left for good when the narrator was six?

I like the repetition, but I don't know that the italics are necessary.

Which song by Etta James? There's opportunity here to work some of the lyrics into the narrative.

I need to know the narrator's age to picture this.

Good description.

How old was the narrator the first time?

But is this true? The bathtub flashback has emotion from him and it's not exactly anger.

Is "walks" necessary here? We're coming back to the present moment from a flashback, so why not just pick back up on the present by having him already standing in the middle of the field?

I like this quiet, relaxed moment of intimacy. It's tense because we know what's bubbling under the surface.

seat?

Unnecessary bit of exposition. The reader already knows this.

If he's not truly talking to the narrator, then wouldn't he use the mother's name here instead of referring to her as "your mom"?

Confusing. Has she been gone for years? The previous passage says she's gone for weeks or months at a time, implying she has a pattern of showing up at some point in between these absences.

I love this.

its

I wonder if this moment would be more powerful if she refused to cry instead of outright crying. A crying child is easy to overlook simply because a crying child in a story doesn't necessarily convey great distress on the part of the child.

I like the juxtaposition of the movie scene and the exchange between the mother and father.

For such a demanding and controlling father, it seems odd that he would allow the daughter to pass up on going to the restroom with her mother since him taking her is more complicated.

Shaky, why? Has she been drinking?

I love this subtle physical contact between mother and daughter in the flashback.

This is a mystery of the piece. Where is the mother in all this? What's happened to her?

A good moment to specify exactly what kind of gun (down to the name since he would know it).

The dad is very much a villain in this piece so far. Is there anything redeeming about him?

I need more specific than "gun" to picture this. Is she holding a pistol here? A rifle? The posture will be different depending on which it is.

What kind of gun? A pistol? A rifle? Would she know the kind of pistol (or rifle, etc) it is? Has she seen it before? Is it her father's only gun? His favorite?

Consider complicating this father-daughter dynamic further. Sure, the dad is a drunk asshole. Why is he a drunk asshole? Is there anything redeeming about him waking her?

Danger, Will Robinson!

What's the light source for this? Have they left the headlights on?

Word choice? "Deteriorated" seems like too much of a mouthful when there are better, more concrete words.

Good, forlorn imagery. Nothing good happens in this place.

Combining this with the beer is an excellent way to quickly show the dynamic of their relationship.

This happened before their walk in the field? If so, past tense would be fitting here. Otherwise it's jarring and makes it seem as if he's waking her now, which is confusing since they're currently walking through a field.

I'm seeing this as a quiet, ominous opening. Silence, an open field, dead leaves, a drinking father... I don't see good things coming out of this.

I like this ending for the story. Religion and familial relationships has played a big role throughout, so this quiet nod toward a father praying (Yusuf himself is a father and much of his anxiety comes from that role) is fitting.

Makes me wonder if the following passage (the return home) is also a vision.

I love the appearance of the "ghost." I think you cleverly leave it unclear as to whether this is a ghost or a figment of Yusuf's mind. It seems fitting in a story about a drug user. One thought I entertain is that Yusuf did indeed shoot up and everything from Jude on (including Yusuf's return home) is just in Yusuf's mind as he's high and dying on the bathroom floor.

parents'... unless I've read this wrong and they're all siblings

I like the repetition of this phrase. Almost like it's a chant.

The use of italics is confusing in this exchange. Previously italics were used for Yusuf's thoughts but here they get used for dialogue. I'm left unsure if I'm reading this right, if this is dialogue (as it appears to be from the context of the scene) or if this is supposed to be inside Yusuf's head.

Love this.

Another step toward omniscience for the narrator; only Karim would know this.

Consider cutting this adverb.

Love this phrase.

I don't think the switch to first person here is intentional.

Karim is Cookie, I assume.

At this point, it's starting to become necessary for us to know who Cookie is. Otherwise there's too many mother's being thrown about, and it gets a little unclear how they all connect.

This is another step toward an omniscient narrator whereas most of the story seems to take place in Yusuf's headspace.

All of these sentences are backstory for the Melanie character. Is she important enough to the story to warrant us knowing so much about her? And if so, do we need her backstory in this big chunk?

Good description.

I don't like this sudden shift to suicide. Suicide is always a heavy hitter; it has a way of taking over the narrative. I think I'd prefer seeing his internal conflict without the oppressive pressure of suicide added.

I wonder if you could mention other water stains in this same moment. It seems like this floor would have them.

Several times throughout the narrative "rusted" is used. Consider mixing it up by occasionally describing the rust. I see the rust as connecting to Yusuf himself; he is very much a "rusted" man.

Is the capital "G" intentional? The capital suggests a name, such as with the Christian god, but placing the article "a" in front of it suggests the opposite, talking about gods in general. This may be a good place to hint at Yusuf's religion.

