176 Matching Annotations
  1. Feb 2021
    1. A gender binary that imagineswomen and men as distinct and with unequalaccess to power requires heterosexuality, and theheterosexual family in particular.

      This goes back to our discussion on Tuesday about the dangers of perputating these gender sterotypes and how they the hurt it can have go beyond just the individual.

    2. The Trump administration inturn reflected these concerns, seeking to ban trans-gender individuals from serving in the military,failing to acknowledge Pride month, nominatingfederal judges with anti-LGBT records, and sup-porting religious freedom claims that allow forChristians to discriminate based on perceived sex-ual orientation.

      The Trump administration reversed a lot of policies that advanced this country in terms of accepting the LGBTQ+ community. B/c he was the president, I often think about how hatred to various vulnerable communities was normalized by him and at times, even encouraged.

    3. Ishow how defending the heteropatriarchal familyprovides valorized gendered identities for their par-ticipants along with a moral justification for preju-dice, particularly through a discourse of defendingwomen and children from feminism and queerness.

      This seems to be the main idea/argument for this article.

    Annotators

  2. Apr 2019
  3. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. After a critical examination of  recent statistics and expert opinions like those of the Georgetown University Law Center, Dr. John Zibbel, Dr. Matthew Gladden, Dr. Nora D. Volkow, Dr. Francis S. Collins, the American Physical Therapy Association, and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, it becomes apparent that to a large extent multiple options exists which could aid in the amelioration of an outbreak of this magnitude, including: an increase in alternative options for treating chronic pain, more effective treatments for those already addicted and regulations on opioid prescriptions.

      You have some really good ideas in this essay. First, I would delete all the copy and pasted sections of your essay and reword everything. This way it flows better in the grand scheme of things. Second, I would be careful with word choice and not use the same word over and over again. Third, I would cite your sources and back up all the claims you make. You have to back up your claims or your essay is pointless. Fourth, make your introduction more clear and straight to the point what you're arguing. I would also be careful with the words you choose. Make sure that your essay is accessible and that readers who do not have a medical background understand it. Also, make sure to proofread your essay (maybe read it out loud) before you turn your final draft in to ensure there are no errors in terms of spelling and grammar.

    2. [people with marijuana use disorder]often report irritability, mood and sleep difficulties, decreased appetite, cravings, restlessness, and/or various forms of physical discomfort that peak within the first week after quitting and last up to 2 weeks,”(drugabuse.gov). This behavior is typically only exhibited in extreme cases however.

      Is it necessary to add this?

    3. The FDA has approved non opioid medications for treatment of various chronic-pain syndromes, including gabapentin (Neurontin), pregabalin (Lyrica), milnacipran (Savella), duloxetine (Cymbalta), and others, and a number of promising development programs are in the pipeline,”(The New England Journal of Medicine).

      Has this proven to help or work? Once again, I feel as though you should find evidence of this working or helping. Oftentiems, opiods are the only thing that can help patients.

    4. Naloxone is a medication designed to rapidly reverse opioid overdose. It is an opioid antagonist—meaning that it binds to opioid receptors and can reverse and block the effects of other opioids. It can very quickly restore normal respiration to a person whose breathing has slowed or stopped as a result of overdosing with heroin or prescription opioid pain medications.(drugabuse.org)

      Once again, you should not be copying and pasting whole sections into your essay.

    5. Based on this information, enhanced doctor and patient education is one legitimate way in which the opioid crisis can be improved. Such an education could prevent patients from having unrealistic post operative expectations which feed into the crisis, while for doctors, this education would encourage the usage of available non-narcotic treatments. An increase in restrictions regarding prescribing opioids is another legitimate way in which this the state of this crisis can be removed. These restrictions could possibly help to standardize the prescription process and reserve opiates for the appropriate extreme pain management situations. Restrictions and increased patient doctor education do not represent the only legitimate options to ameliorate this crisis.

      You need to back up your claims with evidence here.

