Shaking, Otto pulls back from the huddle and sadly says, “No matter what happens out there, never forget that your mother and I are so incredibly proud of you. You are all so brave. I love you so much”. In response, Aurora and Cookie begin to sob harder, and Blizzard’s eyes start to water. The family exchanges hugs and sentiments until they are called to their posts.
so many emotions with this bunch, very humanizing
A future that once appeared to be bleak and hopeless now appears to be full of endless possibilities.
great wrap up part to your story. It is in voice and quite conclusive. Great job Lauren!
they recognized Charles from seeing him
thank goodness
free snacks, drinks,
please and thank you, i'd stay as long as possible
Otto found himself wondering if all the humans are inherently bad, or if there are just a corrupt few who pave the way for the others.
really good character development for otto..in voice
reluctantly clapping
very in voice
So far, they have visited the Great Barrier Reef, hiked up the Blue Mountains, gone swimming at Bondi Beach, seen the towering Cape Pillar Sea Cliffs, and explored the Daintree Rainforest.
the vast amount of description here seems out of voice. If you were to maybe talk about how unique this places are in the earth and how they are in a great state right now because of less humans on earth that would help with it not seeming out of place.
They make their way to inform the Animal Union about the knowledge they gained from the meetin
this section is obviously about completely different characters and that is shown in the slight change of voice. perfect section
focuses at the task at hand. Her attention focuses back on the conversatio
"her attention is brought back to the conversation"?
messy
maybe a different word like chaotic instead. just helps to change up the writing and flow
is
was to keep in with the tense of the rest of the paragraph
injured fox
honestly a fox is such a clever choice since foxes normally are "conniving tricksters", you know swiper no swipey...its ironic and good writing he is the one that is tortured and gives up information.
The fight in Africa is already almost over. Savannah plows through homes until there are none left to destroy. Africa has been conquered
good section to show the various facets of the war and it is still in voice
jasmine
J
swill
will :)
feel
become...instead?
flags down
im imagining a snake with a flag and im smiling. not necessary whatsoever to do anything to this, just wanted to comment and share :)
grab
grabbed
Her mind goes blank as she centers her focus solely on strangling one of the men keeping watch. She looks around for a human to kill,
"one of the men keeping watch..." Is she looking around for a human or did she find one keeping watch?
After about thirty minutes of reviewing the plan over and over again, Nicki was starting to lose her patience. She didn’t even particularly want to fight, but she would rather fight right now and get it over with than listen to her war general go over the plan one more time. Sulking, she makes her way to the back of the group. There are only a few more minutes until the snakes make their move.
interesting paragraph. I am bouncing between it being in voice and needed and out of voice and somewhat unnecessary.
to wake up and attack
not necessary/redundant, context already provides this
xplains the plan by saying, “The plan
seems a little clunky...explains the plan by saying, "The plan.." maybe just have the general cut to the chase... "We are going to wait until nightfall, move slowly....."
Otto is so concerned about his son that he fails to recognize that the battle is over. The animals have won.
This is a good section. Like Payton says, its realistic and in voice too. There are no clunky conversations or unnecessary parts to it.
To make announcements, the war generals send out thousands of birds that can relay their messages
thank you for including this but it seems a little awkward in its current state.. if I may suggest... "...around 10,000. The war generals send out thousands of birds to relay their messages. They announce that the battle is expected to last about one more day if it continues progressing like it has been. Otto is amazed...
Although he is angry with humans, Otto decides to be gentle, and leaves the only living human to die from the disease. Based on his feeble appearance, the man was likely going to die soon anyways.
really in voice with the empathetic nature of both otto and many of the animals...they don't want to kill just to kill.
They have all promised to remain within sight of one another, but Otto knows that none of them expect this plan to work perfectly. They end up periodically meeting with Blizzard and Cookie, w
seems contradictory but maybe not.
hundred
hundreds
Otto and his family decide to split up into teams of two. Otto fights with Aurora, and Blizzard fights with Cookie. Otto and Aurora enter the first house.
