- Feb 2017
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lti.hypothesislabs.com lti.hypothesislabs.com
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sweat drenched
Sweat-drenched.
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has caused u
Tense slip.
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but I’m ready to conquer.
Again, the child narrator's voice slips.
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I waste no time in getting out of the house
I run over to Felicia's.
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Her closed eye priesopen
Why not "her eye opens?"
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I swear that we will play where you can see me. Her mom is home. I swear,
The repetition is helpful to establish a child's voice. This is good.
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worry that myplea
Again, child narrator -- might say "worry that she won't"
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and walk like Frankenstein in order to not hit anything.
I liked this one.
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Running inside, I yell at her to stay put while I ask for the fourth time this week.
I would break this into two sentences. Technically speaking, these actions can occur simultaneously, but the pattern of participial sentences confuses action.
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sodium drenched
I'm with Emory; drenched is not a child's word.
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soggy ramen noodles to my side of the table.
Again, get quick a bit here. Back story and economic disposition.
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Bombay colored hand
Bombay-colored. Also, this was so specific I had to look it up to see. Well done.
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We are best friends, but we have never been on the same side of the fence.
This entire sentence gives a lot of mileage; past, present, and a hint of what will likely be the future. Economical way of covering a lot of ground for the reader.
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fit tightly
Fit already is a specific verb. I don't think the tightly is necessary (most because skittles are passed with ease).
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Speaking of Fences
Great title. There's an invitational quality to it, yet, a note of conflict.
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