This paragraphs reminds me of how women are less of a priority in medical research and how women are generally less likely to have their concerns and voice taken seriously. It's as if society is conditioning one to be silent and not to "complain" but of course, these conditions have severe repercussions when it comes to lack of diagnosis, abuse, and is the reason why the "Me Too" movement exists. Machado writes that all these experiences make her feel powerless and self-loathing, and assigning blame to herself for her "own suffering." Machado goes on further to say how it's hard to describe the type of person who makes one feel powerless and how words and descriptors can have different connotations and fail to communicate the proper meaning to describe this feeling or these actions. All the words she tried using all have homophobic connotations of the past and they haunt her. Also all the people she described that have made her powerless are the family/agencies/professionals that are supposed to be there to help her.

Many gothic romances are based off ones inner fears of abuse, monsters, etc. but when they are framed in a heteronormative structure in the past. The description of a "crumbling ancestral manor" implies the disintegration of sanity and the mind because a house/home is often the metaphor for the mind and body. In this analogy, her girlfriend is a stranger and the stranger in the gothic is often a bad omen. I think the description of a stranger really transforms the relationship, Machado is clearly scared, she doesn't know her girlfriend because the relationship is unstable.

Earlier, Machado's girlfriend was breaking her gf's boundaries by searching through her phone. Every subsequent, her gf seems to keep pushing those boundaries and now, in this passage, I think is an example of gaslighting, by making Machado question her own words and sanity. She keeps blaming her and manipulating her words to suit an altered point of view of what's going on. Machado emphasizes the gaslighting by the syntax of repetition. "You are clear. You think you are clear." This double-take is an example of how her girlfriend is manipulating her. Machado is forced to read her girlfriend's mind (which is impossible) and it's like walking on eggshells around her.

I find this resonant with queer narratives of the past and today. Heteronormativity and patriarchy have erased queer people from history to the point that non-normative sexualities and gender identities are considered or thought to be a "modern" idea or in an even more finite space a "white people thing." Recently I listened to a lecture about how there is a wide disparity even within queer history between AMAB and AFAB peoples and their sexualities and how especially for AFAB people, there is barely a recorded history in the archives that describes their histories (this research was done by the lecturer) so the idea that history has a gatekeeper is especially resonant when I think about the omission and erasure of queerness in history. The gatekeeper could be thought to be of the person who is most likely to have their voice heard in history: so the conquerer's narrative, the man's narrative, the heterosexual narrative, the colonizer's narrative is told and everyone else has a suppressed narrative. So when the author referenced Derrida about how archive means "the house of the ruler," the easiest way to find out who writes the dominant narrative in history is the one in control and the one who has power. It's also important to note the this narrative may not be true or may be heavily biased, edited, and a form of control for the audience as well.

Yunior's reaction to women saying no to sex is like a threat or a reaction to an old wound or an affront on his personhood almost. Even when Elvis offers a reasonable explanation (though no explanation is really needed if she says no), Yunior immediately goes after her ex with classist notions of success by saying "no job, no education". In the end, it's really about his ego and validating himself. He takes offense that she had sex with someone else in the past who he deems beneath him. This sense of possessiveness and "conquering" is what was mentioned in the last week's presentation on machismo. The conquering mentality which translates to Noemi, and rightfully, as a big red flag. To Yunior, he feels entitled and Noemi has every right to keep her boundaries up without compulsion.

There is tension between the pressures of rejecting gendered social constructs for Paloma as a girl and the tension of Yunior trying to find affection and an end to his loneliness as a boy. For Paloma, she sees sex with guys as something that would chain her down and deny her opportunities in the future. As Yunior's mother said "no one wants to have children" so by extension, she sees Yunior as a mistake. What Yunior mistakes is sex for affection/love, which is not the only way someone can show that they care. And a rejection of sex is an affront to his personhood but conflating the two is harmful on both his self esteem and harmful/ threatening to Paloma's consent. Oddly, it seems Paloma is trying to reject gendered norms of a woman as the trope of the mother and Yunior might be embracing these norms as his father and late brother. Additionally, Yunior frames this rejection like it hurts him on a personal level, rather than physical. This chapter particularly sounds like a vulnerable time for Yunior because after his brother Rafa dies, he is left forgotten by his mourning mother and everything centers around his brother. I think this is perhaps why he was so drawn to Miss Lora. Miss Lora provided him the attention he was lacking from his friends and family. This attention in the form of sex, food, and a room. Miss Lora seems to be lonely too as her friends and family have left her as she's been traveling. But she claims to try to set roots now and maybe that sense of stability is what drew Yunior to her. That and the fact that she doesn't have any other personal responsibilities like children to take care of. Ironically, it is when she is pursuing another degree when they slowly "break up" or apart. Yunior tries to attain a sense of control in the relationship but he was never in control anyways really.

Language is being used as a form of power and thus, power imbalance between a wife and a husband. English is placed on a pedestal as it is needed and Yunior's mother is being effectively silenced by the language barriers. The fact that he says "besides, the average woman can't learn english" implies that English is placed on a higher regard, or requires a higher "intelligence" than other languages. I feel like this passage is a microcosm of a larger issue on the hierarchy of languages and how they function as a form of power in a country that supposedly does not have a national language. And how this language power dynamic connects to patriarchal/misogynistic methods of control within families.

I think this section highlights how women exclusively share similar struggles as a result of false machismo which is absent but still reverberates in the effects of devaluing women in society. Though Yunior's mother and Pura share the same experience, in some cases Yunior is excluded from this conversation and kept out of the discussion by his mother. Though, it definitely is out of her hatred for Pura, and desiring to invalidate anything she says. Yunior's mother only vents it out with her other female friends. This passage has a tone of resentment out of Yunior's exclusion and that she had never mentioned it before to her family. The women Yunior calls "horsefaces" are the only women that his mother can open up to and be "her old self." Even his mother's hatred for Pura seems to stem from her relationship to Rafa.