The only ways to improve the story are basic grammatical errors, They are fairly randomly dispersed, so just reading through the whole story slowly to fix all the errors would suffice. It seems like the major plot points of this draft were the same as the first draft. If anything major was changed, I did not recognize it. The first draft was already great, thus this draft did not need much added to it I feel. Really, the only changes needed are grammar errors. I really enjoy this story, and it can be really impressive when all the small errors are fixed.

add end quotation mark

I like this foreshadowing with Mason acting regretful for turning in the cousiders. I didn't catch it through the first read, but it is great

delete "the"

chess

takes

Mason is a cousider, but why would he not be taking the pill to change his eyes to the dull gray? Surely by having his blue eyes in view of the Commander during the ceremony would kill him right now in the story

will

Similar to first draft, I would think that each paragraph needs end punctuation. It does not look right to end someone's dialogue with no end mark

Could define the milishant earlier in the story when the term is first introduced

The ending of this draft is much more interesting than the last one so good job for that. Overall, I would like to see more emotion given to the characters. I did not realize this on the first read through, but reading the draft through again, the story comes off as lots of dialogue, but that dialogue has not much characterization. Gary and Harrison are given such few emotions, when throughout they could be shown to feel so many differing emotions. I can see that all the work for this second draft was placed on the ending; however, some work could be done throughout the story to add more descriptions. I like how The Council's power is fully shown now, and how they killed every person who was a part in the demonstrations. That is a believable ending and done well. In general, I very much do prefer the ending for this draft, but the plot twist with Michael was kind of forced. Highlight some subtle foreshadowing throughout his dialogue to maybe get Gary and Harrison questioning his true motives. Or, because this is written in 3rd person, add some descriptions of Michael's character earlier in the story to hint about his true intentions. Any characterization like that which shows motives is important for this story. The same motives-based characterization can still be applied to Gary and Harrison. I do not know exactly how to do that, but maybe think about trying to fix some of those things.

I like this new ending and plot twist, but it has minimal impact because Michael as a character was never described. His motives and intentions were not shared throughout, so the twist at the end is a little flat. Had he been a character that Harrison and Gary clearly loved throughout, then this moment could have been more shocking.

apart

Chance

Missed opportunity for Zayne to reprimand Gary for his language. That could be funny and is likely given his character

Fragment with no subject, could say "She is...

I feel like this is another example of a good time to add more emotions to characters like Gary. Make them feel something as the events unfold such that their motivations are more clearly defined. Like here, I would assume Gary is nervous that Zayne is there, but it is not stated.

Describing the setting of the meetings more would be interesting. Often times, there is not enough details are simply vague descriptions like here which can be added upon

It is hard to tell which character is talking here. I believe it is Gary when he says "Sandra said..." but it is ambiguous

No end quotation marks for the Council Leader

I feel like Gary is the type of character to feel left-out knowing that Simon just said there are secrets from him. Could add some emotional descriptions here for Gary

too many spaces

Make this consistent also. So change to "side-move"

I like "The Council" being capitalized. Previous times in the story it has not been, so just make it all consistent

I'm not the best with grammar, but having a comma following a mid-sentence question mark does not seem right. Could check on that

Maybe a bit redundant with the "shit" here but it is funny, I laughed at it. If that's the response you wanted to get out of readers then nice

Missing a verb here

The story does not seem to flow well after the first few parts. Harrison and Gary both clearly value individual expression and want to fight for it, but why exactly do they want to do that? Other members of the City do not care at all like Sandra, so characterize each member better to differentiate their motives better. Currently, it just seems that Gary and Harrison were almost arbitrarily chosen to be the ones who liked expression. Furthermore, the descriptions and imagery that made the story so compelling at the start was lost in the ending. All of the story is built up to lead to the big demonstration of color to fight the Council; however, the event itself is not described. I wish that it was a bigger part of the story and really a turning point. Currently, it feels like a very boring climax part, when it could be so compelling. I also do not understand the Council and their motives too well. Some backstory could be given as to why they value non-expression so much. The Director is so vague about his reasons. Also, to me, why would the Council just not end all demonstrations either violently or with more force? Their scope of power is never clearly stated so I suppose this may be the reason why it is not ended violently, but I cannot be sure. The elements of a good story are there with a nice start; however, the ending is not satisfactory. Perhaps with more time and thought, a more clear ending can wrap every event together more effectively. Overall, the imagery was the best part of the story towards the beginning. Add more of those detailed descriptions to the later parts, and this story will really shine. Try to in general, reassess each character's motives and intentions. Give them solid backstory and more development throughout.

