Okay so again, I feel like once the story gets to the main conflict, it stops, without much payoff. It doesn't feel like much gets developed throughout the plot, things just kind of happen without much explanation. Also, it seems counter-intuitive to develop this really extensive System 86 with rules, regulations, and details and not really do anything with it. The only thing that Rory and Jordan do after signing up for the program is directly related to the entertainment center, but from what I could tell, System 86 is supposed to get people to broaden their horizons away from the entertainment sector. It feels like all the effort you put into creating System 86 isn't paying off, because it's process isn't being showcased at all. Additionally, just a note on grammar and sentence structure, I noticed you rely a lot on run-on sentences with lots of commas and phrases. This can definitely be helpful every once in a while, but it might be beneficial to vary your sentence lengths and pacing. A lot of run on sentences in a row can make a paragraph too dense and repetitive. You tend to use "really", "kind of", "seems to", and other filler phrases quite often, but they're not necessary all the time. By cutting down on filler words and breaking up larger sentences into smaller ones, the story will flow much more dynamically and will keep the reader's attention and interest. I would also recommend just doing a complete read-through to catch grammatical errors, as there were a few of them scattered throughout the story. One thing that I've heard people do is paste their writing into a text-to-speech program, which makes it a lot easier to catch mistakes. The story has a lot of potential, and the beginning definitely seemed a lot smoother compared to last time, but there are definitely things that you can still do to make the narrative flow more smoothly and engage the audience.

This part is kind of confusing to me. How are the corporations able to achieve this kind of effect with people? If its just the fact that games produce high amounts of dopamine, that doesn't really seem like enough of an explanation. What makes Rory seemingly immune to this? Wouldn't way more people question this? I would really love to see an in depth explanation for why people are so willing to invest their entire lives into this system other than just "the corporations invested a lot of money into it and it produces a lot of dopamine."

bro same

I just wanted to say that I really like all of the descriptions of tech in your story. It definitely contributes to world-building/developing and I love it!!

I like this foreshadowing! It stood out to me a lot obviously because I already know that his Dad is working with the Undergrounders but for a new reader I think it'll be the perfect amount of foreshadowing without actually spoiling anything.

Yesssss this transition feels a lot smoother this time around, with more of an explanation for why Rory would agree with his dad.

The story definitely has a lot of potential .It just doesn't feel finished. Throughout the entire story, you were dropping hints foreshadowing the corporate greed of the entertainment sector, which is a great commentary and a great plot-point, but the "final reveal" isn't really surprising to the reader. It seems like the story is completely exposition all the up to the end, and when you finally start to develop some real conflict, the story just abruptly ends. There's no climax, no extended rising action, no character development, no resolution. I would try to spend less time describing settings and world-building, because plot-wise there's not much going on. Obviously I understand that there is only so much you can do given the word count restraint, but I was left really unsatisfied by all of the loose ends that were left untied (what happens with the Undergrounders? Do they accomplish their goals? What is the world outside like? What does Rory learn and how does he develop as a character?) This seems like a really compelling START to a story, not a whole story in and of itself.

I'm definitely engaged by this sentence, I get the feeling that some huge conspiracy is going to be illuminated soon

Rory's motivation and goals don't feel very defined to me. I get that to an extent, that's a part of his character, but at the same time, this far into the story he doesn't have many defining characteristics that the audience can relate to.

This paragraph is definitely exciting, you get the sense that you're about to get into the main bulk of the rising conflict, and I feel like the plot is about to start really kicking off.

Is this the only way that system abusers are identified? If this is the case it feels like its almost too easy to take advantage of the system.

I'm a little confused by this rule, does this apply to groups of people or just individual person to person? Like if he was hanging out with Jordan and someone else and the other person left and was replaced by someone else would that technically not count towards the 24 hour time?

This section doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. In the beginning, it seems like you're setting Rory up for some introspective realization, and then it just dissipates into nothing. I'm a little lost on its relevancy

Again, it seems like there should be more impact on his family of his departure. I don't know if this is purposeful or not, but it doesn't seem like a super big deal to his family

I'm a little confused as to why there's no resistance from Rory. This is a huge, life changing event and he's kind of indifferent to me

I really love this exposition! It meshes together sci-fi and typical family life together really well.