    6. Such an education could prevent patients from having unrealistic post operative expectations which feed into the crisis, while for doctors, this education would encourage the usage of available non-narcotic treatments.

      Has this been proven to help? Cite this.

    7. The trend to overprescribe opioids is based on an experiential “that’s how I like to do it” model passed along from generation to generation of trainees. This dogma was solidified by a 1980 New England Journal of Medicine letter, long since discredited, which stated that only 1% of people become addicted to narcotic pain medication. Aggressive advertising of opioids, including direct-to-consumer marketing, quickly ensued.10 Another iatrogenic factor driving opioid overprescribing is the notion that pain is the fifth vital sign of medicine. This concept became dominant in the mid-1990s, and its measurement became an indicator of patient satisfaction and hospital performance in the mid-2000s … In the past, we surgeons were taught that opioids were not addictive. But today, medical science has taught us that the opposite is true. In fact, one in 16 surgery patients becomes a chronic opioid user. After chronic pain specialists, surgeons have the highest rate of opioid prescribing in the US, and recent data show that 70-80% of prescribed opioids go unused by patients after common surgical procedures. This can lead to stockpiling and use for non-prescribed indications by the patient or others,”(The British Medical Journal).  

      You shouldn't just be copying and pasting sections of journals in this essay. Reword this so it flows correctly in your essay.

    8. One of these ways, shifting the attitude regarding the nature of prescriptions and expectations of postoperative pain levels, can play a major role in limiting this crisi

      What does this exactly mean? Cite your sources.

    9. As evinced by the research from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, such a wide range in the prescriptionary practices of different doctors nationwide only spells disaster for patients on both sides of the spectrum and also highlights a lack of accountability in these prescriptionary practices.

      The part that you picked out is confusing to a reader who may not understand some medical terms. If you reword this part, you won't run into this issue.

    10. Using 2016 US Medicare data, our Johns Hopkins team analysed the average number of opioids a doctor prescribes after a routine laparoscopic cholecystectomy, excluding patients with pre-existing opioid use or pain syndromes. Doctors’ prescribing patterns ranged from 0 to over 50 (fig 1), with only about a fifth averaging what Johns Hopkins pain specialists call the best practice range (≤10 tablets).We have replicated the analysis for many common procedures in medicine, including operations that can be managed with non-opioid alternatives alone. Consistent with current literature, the physician distribution graphs keep showing wide variation in opioid prescribing. Physicians who are outside of the data boundaries of reasonable variation for standardised procedures as set by our hospitals pain specialists are easily identifiable. (Makary, Overton and Wang)

      Instead of citing this whole thing, you can reword the key findings of this study. Make sure that your essay stays in 3rd person.

    11. Over prescription here refers to the practice of misprescribing addictive opiates to patients in place of non-addictive treatments as well as with prescribing much larger dosage sizes than necessary for the typical patient

      Why does this matter? Cite this. Go more in depth about how this affects the opoid crisis.

    12. One of the key factors helping to generate this opioid crisis is over prescription.

      You go from talking about "progress" and then you talk about key factors that have played a role in the opiod crisis. It's confusing where this paragraph is going. I would suggest outlining all your points to avoid this issue.

    13. n spite of staggering numbers like these, effective efforts to counteract this growing issue have been few and far between, however, multiple paths towards progress exist.

      Run-on sentence. It's confusign what you're trying to argue here because the latter part of your sentence contradicts the first part. Make sure you're citing information that you have gathered.

    14. it becomes apparent that legitimate options to ameliorate an outbreak of this magnitude do exist, including: an increase in alternative options for treating chronic pain, more effective treatments for those already addicted and regulations on opioid prescriptions.

      Cite this. In your introductory paragraph, it's important to set the scene for your reader. In this paragraph, it's confusing what claim you're trying to argue and how this relates to disadvantage/privilege. Make sure to cite your sources and read over your sentences as some of the senteces can get wordy and tricky to understand.

