134 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2020
  2. dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
    Cities Heterotopias & Science Fiction S2020: Off The Grid- Christian Helms
    26
    1. annaress 21 Apr 2020

      I liked the changes you implemented, it helped the story flow better. My main suggestion is to pay attention to the commas before quotations early in the story, it looks like it's good for most of the story. Nice job!

    2. annaress 21 Apr 2020
         “Uh, okay, then let’s go get whoever it is and stop them, where are we going?” Galen asked.            “Tokyo.”

      Nice ending. That's cool

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    dis.lib.usf.edu/scalar/cities-heterotopias--science-fiction-s2020/off-the-grid--christian-helms
  3. dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
    Cities Heterotopias & Science Fiction S2020: The Experiment
    98
    1. annaress 20 Apr 2020

      I really liked the changes you made. The biggest suggestion I have is keeping consistent intentions. I assumed that a regular tab would be normal and the smaller ones I assumed to be irregular and I notated most of them but I eventually stopped. Otherwise there's just a few things to be addressed relating to punctuation, grammar and word choice. Great work!

    46. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      I stood up and soundlessly others followed, our break becoming less of a break and more of another evaluation.

      I really like this. I actually laughed reading it.

    50. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      Aura alerted us that our break was up

      You said there was a few hours of time before and they didn't talk very long so does that mean that Aura is so smart that she cut things off?

    55. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      If something as simple as this process could fail, what did that say about our water pumps or our air filtration systems? I certainly wouldn’t want to be 3.2 km deep when one of those things failed.

      This is really good, I like the thoughts being applied to real concerns

    67. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      The tests were not invasive due to the scanners the all the labs were equipped with and usually were followed with some simple questions about the current condition of the participant. The scanners recorded vitals along with bone density, internal pressure, and cognitive development among other things.

      You mention these things in the beginning but you could add these specifics not mentioned there and condense this paragraph because it is repeated information.

    71. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      Questions like, “do you miss Earth and in what way” or  “do you feel productive even with the absence of the sun,”

      Probably should include question marks on the questions.

    72. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      For example, if you had a minor breakout, it would recommend the most efficient way of getting rid of it and then procure the necessary ointment.

      This is super cool!

    74. annaress 20 Apr 2020
      Following way too many heart-rate increasing exercises and some stretching, it was time for breakfast.

      Is not consistent with plan laid out a few paragraphs above.

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    dis.lib.usf.edu/scalar/cities-heterotopias--science-fiction-s2020/the-experiment-1
  4. dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
    Cities Heterotopias & Science Fiction S2020: Off the Grid
    5
    1. annaress 07 Apr 2020 
                                Feedback Summary

      First, your story has a cool concept, it gave me some Black Panther vibes. I like the way the characters interact, it’s seamless and it does not seem forced. It was creatively done, and I like how you tied football into it, it’s a good way to make yourself part of the story you are telling. Apart from some minor punctuation errors, it is written well and tells an engaging story. I noticed that when you referred to Galen from the perspective of his parents, you wrote “Son,” I’m not sure but I think it is supposed to be lowercase because it is not his name. I think it’s different when you referred to his parents, but I could be wrong. Also, I am not sure how Galen has younger siblings if his father was abducted before Galen was born, this could be an opportunity to change the story or edit it by saying that they prepared for a situation like this, etc.<br> I like that you had elements to the story that are able to catch the attention of readers and makes them ask questions about the plot line. However, I would like to have a little bit more of an expansion on what happens after Galen’s father went home. Early in the story (after Galen arrives at Lyssa’s house), you laid out a plan about what was going to happen, and I made it so that the reader knows exactly what is coming. I think that the story could be made more exciting and it would add an element of not surprise but critical thinking for readers to be able to try to figure out what happens next. Additionally, the evenings seem repetitive and I think the story would be livelier with some different things happening during those evening hours. Perhaps a little more conversation or a card game. I liked that the story ended happily and resolved the conflict. I also felt like the scene in the beginning when Cybernetics was explained was done quickly and the character acknowledges such fact. I think the reader would have more context if we knew more about the Cybernetics building and what they do. Just fleshed out a little maybe. Furthermore, I found the introduction of the story to be excellent, it definitely caught my attention and it seems so real when you read it. I think if you use that same energy and put it into the end of the short story, you’ll leave an audience wanting to read more. Another idea is giving a glimpse of what a sequel would be like.

