Sophia, I loved reading your project and learning more about the themes you explored! I love “The Man” and the references to Taylor Swift’s other music you included so it was fun and educational to learn more about the context. The content of your writing was very original and relevant to what you were discussing. I think the connections you drew were fascinating and you chose relevant sources. I loved your use of questions and descriptive language throughout your writing. I think there are some run-on sentences and places where the wordiness can be reduced to make the language more assertive and direct. I think also one thing to note is to be mindful of using “as” and seeing how it can be replaced with a more direct way of organizing the sentence. I love how you include a page with lyrics. Maybe you could put it before your writing instead of in the middle but it is completely your stylistic choice and it’s helpful that it can be referenced from on the further pages. I really loved your final essay idea. I learned so much from your annotations on the lyrics and it was so much fun to read. I think your writing also was direct and worked especially well in the annotations. I’ve listened to these songs numerous times and never thought about some of what you uncovered until now. I think the Scalar page set-up is clear and I love your use of multiple pages for the final essay. I also love how you embedded videos and had a table of contents. Other highlights for me were the photos and the embedded music video. Overall, I thought your project was awesome and I loved getting to dive into the song and the discussion you put together for it.

I love how you include this speech!! It's a great connection to your project

Who is Kenny Chesney?

Italicized

I think there needs to be a word added and a comma: "started releasing music, men in the industry..."

Italicized

Italicized)

I like how you bring in a quote (and also in general with your other annotations)

Maybe you could state the time period (year) to make it clearer to the viewer

"being portrayed"

While this is interesting context, I'm not sure if it is needed because it makes the sentence longer and more wordy

This could be a new sentence

Maybe you could explain what Shamrock Holdings is somewhere here (parenthesis, etc.)

This sentence is a little bit hard to read. I wonder if using two sentences and getting across one idea in each instead of combining them could help. For example, "Before Edith killed herself following Rebekah's death, she frequented mental institutions. It is possible that the blame for her death was placed onto Rebekah."

Could delete

Could change to "by mocking" or switch whole sentence to active voice: "Swift mocks the media..., playing into her satirical commentary"

Maybe you could use an m-dash here or change it so that what comes after the comma is integrated into the sentence clearer

These are awesome connections to other songs. Maybe you could add in parenthesis or elsewhere where the other songs are from (ex. albums)

This is very clear and the writing is works well here

I like how you bold and annotate the lyrics by line - the structure is clear

This is such a cool and creative idea for your final essay! I love how it's structured on the Scalar page as well as its own path

I notice this sentence uses a lot of commas and reads a little bit wordy. I wonder if there is a way to condense it, delete unneeded parts, or split it into two.

I notice that you use a lot of commas in this sentence. I wonder if there is a way to reduce the amount used by restructuring the sentence in a way that connects similar ideas without splitting them up and deleting/moving phrases that aren't necessarily needed.

Consider deleting this and words in the sentence that detract from your central idea of the sentence.

Consider deleting

I think sentence could be edited to make it less wordy. For example, something like, "Perhaps, Swift purposefully ___ so the viewer could connect with the anger from her live facial expressions and feel the rage created from the making of the song"

Such a great connection and question!!

This seems a little bit repetitive of what was said before. Maybe noting this when you mentioned it above and spilling the above sentence into multiple can help with this.

While this gives good context, I wonder if all of it is relevant to this opening. Maybe condensing it could make the sentence more direct and less wordy.

I think albums are italicized

I love how you open with questions. I think the second one is so interesting also because it makes the reader think about how the one thing that isn't typically changed when going from the produced recording to an acoustic one (the lyrics) can still be altered.

This is great evidence and content. I think this sentence here is a concluding one to the paragraph and works well. I wonder if there is a way to make it even more clear by changing how you use "as"

Italicized

"with"

I notice how you start a lot of the paragraphs here with "Kobayashi." I wonder if there are ways to make the starting sentences to your paragraphs more varied or add creative transitions.

