Hi Emory,

Enjoyed this piece. Masterful use of detail, exceptional characterization between the brother and sister, a painful glimpse as what letting go is like.

From an overall perspective (and perhaps I missed it), I found myself wanting to know: 1) How old the brother and sister are now 2) What the plan may be -- not an explicit mention, per se, but some reference to what is to come in the future.

Very few recommendations as far as anything else goes -- I commented a bit in the MS regarding things that sounds off or perhaps too much. Thanks for sharing!

This could be cut.

Dregs = great. Still feeling = might look for something else. "Residual dregs of the nightmare stuck/clung/coated" etc.

Tactile = AMAZING.

Economical way to show the emptiness and longing for physical contact.

This line sounds strange coming out of a nightmare.

I appreciate the audio sense conveyed in this piece. Also, the memories feel realistic in what a memory could access at that age.

Do they need the apostrophe?

Know that feeling too (minus the farm part)

I know that feeling.

Just both breasts

And now I am wondering why he fell deathly still.

This was inferred by the dialogue

Just AC I think.

Never heard this before. I like it.

As a reader, I am dying to know why -- this is adept.

Although a good way to let the reader know (if important), this feels a touch heavy-handed.

This is a deft touch; rather than explode, the character uses tact.

Might just want to shoot straight for "son of a bitch" here

Again, I get a sense of region and characterization. It's details like these that ensnare a reader and make me want to go on.

Fantastic way to set voice for narrator.

Characterization is alluded to, details are on point. This is good stuff.

Hey Chris,

Loved this story. I think you have done an excellent job at building characterization between the two brothers. It's tricky to capture familial peculiarities, but I think it's well handled here. Couple of suggestions:

1) I've marked several areas in the text where the narrator uses words that feel a bit thesaurus-y given his age. Given the beer drinking/insult-piling nature of the protag, it just seems out of context.

2) Although nothing drastic needs to happen (I'm glad they survive the day), I would suggest adding more conflict into the beginning of the piece. To hook a reader, knowing two brothers are gearing up to drive with some beer may spell some conflict, but any additional level might help; a time limit with the car, somewhere they have to stop off, the hint that trespassing carries big penalties in this town...anything. Conflict drives the engine, and as is, we have one moment where it looks like Mike may have injured himself.

All in all, a very smooth read. Authentic language, perfect snapshot of siblings at a particular stage and phase. Good job with this one.

Again, I would add a character dialogue tag so we know who's speaking.

,

THIS is excellent. THIS is coming from a disenfranchised 16 year old.

Maintainable, palpable, imbibing...

Hah!

What age is the narrator when recalling this. Similar to "maintainable," this word feels off for a 16 year old.

Excellent taunt. Also: because there is 6 lines that are one line, a single dialogue attribution tag would be helpful right about here.

This word seems off here.

I would just put "and he spills"

Feels like a way to force this detail in. Better, maybe: "Even at 16, I can figure this shit out."

Strange adj to use

Even though close to mention, I might get this in before calling her that.

I wondered the same

no comma needed

Loving the detail, especially the narrator-realistic metaphors.

Definitely something a metalhead would connect/envision.

Ah, yes, Vic Rattlehead. I own about 17 or so myself.

I would specify which; by listing things, it doesn't sound authentic.

Interesting way to show mood/back story; clearly, the narrator wants to remain in bed for a reason.

I might change this to: "his brow wrinkles/furrows in his attempt to be fierce, take control, etc." "attempt at sternness" sounds awkward.

Already have my attention.

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for sharing this.

This story hyperfocuses and presents the reader with a slow trauma, a very realistic glimpse at Mara and her disillusionment as she grows older. I'll stick with comments that are outside of what everyone else mostly fixated on.

1) As a reader, I wanted to know how old Mara was at all stages of this story. Because descriptions of her mother are abundant but not her, it's difficult to tell. Childhood affectations like stuffed animals and such are present, but that's not enough of an indicator.