May not be the case, but the fact that they promise each other to stay in sight of each other during the battle and then they just decide to split up seems off to me. May work since wars get messy and you know "best laid plans often go astray."
sickle cell disease
if you changed it to malaria and or encephalitis it would be more realistic. Sickle cell is inherited. You don't have to change this, its just a thought. :)
has
have :)
They should be returning any minute to announce their decision.
This is out of voice. It reads like someone in the story is saying it. Yet again as I read it more than once, it seems fine. Well maybe the sentence isn't necessary.
He remains in his seat, deep in thought
This section is a great set up for possibilities of where the story will go. Obviously your story is called WW3 but the fact that there is a possibility for peace leads the reader to not know where the story is going. Its good and consistent voice so far.
I believe that we should wipe out the human species completely. That is the only way to stop them from doing more damage than they already have
same as with Savanna
Otto watches Savannah shuffle back to her seat.
I think when Savanna speaks its a good change in voice. Its distinct from Otto's and the narrator.
his
him? :)
“I am sure you are all aware of the current crises occurring around the globe. The human species seems to be causing the temperature of the globe to increase, which has had massive consequences on many of our habitats. On top of this global warming, humans have been burning many of the forests that we call home. Many animal species have become extinct, and some are currently on the brink of extinction. Many of our species have been hunted for sport by humans, and their furs or tusks taken for pleasure. The treatment of animal species as lesser by humans has reached new heights. Something needs to be done about the massive maltreatment of our habitats and our species”.
This does a great job staying in voice while giving the reader more information about what is happening to animals around the entire world. More than what our original characters might have known
They are arranged around a circular section, similarly to how flower petals are arranged around the center of a flower.
I don't know if referencing a flower is in voice. We have followed a polar bear family for most of the story and referencing a flower seems a little off at this point. to me. Its a good analogy I just do not know if it fits.
After checking to confirm that all three cubs are sleeping soundly, Otto’s chest begins to heave, and tears begin to escape from his eyes.
this section is still in voice and we are giving meaning to the overall story from Ember and the beginning portion. well written
fallen
maybe "has dropped between the ice into the ocean"
your story not mine...just thoughts :)
To avoid falling in, Ember is forced to quickly fall backwards
double word just seems like you could change it up to be more descriptive. Maybe "To avoid falling in, Ember is forced to quickly throw herself backwards" ? Just kidding throw is too strong... maybe you don't even need "to avoid falling in". You have already mentioned that going into the water can be dangerous so Ember would naturally avoid it.
This probably seems insignificant to humans, but to polar bears and the organisms that live in freezing climates, this gradual warming of the globe has already had severe consequences.
The fact that you are discussing the humans seems out of voice to me. You havent discussed them yet and putting them into the story here as not caring about climate change seems early. Maybe, maybe not! :) Otherwise this paragraph does a good job catching the reader up with climate change and its effect on the arctic and its inhabitants. Your voice is getting more directed at the possible dangers from climate change.
This time, rather than focusing on the water beneath the ice, she focuses her attention on the ice itself.
this may be petty but I would try to use a different word other than focus here since you have used it more than once. maybe concentrate or direct "This time, rather than concentrating on the water beneath the ice, she directs her attention to the ice (on top) instead."
she does
she doesn't? or does
yesterday wa
yesterday's instead of yesterday was.
mber is unsure about this, as she has never taken the cubs on a hunt before.
obviously i know what happens but the voice here (still consistent from the previous section) leads to foreshadowing about something going wrong...which is good!
to join her for the hunt today.