"are"

"direct message of"

Insert comma

I notice how you use "happens to be" twice in this paragraph. I wonder if it is needed in either case because deleting it could make the writing more assertive and direct.

Endorse who? I think adding a subject might be necessary here - ex. "publicly endorse someone"

When speaking about writing, I think the tense should be present. So, "...works introduce a history... that utilize..." and so on.

Italicized or quoted

This needs to align with the beginning of the sentence. Since you are referring to Taylor Swift in the beginning, it would need to be the subject "Taylor Swift" after the comma. So something like "In her 20 years of music making and song writing, Taylor Swift has written songs that have matured from..." Or, you can switch the beginning part of the sentence to refer to her songs.

I love how you include the music video in the middle of your writing. It allows such easy access for the viewer to see what your describing

While I this is casual and the proper tone for the essay, I wonder if there's another way to say the same sentiments but worded clearer.

This description is clear and I love the language you use

This is a very clever way of transitioning between the songs!! Maybe making this last sentence shorter (ex. by splitting it into two) it can make the transition read smoother.

I like that you are speaking to the reader directly and telling them what to listen for.

I think this sentence is a little bit of a run-on. I wonder if it could be worded in a more organized way.

Italicized

I think this comma could be removed

I think this is a great sentence and transitions smoothly into the playlist!

I think this language can be changed to make your writing here more assertive. For example, something like this: "...exploration of times when female artists claimed part of male dominated spaces"

I think the questions are a great opening. I think the second question is a little long (which isn't a bad thing) and could maybe be condensed.

Is there a citation for this?

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I wonder if a different verb could be used here to make it clearer that these songs are on the album

Maybe putting this is quotes or quickly explaining what a Swiftie is could clarify if a reader isn't familiar with the name of her fan base

The content of this is great - it's a good hook to make the reader engaged. I love the use of the ...

I love how you include a link to a Spotify version of the playlist! So cool!!

The content of what you are saying is excellent. To make it more direct, maybe consider deleting phrases like this that are not needed to get your message across.

Italicized

Because both "since then" and "now" get similar ideas across, maybe you could consider deleting one of them to make the sentence more direct.

I think this sentence is long and can maybe be split into two. I notice how you use "and" back to back in the second part so I wonder if there is a way to reorganize the sentence.

While this works and I think the content is great, I feel like what's inside the parenthesis could be moved to after the sentence is over or condensed as it makes it a little wordy to read (and it does seem relevant to include/maybe have it's own moment).

There is opportunity to change to active voice if you would like - completely a stylistic choice.

I notice that you repeat this phrase throughout the paragraph and while I understand that it is needed (because it's a very important element/descriptor), I wonder if there is a way to organize the ideas (or change the structure of them) about the synth pop production in a way that is clearer to the reader.

I think this can be changed to active voice: "the general public to more easily digest Swift's message"

I wonder if there is a way to connect the last sentence to this next one. For example, using an m-dash.

This is a great, specific description of the song and I love the word choice

Annie, Your project was super fun to read and I learned a lot about Starman that I didn’t know before. Your writing is clear and easy to read while still using rich vocabulary and varying sentence structure. I think that your tone works really well throughout all of your assignments. It’s a really good balance between being conversational, bringing in your voice and personality, and having an academic, educational style. Also, your ability to connect each individual piece of writing all together to form a coherent argument worked really well. I thought your use of punctuation (m-dashes, commas, etc.) was clever and additionally thought your use of questions was such a great hook no matter where they were placed in the essay. I was engaged the whole time and could see all of the connections you drew. I loved how for your final essay you brought in the trend - I thought it was very creative and you tied it nicely to the ideas you already established while adding new ones. I think the order of the pages works nicely and you transition to the next one smoothly. I enjoyed the photo on the home page and embedded videos for the playlist and listening guide. I think if you wanted you could have a table of contents, but it’s not needed. I appreciate how the “Contents” at the bottom of each page includes a link to the previous page and the next one. This is nit-picky but If there is a way to label them (instead of 1 and 2 to have something like next and previous) I think that could be an enhancement. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your project and learning about Starman through your eyes and research! I thought the content was so interesting, your writing was engaging, and that you did the song justice.