    15. eorgetown University Law Center, Dr. John Zibbel, Dr. Matthew Gladden, Dr. Nora D. Volkow, Dr. Francis S. Collins, the American Physical Therapy Association, and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services,

      Is it necessary to list all of these places?

    16. to what extent do legitimate options to ameliorate this issue exist?

      This sentence is confusing. What are you trying to ask? Try not to use rhetorical questions in your formal essays. Instead, answer the question yourself.

    17. Since the discovery of morphine in the early nineteenth century, opioids have represented a growing cause for concern in United States society.

      There's a lack of transition here from the introductory sentence to this.

    18. “Drug overdoses claimed the lives of nearly 64,000 Americans in 2016. Nearly two-thirds of these deaths (66%) involved a prescription or illicit opioid,”(CDC.org)

      Is this a quote? If not, there are no need for quotation marks here.

    1. So, Kaepernick’s protest is a peaceful approach to changing the structure in our society and government.

      You have a pretty good start here. However, for the second draft, it's cruical that you remove all words that indicate 1st person. Make sure to do more research about this incident, I feel as though you only scratched the surface with this. There are some good points you make in this essay but your argument becomes lost in this. You have to make an argument and make sure to reference it in each paragraph. If your argument is that Kapernick's actions are justified, don't jsut say it. Show why it is justified. Bring out statistics. Do the research. I would suggest using an outline and laying out your points as to why he is justifed in kneeling. If you are going to mention the counterpoints, make sure to explain why that argument is invalid. You want to refute the counterpoints.

    2. We believe in the right to Life; the right to Liberty; and the right to pursue our own happiness. We also believe that if the government fails to protect the rights of its people that the people have the right to change the government.

      Where's the end quotation? Avoid using "we". What does the government fail to protect? Who do they fail to protect? Explain why this issue even matters in the first place. Your conclusion should tie in the bigger picture.

    3. oming from a military household, I have my own resources to consult when deciding if kneeling for the flag was disrespectful. My uncle told me when standing up for injustice and exercising the rights given by the constitution, is the most patriotic thing you can do as an American.  

      Delete this. This is random and we want to avoid using 1st person in this essay. Instead, you can probably find some examples of people being discontent with his actions. Also, you need to refine your argument more. Tell the readers why this point doesn't work (esp if you're trying to persuade them of Kapernick's action)

    4. This statement tells everyone what the protest is and tells them what it is not representing.

      Okay, and what? make sure you're always providing your thoughts/analysis after giving a quote. Don't use first person.

    5. who say kneeling shows disrespect towards the flag and the military.

      It seems a bit early in your essay to be talking about the opposing view. Talk about your point more. Why does it matter that he knelt? Who was he standing up for? What was his message? Why did people care? What backlash does he recieve? These are all cruical parts of your story and by glossing over them, you do not paint a full picture for your reader.

    6. Santa Clara police started discussion about boycotting the service of security for Colin Kaepernick.

      Cite your sources and tie it back to this paragraph. This seems a bit random.

    7. Many Americans thought that the popularity of this incident would not only create division between the people, but it would also show other countries that same divisio

      Why do we care about other countries? What division?

    8. He had a platform to speak for those who didn’t have a voice. He brought people together from other races, religion, and sports

      The transition to this is really confusing. You go from talking about Kaepernick being a strong influence but you never explain why.

    9. makes people pay attention and preserves the topic, which doesn’t let it slip through the cracks of our pop culture.

      Why does it make people pay attention? Make sure to do some more research and cite your sources.

    10. Boyer wrote an open letter to Kaepernick after learning of his protest, and the two agreed that kneeling would be a way to present Kaepernick’s message without disrespecting the armed forces or the flag. 

      Cite your sources. Try to relate it back to your thesis.

    11. Kaepernick initially sat during the anthem when he first started the protest, but switched to kneeling after speaking with former Army Green Beret and NFL long snapper Nate Boyer.

      So what?