I would change it to either "aurora asks if she can join her for the hunt today" or just take away "today". It sounds like you somewhat quoting Aurora and paraphrasing her. the reader already knows that Ember is leaving today so it is unnecessary in my unprofessional opinion :) your choice though
be
been :)
She lays down near her mate, and just before drifting to sleep, she feels two small, warm bodies snuggle up next to her
This first section's is clear and consistent. It is somewhat sad and dark which helps set the setting for a world that is harsh on the animals.
Payton, this is a very good story that keeps in voice through the majority. I would just read through some of your dialogues to make sure that they match with the person speaking. Also I highlighted some repeated words or word choice sort of issues. They are just suggestions about having better flow with changing words or if something else sounds better. Take or leave any of it :) Also I highlighted a couple cliches, some seem out of place in your story for your voice. I enjoyed this second draft a lot and think with some of the suggested changes you have a great story!
Today, we stand before you proud to announce a variety of changes. Allow me to share some” On the screen the statistics were projected as she spoke. “Heart disease has almost been entirely eradicated. We are also proud to announce that the few cases left are the result of hereditary causes. There are officially no more cases that are the result of malnutrition.
this is a great way to talk about the changes without it just being a narrated "catch up" for the reader
That was a big part of why she decided to step down. Once the city was in a good place and all the citizens shared the same values, she saw no reason to continue leading the way. In fact, she believed in giving others a chance to add their beliefs and fundamental truths to the regulations and pot of ideas. Xavier had been hesitant, given his headstrong do it yourself nature, but after a few months of slowly allowing more and more outside control, he eventually saw the world wouldn’t end and gave in.
In voice...if they became true dictators that would have been weird
Energy cycling was one of the latest methods for green energy production
so damn cool
Handing the gift bags by hand out one by one
I've realized that you have made person to person contact in your story very important to Lairen.. you stay very in voice when thats what Lairen wants to do
e impact the new food system would have, both the intentional effects on health and well-being but also the unintentional effects that were yet to be seen.
this paragraph is very in voice and a good continuation of NYC's changes as a city.
placed at least 300 recipe books into the bands
placed into hands or sent into bands?
n
N
The past few weeks had been all about production of the show and recording it. At first it was unnatural for Lairen and left her feeling out of place and awkward. These feelings only made her more nervous on television and definitely not the type of leader somebody would respect. However, it only took a few words of encouragement from Xavier to help her out of her funk. He simply told her to think of it as trying to help America, as they had done so many times before. This is just another example of how Americans needed her guidance in navigating these new uncharted waters. Plus, this was another example of sparking inspiration in others and making light on new values a person may have. In a world such as the one many of these people had been brought up in, cooking was not something done. Ever. So, logically how could someone know if they did indeed enjoy cooking or not.
This is somewhat odd but in voice. Brings in what Lairen has always wanted to do and what healthment wants to accomplish
free digital recipe books out to each household, through their identification brands
hey you made the recipe books digital :D smart
Like Lairen was quick to point out, it’s not like they were the type of goods that would bruise on the way down
this is pretty snappy, i like it
The two nations had recently been in contact and knowing their culture,
When did alaska become its own nation? when you exiled the nonhealth nuts there? also just out of curiousity, if the people in alaska are the ones who do not want to live healthy lifestyles how long are they going to live for. I mean is the country even going to last? just morning thoughts not important to your story lol
brim
brink instead?
reveled
revealed :)
Bringing her to Washington was Lairen’s dream
why is this her dream? whats wrong with her mom living in NYC?
Since her heart attack
does she start the story having had a heart attack?
he lack of fresh food seemed to be a big concern among the mass of Washington, DC. This was definitely an idea for the next progress da
why is there no fresh fruit? where did it go and will you talk about its progress day to fix it? if you don't it may be irrelevant to mention it...I would be interested though if you did a second progress day section talking about something else Lairen and Xavier do
to
not needed
through the city
phrase may not be necessary with the context provided.
Incentivizing instead of controlling.
economics :)
the first set of laws would begin to be enforced.
I would add a single line about Congress being disbanded or something. or being put on indefinite recess. (so it can be brought back in the future)
lift off
ease up?
