- Nov 2019
-
dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
-
Jenette Ershwan
Could expand on Janette's background.
-
The additions you made to the original draft are perfect! I really enjoyed being able to read more about Lizzie and her interactions with Jacqueline; she felt more real and three-dimensional, which makes it that much more devastating and complicated when she dies. Since I already knew what was going to become of her, I had a complete “OH SHIT, NO!” moment when she revealed her true intentions to Jacqueline. For new readers, her death is going to come as a complete shock and plot twist, especially since High Rhodes won the court case. Oh my God, I literally screamed over that ending. Jakob and Jacqueline get together?? What an iconic surprise! Not only is this another great twist, but it really emphasizes how bittersweet the story ends, and ties in perfectly with Jacqueline’s speech in the previous chapter. In such a short amount of time, I have come to adore your characters and the story they support. Great work! After realizing these short stories are going to be submitted to something greater, I decided to be a little more nit-picky about my annotations. I know it looks like a lot, but it is all really minor stuff just to polish it for publication -- I would hate for you to lose points over accidental double periods and things like that. Other than the grammatical corrections, there isn’t much else you need to change. Plot-wise, everything is solid. I guess there is always room to add setting and character details, but I personally don’t think those are necessities for your piece? It’s up to you, really; whatever you feel like you need to add (if anything). You still need a title though -- which is probably the hardest part to write now. My only suggestion would be to keep it vague; since you have so many surprises, you don’t want the title to give anything away. Anyway, great job, Andrew! You are a phenomenal writer, and you have written an equally phenomenal piece! I don’t know if you free write in your free time, but you definitely should! People could stand to read more from you. :)
-
“Yeah, Jacqueline. I’ll always be committed,” he gave as his final answer. He put his hand on hers. They shared a kiss in front of Memories in Grey. She fell back asleep in his arms on the couch.
WHAT. WHAT.
-
everything
Given everything?
-
what could he be doing here?
This could be its own sentence.
-
She still slept in the guest room, not quite ready to take over Lizzie’s massive master bedroom.
Aww :(
-
Sleep (possibly).
LOL
-
was
"Were".
-
“Set it up,” Jacqueline told the party planner.
What a badass.
-
In fact, Lizzie was an extreme example of the cold corporate America, and she had been killed because of it.
Ouch.
-
Billionaire tech mogul Lizzie Rhode killed by a protestor outside Supreme Court Building.
Should more of this be capitalized since it's a headline?
-
bid them,
Bid them farewell?
-
the
Maybe cut this out.
-
Jacqueline thought to herself.
Does she still have doubts despite Lizzie's true intentions?
-
A single gunshot rang out.
GodDAMMIT.
-
But his emphatic 7-1 loss seemed to define him entirely at this moment.
I feel so bad for him. :(
-
Jacqueline
"Lizzie"?
-
Jacqueline met with her attorney, Mr. Bowman, and Lizzie went to the gallery viewing area.
Is it supposed to be the other way around (with the names)?
-
she saw her sister in the grand hallway. She knew her sister well; she wasn’t surprised that her sister was there early.
Repetitive, but I know it's hard to reword sentences with multiple people of the same sex speaking.
-
All Jakob could muster, as his heart-rate slowed down, was a timid, “Yeah.”
A great line. :)
-
“I know,” said Stephen, “Except she’s been researching it for years.” he remarked as they took their virtual seats.
Take out one of the tags here; I would take out "said Stephen" and move his name over to "he remarked".
-
informed why
Maybe add "of" between these two.
-
three foot by three foot
Not sure if there should be hyphens between "three" and "foot" or not.
-
it
Replace with "and".
-
the
"With"?
-
weeks with
Maybe break this sentence up with an em dash here.
-
posted
Cut this out.
-
. Stephen
", who..."
-
“Jackie, that’s the point!” Jacqueline did not expect that response, to say the least. “If we win this thing, if we can buy this thing, we can fund these people to create. We can let them make careers out of it. We can maintain software and improve hardware. I have the ability to do all of this, through High Rhodes,” Lizzie said with a twinkle in her eye. “Well, if that was true, why wouldn’t you tell them? I mean, those are the opposite of the things they think you’ll do,” said Jacqueline. “You know corporate trust is practically an oxymoron in this day and age. I want to get the verdict, then do the good. That’s the only way they’ll believe me.” “Right now, thousands hate you. Is that really worth it?” Jacqueline asked. “They might hate me now, but they’ll love me soon.”