    12. After several more killings and extensive protests, the country had no other choice but to stop turning the other way.

      This is more of an opinated statement. Either cite your sources or back your claim up

    13. This added onto the fire that began with the previous killing of another black teenager, Trayvon Martin, who was shot two years prior by neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman.

      You can't just say this and expect the reader to know what you mean. Go in depth about this. This is a key fact to your essay.

    14. To analyze what the protest were really for, we must look at what ignited the flame.

      I think you could rearrange the way you state this. "Kneeling for the National Anthem stems from _"

    15. here are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”  This quote was taken from NFL Quarterback and activist, Colin Kaepernick the day he started his protest of the national anthem.

      The way you anaylze the quotes seems very elementary. Instead, use a transtion phrase from the first sentence. You can even start with this quote for your essay. Instead of just leaving the quote by itself as a sentence, talk about it more. For example "__(quote goes there), Colin Kaepernick emphasizes that __

    16. hese actions can be placed on you solely because they don’t live the same life as you.

      I would try to fix the wording of this sentence. I know what you mean but the way you worded this sentence makes it incomplete. Try to avoid using "you" in this essay as well. You could try a sentence like "__ are watched constantly by __ because"

    17. Imagine having to live in a world where you feel a pair of eyes on you no matter where you go. Imagine having your head on a swivel every step you take because in a matter of seconds someone can make a decision that can end your life.

      This is a nice concept, but I don't agree with this being the start of your essay. This is a formal essay, and the sentences here are too informal.

  4. Mar 2019
  5. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. The Georgetown University Center for Education and the Workforce reports that enrollment in the 468 best-funded and most selective four-year institutions is 77 percent white. Enrollment at the 3,250 lowest-funded community colleges and four-year universities is 43% black and Hispanic (Marcus, 2018).

      So what? How does this connect back to your paragraph?

    2. The entire system of college and university admissions perpetuates racism and classism, and the race-neutral admissions that is supported by both the George W. Bush administration and the Trump administration does not address the repercussions of segregation during the 1900’s in the United States.

      Overall, you make some really good points in this essay. However, there needs to be more transitions into your paragraphs. In your introduction, I would try to be more general and talk about what you're going to talk about in the essay. The comment about Trump seems very random and is confusing. Not only that, I would make sure that if you make a claim, to make sure you cite it. I would suggest talking about the stats that you give and the impact it has. I think you could go more into detail with this topic, it seems like you've only scratched the surface. There is a lot more that ties into being a low-income student.

    3. Minority students have limited access to college preparatory materials in comparison to their white peers, meaning the systems they are under designate them to fail or succeed at a lesser level. They are institutionally suppressed from their own potential and intellect.

      You're glossing over a very important point here. Talk more about this. Do more research about how benig low income affects college students.

    4. Larger and larger proportions of nonwhite students go to the least selective institutions with the fewest resources.

      I think you could talk more about the problems with legacy admissions and how as a whole, that affects the college community. This would be a good place to talk about socioeconomic backgorund

    5. These methods of comparison, however, are designed to perpetuate racism and place minority students in a disadvantaged position.

      This paragraph isn't as strong as your last paragraph as it lacks sufficient evidence and connect to your overall theme.

    6. This gap is contributed to segregation in the mid 1900’s, when black families were gentrified and forced to leave their communities for lower socioeconomic, more affordable housing.

      I think this sentence better fits earlier in your paragraph when talking about the gap

    7. These schools have fewer resources, lacking college entrance exam tutors and preparation programs. Historically white high schools, with established funding and assets, reportedly produce higher ACT scores. The national 2012 ACT score average is 21.1 out of 36, but underrepresented groups including black students, latinx students, and native americans averaged scores of 17, 18.9, and 18.4 respectively

      I think you should analyze this fact more and explain why this is so. How does it affect Black students?

    8. In 1954, the overturning of Plessy v. Ferguson occurred with the ruling of Brown v Board of Education, which declared that separate facilities are inherently unequal and called for the desegregation of public schools.

