Revised after Graded Final Draft: These lines were part of my graded final draft but have been altered and rephrased in this draft to connect the ideas of worrying and overthinking to the section I added in the first paragraph. I used the same ideas to create myself as a character in the first paragraph. These lines help create a strong character for the reader.

Revised for Graded Final Draft: The original sentence read, “ I had ruined my parents wedding anniversary by trying to have fun.” The original sentence had grammatical errors regarding verb tense agreement. The new revised sentence flows better and makes better sense grammatically.

Revised after Graded Final Draft: The original sentences read, “Quickly the invited masses left in cars that probably had less than sober drivers.” The problem with the original statement was that the phrase, “less than sober drivers” appeared to the annotator as an “understatement” and took away from the overall tension of the situation. The revised sentence has described a situation that focuses the attention of the reader on the fact that people drove home drunk. The outcome of this change increases the severity of the situation and heightens the tension felt by the reader in my essay.

Revised for Graded Final Draft: The original sentence read, “ She couldn’t communicate or comprehend what I was saying and her ability to comprehend what I was quickly getting worse.” The original sentence has grammatical errors that resulted in a confusing sentence. Through both rephrasing and adding "me" as an indirect object to the verb "communicate," the revised sentence makes more sense gramatically and displays the same idea much clearer.

Revised after Graded Final Draft: The original sentenced read, “With his help I was able get my brother upstairs, undress him, put him in the shower, and get him in bed.” The original sentence was poorly written and had conflicting verb tenses within the same sentence. In the original sentence, the disagreeing verb tenses made the sentence harder to understand. This new sentence is clearer than the original and has agreeing verb tenses to better display the original idea intended.

Revised for Graded Final Draft: The original sentences read, "My younger brother included. He had been chasing vodka with beer all night and had made himself sick.” The original sentences included a fragment of a sentence and a sentence that was not very descriptive. The revised sentence fixes grammatical and comprehension problems by combining the fragment and the fallowing sentence together with a semicolon and rephrasing what was the second sentence for clarity.

Revised for Graded Final Draft: The original sentence read, “Sprinklers were placed on the roof overlooking the backyard constantly running all night in order to contain the party and keep the noise low and drunk crowd inside by avoiding what they though was ‘rain.’” This original sentence was unclear and confusing. The revised sentence brings forth the same idea that was meant to be portrayed in the original sentence in a clearer and better flowing manner.

Revised after Graded Final Draft: This segment of this paragraph was not originally in my previous draft. I added these lines to my essay to create a better character of myself for the reader. This selected portion of text is meant to show and connect the reader to a character that worries a lot like many people do every day. The idea of being worried will also resurface later in the essay through different circumstances.

Revised after Graded Final Draft: This segment of this paragraph was not originally in my previous draft. I added these lines to my essay to create myself as a character better to a reader.

Revised: These sentences were revised from the original sentence that read, " I consider myself to be a leader among my friend group." This sentence was incomplete and displayed the wrong idea. The revised sentences better describe the idea that I want to portray. I want to show that I am different and stick out from my group of friends but I wanted to make the distinction that I am not in charge of my friends and they do not follow me blindly like subjects follow the crown. I am not a person of power in my friend group, but an individual with different opinions with a voice who has an attentive audience.

Revised: These sentences were added to my shorter piece because I did not feel as though I did a good enough job describing the entire situation in my original draft. The original draft was written in no more than ten minutes the first day of class and I felt was missing details that I think are important and if provided with more time, these details, would have been part of the original draft. I used these sentences to show the reader the difficulties that one encounters when growing up with dyslexia.

Revised: In the original essay, only the first sentence was present."I don’t think this disability continues to significantly impact me negatively like it once had." This sentence is confusing in the context of this essay without the following sentence that was added, "The effects of this disability still linger but to a lesser degree than when I was younger." Without this added sentence the previous sentence contradicts a large part of my essay, being that dyslexia and my disabilities have affected my life significantly. The addition of the second sentence helps me to depict the idea I originally had planned on displaying. I wanted people to know that although this disability had at one point been a large obstacle in my life, and still is to a lesser extant, no longer impacts me as much as it once had.

Revised: The original sentences read, "I am not upset that I have the disabilities that I have. I believe that my disabilities are what makes me me." The original sentence, to me, gave off a different idea and tone than I wanted in this essay. The revised sentences seem to portray a clearer and more concise idea as well as a tone that seems better fitting to this essay.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. I especially enjoyed the section talking about your uncle. I thought that this section does well to invoke emotion among the readers. I would maybe add more about your connections between you and with your uncle. This would help connect you closer to the reader and the reader will feel more emotion.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. I thought you did a very good job trying to connect to the reader especially in this highlighted section. I do think that this section could be worded differently for clarity. The idea is very good but with clearer sentences the idea can be conveyed better.

I really enjoyed reading your essay. The opening paragraph in my opinion was a very good way to start this essay. By opening with this story and the way you presented the story immediately had me hooked as the reader. I think that this story from your childhood also did a great job of creating yourself as a character for the reader. Possible try and add to this idea later on in the essay. You could possible use this at the end of your story too.

I really liked your essay and thought that you made some very good points. I liked how you explained how snapchat is different from the other social media sites and because of these differences why it has become so popular. I think that in asking questions to your audience you did a good job keeping the reader connected to the essay and brought light to the points you were trying to make in this paragraph.

I truly enjoyed reading this essay and thought that you made some great points. I also thought that the topic that you chose was interesting in general. I thought that this is one of the more important points that you make. This shows people why snapchat is different and in my opinion is the only reason some people send explicit content through snapchat.

I thought that your essay was very well thought out. I personally don't vape anymore but when i did i remember feeling this type of negative sentiment. I think that you did a very good job describing the different viewpoints on your topic and reading how society views vaping was not something i expected to read. I think that it adds a dimension to your essay that really helps the reader understand vaping.

I thought that this was a great essay and i can relate to it as well. I definitely remember the culture associated with vaping when my friends started doing it. I think that you did a good job talking about your personal experiences. I think it really helped the reader gain a better understanding of your essay.

I really liked your essay and thought that you made some very good points. I liked how you explained how snapchat is different from the other social media sites and because of these differences why it has become so popular. I think that in asking questions to your audience you did a good job keeping the reader connected to the essay and brought light to the points you were trying to make in this paragraph.

I love this imagery because I used to walk around the Wellsley library that vaguely reminds me of the basement of O’neil with my girlfriend and we would always sit in a corner on the ground to do homework and we would read the titles of the books too. I think that just reading book titles is one of the most interesting things you can do in a library.-Navide

I really like the description of Pricilla Road in this quote because it reminds me of my experiences on that street when I used to long board down it early in the fall mornings on my way to crew and I compley agree with the breeze hitting my face as well as the goose bumps I would get from trying to navigate potholes in the dark.-Navide

I think that including your though process in this assignment really gives it a different feel. The use of speaking to yourself though out the work originally did not appeal to me but I see now how it adds to the text. –Navide

I think that including your though process in this assignment really gives it a different feel. The use of speaking to yourself though out the work originally did not appeal to me but I see now how it adds to the text. –Navide

This essay was great in my opinion. I really enjoy reading something where the author has the ability to or has put in the effort to carefully choose the words he uses. I also really like the way that you have ended the last paragraph. With this ending you are able present further insight.

I thought that this example worked well to start off this second paragraph. The reason I specifically thought that this example was so powerful was because of how relatable it was. I know in my life that I struggle communicating with my parents sometimes.

I personally thought this was a great point to make. The part I highlighted, I believe is very important and I think that this paragraph and this excerpt/example should be your main argument or at least in your second paragraph.