About 75%
about 75% of americans?
The dynamic was beautiful, one which was collectively unified, yet individually separate.
this is a good visual
“Sorry ma’am, though you’re not the president, technically you are leader of the free world. And technically we’re not the secret service, but technically you shouldn’t leave without some kind of protection
are all the technically's necessary?
the nagging feeling t
a nagging sensation?...double feeling sounds repetitive
That you place your trust in us as fellow humans, and that you allow us to show you the way.”
i think since healthment has now taken over, you have a slight change of voice and thats good. It helps show the change in the story.
to be feared
but do not resist them either
2
two, any number below ten flows better written out
r stood together as they sat
are they standing or sitting?
The plan was eventually to incentivize more rigorous activity, as well as more activity
did you mean to say activity twice?
Also, the government definitely underestimated the support the group had.
did they fly under the radar or the government knew about them but just didn't care
meeting,
maybe add Healthment meeting here, brings back what meeting we're talking about
It seemed like each day they almost grew in numbers by a quarter.
I would move the word almost to after by. If you are trying to make it that they gained almost a quarter more of people. it sounds off to me being where it is now.
health to America”
maybe capitalize Health since it is somewhat of slogan or tagline?
the power buzzed in her ears
oo good word choice. sets the stage for why she is at the white house
stepped down from the platform.
found what they were standing on...ignore me
below them,
where are they standing? is the crowd around them?
hese have always served as a constant reminder in my life, that as cliché as it may sound, my body is a temple and I must take care of it or suffer the consequences.
keeping in voice
floated
word choice?
The number of people who clicked the “I’m interested!” button had far exceeded both her and Xavier’s expectations, and the dilemma of where the meeting would be held quickly sprung. The normal meeting rooms couldn’t hold everyone, that is if all 300 of them showed up. But at the same time, they felt it was not the best use of their money to rent out a hall or anything like that to host the meeting, especially if it became a weekly thing. In a moment of inspiration, the perfect area to host hit her right in the head. The development, and as Lairen always had in the back of her mind- a lack of regard for the environment, in the city now left the area lacking the earthy richness it possessed years ago. Parks were rare, and unfortunately far from where she lived, and everywhere else had buildings and roads which made a big gathering virtually impossible. However, the one gem of the city, Lairen most favorite place to visit, had plenty of room for gathering and sharing ideas. When she asked Miss Dorothy her idea, of using the farmers market as her venue for the meeting, the old lady was overjoyed. “Yes! Of course, you can” she had exclaimed. “In fact, I think its such a good idea I may just attend myself!” Fast forwarding back to today,
this seems confusing with timeframe...maybe these two paragraphs can go before the "After daily errands paragraph and then scrap "fast forwarding to today"?
Dorothy her idea, of using the farmers market as her venue for the meeting, the old lady was overjoyed. “Yes! Of course, you can” she had exclaimed. “In fact, I think its such a good idea I may just attend myself!”
was this by phone right after her moment of inspiration?
There’s one right after this actually
how late is it at night??
You, being who you are,
seems awkward..maybe not necessary?
“Screw it” He sighed, “I’m just gonna go for it”
I have read this before but both times I have thought he was going to kiss her... lmao
He truly believed they would change the world.
foreshadowingish.. this is all.in voice.. just commenting :)
Lucky for her
so lucky
and for the heart in her chest
good tie into her family heart issues
He was so fiery about expressing what he believed in, in a way that completely juxtaposed her gentle nature. Instead of being taken aback, she had nothing but admiration and desire to channel into the energy he possessed.
good character development here that I know will be important later.
Through the conference window she saw Xavier’s short brown hair and bright eyes and smiled.
it has begun
To Lairen, it was truly a breath of fresh air to be around people who had such similar thoughts and practices to her own.
good in voice. brings us back to how much Lairen cares and wants to make and difference and she is not alone in this world
She had just run to the hospital and was still in her running gear when they delivered her mom’s meal and seeing the clothes she was wearing they took a leap and invited her.