Maybe describe this scene because of its importance. I loved the imagery from the first parts of the story. Incorporate that style into this ending piece here and stretch out the story a bit. Seems to almost abruptly end.

Just had to laugh at this. Funny characterization

Gary never really has his motivations clearly stated either. I guess he just wants society to change because he wants to live in a more fun world, but risking his family for that is pretty drastic. Maybe that's just who he is, but reconsider his motives

Numerous references to this time sixty years ago, but either I missed it or that time period was not explained well. Why was expression harmful then?

Sentence fragment because of no subject

Why would the Council not increase punishments to deter the demonstrations?

I foresee a big rebellion in next part. It has thus far been set up quite convincingly. Good work

What character motivation makes Sandra respect the system?

I like the character of the old man. Ominous like he is a government official or maybe the head of the Council. Makes me invested to read more

What specifically changed in Gary to make him show the bracelet? I assume it is because Harrison was not punished for his action but maybe tell that explicitly

I like the idea of people wanting to rebel and introduce freedom and color into society. I feel like Gary has been foreshadowed to maybe join Harrison later which is engaging

This should say Harrison right? Simon does not seem to be in this scene

Why is Harrison motivated to defy The City? Present some more backstory or motivations for him maybe

The bracelet symbolizes the community that meets outside the City. But why particularly this design of red and yellow?

What makes the City structured the way that it is? Like what caused the inside to be so artificial and colorless. Maybe present that earlier in story

Guess change this to 12:00am because of what Sandra says

Not knowing where Harrison is after he told Gary about the secret society makes that meeting seem more intriguing. I like it

I like the mystery presented by this idea of the clay on the shoes.

The story was quite coherent throughout with a good ending. I thought the foreshadowing of Lisa's character was very smart because it allowed me to understand the plot easier. I feel that each character's motivations were clear and characterized in creative ways. There really is not much that I can say to make the story more coherent. It had a clear beginning with Lisa and her motives, a middle part where the plot shifted and she became a cousider, and an ending where she discovers the world above her. I feel that is quite a cohesive story that should be applauded. One note to make the story easier to read is provide spaces between each paragraph. I know when I was trying to post my story on Scalar it was really annoying and did not keep my paragraphs the same.Copying and pasting from a Google Doc formatted it better than pasting from a Word document. Also, just make sure to fix those grammatical errors, especially with regards to the paragraphs that have no end punctuation. With a few simple fixes, this story seems about finished to me. I would consider it very well thought through and crafted well with excellent descriptions of action and scenery.

Engaging plot twist. The detail from last chapter made me believe Lisa was dead, but then she is not. Nice

I like the backstory for why Mason gave the location of rebels. Very believable

From the emotional descriptions, i am beginning to think that Lisa has disease. Otherwise she would not care about what job she gets and what Mason thinks of her. Great foreshadowing

Seems like a very classic example of corporations and government lying to their citizens. I love it

I wonder why the commander would have his office in the processing center. Seems a bit weird, maybe explain that more

Just curious why the processing center for mining would be so lavish. But then again, maybe that's the point

Delete that quote mark

This plot development sets up the rest of the story nicely. So far, I have really enjoyed this.

I like the conflict between Linda's job and her identity as a cousider, creates good tension

You never mentioned that main character was leaving after staring in mirror, confused me for a bit when she starts to "move past..."

Just some grammar errors to fix

The action scenes are thus far pictured in great detail, helps to keep me engaged as reader, nice work

I like this mantra. Reminds me of the manifesto assignment, does a great job to describe the setting of story

Just another example of not punctuating dialogue correctly. You may want to go through and review all your dialogue so ensure each paragraph has appropriate punctuation

Paragraphs cannot end in commas, a period would work

I am not sure what these people are, could use an explanation here

Creative idea, reminds me of The Giver,

I feel like this is not a great way to start a new idea. Almost shifts the tone to 2nd person, should keep to 1st person. Maybe just start with "I live..."

I like how you described the simple act of turning off an alarm. More engaging than saying "turned off alarm"