Consider adding something to show his mother's face; "sad" and "tired" are too abstract to picture clearly.

I like the use of "attempted." It suits the mindset of an addict.

Any complications with the birth because of the mother's drug use? Does Adam have any issues because of it?

A bit confusing at a first read. Who does this "his" refer to, Adam or Yusuf?

Consider specifying here. Does Adam have a favorite candy bar he's after? Otherwise a child wanting candy comes off as maybe a bit too general and cliche.

Good, quick adjectives build this image well.

Love the repetition.

This seems to be the weakest line of the paragraph. It just doesn't read as unique and original to the story.

Interesting contrast to the shitty room he's in.

Love this image.

Good foreshadowing. This won't end well.

I'm against the use of italics for thoughts, but that's probably a personal preference of mine.

I wonder if there's a more unique way to put this. "Itch" is pretty commonplace for describing an addict's desire.

Omniscient narrator?

Love this phrase.

My one overall critique has to be of the sources used. Simply put, this assignment says nothing of who they are. Maybe this would read better for someone in the field of graphic novel design and its use in classrooms, but as a general reader, I'm left in the dark. All of your sources are also treated as absolutely correct, as if their quotes are facts, and I wonder about that. I wonder if you disagree with them to some extent on something. Shades of gray and all that.

I wonder about the lack of a minimum. I could see students taking advantage of this.

Is this introductory phrase to this sentence needed? You again say "focus" later on in the sentence, and it seems like the meaning is kept even if you strike out these first four words.

"its"

So many verbs, so little actually happening in this phrasing.

This sentence gets a bit wonky. Consider breaking it up to make its various meanings clearer.

Origin stories are my absolute favorite.

Which are? I'm guessing "what, where, when, why, and who" but you might want to spell that out.

Might be simpler and less of a mouthful to say "those used previously" or some such.

Feels a bit clunky with unnecessary words.

"a"

All of this is just outlining how to use the software. Is it necessary? Wouldn't it suffice to leave the choice of software (I imagine there's more than one option) up to the individual instructors?

It seems like we barely get any Berthoff at all before we move on to the next assignment.

Good transition to Berthoff.

These assignments are a bit of a mouthful.

Write out "two" and "three" instead of using the numbers.

This sentence is clunky. Too many of its words mean the same thing ("identify" and "name," "source" and "originates"). I'm not entirely clear what this sentence is expecting of the students.

Consider rephrasing this to something like "you should be able." Your phrase assumes the students have mastered the strategies when in fact some may still be struggling.

I'd recommend some kind of followup to the group work. My experience is that students will slack off when given group work if there's no followup, no consequences to them slacking off.

Can we get more about the significance of the eye movement here? You say more about it on the next page with the figure by outlining how the eye has to move to read the panel, but I'm left wondering about the "so what?". So what if the eye has to move differently to read it? Why does that matter?

Who is Fleckenstein? More and more name-dropping is happening, but I don't recognize the names, so I'm left unsure as to how embedded these people are in the field. I recognized Stan Lee from the epigraph, but then, he's fairly famous.

You don't need the name here in the citation since you gave it in the sentence itself.

Who is Burmark? What is her qualification to be an expert on the subject?

What does "WPA" stand for here? I tried googling it and got something about an agency FDR set up.

Consider rephrasing as "composition instructors."

I like the exchange the story ends on, but I wonder if it would be stronger still if they actually failed to recover the car. If this was them walking home after being forced to leave the car on the bank.

This recovery seems too quick, too easy. It undercuts the earlier climax of the barely avoided accident.

I like this.

I wonder if the southern speech here could be played up a bit more. The "y'all" is suitable enough, but I almost want the farmer to comment on the predicament of the car with something colorful, country, and southern.

I wonder if this is too coherent and clean for this moment. If there's a moment when Mike should overload the narrator with profanity, this is it.

This is a confusing moment in the text. It took me a couple of read throughs to piece together the sequence of events. I get that the narrator is caught off-guard in this moment, but as a reader, I have no idea what's going on until Mike clues the narrator in to his dangerous mistake a little bit further down in the dialogue. I wonder if more imagery about the hill, the road, and the car might help prevent the reader from feeling quite as jolted as the narrator does in this moment.

Beginning to think he's not okay after all.

Seems like a weak way to describe his speed.

This won't end well. I like the quiet suggestion of things escalating.

This is good. Using a bit of profanity to color the description works well for this narrator.

An instance of the diction seeming somewhat elevated for this narrator.

Maybe consider replacing some of the profanity coming from Mike with phrases that would signal where he's from regionally.

These few sentences describing the roads are all passive, and I wonder if active voice would cut down on unnecessary words.

Why the white space if we haven't moved in time or space?

Great contrast to the profanity he's been using up til now.

Loses a bit of its punch since he effectively said exactly this earlier on the same page.

