In the original paragraph I merely state how I looked for distractions to prevent me from starting my work, while in the revised one, I discuss what I am feeling as I procrastinate. Rather than just saying I am procrastinating, I show how this moment allows me to connect with the most present version of myself. By paying more attention to myself, I am not focusing on other distractions. I also used vivid language when detailing my surroundings, as I compare my attention of the birds to that of an ornithologist.

The original paragraph was much weaker than the current one. My writing in the old one consisted of cliche general statements. There were complexities within the paragraph that I had not explored. I mentioned how sitting in the library I “gained clarity”, but I left it at this and did not dive into writing more. In the revised essay, I wrote towards the complexity as I explored different versions of myself, me in the library versus me out in public. I strayed away from writing towards the complexity because I equated not finding a perfect answer to not answering the question in the assignment. However, by doing so it shows the journey towards an answer which is more informative and authentic than what I previously had.

I added more vivid details to this paragraph as before the details did not further the main idea of my essay. Before, I just described what I was seeing around me, without responding to it. I tried making the stimuli more meaningful as I linked the yellow caution tape to Covid-19 and how it changed my college experience, ironically as I write in a college library. The yellow tape stimulated ideas about what I was missing out on, in terms of the college experience, which I later address in the essay. By mentioning this, my final paragraph is more effective as it is linked to more paragraphs in the essay.

Rather than just stating that I feel alone, which is what I did in the original paragraph, here I explore this feeling. At the time of writing this, I did not truly know what I was going to say. However, taking another look at it after freewriting about what I was feeling, I gained insight on what I was going to write. Instead of saying I am learning to be comfortable with being alone, I discuss how I am able to connect with an authentic version of myself, as I use being alone as a tool to access this part of me. These additions make the paragraph far more powerful because I completely explore the idea which makes it more effective.

In the old paragraph, I just state I am happy with this reflection, but don’t go on to explain why. In this version, I present two possible explanations as to why. I show how I have gained respect for myself by being alone and explore the feeling of solitude. This addition makes the paragraph much more powerful as earlier I mention how I struggled with being alone and would distract my brain from being present with myself. Additionally, towards the end of the paragraph I write towards the complexity, by exploring why I hated being alone. These two additions, which are polar opposites, help show where I started in the journey of solitude to where I end up now.

I wanted to show how my thinking can be scattered while maintaining the clear flow of ideas in my essay. I added the comment about the lawyers graduation dates in order to bridge the gap between lawyers and me thinking about death. Death was the easiest subject to talk about as it makes me think of what I want to accomplish in life. In the library I am consistently distracting myself from doing work, but here this was only a momentary distraction which highlights my progression focusing on the present moment.

I added more to the second paragraph in order to provide details that support the topic sentence. I began writing about the ways in which I could use the library to map my journey of exploring myself when alone. I also imagined how different parts of the library could activate different parts of me, as I gave a few potential scenarios. These examples help make the paragraph stronger as it prompts the reader to question if different places in their life bring out different versions of them.

After revising my shorter piece I noticed that my paragraphing could use some work. Before, the post was all one big paragraph. Upon reading it again, paying attention to paragraphing, I realized how there were actually multiple different ideas, thus I needed to split them up and ensure that I have topic sentences that accurately state what I am going to discuss. I split the post into three paragraphs, with the first talking about how the podcast changed my thinking about the law library. In the second paragraph, I try to figure out how I could use the library to map my journey. Finally, the last paragraph is about hearing and silence. I use details of how I interact with silence as a way to support the topic sentence.

This line resonated with me as she highlights her progress with her speaking skills and understanding of rhetorical tools. I like how she mentions that no one laughed at her joke, which would be an uncomfortable situation for anyone, yet she changes the direction of her thought by ending on a positive note. I feel that once someone understands the rhetorical tools, they will have a much easier time understanding ways of connecting to their audience in a more efficient and thought provoking manner. I was impressed by Lee's determination and perseverance as despite not excelling in certain activities she still gave it her best shot and gained value from each of them. She kept inserting herself in situations where she could practice her public speaking and rhetorical skills which is the only way to improve. I related to this, as sometimes there are things that I know will help me but I do not want to take the first step towards it, despite knowing the future benefits. This sentiment stuck with me as I know it could be a very useful reminder for the next time I do not want to complete an activity that will better me.