These paragraphs originally came later in the piece, but in later rounds of editing, as I focused on creating a narrative that was clear for readers, I decided to make them more of an introduction. I felt that by moving theses thoughts to the very beginning instead of having them as a moment of backtracking within the piece, I would be able to keep them (and opinions that I thought were essential to creating an 'I' character) while allowing the rest of the narrative to progress as a more linear story.

The first drafts of this essay failed to explain what exactly the stakes of my questions and thought explorations were. With this sentence, I hoped that readers would be able to clearly understand my intention, and the reasons I was asking myself these questions about my memories, from the very beginning.

Originally, there was no form of any dialogue that took place during the moment I describe during this narrative (the moment where I am sitting and eating pancakes while thinking through what my memory might reveal about my personality). However, I decided to add this piece of thought dialogue after searching for ways to make my 'I' character more concrete and visible to the reader.

In reality, as well as the previous drafts of this essay, there was another character on the floor who was sitting there with me (Megan). As I read through the piece, attempting to edit for clarity and to create an easier to follow story, I decided to remove her from the story in order to make the moment more straightforward to read. The existence of only two characters within the moment seemed much easier to grasp, especially since the third (although she is wonderful in real life) was not essential and only adding clutter to the narrative.

In the first drafts of my piece, this was essentially my ending, the conclusion my 'I' character arrived at. But as I continued tinkering with the piece, I felt that this wasn't the answer that I was actually searching for in the piece. Instead, I decided to make this idea a rejected step in my thought process, which allowed me to express a more authentic conclusion at the end of the piece.

When I first drafted this essay, it really lacked a clear connecting narrative. So in order to make the shape more clear, I made sure to include reference to the larger moment (me eating pancakes) in between the descriptions of the memories. I hoped that these reminders, although short, would make the narrative easier for readers to follow.

As I edited, I changed the pronouns from 'me' and 'I' (which is what they were originally) to 'we' and 'us' in an effort to more directly draw readers into the piece.

After explaining what I meant by perspective, I wanted to clearly explain why I find the reminder so important, and to attempt to bring back the image of the puddlem and give it a larger connection.

With this, I wanted to use the image of the puddle (with its hidden nature and impermanence) to pivot into a larger discussion of the importance of perspective.

Beginning with this paragraph, almost everything is new. The original freewrite was essentially just the description of the puddle, and a short concluding sentence about different points of view.

Originally, this piece was a freewrite. I cannot remember the exact starter (this might even have been a free-freewrite) but it was definitely written during the time when I was thinking about how to approach my meditation on place essay. This piece, in which I explored how no two people see the world in the same way, allowed me to being thinking about how I wanted to bring that same observation into my place essay.

I feel like you language in this paragraph (and at other times throughout the piece) is too formal. It flows naturally on its own, so you don't really need to use word life 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'therefore.'

Another way ton continue on and more into the insight is to include any recent instances where you have felt this tension. Have you been successful in becoming this leader? Also I think is might be interesting to ask why you want to be this way. What does that say about you/ your values?

Some of the language you use in this paragraph is a bit repetitive. For example, this is the second sentence you start with "my experience at convocation.." you might want to change it up.

This might be personal preference, but I would love to know what happened next. You don't have to include very much, but have you actually started living by this new ethos?

I really think that these thoughts deserve their own paragraph. If you can, deepen your personal analysis, maybe even explaining if this realization has changed the way that you interact with the world around you.

I wonder if you might be able to tie in a more clear connection to a larger network here. Maybe by deepening your personal analysis a network that you fit into, or don't, will become clear.

I also think that conducting an interview with someone who never liked and still doesn't like Bieber would be very interesting, and add another layer of complexity to your essay.

Is there a way to find any statistical proof that the overall number of friends users tend have is increasing? I just thought that would be a hard fact that would make your argument and essay even more convincing and clear.

I wonder if a bit of creative or anecdotal writing would help make this introduction even more powerful, and help draw the reader into the world of the essay. Maybe you could describe participating in the ice bucket challenge of you actually did, or if you didn't maybe you could imagine what it would be like and walk the reader through that.

Around this point, your use of passive voice increases. Even though the events are in the past, making your sentences more active would make your descriptions even more striking.

This is just a suggestion, but I think that 'conformity' could be one last big picture idea that might be interesting to include in your essay. Maybe you could weave something in about the individuality and conformity when you are describing the many different people you see in the quad. That would also give your theme of people watching an even larger meaning.

I love the idea of your introduction, but I wonder if the first few sentences are a little wordy. They are very descriptive, bit a little overwhelming for the first three sentences, I feel like I had to reread them a few times to understand what exactly was going on.

Your writing is so clear, and this paragraph is an awesome summary. Towards the bottom you are beginning to get to a point, but I feel like you cut it off before you actually analyze anything. I would ask yourself how these examples successfully demonstrate Wallace's point to reader?

This is such an interesting point, if at all possible, try and weave it into the rest of you essay. Maybe if you wanted to cut out a little of the summary-heavy sections, you would be able to analyze specific moments in Wallace's essay where the reader is pushed to reflect on their own attitude toward the issue.