NOOOOO LIZZIE I'm gonna lose my mind LMAO
-
them
Period.
-
with, which
Think these are supposed to be switched around?
-
he
Could put his name here if you want.
-
, Fernando.
Unnecessary.
-
the
Take this out.
-
Shit, Lizzie thought to herself, nothing is private anymore.
Whoops lol
-
Jacqueline Rhodes had made an argument that Simulation 313 provided the outside world with something of value. It was the true spirit of Sim 313 - even the most unlikely people can become heroes.
Is this dialogue?
-
.
Cut out a period.
-
Throughout
Not that it's a huge deal, but maybe Kyle should address the justices as a whole before continuing.
-
“open source”
These quotation marks should be apostrophes.
-
Justice”
Missing a comma here.
-
said.
I'm noticing that you use "said" quite often. I would look for different tags to use, like "replied" and "answered" (don't take out every said though).
-
way
Add a comma.
-
as
Maybe make this "as hard".
-
,
Cut out this comma.
-
world; Damian thought that the 313’s usefulness may be an exaggeration. But he had to admit that the citizens of the 313 had made incredible achievements in a small amount of time.
Turn the semicolon into a period, and the period into a comma.
-
.
Cut out a period.
-
Gralelyn
"Gracelyn"?
-
“Honor, Courage, Commitment” are the Navy’s core values. Yeah, buddy. I’m still committed, Damian thought to himself, hoping Jakob knew how he felt. The truth, however, was that the case was about more than helping an old friend at this point.
I really enjoy this tie-in.
-
,
This comma could be taken out.
-
“Driven Technology Solutions”
Did you change the name of the company?
-
to
"The"?
-
Case #31293729
Add a comma and the end of the number.
-
Besides, she was quite happy with her purchase of Memories in Grey by Gracelyn O’Carroll.
LMAO, love that.
-
. B
One sentence again.
-
. B
Make this one sentence.
-
, s
Start a new sentence here.
-
-
Is this here for a reason?
-
constructing
"Constructed".
-
“Those were real works created by real artists, not some lazy bum who spends all day in some virtual world creating virtual pieces of crap. Do you know how much bad publicity this could bring if it gets out? I’m trying to argue to the goddamn Supreme Court later today that one individual can own an entire virtual rendition of a city, and own everything created within it. How would it look if the sister of that individual was purchasing art from that virtual city’s fake artists? It would look really bad, Jacqueline, really bad.”
Not sure how you feel about italics, but I would find some way to emphasize some words here. Lizzie speaks very intensely, so the text should reflect that.
-
Jacqueline knew better than to interrupt her sister when she was this heated; you don’t get to be the richest woman in the tech industry without a ruthless reputation.
Maybe add another dialogue tag for Lizzie; she should probably be mentioned since these are her words.
-
“I couldn’t just ‘print out a picture’, Lizzie, I purchased the intellectual rights to the work. That’s what art is; that’s how art works.
I love this line; what a roast!
-
Jacqueline fired back at her sister.
MY BAD, there is a tag here lol; possibly shift it up earlier in the dialogue though.
-
Lizzie said, still shouting.
Take out this dialogue tag, but add one for Jacqueline in the next paragraph.
-
which I allow you to live a luxurious lifestyle off of
Add commas or em dashes here to avoid a run-on.
-
so called
Add a hyphen between these words.
-
who was
Cut these two words out.
-
ought
Should this be another word?
-
; they had either taken high-level industry or government jobs and were nowhere to be found.
"..., having either" is a smoother transition, and I think that "and" should be "or"?
-
The local art scene was remarkable, music flooded the streets, effective and efficient governance over the issues that plagued the virtual city led to quick and lasting solutions.
This sentence lacks parallelism.
-
among
Perhaps replace this with "for" so it doesn't sound like its the underprivileged citizens' faults.
-
This
"That"?