2) The bits about the stepfather come quick, with "they kept going out" as the only guideline. Some sort of verbal exchange about engagement would have been helpful for me as a reader.

3) I think the emotion in this piece is handled VERY well. The slow growing sadness in Mara, taking cold showers, etc. Feeling is handled masterfully in this piece.

Thanks for sharing, and if you have any questions please feel free to hit me up!

She didn't seem ashamed at all earlier.

It lasts 2 hours here, though...

That is the biggest hot water boiler I have ever heard of. Also, skin after 2 hours of shower immersion?

Head-hopping here. POV shifts with little warning.

You're good

The fixation on showers is apparent at every turn of phrase.

Would this be shared with the kid?

That's awfully presumptuous. Where is the engagement announcement?

Very adept way of introducing info.

Why not introduce when they arrive rather than upfront like this?

Holding stuffed animal, showering with parents, yet, can be left alone? This is some mother...

Who would actually say this outright to their kids? The level of optimism is nearly...frightening.

I'm a huge proponent of using said or asked. "resigned" is inferred from the dialogue.

Well, if she did, why would she ask?

She's actually toweling her off?

I'm sure others have a variety of opinions on this one as well, but the idea of showering together, for me, hits a strange level of intimacy. Bathing babies/toddlers I get, but playing standing games in the shower? I imagine most readers might struggle with this one.

excellent way to give description without forcing it.

add ,

Interesting use of narration. 3rd person limited, but truly "in the head." Curious to see how this will go.

Is this the end of this piece?

A great read. I absolutely loved the very specific details; destroyed veins, a history, ghosts warning of the danger. Normally in pieces where the dead warn the living and they make a switch I am wary, but I feel this was cleverly done.

A couple of things:

1) Why shoot up in the bathroom? Why not in a park? Did the cashier handle the transaction/sale of drugs? I must have missed that.

2) I would make clear when the large blocks of italic appear who is speaking. As it is, it takes a little bit to figure out.

3) Spread out the backstory just a pinch more in the beginning.

An amazing read, Jou Jou. Thanks for sharing it! I hope my comments are helpful!

A fat heroin addict?

Hard to tell who is speaking when both in italics

Work although rich?

which is?

In the mirror?

Good scene ender.

The notion of knowing a funeral is held for someone who's alive and knows it? Absolutely brutal. This one cuts deep.

Stays authentic to the culture/language.

The cadence of names sounds great when read in my mind. This has great variety.

no comma needed.

Powerful.

of horrors?

All AMAZING details.

Because the mirror "spoke" to him in italics earlier, I find myself wondering if this is internal dialogue or another ghost-like figure speaking.

Harrowing, and an excellent way to show his state of mind.

Parcel out the backstory!

Great details...maybe introduce a bit more over time?

Conflict suggestion, backstory, and threat present. Excellent. You've got my attention.

...which he knows...?

-

They two words couple so well. Amazing!

Hi Rhonda!

Thanks for sharing this piece.

Ultimately, I feel the back and forth in time work very well to tell this tale. Your scene breaks are well executed and you do a lot to keep a reader in suspense. Well done.

I've marked several moments in the MS where the narrator's internal thoughts echo what is shown through the description/dialogue. Also, is this the end of this piece? It seems very abrupt! I find myself wondering the rest of the details, as well as precisely where the chronology is.

Present tense = shooting the gun. At the end, though? I have no idea where the timing ends.

Hope my comments help. Any questions, feel free to ask!

Ah ha! Ok...

Wondering if she actually left or died.

Cut the first, keep the second.

Definitely a great way to scene break/ grab reader's attention.

Already shown through the dialogue.

Excellent detail.

A reader can infer this. Saying it here feels a touch heavy-handed.

show might be a better word given (what I think) is the protagonist's age.

The italics are effective here.

What is this meant to infer?

So wait; how old is she?

"The beer can rolls across the dirt and I'm reminded" seems a bit more natural.

Excellent and natural connection. Backstory in an efficient way, as well.