      Cite.

    9. On July 3rd, 2018, the Trump administration announced their plan to revoke Obama-era policies which encouraged the consideration of race in college admissions. Race-blind admissions, however, do not address the engrained disadvantage that minority students face when trying to attend highly selective universities (Green, 2018).

      This is kind of confusing. I think you glossed over this a little bit. It's confusing why this is added in and why the Trump administration shouldn't have revoked it.

    10. heavily incorporating socioeconomic discrimination as well.

      I think by just adding this at the end of the sentence minimizes the importance of socioeconomic discrimination. Maybe try to add "These methods have discriminated students from _." Also, be sure to cite this.

    11. The college admissions process can be very exciting for high school students.

      I would try to start off this essay with another topic sentence. This is also an opinon and I would try to reword this sentence so it seems less about what you think.

    1. This is a battle that seems to be far more complex and difficult than initially considered.

      Overall, there are some good points that are made in this essay. For the second draft, I would figure out the point that you're trying to make, find the evidence that support the claim, and try to connect it back to Clint Smith's book. I think this essay summarizes a lot about what you read but doesn't go any further into detail. For this assignment, we had to make an argument and there was no argument made here. I would also suggest outlining the points that you're trying to make so you don't run into paragraphs that don't connect back to your argument.

    2. While direct political action like participation in voting may decline with a disenfranchised group, indirect political engagement (indirect meaning it happens outside of the mechanisms of the state) may increase. This includes protests as a form of political engagement. Contact with violence from the state may encourage these forms of political expression, that are seen as ‘anti-establishment’

      This is just not related to what you were talking about. You started talking about protests, then moved to police brutality and now you're talking aboit politcal engagement. Where is the connecting point in all of this?

    3. also considered how protests, as a form of political expression – with the idea of encouraging concrete change that betters the conditions of those oppressed – changes when faced with the power of the state (which is initially sparking the protest)

      This sentence is confusing, I don't get it. You are making claims without evidence here.

    4. Williamson’s study shows that police violence against black people encourages more protests. Her analysis of the data set shows that Black Lives Matter protests were more common in cities that experienced at least one death from police violence in the years considered (“protests occurred in 9% of cities without a death, but in 24% of cities with at least one death”). This pattern was even more pronounced when looking at specifically Black victims of police violence – and even more, pronounced when looking at specifically unarmed Black victims. The data shows that 44% of cities with at least one Black death, and 60% of cities with at least one unarmed Black death experienced Black Lives Matter protests (Williamson et al., 2018).

      Why does any of this matter? How does it correlate to the rest of your essay? What point are you trying to make by including this in your essay?

    5. institutional systems of power interact with social movements of people trying to make an impact and liberate themselves.

      This is a run-on sentence and the point you're trying to make gets lost with the catch phrases you're using here.

    6. How the state responds to Black Lives Matter protests, and protests that reckon with state violence

      How does the state respond? Feel as though you need to explain this before making such a claim.

    7. Bibliography

      There isn't a specific argument that is made in this essay. Instead, you summarize the points that the articles made along with Clint Smith's poem. I think a better way to approach this essay would be to make an argument about police brutality and use Clint Smith's poem to back your argument up.

    8. , as the carceral state and the police force exists with the purpose of maintaining and reinforcing the oppression of black people.

      This is a very powerful statement, so I would like if you went further into detail about this.

    9. grieving are more likely to have higher rates of protest about a certain event, especially police brutality where the public can point to a specific actor – or many: police force, the state – to blame for events that have caused concern.

      Why does it make sense? So what? Why does this matter?

    10. First, this feels to not be that controversial. It makes sense that a community where members are grieving are more likely to have higher rates of protest about a certain event, especially police brutality where the public can point to a specific actor – or many: police force, the state – to blame for events that have caused concern. However, looking at black lives matter protests, and police brutality against black people (especially unarmed black people) proves to be more complex, as the carceral state and the police force exists with the purpose of maintaining and reinforcing the oppression of black people.