-
Damian
I would start a new paragraph here so Damian's experience doesn't get confused as Jakob's.
-
, who had raised him as a single parent,
Might hit harder if you phrase this as "the only parent he had/knew", or something along those lines. If that's the case, em dashes would work well here.
-
He only
Maybe replace with "Instead, he..." so the former sentence doesn't make it repetitive.
-
However,
Usually "however" goes in the middle of a sentence.
-
; however, the year’s first snow had yet to fall.
Could possibly make this clause its own sentence for dramatic purposes.
-
-
dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
-
To my colleagues, just remember one thing: human potential is the rarest, most beautiful thing in the known universe. Restricting this potential for profits would be the greatest crime ever committed, and I won’t have it committed in my sister’s memory. To the users of Simulation 313, and the other virtual cities to follow, I have one request: don’t let me down.”
It's amazing how quickly one can be drawn into a story, and interested in the characters and their arcs. Once again, I applaud you for writing such a great story. Take my advice with a grain of salt!
-
The potential of humanity is limitless
Another powerful line that'll stick with the reader.
-
“What’s the request?” Janette asked, willing to do practically anything for the $22,000,000 that this donor was asking.
Oh, absolutely.
-
I’m still reeling.
I love this line. She's 100% correct; it's HER loss.
-
She wasn’t, in truth, granted access to anything she didn’t have before.
Goddamn, girl; you were living the dream!
-
Since the death of her sister, Jacqueline hadn’t slept much. She had dozens of meetings with lawyers, funeral planners, the Board of Director for her sister’s company, news outlets, and family members. She was told, almost daily, that it was important to remain in the public eye and retain confidence in the company so share prices wouldn’t diminish. This cold corporate policy had taken a toll on her mental, physical, and emotional health. Yet, Lizzie would have acted the exact same way, if someone else had been killed, to ensure the gains she had made within her company would not disappear. In fact, Lizzie was an extreme example of the cold corporate America, and she had been killed because of it.
I feel so bad for Jacqueline. She has a lot more on her plate now. :(
-
This revelation shocked the three virtual trailblazers. They had lost the case, but perhaps all hope had not been lost. Perhaps this meant the acquisition of the code wouldn’t been seen through to completion. Jakob was more perplexed. He felt, somehow, he could be held responsible for what had happened to Ms. Rhodes.
The external and internal conflicts really pick up here. When I read this the first time around, I couldn't wait to find out what happened next.
-
He wasn’t sure about these non-credentialed part-time physicists, but the world was changing rapidly and he didn’t wish to seem out of touch with the students and faculty he was serving.
He is VALID.
-
“You must understand the, frankly, confusing nature of trying to grant funding to a non-student, non-faculty, non-credentialed member of the community,” said Dr. Bjorn Urlinski, the head of the Wayne State Physics department. “Respectfully, Dr. Urlinski, the discovery of physical truth doesn’t require a Ph.D. What Janette, here, has done can be viewed as important of an achievement as Jason Witten’s unification of M-theory. This could change everything; it demands to be investigated,” interjected Stephen. Stephen was lucky enough to have some credibility with the department head. “I have to agree,” commented Professor Angie Gardener, a Wayne State specialist on String Theory Supersymmetry. “There’s a lot of potential in what Janette here is saying. I’ve only had a week to look through the paper, since it was brought to me by Stephen and his friend. But with some further development we can involve the experimental department, and see if there's anything that can be drawn from the findings.”
Although this could be argued as irrelevant, it really adds to the world-building, illustrating how S313 has changed the way Detroit citizens handle their surroundings.
-
A single gunshot rang out.
THIS COMPLETELY SHOCKED ME WHEN I FIRST READ THIS!! Truly, you are the king of plot twists. The use of a very short, blunt sentence also increases the dramatization of this moment. Well done.
-
But his emphatic 7-1 loss seemed to define him entirely at this moment.
This is worded brilliantly. Sometimes our lowest points feel more important than our highs.
-
She watched as Damian hung his head in defeat.
:(((
-
Thus, we find no laws restricting the ability of Lizzie Rhodes to purchase the intellectual property created by the students of Wayne State University, from the University, as long as the proper procedures are followed.