I think this is an excellent concluding paragraph!!

While I understand what you're saying, I don't think it's 100% clear what you're referring to here

I love how you break down each section with a question

This reads a little bit wordy. Maybe condensing it could help the flow of the sentence.

I think this can be shortened to people or the general public

"wholly good characters" (to match "morally gray characters" earlier in sentence)

Such a great sentence and connection back to your project!

While this change is not necessary at all (stylistic choice), I find that reading a comma list like this can be easier to digest when each clause is in the same form. I wonder if there is a way to make all three ideas in a more similar format.

While this works, I think you could consider changing "other options" to something more specific or rearranging the sentence: "...choosing kindness, despite having all ___ at his fingertips..." or "...choosing kindness over ____, despite..."

Your argument is super clear in this paragraph and this is a great concluding sentence

Consider changing to ":"

I notice how you use "these" throughout the paragraph which isn't necessarily a negative thing. However, I think some of them could be changed to increase clarity. For example this sentence could be "It emphasizes and highlights the good in humanity"

This sentence sounds a little bit wordy. Maybe you could consider editing it to be more concise or playing around with the structure. Ex: "The video stars intentionally perform heroic actions highlighted in an informal, meme-like way."

(see previous comment)

To remove repetition and make the sentence less wordy you could delete "one of" here and later on in this sentence

Consider changing to "to protect"

I'm not sure if this change is necessary but because I don't see a date for when the site was created on this page (but maybe it's on the Scalar site somewhere) you could mention the specific month and year.

You could consider changing this to "occurs/happens" to differentiate from the previous sentence (which is "people doing good deeds")

Amazing introduction and hook!!! If you'd like, there's room here to add a question - "What follows after? A fade-in..."

I notice that you use the word "itself" multiple times in your writing. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all but I wonder if it is needed here or if it just adds another word to a sentence that wouldn't necessarily need it to be effective. (Stylistic choice - nothing wrong with keeping it too).

Such a great conclusion sentence : )

I think it could be beneficial to be specific with the influence here (because you were able to speak on the overall influence at the end of the next sentence). For example, "Sioux manifested Bowie's (insert specific type of influence - whether that's his "non-conformity to societal norms/expectations of gender/etc."

I think this sentence highlights your own personality and effort you put into your project. I love how truthful it feels and how you incorporate a nice balance of language that is on the formal side but also candid and conversational.

The way you draw the connections between the two artists and songs through writing is fantastic (the use of the dash, descriptors, social impacts, etc.)

I think some of the words in this sentence aren't necessarily needed (stylistic choice) and maybe you could consider deleting them depending on what you want to place emphasis on. For example, I think "itself," "Indeed," and "seemingly" fall into this category.

I notice how you use "one" as the subject in this sentence and repeat it after the comma. Maybe you could consider changing the structure to remove one/two of them. "Listening to his higher-pitched and more melodious voice in this recording can illustrate/reveal/other how people were appalled by his 'gay accent'"

I'm not sure if "more" is needed here as "higher" indicates this sentiment

What is/are the name/descriptors of the instrument?

Italicization throughout this paragraph

I think this is a great visualization of this connection and makes it clear to the reader

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Italicized

I love these sentences and think they work really well! I wonder if it could be slightly altered - this is just a stylistic choice: "Sharing these experiences and effects, these artists were..."

I love the layout of this page and how you inserted the videos for each song!

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Delete this to make the sentence more direct

This is such a great way of inserting your own thoughts and connecting it more personally to your project!

