88 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. Tiffany Callo had both of her sons taken from her because she uses a wheelchair and has cerebral palsy. In the custody hearing, a video of her slowly changing her son’s diaper was used as evidence that she could not properly care for her children. Expert testimony supported Callo’s behavior, explaining that infants learn patience by needing to hold still during long diapering sessions. They were explaining how their mother’s disability could actually benefit the children. Eventually, Callo was unable to fight the state any longer, and her sons were separated and adopted by two different families. Callo is permitted one annual visit (Rocking the Cradle 71). Instances such as these tear apart families based on prejudice and misunderstanding what it means to live with a disability.

      Same as previous paragraph. Don't place an example randomly without giving explanation or correlation to your point.

    2. which was entirely unnecessary and unjust. Unfortunately, in many instances, parents with disabilities never get their children back.  

      This is an amazing example, but it needs more explanation. You need to connect it more to your thesis and elaborate on how it correlates to your argument

    3. The eugenics movement from the first half of the 20th century has had a lasting impact on the parental rights of people with disabilities (Powell 16). The movement encompassed more than 30 states passing legislation permitting involuntary sterilization, including those with disabilities (Rocking the Cradle 15), resulting in leftover laws denying basic rights to parents with disabilities. Today, there is skepticism and stigma regarding the quality of parenting that can be provided by people with disabilities. Parents with disabilities do not align sufficiently with norms in the United States of the traditional nuclear family, and are thus grossly mistreated when dealing with the welfare system. There is a cultural expectation that parents with disabilities cannot, or should not, raise children (Rochman). This issue is widely impactful; at least 4.1 million parents in the United States have a disability, which is roughly 6.2% of all parents with children below the age of 18 (Powell 16). Considering the tragic repercussions of the miscarriage of justice, legal precedent, and the best interest of the child, legal protections of parental rights for people with disabilities need to be enacted at a federal level.

      Very well-written first paragraph. I would say maybe restate your thesis or make it more clear. It was hard to tell what your thesis was at first.

    1. Obesity can easily be considered a health crisis in America today, with many measures and steps being used t reduce the number of people it affects, Obesity in America also greatly differs from other countries. Causes for obesity in the United States differ from person to person, and it also has a lasting affect that can change, ruin and take someone’s life.

      I cannot tell if there is a thesis in here. There is no thesis so I am confused in which way your essay is talking about.

    2. With the United States holding the highest number of obese and overweight citizens (Matthews, 2019).

      This sentence is also incomplete, try to combine it with the sentence directly before it.

    3. Although Americans should understand by now that all body types are normal, and that everyone is beautiful in their own way. However, this being said does not mean that all body types are ideal in terms of health, both mentally and physically.

      Merge these sentences. The first one is incomplete.

    4. People in the United States come in all shapes and sizes. People will always harp on the idea of a perfect body size, shape and type.

      Reword how you start this. Your essay should always start strong. Either change these sentences or rewrite them completely.

  2. Mar 2019
    1. society on the field or on the court and nowhere else, society neglects acknowledging the racial issues the black community faces, which creates a dangerous set of human rights and civil rights issues.

      This was an amazing and well structured paper. Very good job, I enjoyed reading it

    2. Another piece of this issue involves demographics, those in positions of power in college athletic systems are mainly white men.

      This needs to be two separate sentences or rephrase this

    3. The NCAA’s rules act as more of a hindrance to student athletes and impede on their educational success. “Once a player has signed a national letter of intent and enrolled in an institution under the NCAA, the player’s financial aid covers only books, room and board, and tuition. Additionally, a player’s scholarship may be renewed on a semester basis or a yearly basis and at any given point, a coach can deny the renewal of an athlete’s scholarship or standardized compensation” (McCormick & McCormick, 2010-2011). In 2013, the National College Players Association issued a report concluding that 86% of college athletes live below the poverty line (Hayes, 2013). However, on average, Power 5 football coaches earn $3.26 million dollars every year, the head coaches of basketball teams earn $2.88 million and Power 5 athletics directors on average earn $698,775 (Harper, 2016). The NCPA also found that the top 25 highest paid basketball coaches whose team played in the 2011 NCAA tournament averaged about $2.4 million. While these coaches and directors make a great deal of profit, players on the Duke Basketball team were valued at $1,025,656 but many of these athletes lived just $732 above the poverty line and were dealing with a scholarship shortfall of $1,995 (Staurowsky, 2011). The statistics reveal the financial injustices of these athletic institutions. Coaches, commissioners and athletic directors make substantial wealth off of the athletes, yet many of these players still struggle with poverty or financial aid issues. Given the time-consuming nature of D1 practice and game schedules in combination with the rigor of a college curriculum, not many of these students have time to get a job in order to earn some money. And according to the NCAA Recruiting Facts Page, only 59% of student athletes at D1 Collegiate Programs receive some form of financial aid through athletic scholarships (NCAA, 2018). Additionally, even though full scholarships cover tuition and fees room, board, and textbook costs, most student athletes only receive athletic scholarships that cover some portion of these costs (NCAA, n.d.). Thus, NCAA Division One Athletics, in revenue sports like football and basketball, make it increasingly harder for student athletes to move up in social mobility by not allowing them to get compensated for their labor on the field or on the court.

      This paragraph needs more explanation and support of your argument more. There are a lot of statistics and sources, which is good, but I would like you to elaborate on what that means, how it is using black bodies, etc.

    4. Furthermore, this is problematic because these same universities now prosper and profit off of integrated athletic programs while failing to acknowledge their past injustices.