I would split this sentence up.
hour or two
I don't think this should be up in the air. If she has a meeting she is going to wouldn't she leave at a specific time? might be petty
chowed down.
chowed down sounds weird here, kinda out of voice.
She scanned her citizen ID bracelet against the metal door,
oh so the ID bracelets already exist...hmmmnnn
others
others'
is
not needed?
The McDonald’s building and the tempting, but dangerously unhealthy smell of French fries being emitted out of it.
I think this is an incomplete sentence
don’t like to cover high risk patients for a fair price.
I was thinking maybe you could include something where it was illegal to leave off any medical history? technically with our current insurance system we do not have to put full medical history. Dont read too into this, you can ask me about it if you really care, otherwise just forget it and leave it, it still works perfectly fine :)
Insurance companies don’t like to cover high risk patients for a fair price.
yeah thats adverse selection for you lol woo economics :)
These were the rare times the
just kidding this makes the peaks make more sense
experiencing peaks
still seems confusing to me. good peaks? bad peaks?
Overall, I think you have a great story. There is definitely a beginning middle and end that work cohesively. I am most interested in the organization and it taking over the government. It then eventually did a lot to change society which was cool, and you described the different things well. I know you probably did it on purposely, but congress, state and local governments were left out. I’m guessing in Healthment’s takeover those institutions ended? I also think that you could consider removing your “prologue.” It may not be necessary given that you do mention many of the things in that part throughout the story. For me if I read the story without that part, I think I would focus mostly on the environmental and health affects that Healthment’s formation and governance had on society. You did a pretty good job referencing and including the city as a character as Dr. Bush “asked” for. I think the chapter about Lairen going to get her mom may not be necessary to your overall plot. Lairen and Xavier talking and becoming even closer could probably happen anywhere or anytime in your story. Regardless of some of my “critiques” you have a story that resonates with me and probably many others when it comes to health and that if the government forced it on people, we would be better off. I think though that maybe it would be more than 4% of the US that would say no to it. Great conflicts and resolutions and an interesting outlook and story of a future where a health/environmental group runs the country.
The year was 2120, and she was a lightning force. The year was 2120 and the world was out of time. The year was 2120 soon everything would change. The year was 2120 and now the year is 2140. The year is 2140 and the earth is proud to be and the earth is proud of its inhabitants.
this is an interesting end but I like it
That was a big part of why she decided to step down. Once the city was in a place of good and all the citizens shared the same values, she saw no reason to continue leading the way. In fact, she believed in giving others a chance to add their believes and fundamental truths to the regulations and pot of ideas. Xavier had been hesitant, given his headstrong do it yourself nature, but after a few months of slowly allowing more and more outside control, he eventually saw the world wouldn’t end and gave in.
so did it go back to a democracy with elections of Lairen and Xavier choose their successor?
shebang
hahah maybe a different word than shebang, its a little informal
Lairen took the morning for what it was.
did we just get rid of the risks of them running from earlier?
had hand put
had personally placed? may sound a bit better
some of the recipes in the book were those that she had enjoyed on her first couple of meetings in the hospital many years ago
recipes to id badge comment does not really work anymore
free recipe books out to each household
maybe recipes could be sent to everyone id bands?
The two nations had recently been.
alaska its own nation now?
fast food system in America would be abolished, as well as any junk food, or overly processed food.
noooo
hey became to dedicated to fitness and to the environment
shouldnt they already know this about each other?
It made Lairen both wonder and understand why people do drugs
this is a little random, you go on to explain but i think its an odd thought for lairen to have
Incentivizing instead of controlling
does it matter where this money is coming from? major taxes?
America
american
drift off.
to sleep?
and when she was alone back in New York
they all ran to New York?