Seems strange; a bitch in this context is describing inefficiency?

has moved

recoils

Character struggle. Very tense moment.

:

Given all of the unfinished gerunds and such, this sounds a bit strange for the character's lexicon.

TV

Important head space note: today is the day that changes or he intends to change it.

At this point, it's feeling a bit redundant describing his physical state. The amount of beer he has consumed has been nearly every other sentence.

,

Because it's in present tense, backpedaling to before they walk in the field is confusing. I would past tense this here.

How does she know this? By sound?

I would ass "we are" following this

Excellent sensory detail. Also, the only audio since they aren't speaking. Gradual tension makes for great beginnings.

1) In reading this assignment sequence, would you/the reader be able to design their own "graphic personal narrative" as it is presented?

2) Does the selection of images and diagrams assist you as a reader in defining the terms supplied by its author?

3) Is the presentation with sub-headers and assignment examples a good way to organize this paper?

4) Does the paper offer instructors enough background for them to understand and employ their own graphic personal narratives?

5) Should a technical walkthrough of Comic Life 3 or software be included?

Hi all. Here is a few questions to consider while you would go through this one. Apologies for the length; it was an academic assignment. Thanks in advance!

1) In reading this assignment sequence, would you/the reader be able to design their own "graphic personal narrative" as it is presented?

2) Does the selection of images and diagrams assist you as a reader in defining the terms supplied by its author?

3) Is the presentation with sub-headers and assignment examples a good way to organize this paper?

4) Does the paper offer instructors enough background for them to understand and employ their own graphic personal narratives?

5) Should a technical walkthrough of Comic Life 3 or software be included?

Hi Kim,

Thanks for sharing this one. Ok, a couple of thoughts.

1) Your cast is very well rounded out. I feel like I know these people after reading very little about them. The quirks, behaviors, etc. are all working in favor of that. Well done.

2) If I had to logline this one, it'd be: "As her first long-term romance, Katie daydreams about her boyfriend's death while coming to terms with her parents' divorce." Only trouble with this logline is: from start to finish, what is the final point as a reader I should arrive at. David's mini-speech ("you can't control everything") seems to be the departure point. Yet, they just leave it on an open argument. I don't feel like Katy has grown from this. Nothing has changed -- she's just as paranoid as ever.

3) Too many moments of domestic tranquility. If her parent's divorce is precipitating her fear of being alone/abandoned/her man being hurt, a few more pangs/threats would help maintain tension. As it stands, most of the domestic is incredibly pleasant.

I hope these comments have been helpful. If you'd want me to clarify any of these points, feel free to ask!

Mark

Seen a lot of jaw/teeth clenching

A bit preachy/heavy-handed.

Wouldn't the focus be on David's return?

Huge expo/backstory to back up what doesn't feel an incredibly difficult thing to believe.

Father already said these exact words.

For her age, this feels a strange emotion to harbor.

The set up for this call/actually answering was handled very well. The increasing paranoia, etc. It feels natural that she would pick up panicked. Well done!

This isn't needed - the prior bit shows this.

Has she always been this paranoid? Too dangerous to go to a bar, yet, she met David at a bar...

For the past several paragraphs, it has been "nice characters in nice land," perfect domestic tranquility. Why not have something go wrong? If everything goes perfect, why not summarize it?

In his head? Feels a POV switch.

This whole bit prior; lot of exposition within 3 paras of one another.

This feels shoehorned in to the piece. I might allow it to come out in conversation if it's necessary.

All in her head? Yeesh!

This whole passage is very effective. As a reader, I can see it perfectly.

Necessary?

This hasn't come out in the course of their relationship yet?

,

And now we are beginning to see the picture...

Not necessary.

At this point, I'm wondering which conflict needs/is intended for my consumption. This shifted gears very quick.

Not necessary. Reader can pick this up.

Great.

Feels liked a canned line to announce his profession. Maybe "I thought you were a pro," would be a little more natural to two people who already know this about each other.

