This is a really solid conclusion. As a whole, the paper is very strong- I just think it needs to be a little more focused on the social implications of obesity rather than just the reasons for it and possible solutions. Also, including some more direct quotes throughout your essay might help it feel more academic. Overall, though, really good job!

This is a really strong paragraph, but in order for it to really hit I think you should discuss some more social implications. Why are these solutions more difficult for certain communities?

Another good place for a paragraph split!

Fewer

How? I would avoid throwing out a big claim like this without backing it up with examples or evidence

try 'many'- keep the tone of the essay formal

Be tentative with words like 'fix'

I would discuss, if you can find any sources, a little more about how obesity has impacted family dynamics

Things

Combine these sentences- feels like you're reiterating

Avoid using second-person in an academic essay

This could be an interesting place to talk about while fast food is often viewed as simply food of convenience, it's also some of the only chains open late (providing food to people who work atypical hours) and in all class neighborhoods

How long? Use specifics

This is another place that I would suggest splitting your paragraph up so it's easier to read

I wouldn't use the word 'lazy' here- feels like a bit of a call-out to your audience

I feel like this paragraph would have been a really good place to maybe talk about how obesity is such a class and racially-oriented topic. More about how the way obesity is viewed by employers etc.- but how it disproportionately affects poor non-Whites-could be something really powerful to introduce here and really drive your point home

This feels like a quote that would be more impactful if it were explained a little more after its statement

If they're so few and far between, it feels like a lot is being said about it. Why is it so important to understand that there are factors beyond one's control impacting obesity? Bring in some societal implications here

I would make this a new paragraph. Right now this paragraph feels very blocky and i think this would help keep the material feeling fresh

This is a loooooong quote that I don't really understand. If I were you, I'd shorten how much I quoted and paraphrase the rest. Also, I would take a moment after the quote to more fully explain what it means

As a whole, your introduction is very strong but it does feel a little long. Maybe take some of the statistics and other information and find a spot for them in different paragraphs? You don't have to, I just think it feels a little long for an introduction

I would elaborate on what this 'affect' is more

Again, this feels like a lot of claims being thrown at me- I would try and cite at least part of this

You? Don't speak directly to the reader. Try to find another way to word this sentence to keep out the second-person

Don't say should- keep your essay objective

No need for this word

At least some of this needs to be cited- feels like a lot of claims immediately being thrown at me

This is a very strong conclusion and essay! I really enjoyed reading it and I think it's an amazing first draft. While this is more of a personal preference, I will put it out there- I think that essays with quotes from the cited sources are more interesting and make the argument more convincing. I think adding a few into your essay would really help make it more persuasive and powerful

Cite

Fewer

Wait- I thought you were saying that segregation in the sense that whites and people of color weren't going to the same schools was the issue. I completely agree with what you're saying, but I am a little confused about your statement that schools are becoming more diverse with ethnic mixing. I would clarify how this connects back to school segregation

Color becomes

The city's

I think an example of gentrification in NYC would help make this statement hit harder and feel more specific

Declining enrollment? I would bring this up earlier in your paragraph

Concentration

Cite

What do you mean by people? Big donators or parents or what?

I would expand on how this connects back to your previous paragraph. "Move their children" could easily be connected to the system of school choice and make your transition more coherent

Fewer

Not going to lie- I'm a little confused. Are you saying that there's a system of school choice because wealthier people have more options on where they want to live and, therefore, on schools?