      How do you know this? Needs a citation for such a claim

    5. According to Richard Lapchick, a contributing writer to ESPN.com and author of 100 Pioneers: African-Americans Who Broke Color Barriers in Sport, many schools that participate in the Big Ten, SEC, ACC, and Ivy League conferences do not possess the knowledge of the first admitted African American female student athlete, nor are they able to “easily locate information about the first male pioneers” (Lapchick, 2008). The lack of records negate the struggles and accomplishments of these individuals who endured discrimination among a myriad of other racial issues and still persevered.

      These last few sentences of the previous paragraph should be how you start the next paragraph

    6. Big Ten, SEC, ACC, and Ivy League conferences do not possess the knowledge of the first admitted African American female student athlete, nor are they able to “easily locate information about the first male pioneers” (Lapchick, 2008).

      Overall well written paragraph, very well organized, and your point was made well and was clear

    7. This essay then examines how America’s Division One athletic programs and the National College Athletic Association currently exploits and undermines the success of student athletes. These athletic systems further disadvantage people of color through failing to provide adequate fiscal compensation and failing to equip student athletes with the educational benefits they promise.

      Great thesis. I love the way you constructed your first paragraph and I believe that you have introduced the topic well.

    8. burdens of being the only black kid in an all-white class.

      Rephrase this/reword this. It is kind of redundant since the title contains "the only Black kid in class". Try to rephrase it.

    1. irls as less innocent, less needing of protection and generally more like adults, it appears likely that they would also view black girls as more culpable for their actions and, on that basis, punish them more harshly despite their status as children,”(aecf.org

      Overall this is a well-written paper and organization is great. I am not sure if it is complete? There is no conclusion and it seems as if you had more to discuss.

    2. Another prime example of this is the case of fifteen year old Dajerria Becton, a Mckinney, Texas teen who was a victim of police brutality in January 2017. Becton, who attended a pool party, was dragged, pinned and tackled by officer Eric Casebolt for no apparent reason. According to the Washington Post, The video, which captured a chaotic scene at the

      This should be a new paragraph that is connected to the next one. It should start your next paragraph

    3. The experience described in the poem as well as an increasing quantity of recently published literature regarding the effects of adultification on the disproportionate penilization and sexualization of African-American youth in post-modern American society calls into question, to what extent is the African-American youth demographic negatively affected by adultification in post-modern American society?

      Try to change this into two separate sentences. This sentence is very lenghty

  3. Feb 2019
    1. After reviewing the work of multiple leading sociologists and psychologists, as well as analyzing recent data and information from current news sources , it would be remiss to deny the existence of workplace inequity in post-modern America and the detrimental effects it has had on the African-American population. An ever-increasing wage gap, discriminatory hiring tendencies, the continued over and under representation of African Americans in  the service and labor sector as well as in the managerial and executive sector respectively, represent only a small portion of the constantly increasing database of information and statistics which corroborate this claim. Action to remedy this must be implemented in order to continue to move towards a ‘post-partisan’, ‘post-racial’ society.

      Overall, this was a well-written paper, but I feel as if you should have included more of your voice. You seemed to fill it up with a lot of statistics and quotes, but you did not fully explain or go into your argument as much as you should have.

    2. Wage gap here refers to the growing incongruity between the wages of European American laborers compared with that of their minority counterparts, but more specifically in this case, with that of African Americans.

      I appreciate you explaining the term to your readers

    3. Statistics and information gathered from leading sociologists and psychologist also provides substantial evidence to buttress the claim that African Americans are still affected by workplace inequity in modern America. Rebecca S. Bigler, Cara J. Averhart, Lynn S. Liben provide some prime examples of this evidence in their work, “Race and the Workforce: Occupational Status, Aspirations, and Stereotyping Among African American Children”. This study considered whether African American children’s perceptions of occupational status and their own vocational interests are affected by racial segregation of the workforce. Bigler, Averhart and Liben offer some intriguing statistics regarding the history of employment disadvantage in the United States including atrocious inconsistencies in workforce statistics regarding the under and over representation of African-Americans in certain professional and service occupations.

      This paragraph seems short. You could have talked more and explained your view on the statistics.

    4. Multiple prevalent news sources in recent years

      I think you should rephrase this. You used this similar phrase about 2 sentences before. Also, try and be more specific about these sources.

    5. a gross number of inequities still exist in today’s post-modern socio-economic infrastructure. Among these, African American workplace inequality is one of the prevailing issues which continues to aid in the perpetuation of these inequities.

      Try to use different words. You repeated "inequities".

    6. “Though the colored man is no longer subject to be bought and sold, he is still surrounded by an adverse sentiment which fetters all his movements.”  

      Great quote, but you need to cite this.

  4. Jan 2019
    1. This picture reinforced to me that our entire society fuels issues between genders and issues of gender inequality.

      Rephrase this. The "reinforced to me" seems a little off. Maybe "reinforced the idea that out entire...."

    2. And furthermore,

      Instead of saying "and furthermore", just say furthermore. The and in front is unnecessary and repetitive because you started the sentence prior with "and". You should also try and refrain from beginning sentences with "and".

    3. Two, the group of boys was big cheered on, elevated by these girls.

      Not sure what you are trying to say here. Reread this sentence and rephrase it, I think you made a typo here. Maybe "the group of boys were being cheered on"?

    4. In the context of this essay, toxic masculinity is defined as the display of traditional masculine traits that diminish the power or authority of any person not adhering to these traits and expectations as well as the abuse of the privileges of power that the U.S patriarchal society provides.

      This sentence seems lengthy, try to break it down into two sentences if you can.

    5. After watching the commercial I became particularly interested in the stigma surrounding emotional intelligence and emotional intimacy in men.

      Rephrase this sentence so it isn't in 1st person.