This is a great summary sentence that states your argument well and allows room to explain the complexities later in the paragraph

I wonder if there is a way to make what you're referring to here clearer or more concise. If there's a specific way to describe the topics I think stating that instead would be beneficial, and if not then deleting either "many" or "more"

There should be a period here

This is a great, clear introduction to the paragraph and integration of the quote

I love how your sentences differ in a way that is engaging and fun to read. Here, this short sentence between two longer ones works really well.

Italicized

I notice that you use "very" a couple of times in this paragraph. While it adds some emphasis I wonder if it is needed.

This is a great point but it feels a little rushed or more so of an add on

I think the content of what you are saying is excellent! It does feel a little bit repetitive about the sources so I wonder if some ideas could be condensed.

Here and in the sentence prior when you say "in this instance," I wonder if there is a way to make it clearer what you're referring to.

I think this can be condensed to make the sentence more direct.

Title of a book should be italicized. Also, I wonder if there is a name of the chapter that you could reference.

Love the question!!

The previous couple of sentences started with a word then a comma ("yet," indeed," "evidently"). I wonder if changing the structure of one or two of the sentences could help create more difference.

I think that switching these two clauses could make it clearer that it is Bowie who is applying makeup: "applying makeup and dressing his whole band in colorful shimmery outfits"

Italicized

Bowie's support

safer

I think this sentence sounds a little bit wordy. Maybe editing it to something like this could make it more concise: "Because gender non-conformity and homosexuality were intertwined during the 1970s, people viewed Bowie as a blatant homosexual who infected their children with ideas that society rejected"

I think this is a great transition

I think "almost" it is not needed here (and previously in the essay) because it softens your argument. Like in the introduction, taking out this type of language might help make the writing more assertive. Also, I love your description in this paragraph. You do such a great job of explaining how the song can make people feel.

Because you state contrary at the beginning of the sentence this is not needed

Replace with using?

The content in this sentence is awesome. I'm wondering if there are ways to remove some of the more uncertain language. Ex. "The intended effect of the acoustic guitar inserts a reliable and comfortable sound in the midst of a novel talk about the cosmos, a theme that binds the song."

I think this could be deleted

This sounds a little wordy with two words that end in "ly" - maybe you could change it to "almost exactly." Or, "12-string nearly follows the beat of the drums exactly"

I like how you bring in "we" when describing the effect of the song on the listener. It draws the reader in. I wonder if you'd like to include a recording/youtube video/link/etc. of the song so the user can listen to it before reading this (this is not needed because the user can look up the song themselves - completely a stylistic choice).

I think this word can be removed

I notice you use both at the beginning of the sentence and here - one of them can be deleted.

Because you use relationship later on in the sentence I think a different word here such as "in regards to" could reduce repetition (or changing "relationship").

Italicized

I love this opening and the description in the paragraph!!

Similar to Nic's comment in your first paragraph, I think "almost" can be deleted to drive your argument

I think the TV show should be italicized here as well

Replace with your title for the final essay.

I think your use of parenthesis in this paragraph works well and adds supporting context.

TV shows should be italicized

I notice that sound is repeated in the previous sentence and here three times. Also, to make the sentence clearer it could be rearranged or edited to something like "I explore the influence of past sounds on..." or moving "with purpose" to an earlier place in the sentence (ex. "I explore how past sounds purposefully influenced the sound of "Starman").

I think this is a great close to the paragraph. You were able to connect it back to your first sentence about how songs are pieces of music and set up a comparison for the next paragraph.

Because represents is repeated you could change one of them (ex. "to represent the alien and it's meaning/etc.") or delete the last part which makes it "to represent the alien."

I think the content of this sentence is awesome (I love how you share what made you choose the song) but it sounds a little wordy. Maybe making small edits such as removing "many" (before "complexities") or "all of" (before "the whats and whys") could make it clearer. Also, the second part of the sentence ("and even beyond, past..." could remove some words or be edited (ex. "...thought process and beyond what he intended for the song.").

I love how you pose a question here as a hook and more in the second paragraph. They work well as a preview into what you'll be exploring in the project and what the viewer should keep in mind while reading.