Flee from

I would find an example of some sort to back up this statement

I would just use "however"

Cite

What do you mean by lack of resources? Get specific

I feel like this portion of the essay could really benefit from a first-hand source who has attended Stuyvesant. I don't know if that exists or not, but I do think that this portion needs to be more personal

Is it? I would cut this

I feel like it would be interesting to have a direct quote in your introduction paragraph

Cite this as well

Really powerful closing line. I think your essay is very strong, but it could be further strengthened with more direct quotes and statistics to keep it interesting. I also think a more specific thesis statement in your introduction paragraph will help set up the organization of the essay very effectively

Again, I feel like these are different topics that haven't been discussed in the rest of the paper. I would rephrase to point more towards white power

By whom? Get specific

Imperialism? Not a topic or phrase that's been brought up before. Maybe try "to advance white power"

I think a statistic or direct quote would be really effective here since this is a very, very important point that actually highlights what you've been saying super well

Is- don't switch tense

Awkward wording. Rephrase

I think the point being made here is that by deciding how a black woman should feel about herself, these things come hand-in-hand. Reword to show the cause-and-effect relationship

Confusing wording. Maybe try "Black women's features directly dictated how they were treated by slave owners, although these biases are still present"

Unneeded

Reword

Again, your use of the word "almost" makes me doubt your authority. You've done a really good job citing, so don't be afraid to make a big claim that follows your point of view at the end of a paragraph

Don't say seem! Don't give the reader any reason to doubt your essay

Instead of just saying "health effects," I would preface your following points a little more specifically. Maybe try something like "has resulted in dangerous, and sometimes life-threatening, practices"

Definitely use a Cottom quote here!

Is there a direct quote to back this up? I feel like this would be more powerful with a firsthand experience rather than a summary of a citation

Maybe say "such as those" here

Who

Don't use second person in academic essays! This could easily be reworded to not include the "you"

I would spend this time further analyzing Cottom's quote, maybe even bringing in another quote of hers about this topic

Are there any statistics to back up any of the studies you've cited so far? If not that's okay, but I do think this would be a good spot for some stats

I'm not sure if punished is the right word. I don't think it necessarily fits with the point you made in your previous paragraph

I feel like this is a moment that could be made more powerful with a specific quote from a woman who has dealt with these beauty standards firsthand

Wow! Sending girls home for their hair is a big, big thing that you only briefly mention. If you're going to talk about this, I think it needs its own moment, and more of a description of the situation

I feel like I need some direct quotes from your sources. While you've done a really good job citing your claims, I think they would feel better backed-up if I got some direct quotes from them to help aid your summarizations

Are. Always keep examples in the present tense

In which

I'm a little confused about where your thesis statement is. I really like what you have here but I'm still a little confused about what exactly I'm going to be reading in the rest of your essay

Unneeded

Confusing wording

Rephrase- "and have to live up to more expectations."

I feel like this is a very sweeping claim. I would either make it much less specific or find a quote or citation that backs this up

This needs to be more of a conclusion. I am overall still a little confused about what you were trying to explore in the essay because there were so many different points being made and no sources to back up your claims. It's a really important topic you're writing about, and i think that finding those credible sources for your next draft and using them to back up your claims, as well as not using second-person, will really improve the quality of the piece.

If it really is without a shadow of doubt, it must be backed up with a source

These are important questions that I feel like need to be directly addressed earlier in the piece.

You can't make assumptions about your readers

This is a paragraph of suggestions, but you don't cite any sources that I feel like are needed in order to give your suggestions credibility

This is great!!!

Way too informal. Try: fortunately, there are steps that can be taken to eradicating this terrible phenomenon.

Noooo, don't encourage your readers to think about your points negatively!!!!!!

If you're going to talk about examples, give some!!!

I think this is a little one-sided. There is often a lot more going on when people do bad things then simply not valuing the community.

Back this up with a quote from a source! Where did you get this information? Talking about real-world people requires a citation

Wouldn't start a sentence with "this"

Instead of coming up with a hypothetical, maybe try to find a real-world example to better explain the situation

Still using second-person

Feels sort of like an attack on the morality of your readers. I would rephrase (not sure how) so that it doesn't come across as very aggressive towards your audience

Again, I feel like this is so much of your opinion. Finding sources about sexual assault and about the issues surrounding Junot Diaz will make it so much more credible

This is a LOT to say without really explaining what's going on. What exactly has he done? Go more in-depth

I think you could better phrase this using a review that a reputable source like The New York Times has written about his work

