ah, this takes away from the finality of your point!

no comma

Putting this at the end I believe is what they call "burying the lede"...Start with this surprising, intriguing fact/statement and your reader will 1. view you as more of an expert on this topic and 2. want to keep reading to find out more.

You started your opening paragraph this way as well. Is that intentional?

great point here.

need "who" in here

Switching between "I" and "you" in this paragraph is confusing

Watch starting multiple sentences this way

nice use of popular parlance

this phrase placed here describes the camera but I don't think that's what you're going for.

typo

Nice use of humor, showing your personality.

typo

for grammar this should be "for" --the core elements are "benefits for professionals"

I'd suggest linking to some kind of source in this paragraph so a reader could click out and learn more about that story. (Also, isn't there more to it -- I think she received many job offers after it went public that she had been fired)

plural possessive

awk

I'd call it an op-ed. Also, include the author's name so you can refer to them when refuting.

Nice short declarative sentence whereby to stake your claim.

claims?

argues for?

argues for?

Well these are certainly some interesting thinkers to bring in.

what do you mean by this?

need a comma in here somewhere

you could even put this in quotes if you want to emphasize the way it's become a term

Interesting. I think it might benefit your piece if you started with this paragraph, so you can get to this unexpected statement sooner.

key sentence.

can you be more specific?

Nice use of a rhetorical question.

This is a great source, as it's really interesting to look at what the platforms themselves are saying.

interesting -- do you think this could be your argument? that we need coping mechanisms for social media?

punctuation

You don't need to use these kinds of parenthetical citations if you use links in the text

paragraph doesn't follow through on this

this is fascinating. Do you go through this process for most of your Instagram posts?

wow

You can condense these into one sentence

This is a great example. Why not open with it as an anecdote?

Typo

Great, glad you're using this.

Is this repetitive, or are you talking about two different things here? In this sentence where you're staking your position, it's best to get to the point as simply as possible.

need comma

plural possessive

need comma

Is it shame that keeps us from deleting our accounts?

typo

This sentence would be stronger -- and better convey your point -- without these two phrases.

Do you mean "I'd" ?

semicolon

So, extended all-caps have been proved more difficult for people to read, because we read largely by shapes of letters in the sentence case. Suggest either shortening this quote so it's a smaller amount of all-caps text (and perhaps make it a larger font, too), or putting in sentence case (and still maybe make it large). Sentence case = first letter of the sentence is cap, nothing else.

Where you're going here is good, but you should introduce Lindy West and give a bit of context for the quotes before using the quotes or referring to her by last name only. (Do the same for MacMillan -- until I read your biblio, I thought you were referencing the publisher.) Also, it seems like this area would benefit from some kind of specific support regarding the negativity on Twitter -- some kind of study?

be careful of absolutes, unless you can back them up

typo

Phrasing is confusing in this last sentence.

typo

possessive

This opening structure, landing here on a sentence listing the multitude of accounts you now have, is just great. Very strong.

need a more solid punctuation here

either cut comma or cut "that"

Is it discounted? I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

As a reader, my question here is how did they overcome all of these regulations / the things that took them down in the first place?

This paragraph is vague.

Seems like a great source. Suggest active construction to strengthen phrasing.

no apostrophe

I wonder if you might make these "people do this" statements a bit more specific -- such as "large groups of people" (just a little better) or "over 3,000 people follow an Instagram account..." (much more specific)

what about the 90s?

Because you're using movement as a collective noun here, use a singular verb

Interesting.

I'd suggest moving this to the front of the previous paragraph to better connect the hashtag statement and the "it's no surprise" statement.

confusing phrasing

This seems like a less effective sentence to hold its own paragraph. Why is this standing alone? (Sets up reader for a different piece)

This is a nice use of a one-line paragraph. Introduces a key point.

It seems like you have three different ways of getting at the same opening here.

While this sentence is strong, this paragraph may be the weakest, because it's difficult to see how it is connected in the larger flow of information and points.

both "it" and "that" in this sentence make it a vague one

This isn't where I was expecting your piece to end up, and it was the best kind of surprise, one that causes my mind to twist around and think about the whole thing again. As much as I love the word "perhaps," I wonder if you want to eliminate it here in favor of taking a stronger stance.

wow, this is interesting.

I'm following your argument here, but you need to support this statement with specific information/examples.

Nice turn.