WOW. I understand the ruling, but it sure does suck for S313 players. I wasn't expecting this. :(
-
However, Lizzie’s excitement made sense when she considered the context; they were in the Supreme Court Building about to make history.
How old is Lizzie? Her excitement about being a part of a historical case feels so innocent; it adds to her character, and I almost feel like not everything is about business with her.
-
I guess they have nowhere to be. Homeless in Michigan is the same as D.C.
Ouch.
-
Fernando
I appreciate that the driver has a name.
-
a lack of snow had allowed her to visit nearly a dozen monuments and museums while her sister paid for a penthouse hotel suite for her and her alone.
Luckyyy ;D
-
Chapter 5:
Not that I care, but have you considered splitting the chapters into different pages in a path together? I know some of our peers are doing that.
-
Would he kill himself if it was taken away from him? Would he die with his only accomplishment being a Supreme Court loss?
Poor Jakob. I really feel for him; these are valid questions to ask.
-
.
Replace with "?"
-
.
Thoughts should still be treated with the same punctuation rules as speech, so replace this period with a comma.
-
Stephen said
Repetitive again; you don't have to name the speaker twice in their dialogue paragraphs.
-
Stephen said
Repetitive.
-
Turn on the specialized computers. Each computer was a 3’ by 3’ cube with specialized hardware and software. Namely, the Simulation 313 files took up the entire hard-drive and thus the computer couldn’t be used for anything else. Log-in with a personalized ID and password. This allowed for a unique experience of the software and virtual city, analogous to being a citizen in the real world version of Detroit.Put on the “Virtual Vision” goggles. They looked like swim goggles, but the peripherals allowed one to stay aware of their surroundings.Don the partially-noise-cancelling smart headset. Essentially, it filtered out unnecessary noises, but let users hear if someone is talking directly to them or if there is some sort of alarm or important message going off.Make your way from Cadillac Place, the geographic center of the virtual Detroit, to wherever you needed (or wanted) to be that day.
Some might find it boring to include these details, but I think you did the right thing. Personally, including this kind of information really adds to the sci-fi element of the story.
-
the cheap, hot food was worth the price it demanded.
Sublime.
-
day and
Add in a ","
-
In an hour? That means it’s 6 o’clock in the morning?
When Lizzie was thinking, you used apostrophes to collect her thoughts. Make sure you decide on a style to portray thoughts, then stick with it.
-
I see see
Not sure what this was supposed to say/mean.
-
He could wait another hour.
Is this supposed to say "couldn't"?
-
two week
I would add a hyphen between these two words
-
wished was finished,
Is "was" supposed to be "to"?
-
“Shit,” Lizzie thought to herself, “nothing is private anymore.”
LOL, ain't that the truth.
-
Why should Simulation 313 create this dangerous precedent?
A powerful question.
-
We have nowhere else to go. We have nowhere else where we can enact meaningful change to the world around us.
Do the S313 citizens get paid by the real world for what they do in the simulation?
-
he was too nervous to focus.
I like that Jakob is still nervous to be in court; shows off the humanity of his character.
-
30 seconds
Kind of oddly specific; maybe rephrase this as being around half an hour?
-
Jakob couldn’t help but crack a sly smile; more than 5,000 protestors had come from Detroit to have their voices heard and, while they were being obstructive, he was proud of them. They were fighting just as he was.
I think this should be a separate paragraph since it isn't about Kyle anymore.
-
My Lord
Is this how Supreme Court Justices are usually addressed, or is this a future thing?
-
,
"," can be deleted
-
He’d met restaurant dishwashers pursuing a Ph.D. in Mathematical Physics within this virtual world. He’d met a Multiple Sclerosis patient, who lived off of disability in the real world, who was the most successful artist the platform had ever seen. He’d met a 14-year-old boy, who’d been bounced around the foster care system in the real Detroit, become a number 1 music artist on the virtual Detroit’s Hot 100.
Excellent examples for creating a sense of sympathy for the S313 citizens.
-
,
"," can be deleted
-
but worst of all, I’d lost my value as a human being.
This is so sad. :( Reading this really made me feel for Jakob and the others in his position.
