Consider
I changed "take" to "consider" here to make my statement more clear and flow better.
7 Matching Annotations
- Dec 2018
-
zachkniestedtfinalportfolio.wordpress.com zachkniestedtfinalportfolio.wordpress.com
-
-
arguing amongst themselves
I added this phrase to give another example of poor behavior from the stands of sporting events. In doing this, I hoped to give the my audience a more detailed picture of the kind of negative behavior that happens at sporting events.
-
I’d look out with still-sleepy eyes and smile to myself–it was, in fact, game day.
I broke up my long intro paragraph into multiple shorter paragraphs as to give my essay a bit more conciseness as I moved from point to point at the start.
-
freeing not oppressive
In my previous draft, I had used language like subjective and objective here, but in changing those to words like freeing and oppressive, I feel I have given this last sentence and last remark of this paragraph a new depth it didn't have in the last draft.
-
ame day was a much-loved weekly part of my routine growing up as I tried out different sports to find one I truly loved. I was fortunate enough to have a great sports experience thanks to my parents, coaches, and other supporters, but others haven’t been so lucky.
I originally had these two sentences broken up by a general statement about how important youth competitive sports were, but decided to edit it out as to make the paragraph more cohesive. In addition, I stated my point at the end of the paragraph and as a result, this extra sentence was not necessary.
-
Youth competitive sports provide a wonderfully positive platform for helping children get out and find what they are passionate about. Whether it’s playing the sport, becoming a coach or teacher, a doctor, or learning a life lesson from a sport and running with that, the benefits of having your child participate in a competitive sport from an early age are endless. While the vast majority of coaches and parents positively support their players and children in their athletic endeavors, the few cautionary tales are the ones that should still serve as lessons and examples of our pursuit as humans to learn from our mistakes on a larger scale, just as our kids can be doing the same in sports.
I debated whether or not to move this paragraph to the beginning of the essay, but ultimately decided to leave it where it was with some fine tuning of its language. I thought it best to leave the paragraph here as it does a good job of wrapping up my essay from an evidence standpoint.
-
The coach’s stature as the leader of the team from an adult perspective gives them the power to make or break an athlete based on the methods being applied both on and off the court.
I edited this sentence to make it pertain more to the immediate question addressed in this paragraph by making decisions on the language I was using to describe what a coach should be doing and where he/she should be doing it.
-