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    dis.lib.usf.edu/scalar/cities-heterotopias--science-fiction-s2020/off-the-grid
  5. dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
    Cities Heterotopias &amp; Science Fiction S2020: The Experiment by Sarah Ruffing
    5
    1. annaress 07 Apr 2020 
                               Feedback Summary

      The story was really well written. I especially like how you wove the flashbacks in, and it was done just at the right time. There are some minor grammatical errors that need to be fixed but it’s not a big deal right now. I addressed a discrepancy in the first annotation about the number related to the participant. I think that the concepts of the story are really creatively worked in to create a cohesive work. The beginning had some information about the planet, I think if you provided more information on that it would add more context for the reader. Additionally, I think it is interesting that the characters saw some of the same wildlife on this plant as there were in the ocean back on Earth. Additionally, I would like to know a little bit more about the investors. They seem like a very elite group. How do they plan to account for moving to this new space and continuing to have enough space when their kids start to have children of their own? It seemed like they had to do extensive testing and that things were made on Earth, how were they intending to happen as time went on. Also, I found the day numbering to be very effective in letting the reader see how much time has passed. As far as perspectives, the beginning was a little bit confusing. I really liked the information that Scientist 1 presents in the beginning, but it was kind of interesting to change to Participant 1 afterwards. It took me a minute to catch on, but it worked well. I think that in regards to the scientists and the participants, you could add more about their other life and then at the end there would be more for the reader to see happening, for instance I felt like I really only knew the story of one or two the people from the experiment. As far as the dreams go, I think it was a really clever way to sneak into the plot that they were not who they thought they were.<br> I also liked that they rebelled against the system that they were under and that information about surveillance, it really connected to some of the things we’ve talked about so far in this class. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your short story. It was easy to read, engaging to read and I think that it would make an interesting book if there were more information about the people involved in the experiment and it was going on for longer. Perhaps there could be a sneak peak into what the investors do after this happens… maybe like a preview into a possible future sequel to the short story.

    2. annaress 07 Apr 2020
      We are less than a year away, after this system is in place, the construction of the station is complete and we are on to the second phase, the cleansing,” the woman with auburn hair spoke. “Everyone’s individual approval will be needed for the selection. Be prepared for that next meeting.”

      The flashbacks are attention grabbing.

    4. annaress 07 Apr 2020
      Beads of water slowly trailed down the half-full glass sitting in front of one of the many executives. The air was cool but the sun shining in through the tall, glass windows indicated the heat present outside. A group of nine people sat around an oval-shaped table with their attention directed towards a single presenter, whose face appeared quite weathered from age. No one really knew why they were called to this meeting but it had been in the calendar for weeks, typed starkly into the pages with no explanation. When people trickled into the rather expansive room, familiar faces of wealthy business owners became apparent. Simple inquiries were thrown about but only the presenter seemed at all educated on the happenstance of the meeting. As the meeting began, a projector-like screen brought together particles of light to create a picture of a planet. “Good morning everyone, I hope to leave this gathering with not only your interest but your support. As you know our Earthly home is in ruin. We have maybe five years left to live on its surface and at what quality? With the recent discovery of the near, all saltwater planet just beyond our galaxy we have a viable future for our citizens and our future. Welcome to Project Atlantis.”

      A very captivating flashback.

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    dis.lib.usf.edu/scalar/cities-heterotopias--science-fiction-s2020/the-experiment