Feels crammed in there. Could it come out more organically?

I am enveloped

The reader is truly treated to the narrator's headspace. Conflict present, yet, it unfolds at a paranoid pace, living the the potential threat of unrealized bad things. This has been very effective.

Involving the reader/the target 2nd runs the risk of invoking sympathy that may not have been earned yet. Yes, "you" can be just a figure of speech/the way people talk. But at this point I don't hold an opinion yet-- too new to the narrator -- and being called out seemed premature.

,

Thus saying something of what they may have shared before.

Well, he did just honk. Perhaps "man" because he loses the gentle!

Excellent way to get things started. POV in place, potential threat looming, interior headspace of protag. Very well done.

Interesting piece. So, uncertain if fiction/non-fiction, but here's an overall impression: 1) The gender and name of the protagonist should emerge much earlier in this story, preferably with some indication as to Samuel's reciprocal feelings toward her. 2) What exactly is at stake? At present, it's "some stories about following Samuel around." To be a self-contained story, it would need perhaps something a bit more time-dependent/something critical that will happen that the events lead up to. As is, it feels like clumped vignettes. 3) Your usual of visual, tactile, and smell in this piece are heroically good. Very seldom do I not know where the characters are standing, what they perceive the room/environment to be, etc. Also, the use of hyper-specific nouns and lists is great.

I enjoyed reading this piece, and if ever a chance affords, would love to hear the story behind it. Thanks for sharing, and I hope these comments are helpful.

?

Announcing this here removes all suspense.

Upon seeing a knife, would its legality strike the protag? Second, why would the guy abandon stealth and announce this?

This is good.

Does he?

At last!

Confident now that this is a female narrator.

First indication of any care from Samuel toward Protag.

used several times throughout story.

explicitly/implicitly build to cadence effect.

Wow...stakes and conflict lurk.

As in multiple times, or in the future continued to do so?

Great sentence, alliteration, and ring. Love it.

First indication of gender. Or is it...?

Doesn't know?/tense is confusing now.

This is too self-aware for a present tense POV.

It isn't? LOL

I am really wondering about the protag gender.

Don't summarize! We're in the moment. Show the fight!

rapped.

Ok, so wait...how and why would the protag cover the STD of Samuel?

Protag really does care...

Ouch.

Which is of present tense concern to the protagonist?

?

d

Our spring break/Sammy's and my spring break

The tacticle/smell of the piece is rendered great. Good work with this.

This is good. Moves along at a nice clip.

X2 this sentence.

All of this is awesome and vividly rendered. The reader can really see it.

How does this affect his balance?

Unlucky that the mirror was broken, or is the mirror itself unlucky by virtue of having been broken?

house/barn?

This was insinuated above with the ass savior bit.

At this point, I still do not know the gender, name, or even age of the protag.

Excellent. I'm here with the protag.

"Condemning sign?"

no longer existed

Naturally, I have to comment. First, great detail. Second, by capping "The Barn," you are building its presence and importance. This is well done.

I staggered on this one. In addition to using wild twice, this feels...off.

This sounds like he is literally guarding his ass. Might reword to "I'd been saving his ass," or "I was always watching out for his ass."

used

his

This is economical, places the reader right in the story, and says something of what's been happening. Good!

Although the intended effect sought (I think) is to show why THIS is the day/moment things change, having the narrator say there was wildness/fire/etc in his eyes feels a bit of a cop-out. This early in the story, shoot for those concrete specifics, actions that will imprint character in mind rather than inform the reader of one.

This story has set up a lot of stakes; characters, a troubled friendship (due to exigent circumstances), a home in trouble, and so much more. Why end it so quickly? The conflict hanging over the protagonist's head in returning to her angry grandmother is what I would like to see as a reader, maybe a moment of defiance from the narrator toward her. I think there is more that could be done here.

According to whom?

Lot of adverbs...

Some narrator reflection would be helpful. A bomb like this ignored could indicate a lot of things.