63 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. Negative experiences in schools can increase suicide rates in youth, evident in Native American children having a suicide rate 50% higher than the national average (Clarren, 2017).  

      what does this mean for the greater population of Native Americans?

    2. Alaska Native and Native American populations experience much higher disciplinary rates within public schools nationwide which result in much higher dropout rates, double the national average

      i feel like this paragraph could be moved closer to when you first mention disciplinary rates

    3.  on-time graduation rates, higher disciplinary rates, and drop-out rates also continue to disenfranchise Native American youth as they leave the education system and enter the workforce.

      this is already mentioned earlier in your esssay

    4. eaning that such grants could be used for the entire student body rather than specifically Native American children. Dwindling funding and lack of specified budget allocation deepen Native American discrimination and poverty while withholding a proper education experience.

      great link between evidence and reasoning

    5. Trump’s most recent budget reduced federal funding for the program by a sizeable 30% as well. Per-pupil spending is typically used for classroom materials, opportunities, and teaching methods.  

      plz elaborate on how this policy affects and harms these communities, use reasoning to strengthen your argument. So far all that is there to support your thesis is data and claims

    6. Small populations make data and scientific research much more difficult to compile in contrast to white and Black populations, the two most populous ethnicities for most states.

      this is a great opportunity to discuss that since the Native Americans are under-represented in data, they may not get the attention/ funding they need. do not just include a whole bunch of evidence, you do this a lot throughout your essay. Say what it all means too, look deeper than just the data, it gets repetitive

    7. n larger studies and reports, Native American populations, including Alaska Native and Native Hawaiian populations are simply left out due to their small size (Clarren, 2017). Small populations

      add a transition sentence to better connect this idea with the previous one

    8. The current public school system poses risks to Native American populations, who routinely perform substantially lower than their white counterparts and attend underfunded, discriminatory districts

      your topic sentence shouldnt start with a quote or citation

    9. damage of poverty was already done and mass migration to urban areas only made it worse (Campbell, 2016). As a group, 27% of Native Americans continue to live below the poverty line, typically on reservations (Campbell, 2016). 

      you briefly mention the effects of this poverty. explain it more, how is it an oppressive system, how does it effect people on a more specific level, what does it keep them from?

    10. Similarly, these children faced conditions of starvation, sexual assault, and corporal punishment in the name of civilization 

      this paragraph ends largely with more evidence. add more reasoning at the end to better refine your arguement regarding how this represents the massive injustice

    11. The Civil Rights Movement pushed the federal government to reinstate recognition to the bigger tribes but the damage of poverty was already done and mass migration to urban areas only made it worse

      length sentence and needs to be reworded

    12. In the reconstruction era of the United States, the federal government considered itself in conflict with various large Native American tribes across the western states (Bear, 2008). In the late 1870s the United States initiated a new policy which claimed to focus on assimilating Native American children into the growing urban society. This policy’s coined term, “Kill the Indian but save the man” was the mission of the program as it aimed to ‘civilize’ Native American children

      great start and use of evidence, very clear

    1. These women exemplified the idea that “it is all too easy for white women to be ethnocentric or patronizing at the same time as being consciously and purposively antiracist

      why is this the case, this paragraph is strong, i just feel that this idea needs more backing to connect to this one

    2. Looking beyond the United States, Felicity Nussbaum describes how white feminism has created many disillusionments within the international feminist community. According to Nussbaum, “the emphasis on First World national feminisms such as Anglo-American feminism tends to reinforce the Eurcentric view that the movement for women’s liberation is not indigenous to Asia and Africa, but has been a purely West European and North American phenomenon” (Nussbaum 267). She further contends that other international feminism models have been “merely imitative of Western models” (Nussbaum 267-268). Nussbaum believes that in addition to the clear silencing that women of color deal with in feminism, their contributions to early feminist movements are rarely acknowledged. This may serve as an explanation to why the disenfranchisement of women of color is such a widespread issue in our current feminist movement—if feminism is seen as being completely developed and defined by Anglo-Saxons, it would make sense that women of color are subjugated in a movement that was traditionally viewed as never theirs.

      i feel like you are running two different arguments in this paper 1. how white feminism detracts from women of color and 2. how systems in place determine what issues are brought up in politics (see Bernie Sanders example), you need to try and connect these two things together. Also, with the above paragraph, they should be towards the front, closer to your original thesis and it relates much better than the Bernie idea