This phrasing is a bit confusing -- to me, "continues" reads like this "The child continues to demonstrate worrisome behavior"

suggest putting this in quotes because you're using it in a slang way, not the actual verb definition

complement

Starting a paragraph with a short question like this (also starting the question with "but") is a great move to keep your reader engaged.

typo

you might want to say "useful" here

confusing

are we filtered or is the information filtered? (or both?)

this is something you could definitely make more specific following all of the current discussions regarding data privacy, facebook, and google. http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/28/all-the-data-facebook-google-has-on-you-privacy

fragment

sp

affect

The first time you introduce an author use a bit of context for who they are and their full name. Afterwards you can use just their last name.

are you talking about people here or social platforms?

?

what is "this"?

I think part of the reason the election happened the way it did is because these filter bubbles definitely existed before it. Might also alter phrasing here to help make it clear that people don't knowingly create this bubble for themselves.

This seems like an understatement.

two different incomplete phrases here

affect

nice simple explanation.

I think you can do this in one sentence to bring your reader into the piece more quickly.

awk phrasing

Good.

a lot of negatives (is it a triple negative?) in this sentence, making it hard to wrap one's head around

Introduce the author by full name and with a bit of context before referring to them simply by last name.

Would you want to introduce this by pointing out that it's not what we'd expect, after the above info? (Just acknowledging the "twist")

These are both clear, strong sentences.

There's more to the story in this case, though, isn't there? Didn't she get something like hundreds of job offers after the news of her firing came out?

If you can use specific info it will sound more credible and be more engaging for a reader

employees'—and potential employees'—personal lives (emphasis on job searching, also plural possessive)

passive construction / distant -- to be tackled by who?

This will read more naturally if you can turn it into a contextual quotation, e.g. "Simon Francis University researcher S. Lang has found..."

This closing sentence feels soft after all of the strong points you've made. It could be the vagueness or passive construction of "something has to be done" or the sentence structure in general.

Did not know.

Can you link this sentence to the one above?

Wow. Maybe explain this a bit.

Is it only after overexposure?

1. Isn't it just after/during normal exposure?
2. And isn't it an IRL human trait to compare (I'm not a psychologist but I think I've heard or read this)

This is a very powerful personal example and brings vividity and credibility to your piece.

I think the preposition usually used with "pored" is "over"

I'd suggest an em-dash here to better separate your commentary from the paraphrasing of research. Also, they add impact and this seems like a place it might be useful.

use consistent POV

Yes! This is a great quote.

Consider the ordering of these three paragraphs below the photograph. I think they might work better to pull a reader through in a different order. In this case, nice use of a one-sentence paragraph.

This is a shift in voice -- is this your phrase? Might this be a place to use your own voice to point to, and then quote, someone else?

Readers like a writer who show a bit of vulnerability.

Your sentiment here is right on as an opener, but can you do it in a shorter sentence?

I don't understand this phrasing.

This is another opinion.

word choice

Thinking about this sentence alongside your "thesis sentence" in the first paragraph -- I wonder if you were to use this lifestyle over product focus, it might give your op-ed more of a punch.

Syntax

I don't think you need this word.

What do you mean?

Yes, and for decades, right?

This is a great in-text citation; would also be a place to include a link to the TapInfluence source.

In this sentence, it seems you'd want to make the connection to social media becoming an integrated aspect of...whatever an ad would promote (I hesitate to say consumerism, because ads don't just promote things to buy)

Nice short opening sentence; strong.

avoid absolutes

The idea in this paragraph is an interesting one, and you do a nice job explaining Swig's idea, but it feels like a departure from the argument we've been reading. I can see how it relates to your overall idea, but you need to connect it to the rest of the text so that the reader understands why it's there. Introductions can do some of this setting-up work, and so can transitions.

Yes, this is what I was talking about in my note in the 3rd paragraph -- how can you connect these?

Oh, yes. This is such an awkward experience and probably pretty universal. Suggest making it more vivid by spending another sentence or so on description.

This seems like a significant point you're making -- that perhaps it's not that the social media connections are bad, but they allow us to "opt-out" of real-world connections -- this is a bit more nuanced than the other points you've made so far.

Nice use of a rhetorical question.

I think you'd have to put this in quotations

What are you wanting to get at with this phrase?

There's something here about actual addiction, or at least psychological dependency, isn't there? Is it as simple as caring enough?

this is a good example but a misplaced prepositional phrase is making it confusing -- "in Colorado" can't follow "over the Middle East stations," because then it sounds like those stations are in Colorado. When this happens, you have to either find another place to insert the prepositional phrase or reorder the sentence to avoid the issue altogether.

These should be in-text links per the assignment

You start with two "we ..." statements, which seem like they could both be opening sentences ("hooks"), but together feel like you're spinning wheels a bit trying to get into the piece. Of the two, I think the second one is more specific and likely to draw a reader in.