Washington city
washington city or washington dc
explained Derek, who had been a supporter from the beginning.
maybe add her arguing with them with a sentence or two? like its no big deal or ill be fine.
a
and
f the minimum amounts were not reached citizens would be faced with fines followed by jail time, and finally exile.
well shit this just turned course
Xavier and his buddies from the science lab had developed a technological update for the identification bracelets
seems like the start of some government mandated surveillance
Xavier and Lairen,
are they co presidents of the country now?
The fact that the government takeover had actually occurred, was in all honesty the government’s own fault.
what the what?
teps of the white hous
like the white house of the president? maybe some capital letters for White House and add "in DC"?
The unity to come in the future would be powerful and they both knew it.
this chapter does a good job setting up this new group and explaining Lairen's role in it and that she is starting to be uplifted further by it
Fast forwarding back to today,
I dont really know when to jump, may be clearer just without this
Parks were rare, and unfortunately far from where she lived, and everywhere else had buildings and roads which made a big gathering virtually impossible.
i think this might be better in two sentences
With a smile Xavier hugged her extra tight before shutting the door behind her and heading home.
I am fairly intrigued about there this is going. a good starting chapter
The group met on the waterfront each day, and sometimes traveled as a group other places in the city but also frequently fought to protect the oceans and waterfront. Today they were going to be spreading awareness on ocean pollution and how each person’s carbon footprint affects the ocean as well.
does lairen know this or are we learning this from Xavier while they head to the group meeting.
Lucky for her, Xavier was her partner.
well yeah, lucky for her.
. Instead of being taken aback, she had nothing but admiration and desire to channel into the energy he possessed.
im agreeing with Lauren's comment...the sexual tension seems apparent, at least from one side.
Through the conference window she saw Xavier’s short brown hair and bright eyes and smiled
Does age matter?
group dinner for the week
group dinner? what group?
enormous portioned burgers
"enormously portioned burgers" maybe if you want to keep portioned
The government governs
is this a duplicate word...removed governs?
The general ideology of the United States population is that they will not be alive long enough to be affected
sounds probably true
I believe you have a very thought out and well-structured story overall. You have multiple story conflicts that are resolved including the main story plot of the human destruction of the earth with the human population being significantly decreased and them changing their way of life. I enjoyed the various animals who each had different reasons for not only fighting when it came time for the war but also initially in wanting the war to occur. I think you do a good job describing each fight and make them interesting and different with each character involved. There are only a couple minor “holes” that I think are truly up to you if you want to address them, including the communication between animals during the war, ie war announcements, the food chain and how that really works during war time, and how the animals travel between continents since it would probably take them awhile to do so. I think that like I mentioned earlier, your story has a lot of good conflicts to resolve and keep the reader interested. I will say that definitely keeping the third “fighter” (Savannah’s story) shorter helped with keeping interest in the overall arch of the war plot of the animals’ success. There is no moment when I become too lost or bored in the story especially since you start to wrap things up and speed some time along at the end to reach your final resolution and conclusion. This really helps with ensuring that the reader’s attention is held throughout your story while still giving enough time to the build up to the war, the actual war events, and the final events that occur afterwards. Like I will continue to say, there is definite emotion and good thought-provoking elements in your story, and I believe that way you personified the animals makes their issues and dilemmas more relatable and able to connect with. As a human (funny to type this) reading your story, I can think more about the emotions animals have and that makes me have a better connection. Lastly, this is fiction and I’m thinking that the animals being this active and knowledgeable lead into the science fiction part. Regardless of a direct and obvious science fiction feel, this is an amazing story that keeps you engaged and brings about emotions about humans’ destruction of earth and its impacts on humans.
Although Bernie is sad to see the destruction of half the United States, a nation that was once full of pride and righteousness,
if there was only 15000 humans left, how many remain in the US or overall?