    3. One of the most well-known 21st century feminist movements is the Women’s March. However, the march, not surprisingly, played completely into white feminism. According to S.T. Holloway, an attendee of the Women’s March, one of the biggest issues with white feminism is how it allows white women to set the agenda on what issues matter. She writes that white feminism “fosters a culture in which millions protest when white women’s access to healthcare is threatened, but when black maternal death rates in the United States are on par with second and third world countries there is no national outrage or call for reform or worldwide protest” (Holloway). These issues are not only met by silent whites, but are also belittled by the seemingly larger and more important problems plaguing the white community. Holloway, like many black women, decided that she would no longer be attending women’s marches because she doesn’t want to lend her voice “to a movement or a brand of feminism that seeks to end the oppression of some of its members” while continuing “to aid in the oppression of others” (Holloway).

      move this paragraph to be behind paragraph 2 or 3, it fits better there

    4. The power structures between black and white suffragists in the 20th century are still influencing how politicians view race and how certain subjects are able to gain leverage and others are disregarded completely.

      this somewhat helps your paper out. if you are going to try and keep this political tangent the same, you are going to have to expand on this idea with more citations and evidence to enforce it. this can also be added throughout the entirety of the paragraph so the reader does not get lost and can easily follow connecting and related ideas

    5. While not exclusively dealing with feminism, the issues with Sanders’ campaigns shows how racial matters are only discussed or viewed as important when white people decided that they are—

      this is a reach. the same connection could be made with a much more relevant example such as women's rights bills on healthcare for example, going on such a long tangent to reach this point is confusing and long winded

    6. After losing the 2016 democratic primary to Hillary Clinton, who was far more successful in reaching out to marginalized communities, Sanders decided that he would bring issues dealing with race to the forefront of his campaign promises.

      you are really starting to drift far from your thesis. perhaps you should change it to attempt to reconcile this path and the discussion of white feminism

    7. Conversely, matters dealing with race were more foreign to him, and therefore were ignored almost completely (Ember).Although he marketed himself as a progressive candidate, he failed to reach out directly to the groups of people who could benefit most from his progressive campaign ideals.

      how does this apply to feminism?

    8. Bernie Sanders, a 2016 presidential candidate, completely neglected black voters while campaigning. According to the New York Times, he “struggled to prioritize and execute a winning plan to build their [black voters’] support” (Ember).

      The direction you are taking your paper in here really threw me off, I thought you were talking about feminism and how white feminism silences women of color. Although the previous paragraph strayed away from that slightly, i figured you were going to re-center it in this paragraph and discuss how those same prejudicies are still in play today but instead you have completely switched topics to black voters and i am not sure why

    9. While the problems to which feminism are geared have changed significantly since the early 20th century, the power structures at play are still very much the same.

      great transition from the previous paragraph

    10. the disenfranchisement of black women was seen as an exclusively race problem rather than a gender problem and therefore beyond the movement’s writ”

      This is a great quotation and placed in a good spot but carries a lot of weight and worth. spend some time breaking it down before connecting it to the rest of the paragraph, a paragraph which is your strongest yet

    11. By usurping the stories of women of color and making them her own, Warren erased the real lived experiences of Native American women in an effort to not only benefit her campaign, but also to create a forged connection between herself and her women of color constituents

      this is a solid portion of your essay. now apply it to the bigger picture your essay is trying to convey. apply it to the wider struggle of all women of color and their attempts to gain legitimacy

    12. However, Osterheldt believes that a test to prove an identity that she doesn’t truly live with or deal with on a day-to-day basis is the opposite of helping the fight against white supremacy.

      this whole sentence is very clunky and confusing. rework it to convey your message.

    13. from a place of perceived understanding, their power in feminist society actually ends up further suppressing women of color

      go further than the obvious. what structures are in place that allow this to happen, you briefly hint to this above. Expanding on basic ideas like that can really hammer your point home better

    14. Mariana Ortega believes that there are several aspects of white feminism that keep women of color silenced. First there is the “arrogant perceiver” who “does not care to know about the object of perception” (Ortega 61). Alternately, and more complexly, she describes the “loving feminist”—the feminist who “knows and wants to know more about women of color,” but much of her knowledge is “inaccurate or may inadequately represent the experience of actual of women of color and therefore leads to ignorance” (Ortega 61).

      This appears to be just a long dump of quotations and definitions, which are good for outlining the basis of an issue but lacks strength/ credibiliity. Supplement this with real world examples and consquences. This will make things less bland and believable

    15. Feminism, defined by Merriam-Webster as “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes,” often appears to promote the rights of all women, regardless of their race.

      this is a solid introduction of feminism but a little cold. Add a little more background here with what feminism stands for as a movement in practice

  2. Jan 2019