Always good to have some old saying as your backup. I added this one in there as an expressing of honesty--it was exactly what I thought when I quitted the band. The academics seemed more important than a hobby, I suppose. Honestly, I often regret this choice (of leaving the band), and I would use this old saying to comfort myself that this might be the only rational way.

I tried to use more humorous and approachable tone this time, as oppose to the dull and bland tone I adopted at first. After reading my first draft the second time--this time I read it out loud, I found that I could hardly finish the piece because it was so boring. So this time I added some spice in it.

This short-essay was originally a response paper designed to judge whether the statement "it's the journey not the destination" is a valid claim. I chose to work on it further because now I have more convincing examples

Here I added a rhetorical question (although I still answered it) to make the short-essay more appealing

Although professor Zimmerman doubted the effectiveness of this paragraph as a transition to the later part of my profile essay, I decided to keep it after careful consideration. This paragraph informed my audience about the environment I grew up in. I did not come from a religious family, nor religious country. Few people I know truly believe in the supernatural power of an almighty God. The schools do not teach kids that God exists. Quite opposite, schools would give a solid argument why God does not exist. Personally I believe the change between the old doubtful me and the new me after the meeting demonstrates the effectiveness of Soon Movement.

Here I put my personal insight and reflection into the paragraph. I tried to be a mere device, like a camera, that records what is happening in my previous drafts. Seen but not heard was my motto. However later I found out that the requirement was not for me to simply record at what time somebody did what, but rather to put my personal comment and thought in it, to let my readers know how I feel about the scene I described. The goal was not to let people know what goes on at a meeting, but how I reflect on it.

This paragraph used to be integrated with the previous one. The reason why I organized it that way was because I thought these two paragraphs were all about the conversations in our first meeting--naturally, they belong in the same paragraph. The restroom beating story serves purely as an evidence that Park has a laid-back demeanor. But professor Zimmerman found it to be confusing--why does the focus suddenly shift to bathroom beating in your high school times? How does it relate to the rest of your paragraph, or the essay? And do you have to put it there? After acknowledging the reason of me doing so, he suggested that I explain more on the demeanor part, so that my audience would understand the connection between the tale and the rest of my essay.

Here I added some explanation of the concept of how Soon (small group) operates. In my earlier drafts there were no explanations whatsoever--I just presume that my audience would understand what I'm talking about or figure it out by themselves through the later part of the passage. However it turned out that I did not put anything in the later part as well. In one of our meetings, professor Zimmerman told me that it is very important to assert the main idea of a paragraph, preferably in the opening sentence, so that the audience will have a clearer sense of what am I trying to say.

This is not my original topic. Due to neglects in reading the requirements of the assignment, I chose the topic of French-American in Boston College at first. I acquired a lot of interview sources, true, but they seldom hang out together therefore I cannot observe their action. That left my first draft a very dry chunk of dull transcript of my interview. After consulting with professor Zimmerman I quickly readjusted my topic into this lovely Soon Movement and managed to catch up with the progress before deadline. Lesson learned: never start your work before fully and carefully acknowledge and understood the requirements