I think it represents the duality that I like to wrestle with in my life.
My goal is to turn my conflict into a positive, which is how I typically try to approach my problems. I like my movement from conflict to resolution in this piece because it takes a very specific issue (my lactose intolerance) and resolves it in a big picture manner, revealing deeper meaning.
During a particular free-writing session, with the goal of creating a character web about myself, I thought about networks.
This was somewhat of a response to my personal narrative, basically the product of a less-serious brainstorm. I chose not to go down this path for the narrative assignment, but I still felt that the story deserved to be told.
I love cereal, but how cereal and I have a tricky relationship. I could tell volumes of accounts of my favorite cereals, meaningless from an outside perspective. I could ramble on about phases that I went through, cereals that I used to like that I don’t like anymore, cereals that I like now that I didn’t before. I could bore you with how I felt during the period of life when I ate Frosted Flakes everyday or what eating Raisin Bran (with TWO scoops of raisins) reminds me of. The truth is that over time, they all lose their charm (especially Lucky Charms which just don’t taste as mind-bendingly delicious as they did in 2004). They all begin to taste the same after the first few bites. What I’m really concerned with here is what makes cereal CEREAL, the second of cereal’s two ingredients. It’s what makes the sugary, shredded up wheat and corn flakes into a transcendent and beloved American breakfast meal. I’m talking about milk.
This all came straight from my pen. This passage essentially constituted my free-write from that day. The subject matter is something that was easy for me to get excited about, especially because it's something that I think/talk about frequently. I knew, however, when the allotted time finished, that I wanted to go further. I wanted to bring it full circle and articulate what this goofy chunk of writing really revealed about me.
The “college freshman version” of the shower takes us to a whole other level of weakness. A freshman is at the mercy of an alien environment with strange puddles of tainted water in the corner and showermates he’s known for only a few months
While looking for ways to improve my introduction, it seemed essential to present the college shower as a place as I experienced it, and as I assumed others had, too. This served to make my subject more tailored to my audience of a college student. It also helped me ease into the next paragraph about my typical shower at BC.
You enter dirty, cover yourself in gels and crèmes made of chemicals you’ve never heard of, rinse with that life-giving water, and leave feeling as fresh as the day you were born.
I wanted my description of the shower process to be vivid, while using as few words as possible. In my original draft I under-compensated in a way that left it a little confusing and looser than I had wanted. By specifying and exaggerating a bit in this section, I think I better guided the reader towards understanding the image I tried to frame.
I can understand that there are things that I can’t understand. The shower holds no judgment. It only holds me for as long as I wish. The shower proves to me that nothing is simple; everything that seems simple has multiple layers to it. Something as simple as water, the basis for any form of life, has a molecular level (H2O), a practical level (drinking, cleansing), and it also takes on many different forms (liquid and vapor are the ones present in the shower). This troubles me because the simplest answer is generally accepted as the best.
I find this addition crucial to my formation of a REAL conclusion. The idea I attempt to tie together was difficult for me to put into words at first because of its abstract nature. I allow some appropriate space for a mix of clarification and juxtaposition that I was missing without my added insights. I also think that before I included these sentences, the paper lacked a conclusion with a meditative tone, which I saw as an essential goal of the project.
When I feel a cool drip hit the top of my head I know it’s from a different source. That tear from the ceiling may have been forming for hours, maybe since my last shower. This reminds me of truths about life. Something so inconsequential as a drop of water, so miniscule that by itself it cannot quench any thirst or clean a person, can make me consider the cyclical nature of life. That single drop has always been around and always will be around in some form or another, and I will have to take a shower again tomorrow.
I did not include this passage in my original draft. I think it shows some serious development of my previously unfinished ideas. In this scenario, the editing process taught me that, while I may think my insight might be sufficient or if I don't know where to take it, there is always room to dig a little deeper.
I find vulnerability such a crucial element to being human because it reveals us to ourselves. It allows me to look at myself from a third person view.
The decision to clarify and personalize my idea of vulnerability highlighted its importance, better characterized my place, and helped set the tone for the rest of my reflection and analysis.
Ever since I was a little child, I have always had people, whether it be my parents or teachers, preparing me for certain situations.
I would suggest maybe starting with an intriguing image, something that gets the reader interested. Something mysterious about the girl or how her eyes looked or something could really build suspense right away.
Yet, I wore an eerily large grin the moment my parents left me at my dorm for the semester.
The word 'eerily' gives off a weird vibe. I suggest expanding on the paradox of going from sad to happy. How did you get from crying to eerily smiling?
Boston College (BC) is a private, Jesuit, liberal arts university located in Boston, MA.
I like the conflict that emerges from your differences with BC, but rather than telling us what we already know, you could expand on your perception of BC before you came here. What were your thoughts on the school, the city, and the country, before you got on the plane?
I lost it all when I came to college.
this intro is very dramatic, but it doesn't offer much when it comes to your central conflict. I think some rephrasing can build tension and remain relevant at the same time.
After I sat down in the passenger seat and exchanged greetings with the driver
After this change in setting you could add more sight--how did the car look, smell, sound like--and turn it into insight.
The woman at the front desk told us to wait in the chairs for the nurse to come out. Patiently, we waited. And we waited.
this could be a good opportunity to include some vivid imagery. really set the scene and describe how the room and people looked.
Additionally, we make decisions on what we post on Facebook based on the different types of friends we have. Our self-presentation on Facebook is based on trying to appeal to all of our friends rather than saying what we truly think.
I think that you could strengthen this point with an example what a person might do to build this online persona.
The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was a smart, creative and effective way to raise money and awareness for ALS research, even though many of its participants were accused of slacktivism.
In the conclusion, asking a question about the future of slactivism or internet fundraising could effectively make an open ending to continue the conversation.
Justin Bieber has been nothing short of a dominant figure in the world of pop culture since his rise to fame in 2008 with the success of his first single “One Time”.
For the first sentence of this paper, you could use a more powerful hook. Use phrasing that really grabs the reader's attention
Going to classes, homework, meetings, and writing essays are no longer menial annoyances, but have a greater significance in the trajectory of my college career.
Consider revising to give a more figurative tone. Essays and meeting can still be annoying, but Gasson symbolizes that they are for a greater purpose.
The rare times when I have the room to myself,
You spend a lot of time on your dorm. I would focus more on the place in question. Use some of this space to talk more about the amphitheater.
Either way you probably would have believed what I said.
I wouldn't risk alienating your audience by being so aggressive. Try rewording to convey the same message.
“hard-core young urban black guys”
Try integrating more direct quotes to bolster your credibility. Remember to cite!
Wallace further develops his likable persona as an author, but with an element of honest communication between the author and reader that almost imperceptibly grounds his underlying argument for communication that compromises, but is fully honest.
I had to read this a couple time to fully process the message. maybe only use "honest" once. Simplify or use the opportunity for a good transition.