Be careful with profanity in dialogue. It's good at coloring in a character, but you don't want to over-saturate.

Consider rearranging this sentence. It's confusing at a first glance because of how long the introductory phrase is.

The word choice seems too elevated at times for the voice of a sixteen year old.

Suggests the narrator is also judging her appearance despite liking her. Good job complicating his character.

Good detail to build Mike's character.

I don't like this line. The preceding few sentences are so much stronger.

Great details. The condition of the car also suggests the now of the story is several years past the 80s.

I'm curious at this point as to what Mike's idea for the day is.

What does he read?

Fast food job where? A chain or a local joint?

I like the ending, but I'm not sure that it's been earned yet. We don't see enough of the David/Katie dynamic (David's absent from the climax as he's off with the father). I wonder too about having the mother as an absent character. If she's to play such an integral role to the conflict, then why not have her physically appear to complicate matters? It seems to weaken her character to have her exist solely as a voice on the other end of a phone call.

So nothing actually happened? Things working out seems fine in a narrative where the narrator always imagines the worst, but it seems like the conflict with the mom provides the climax for the story when that climax should've been the narrator's imagined fears and her actions regarding David's whereabouts being unknown.

So what is the father's plan for his night out with David?

We're completely abandoning the David conflict to talk to mom right now. The narrator (who's paranoid/nervous and always afraid for him) has stopped even thinking about him in this moment. Consider which conflict you want at the heart of this story, mom or David, and cut down on the other.

Odd reasoning since she didn't leave a voicemail before.

So she called David five times in seven minutes.

What time is it now? How long has she been trying to reach David?

Don't worry about including something like logic in a nightmare.

She'd leave just the one voicemail after calling him five times? What fears is she having as she's trying to reach him?

Does the exact time matter? Little details like this (and the Dolphins losing 20 to 19) make me think those tiny details are going to play some role.

Be careful with sections of exposition like this one. You've got a narrator that edges toward clingy already with her paranoia. You don't want her insecure/whining about everything.

The narrator seems a bit whiny. She assumes everything is her fault and reads into the smallest actions. Maybe try and dilute that by playing up her paranoia more.

So he knows of her paranoia?

What is this look?

I kind of want her paranoia to take these thoughts even further. These are accidents she's imagining, but I wonder if her thoughts would escalate to acts with intent (David works with a lot of people who have knives...).

These seem like obvious statements that don't need to be explicitly stated. Her paranoia about the knives works best when it's on how David could be hurt. Avoid blanket statements about knives being dangerous.

She shakes her head a lot throughout this narrative. Consider varying her gestures more.

Seems unnecessary. "Everyone" will be assumed to include David unless the narrator tells us otherwise.

The sentence needs something to show this is her assuming this is what his smile means.

Has a sexual undertone thanks to the "get laid" mention from the previous paragraph.

How did he go from "random guy holding her hair" to "friend"? I'm interested in that awkward moment when they first establish communication.

After only four months she's picturing him killing himself to leave her? Wow. Get out now, David.

Again, "before" feels unnecessary. Readers know one event preceded the other from how they're arranged in the sentence. Adding "before" makes the preceding action seem rushed (the pecking on the cheek in this sentence).

"Before" makes this sentence somewhat awkward. Cutting it would make the sequence of events in this sentence clearer. Consider breaking it into two sentences with the first one ending on "lips."

Consider making this clear in the moment of the "accident" so the reader is clued in to the narrator's delusion. Otherwise it's kind of an "a-ha! gotcha!" moment at the expense of the reader.

The narrative started with the narrator picturing something (a hanging David). Perhaps continue with that theme by having her actually picture David storming out of the house after learning these details about her.

How long has she been with David if he doesn't even know he's her first serious relationship?

Maybe expand on this fear since her fears have been the focus for the narrative and this is the first one to have some kind of reasoning behind it.

Mom is the conflict? Not David and the relationship? Or does mom tie into the conflict with David?

Be careful here. "Deciding" is tacked onto "we" in the sentence, so the narrator tiptoes a bit toward David's headspace with this line.

The blood doesn't send her mind spiraling with fears?

These lines go a bit too much in the direction of stage directions (the running and the narrator jumping up from her stool and sitting back down).

I'm not yet clear on why this day matters. The narrator pictures coming home to a dead David, but that seems to be an everyday fear for her. Why is this moment the now of the narrative? What are the stakes? Outside of the narrator's paranoia (which I enjoy), this present seems like any other in the couple's life together.

Seems like an odd verb choice here.

What are her things? What does she bring home with her? Seems like a missed opportunity to further develop her character.

Is there a particular woman in his life she fears? So far these fears don't seem grounded because we haven't been given any reason for them. As the narrative reads up to this point, I see the narrator as the one with mental illness issues and David as potentially the stable partner in the relationship.