      From your topic sentence, I thought that you would go into detail about why police volience and protest activity is problematic. I would change your topic sentence to make it more relevant to what you talk about here.

    11. How does the oppression of Black people through police violence and the carceral state impact protests like BLM and how successful they are as a method of political engagement?

      Instead of asking rhetorical questions, answer these questions and use this as a way to start the paragraph.

      Also, how is this paragraph connected to Clint Smith's paragraph? I feel that a transtional sentence here would be benefical.

    12. is both so emotionless, (being a way to disappear a cardboard box) but also, so terribly emotional.

      I understand what you're saying here but I think you can adjust the wording so that this sentence isn't contradicting.

    13. between occurrences of police violence (the death of Trayvon Marin and others mentioned) and mobilization and protests (Black Lives Matter protests).

      What happened? I think it's important to go into detail with what police brutality is, especially the way that young Black men experience it in America today.

    14. In this, Smith points to sociological literature that considers the way that state violence, in the form of police brutality and the carceral state work to oppress Black people, in which they are more likely to be shot and killed by police, and more likely to be imprisoned (Lopez, 2016).

      This is a run-on sentence. There are really good points here, but to make it more powerful, break the sentence up and be more specific.

    15. Clint Smith’s Counting Descent is a collection of poems that provide an account of his Black Experience.

      There has to be a way that you can draw the audience in with a more powerful topic sentence.

    16. In this tone, it took me a few times reading through the poem to understand that the purpose of the box was being used as signs for protesting police brutality. I

      Avoid using first person for this paper.

  6. Feb 2019
    1. Nutritional meals, methadone maintenance therapy, trained medical staff, and emergency procedures must be developed and available to every pregnant incarcerated woman.

      This was an overall really great second draft. My biggest suggestions would be to add some more transitional sentences and analyze the facts more. Instead of just giving basic stats, you could talk about why these numbers mean and by giving it context, readers will understand just how dire the situation is. Not only that, stories are a great way to evoke emotions so you could try to find some specific examples of women in prison.

    2. During labor, many mothers are still handcuffed to the bed, which also restricts them from reaching their newborn infant and properly holding them following labor, limiting the development of the mother-child bond. T

      This should go right after the sentence where you talk about the policies in place.

    3. There are policies in place that any person leaving a prison should be shackled, which involves handcuffs, leg irons, and a waist chain complete with a “black box,” which draws the handcuffs close to the stomach, making it impossible for the inmate to prevent a fall.

      This could be a new paragraph. Kinda confusing how the story connects to this fact.

    4. necessary nutrition or care for a successful pregnancy while they are in prison

      This sentence kind of comes out of no where. There isn't a connection between the opiod addiction and food.

    5. isk of falling is very stressful

      Your paper would be more powerful if you were able to find a concrete example of something happening to a woman in the facilities. Even statistics would help back up your points.

    6. pregnant women must be served the same food as other prisoners.

      So what? Why is this important/unfair? You have good points here but I think you can expand on how the lack of a healthy diet impacts pregnant women. Give more analysis.

    7. rison meals, however, often lack the elements of a healthy diet, putting pregnant mothers at risk of being malnourished.

      I feel as though your topic sentence doesn't connect with what you talk about in this paragraph. You specifically talk about only food here but you talk about a multitude of other things in your topic sentence.

    8. Prenatal screening tests, special diets, drug rehabilitation when necessary, a prohibition of shackling during labor and delivery, continual access to newborns for mothers after delivery, and breastfeeding support are included in standards outlined by the American Public Health Association (APHA), the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), and the National Commission on Correctional Health Care (NCCHC) (Kelsey, Medel, Mullins, Dallaire, & Forestell, 2017).

      This sentence kind of comes out of nowhere. I feel as though you need to add some sentences between your introduction and this paragraph. Why does this matter? How does this connect with your last sentence?