Should be italicized

Who

Definitely think he needs to be introduced in your introduction paragraph

Another claim that I feel like needs to be backed up by a quote from a source. I'm sure there are a lot out there on this subject

Who

Fictitious notions? I like the phrase, but I think the sentence needs to be "people who don't believe such fictitious notions"

This is a BIG claim!! You have no idea if this is true or not! Unless it can be backed up with a reliable source, don't make such a broad claim

This would be a good opportunity to introduce a quote from a reliable source about talent

Awkwardly worded- I understand what you're trying to say, but maybe phrase it like "why do people continue to give voices to those who don't deserve it?"

Again, I don't think second-person should be used in a formal paper

Don't use plural pronouns- keep it academic

I feel like these are a lot of claims without examples. Maybe find an example of someone who has done something bad and fits this description so the reader better understands what you're talking about.

By the end of the essay, I feel like there was almost too much background information towards the beginning. I feel like code switching could be brought up earlier in the piece, and some paragraphs could be combined to help reduce the amount of subjects it feels like you're exploring. Overall, I think this is a very strong essay that explores super important ideas and I really enjoyed reading it.

Capitalization

This paragraph definitely tied the essay's points together really nicely.

No comma needed.

So important! Really enjoying this paragraph so far.

This feels really, really important and like something that should probably be elaborated on or brought up earlier in the essay.

What is "this?" Elaborate.

Again, I feel like you could combine the previous paragraph with this paragraph. The previous paragraph provides context, and this paragraph provides an 'example.'

Where

Another idea- maybe combine this paragraph with the previous paragraph? This one feels a little short and like it brings up content that could complement the information in the previous paragraph really well.

I think it would be really effective to bring up codeswitching at the end of your paragraph as well. It would tie together the "white norm" with the idea of having to switch how you portray yourself in certain environments.

This would maybe be a good place to give an example. In any case, cite.

Again, what is 'this?' Not the strongest word to start a paragraph

Super strong paragraph!

Really interesting point. I really like how you introduce Black English and its background before jumping right into code switching.

What is 'this'?

The previous sentence made me think that the open admissions process was a step in the right direction, so this felt a little jarring. Maybe try adding in a "however, because of the newly diverse classrooms, teachers had the option..."

Where is this quote from?

Cite

There's a significant chunk of the introduction that doesn't deal with Sorry to Bother You; you mention it right at the beginning and right at the end, which makes the concluding sentence of this paragraph feel a little out of place. Maybe try incorporating it into your discussion of AAVE so it's more evenly spread through the paragraph

No comma needed

African American?

I feel like these sentences could be combined to help make the introduction more concise. Maybe try something like "Boots Riley's production of Sorry to Bother You (2018) follows Cassius Green through his professional development as a black telemarketer who was able to find success after discovering his "white voice."

policies,

maybe insert a quote from one of your sources here to add validity? otherwise, i would suggest just citing

define a zero tolerance policy earlier in the paragraph so that the reader is familiar with what it is

if you're going to make such a wide claim you need to cite

this is something that hasn't been discussed before!

race is something that hasn't really been brought up yet and seems like it's been hastily thrown in towards the end of the paragraph. if it's going to be such an important part of the piece, i would suggest bringnig it up earlier on and backing it up with more examples

cite

need to cite this because you make a factual claim

i think this piece needs a conclusion paragraph because about half of the paper discussed factors not dealing with race, and the school to prison pipeline at the beginning is forgotten by the end of the piece. a conclusion to tie the two ideas together will be key in enhancing understanding of these horrific realities.

violent

no comma needed

too informal for a formal paper. i think this could be equally moving with a first person source detailing her experiences. also what exactly are 'controlling images?'

the phrase 'claim' as well as the quote needs to be cited by a source

Cite! I'm sure sites like the CDC have lots of information on this subject

This is a big claim! Majority implies that over 50% of children spend countless hours sitting in front of a computer. Make sure to cite that, and also word differently to not implicate so many people