Donald Trump, has recently released a statement that the American people will no longer stand to be told what to do by the animals
I see why you chose trump now
We hope that this end of human domination will bring about a period of abundant nature and a healthy earth. Thank you”
i dont believe it.
Nicki could never keep up with Jasmine, so the duo always lagged behind. Since they tried it for the first time, they have stuck with it. Now, it’s a battle ritual for the duo.
interesting...this is pretty cool
he watches kangaroos as they box with one another, dingoes chasing each other around the camp, crocodiles sunbathing, spiders crawling up trees to spin their webs, snakes slithering around, Tasmanian devils lazily sitting in the shade, and cane toads hopping around. She also notices some animals that have clearly been brought into the fight as reinforcements. Lions, tigers, jaguars, elephants, and poison dart frogs are also present in the camp. Jasmine and Nicki find some shade to rest in before they have to fight.
is there a pause on the animal food chain during this time?
impossible for animals to even make their way onto the continent to fight
how did Nicki and Jasmine get there?
Jasmine and Nicki enjoyed fighting together in South America so much that they volunteered to join the fight in Australia.
is it important to know how they traveled between continents?
Trump
i honestly think maybe a generic President name would work here since as payton says, Trump would be old as hell
their favorite food is pigs.
so animals band together for this war but yet still keep the food chain going?
“It’s okay! I’m not usually this jumpy. I’m just really nervous for this fight. I’m not much of a fighter, but I was pretty much forced into joining the army.
ahh a meet up of pacifists
Emmanuelle flags down a messenger bird,
is this how the animals get their announcements maybe?
Nicki, a green anaconda
i see the reference lol
Prior to the American attack, the animals suffered little to no casualties.
when you mention earlier that there was "already there are massive amounts of casualties" do you mean human casualties or animal casualties? this statement seems contradictory
After lunch, Otto and his family return to the fight.
Did they go on a picnic or say timeout? I would say something about them stopping for lunch? just seems a little weird for them to stop fighting and then go back to fighting. i can be wrong though :)
another announcement from the war generals is released
I agree with payton, where are the announcements from. Maybe say early on how they receive communications then there wont be confusion
They periodically meet up with Blizzard and Cookie, who seem to have encountered similar situations
this seems contradictory to the point that they will try to remain in sight of one another. I know it says that plan may not work but it may be better to just remove it maybe? Maybe restructure: "They have all promised to remain within sight of one another, but Otto knows that none of them expect this plan to work perfectly."
the man was likely going to die soon anyways
some showing of compassion is interesting.
Already there are massive amounts of bloodshed.
I'd just say a comma after already for a litle bit better flow. but to me "there are" sounds right with "amounts".
billions of humans
Well that is significant
Preparations for war will begin now
Oh it is on now.
meeting is now resumed.
I agree with Payton, maybe the "sharing" or "commenting period" is resumed?
I
hold them liable, good! thats economics at work!
It would only add to the number of animal lives lost
thats a good point.
They have technology more advanced than ours. Even if we came out of the war victorious, we would lose a lot of lives fighting.
I'm just imagining war for the planet of the apes
I believe that we should wipe out the human species completely.
Uh-oh. ditto to Payton- very radical.
Many species have now become endangered, including scalloped hammerheads and great hammerheads.
Im guessing this is true since you put it in there and it seems fairly specific; if it is, its a good call to ethos. it also gives your story a good backing.
whatever we can to fix the problem”.
whatever we can? definitely building up my expectation of something drastic which is good.
Savannah
good name
Everyone appears to be nervous, clearly not wanting to be the first one to speak up about their experiences
Classic experience with large groups, I'm glad its true with animal gatherings too :)
His laugh quickly turns into a wistful smile as he wishes that his partner was alive to see this.
I am really intrigued so far, since you have done such a good job of describing everything. I can imagine it all and I feel emotion for Otto. Like Payton says, I am sad about a fake polar bear dying but its cause you gave it emotion and a face and name.