    9. lack of pregnancy testing and reporting across facilities (

      I think you could make a connection here, with a transitional sentence about the lack of pregnancy testing and the intake of pregnant woman. It's kinda confusing how these two ideas connect.

    10. From 1980 to 2010, the number of incarcerated women in the United States increased by 646% (Kelsey, Medel, Mullins, Dallaire, & Forestell, 2017). According to the World Prison Brief, 212,000 female prisoners are currently incarcerated in the United States, 6 to 10% of which are pregnant at intake.

      I think there could be a better way for you to start this essay and tie all the statistics together. Maybe use a quote? I just think that all this information came at my face out of nowhere.

  7. Jan 2019
    1. There needs to be more attention in curing the issue beginning with the children.

      Overall, this is a really good start with a lot of great information. With the addition of transition sentences, some more details about zero tolerance policys, the school to prision pipeline and some sentences tying it all together, I think you will have a really complete paper. I also think it's important to explore the differences of Black and Brown boys and Black and Brown girls in your paper (or don't talk about them separately) because it feels as though you could be more specific with one category than trying to do both. Overall, great job!.

    2. A school is supposed to be seen as a safe space, but many girls are afraid to step foot on the property because of these disgusting deeds.          

      What's the significance of the Black women experience here? I think you can dive deeper into why these experiences need to be talked about and what it means to be a Black woman.

    3. It is unfair that these children are at a disadvantage because of institutionalized racism instilled in this country.

      If you are considering to talk about Black girls, I would suggest adding a little bit more information about these girls and why it's so necessary to talk about them. It feels as if you're rushing over this topic.

    4.  The policing of Black girls has been an ongoing issue that occurs inside and outside of the classroom setting. Black girls are stigmatized as disrespectful, having “too much attitude”, and the “angry black woman”.[

      Transition here. There's no transition from the previous paragraph

    5. students of color.

      The zero tolerance policy is very important to the policing of Black chilldren. I think this paragraph does a great job about talking what these policies are, but it's important to also explain more about why they are so brutal to Black and Brown children. I would also go back and cite some sentences that might've come from academic sources. Not only that, I suggest staying away from extremes in this context, only because it's an argument based paper.

    6. school to prison pipeline.

      This is a nice paragraph with a bunch of great ideas. I would suggest to talk more about the school to prision pipeline and have more transition sentences. There are great supporting details, I think you just need to tie it all together.

    7. nd children are not exempt from these assumptions.

      Instead of leaving this part to the end of the sentence, maybe switch it up so it's more straight to the point. Children of color are subjected to unfair steroytpes ....

    8. these issues significantly impact Black children with the school to prison pipeline and hyper-criminalization of Black girls.

      This part of your sentence is repetitive because it's mentioned before that "there is a common misconception that only impacts adults." I don't necessairly think you need this sentence because the previous sentence already gives the reader a good idea about what's to come in this paper. if you are to write about the school to prision pipeline and hyper ciminalization of Black girls, it's important to make that specific in this introduction.

    9. The stereotypes, toxic living environments, and pattern of criminalization has an enormous influence on young Black children.

      This is a good start, it gives the readers an idea about what you're going to talk about in this paper, however I think you can be more specific about each subtopic.

    10. racial profiling

      You could write a sentence or more about this right here. This is a powerful phrase and you could even go into the specifics of controlling images within Black men or even how society has misplaced them as violent and aggressive.

    11. confinement

      Be more specific here, confinement as in solarity confinement or just generally like in jail. If the latter, you could say are nine times more likely to be imprisoned.

    12. has

      I think you could reword this sentence to make the first sentence more interesting. A statistic could help you do that or just different word choice to really emphasize how the United States has been unfairly imprisoning people of color. This is a good start, though!

  8. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. is the key element

      This is an extreme. Instead, maybe say "The increase of childhood obesity can be attributed to the ...." The sentence structure seems a bit awkward right now.