This is the best concluding sentence I have written this semester. The original essay ended with the first sentence of this paragraph. The problem with that is that I did not expand on that idea enough. The message is nice, but too general and abstract. This conclusion, however, wraps everything up in a concise and unique way. It allows me to explain how one can find meaning in a place, reveals the symbolic nature of Jess's mountains, and suggests that society take action to find security in a complex life.

The inclusion of Jess makes this essay much more personal and impactful. In the first draft, I struggled with connecting my ideas between paragraphs and having these ideas develop one more significant message at the end of the essay. Introducing her in the beginning as an insecure person and then bringing her back in the end to show how to cope with insecurity makes the essay flow better and deepens the connections between the major ideas of each paragraph. Without her, this essay would have been too loosely structured, meaning that some of its significance would be lost in the transitions between ideas.

This is the message of the essay. From my first draft, however, it was hard to decipher. Originally, this message was hidden in a small series of abstract sentences that made little to no sense to an outside reader. Clarity was a major issue of mine coming into this class, and to some degree, it still is a weakness. If the heart of the essay is unclear to the reader, then there is no point to writing it to begin with. The idea behind this sentence and the last few paragraphs of the essay has become much clearer after revision, making the point of the essay as a whole much more significant to the reader.

This is one of the hardest sentences I've ever had to write. I used to think that the more confident a writer is, the better the writing. One thing I've learned in this class is that this is not true. Probably the most significant revision I made in this essay is the inclusion of my insecurity and vulnerability as a person. It's never comfortable to talk about your own fears and insecurities, but I feel that doing so is the most significant reason why this essay went from boring to great (not to brag, of course.)

A significant yet subtle change I made from the first draft to here is that this sentence is more personal. In my first draft, this sentence, along with the rest of the paragraph, was general and honestly boring. Instead of talking about what makes math appealing in general, I decided to instead write about what makes math appealing to me. One of my biggest problems going into first year writing seminar was that my writing was incredibly formal and impersonal. This sentence specifically shows that I have made my writing more personal, which definitely improves the overall quality of this essay. What used to be an abstract, boring paper about math has changed to a more personal narrative that I feel is interesting to the reader.

This is the message of the essay. From my first draft, however, it was hard to decipher. Originally, this message was hidden in a small series of abstract sentences that made little to no sense to an outside reader. Clarity was a major issue of mine coming into this class, and to some degree, it still is a weakness. If the heart of the essay is unclear to the reader, then there is no point to writing it to begin with. The idea behind this sentence and the last few paragraphs of the essay has become much clearer after revision, making the point of the essay as a whole much more significant to the reader.

This is one of the hardest sentences I've ever had to write. I used to think that the more confident a writer is, the better the writing. One thing I've learned in this class is that this is not true. Probably the most significant revision I made in this essay is the inclusion of my insecurity and vulnerability as a person. It's never comfortable to talk about your own fears and insecurities, but I feel that doing so is the most significant reason why this essay went from boring to great (not to brag, of course.)

A significant yet subtle change I made from the first draft to here is that this sentence is more personal. In my first draft, this sentence, along with the rest of the paragraph, was general and honestly boring. Instead of talking about what makes math appealing in general, I decided to instead write about what makes math appealing to me. One of my biggest problems going into first year writing seminar was that my writing was incredibly formal and impersonal. This sentence specifically shows that I have made my writing more personal, which definitely improves the overall quality of this essay. What used to be an abstract, boring paper about math has changed to a more personal narrative that I feel is interesting to the reader.

This piece of writing is a revision of my one-pager for the profile assignment, which asked us to explain which subculture we were thinking about investigating and how we will go about doing the interviews and field observations. I decided to revise this piece because this one seemed especially bland and impersonal compared other shorter pieces, so I figured it needed the most work. This entire introductory paragraph is a new revision to my one-pager for the profile essay. Especially throughout the beginning part of the semester, one of my weaknesses as a writer was that I was not personal enough. I was taught in high school to write in a formal manner and avoid using the first person at all costs. I think that being more personal in my writing is one of my most significant accomplishments as a writer this semester. Here, this short narrative provides context for why I am interested in the football team as a subculture. Before including this, it was not obvious in this piece why I liked football or cared enough to want to interview the players themselves, so I think adding this introduction helps sets up the rest of the piece.

In my original piece, these five sentences were condensed into two. With only two sentences, the message I was trying to convey to the reader was unclear and confusing, so while revising I found it was necessary to expand upon my ideas to provide clarity to the reader. In general, clarity was another one of my main issues coming into first year writing seminar. I remember there were question marks all over the rough draft of my first essay. Although I still do feel my clarity and transparency as a writer need some work, I definitely see improvement from the beginning of the semester. This is an area that I can continue to work on and hopefully I can continue to make my writing more readable and understandable in the future.

In my original piece, these five sentences were condensed into two. With only two sentences, the message I was trying to convey to the reader was unclear and confusing, so while revising I found it was necessary to expand upon my ideas to provide clarity to the reader. In general, clarity was another one of my main issues coming into first year writing seminar. I remember there were question marks all over the rough draft of my first essay. Although I still do feel my clarity and transparency as a writer need some work, I definitely see improvement from the beginning of the semester. This is an area that I can continue to work on and hopefully I can continue to make my writing more readable and understandable in the future.

This piece of writing is a revision of my one-pager for the profile assignment, which asked us to explain which subculture we were thinking about investigating and how we will go about doing the interviews and field observations. I decided to revise this piece because this one seemed especially bland and impersonal compared other shorter pieces, so I figured it needed the most work. This entire introductory paragraph is a new revision to my one-pager for the profile essay. Especially throughout the beginning part of the semester, one of my weaknesses as a writer was that I was not personal enough. I was taught in high school to write in a formal manner and avoid using the first person at all costs. I think that being more personal in my writing is one of my most significant accomplishments as a writer this semester. Here, this short narrative provides context for why I am interested in the football team as a subculture. Before including this, it was not obvious in this piece why I liked football or cared enough to want to interview the players themselves, so I think adding this introduction helps sets up the rest of the piece.

yeet