-
Dear Mr. Rivera,
Why does Jakob call Damian "Mr. Rivera"? Is it just common courtesy?
-
11:00 am
I'm going to be honest: I have no idea what the rule is for writing time. I did the same thing you did in my piece, so maybe we'll check that out later.
-
But Jacqueline knew it was for the best not to bother her sister anymore than she already had; she would keep a low profile until this whole Supreme Court case had been ruled upon. For the first time in her life, a little part of her was rooting for her sister to lose. She felt bad even entertaining the thought. But Jacqueline felt that a win for her sister would mean a loss for so many people within Simulation 313. People who didn’t have a lucrative career and celebrity status to fall back upon if they lost their virtual home, the source of their very-much real identity.
Jacqueline appears to be the most conflicted of the characters. She has a lot to think about in regards to which side she's rooting for. Her commentary really pulls the reader into the world you've created, and keeps things interesting.
-
However,
Sentences will flow better if "however" is in the middle, like "With this issue, however..."
-
streak
Reputation?
-
,
Replace "," with "."
-
1/10th
I know I mentioned this earlier, although the rules differ with fractions. I think fractions are usually okay being left as numbers, but since this is dialogue, it has to be spelled out.
-
But instead you spend $340,000 of my money which I allow you to live a luxurious lifestyle off of to buy the rights to an artist who can’t even paint? The work isn’t real, Jacqueline. You might as well have thrown away that money,
I really enjoy this dialogue; shows that Lizzie is all about business! Maybe italicize other words, like "my" and "real" to make her seem more upset.
-
Jacqueline’s phone sat ringing on her nightstand for 10 ought seconds before she rolled over to see it was her sister, Lizzie, who was calling her at 7:55 in the morning.
This sentence can be broken up into two shorter sentences, or rephrased to flow better.
-
Those 6 months, however, were up. Wayne State no longer had the rights to the code, and the creators of the content were no longer contactable; they had either taken high-level industry or government jobs and were nowhere to be found. Once it was discovered by the online community that a tech billionaire, Lizzie Rhodes, and her company were trying to acquire the rights to the code, there was an outrage and a collective reasoning that someone needed to fight this injustice. They’d been marginalized in the real world; they wouldn’t let it happen in the world they’d built for themselves. Someone within the community had to take a stand. Jakob had long needed a good fight, and decided it was time to rally his best ally.
This is a great summary of the events without being too long or too short. What exactly does Lizzie's company do? This isn't something you have to add; I'm just curious.
-
Outside the Supreme Court Building, the first snow of the season fell lightly upon the concrete sidewalk outside.
I really like this last line; gives off the sense that something important is about to happen.
-
Simulation 313, it was called (the 313 being a reference to Detroit’s area code). It was created by a group of students at Wayne State University’s Metropolitan Center for High Technology.
The first sentence could either be rephrased, or combined with the second sentence to improve it.
-
19
This happens multiple times throughout your piece, but I will only make one note here. Because this is fictional text, numbers with two digits or less should be spelled out as words ("19" to "nineteen").
-
new reality, a better reality, a virtual reality,
Maybe consider replacing one of these sets of commas with em dashes. Personally, I would use dashes before and after "a virtual reality".
-
bodega
bodega,
-
in
Replace with "for"
-
and
- officer, and
-
Instead, I’m freezing my ass off for a charity case.”“Do you know what else Miami has?” responded Jakob once they had both cleared the checkpoint, “Strip clubs that would’ve probably cost you your career, marriage, and retirement funds by this point.”
I really enjoy the lighthearted humor here; it's subtle, but tells the reader that these characters are friends outside of the courtroom.
-
Today was the day.
Perhaps italicizing "the" or replacing it with "that" will emphasize the importance of this day to Jakob; otherwise, it's a little boring compared to the two sentences leading into it.
-
had not fallen yet.
Maybe rephrase this as "had yet to fall" to dramatize the action.
-
Preface:
Hey! I read your story all the way through before I start annotating, and I just wanted to let you know that this is a great piece! I love that the main conflict is centered in the Supreme Court -- a setting we're all familiar with -- yet is about something beyond our technology. Very creative! :)
-