Her (I'm assuming a female narrator) fear of him leaving has me wondering if she's overly clingy toward David.

Paranoia in the narrator?

Perhaps replace with "fears" or something to that effect.

Could she see this in the rearview mirror? Maybe consider a more obvious sign of his frustration.

This sentence looses some of its punch from being wordier than it needs to be. Consider losing unnecessary words/phrases like "in a noose" and "freshly." I wonder too if "envision" couldn't be replaced with "see" to speed up the sentence to its gory conclusion.

Perhaps this opening image would be a good place to get in some kind of description of David.

Too cliche. The paragraph ends weakly because of this line.

I like this image as the end of the collection. An image of Samuel, particularly an unclean one, seems appropriate as the ending. The ending paragraph, however, doesn't seem to carry enough weight. It's devoid of the narrator.

Coming back to looking for Samuel, good. I wonder if that could be the theme to unite these fragments. As they are now, they seem more like events associated with Samuel without anything truly connecting them to one another.

What is the narrator seeing at this moment that is so different about Samuel? Show us.

I like this phrase.

Consider shifting this to the first paragraph of this short.

The girlfriend has the same name as the narrator? I think the narrative should comment on the shared name to help avoid confusion.

This doesn't upset the narrator? I thought she had a crush on Joey.

First indication of gender for the narrator. The threat of the older, gay couple (they seem sexually interested in the teenagers) had me thinking the narrator was a boy, that these shorts would end with something sexual happening between the narrator and Samuel.

I don't understand this exchange. The teenagers are stripping to get the liquor from the middle-aged couple?

I'm wondering about the danger of the narrator passing out here. Drunk sex (possibly less than consensual) happened in a previous short, and the narrator is around older boys.

I've been wondering all along if the narrator is Samuel's younger stepsister or stepbrother. The fascination with Samuel and his masculinity has had me leaning more toward stepbrother, but stepsister would also makes sense. I just can't draw a definite conclusion from what we've been given.

"Quivered" as the verb choice here seems to have something of a sexual undertone. I wonder if that's intended.

Be careful about tense shifts.

Considering the line the last short ended on (about Samuel's penis), I wonder if you could connect this ending image to that line by showing Samuel still hanging out of the unzipped fly.

Freudian slip for what's happening behind the door?

"Breasted" seems almost too clean of a way to describe this girl for this narrator.

Avoid this shift to present tense.

The abstract sentences here are weak compared to the great concrete details that precede them.

I'm not sure what this action means, tipping a cup to the tug of the girls.

First, five and a half inches is an above average figure for a flaccid penis, so I wonder about the "only" here. Second, while I like the crassness of the line, I have to admit I'm not quite getting the joke. Is the length supposed to be helping him urinate out the window?

Leading the reader a bit too much here. We'll assume he's still peeing until the narrator's told us he's stopped (or there's some other evidence he's finished). Also, the "turned his head to face me" seems unnecessarily wordy. I wonder if "turned" is the wrong verb here, if something like "looked" or "glanced" would give you more mileage ("he looked at me," "he glanced at me," etc).

"Unluckily" slows down the sentence for me. Just too many syllables for too little meaning.

The previous sentence already states this information (if half the steps are there, then it stands to reason that the other half are not).

While I like "peeling skin" here, I'm having trouble picturing where the light's actually coming through in this image.

Might be somewhat cliche as a description.

Odd phrasing.

Don't use "seemingly quite strange" twice in the same sentence. It weakens your syntax.

Avoid "stream" with sunlight since the verb gets associated with urine in the very same sentence.

I'll end with this comment: I wonder what could be gained by giving Manny more direct dialogue (his only direct dialogue in the story right now is the bit about Mara being in the shower too long). As he currently is, Manny comes off as the typical, one-dimensional evil that is the shitty new step-dad. There's not much room to play with that in a short story and he is a tertiary character, but I wonder how it would expand the comparison between him and the biological father if Manny was more of a character in his own right.

Tell us this sooner.

I'd not sure she'd be this handicapped from osteoporosis, not until she's much older at least. I could be wrong, my own experience with it is limited, but I'm finding it hard to believe this version of the mother compared to the one of the past, the mother young and healthy enough to date and find a new man. Knowing how long it's been since that past would help.

Good detail.

Is she mentally handicapped? It seems almost childish of her to ask for help with just the one word.

This makes it seem like the mom has aged a good deal since the story of the past. How much time is there between these two threads of the narrative. Mara was seven in the past. How old is she now?

I expected pregnancy, not osteoporosis. Has the fuller belly from before been abandoned?

Confusing. Going from the past scene of the shower with her mom to this present scene with just Mara in the shower made it seem as though this was still the shower scene with the mom until I got further down the page and had to look back up to figure out why Manny was suddenly there.

Pregnant? How much time has elapsed in the past narrative? How long has she been dating Manny?