I like the updates you’ve done in the story, but I feel like I am still missing a bit from Marcus. I want to feel more connected to him. I’m not saying that I want you to turn Marcus into some goody two shoes type of guy. DON’T CHANGE HIS PERSONALITY. Just the whole connection piece would be helpful because sometimes it seems like Marcus is more of a robot than an actual human being, making it hard to relate to him.

I love this paragraph. It's nice to see Marcus extend his compassion to Kristina.

Why does Marcus care about this? What motivates him to do this? Marcus doesn't seem like the type of character to go out of his way for others, so this doesn't add up.

Marcus just states that she will be punished by the Gamemakers. Doesn’t he care? Where are his emotions?

I thought the gamemakers were trying to eliminate Marcus. ?? Confusing

Are they easdropping on the conversation? How are the Gamemakers aware of the need for Marcus to be eliminated?

I’m at the beach too! I am right there with Marcus and can practically taste the saltwater

Oooh la la Lovely imagery!

This is confusing. He’s so confident that he will win, yet says that he will never have to work long shifts?

That doesn’t really seem that big of a different when you consider the that just two more hours of work earns you luxurious items not not made available to the rest of the world. Heck, I’m in!

How does Marcus feel about this? It doesn't seem like he cares one way or the other.

Love this! It creates an image of the city in my head.

Yay! Tears... that makes me happy. Good mother and son moment

ellaborate.... what's going on in the city?

He doesn't get to say goodbye to his dad...It's the last day he has with them and all he has to say about this is 'that's a bummer'!?

This seems like an interaction that would be had on a normal day between mother and son, which confuses me because this is supposed to be the last day they spend together.

'pay attention'

You did an awesome job of cleaning up your story, and it’s a really quite phenomenal piece. You’ve fixed all of the major gaps in the plot and now just need to work on the small details that will tie it all together. To start with, I would really like some background information about the city explaining how it formed. What’s the driving force behind the city’s decision to isolate itself from the rest of the world?

Also, I noticed that Gary was describing his surrounding and everything that was going on within each scene. There were a few times when I felt like his emotions skit on the surface rather than running deep down throughout blood. But there were also times when I was able to experience Gary’s emotions as if I was actually the one going through it all like at the ending when Gary’s sister is the one who ends his life. By the way, the ending is just incredible! Just one thing to note: it would be cool if you foreshadowed Michael's true nature, so it doesn’t take readers by compete surprise.

more elaboration on this is necessary to make the story flow

I really feel for Gary in this moment!

Such a sad ending, but it was so beautiful! Nice job with your story!

YAS!! Plot twist... You caught me off guard; I didn't expect this!

How does Gary feel about this? Angry? Confused? Worried that is sister will leave him behind? Confident that she will stay?

Also, I thought that the Council was threatening to hurt Sandra's career if Gary acted up. This line makes it seem like Gary is the one who'll face the consequences. Which one is it?

What a lovely idea! Threatening a person’s family is enough to make a person think twice about continuing down the path they’re heading towards. Win for the Council!

Wouldn’t that have raised questions about his whereabouts? After all, there’s no dirt in the area.

I like the aura of mystery you have created by not strictly defining the Council. You’ve managed to talk about the Council in such a way that gives me a sense of what it is while leaving room for questions.

Why not? How does the Council maintain their power if they don’t enforce their rules and punish those who disobey?

That doesn’t sound scary or like it would have shaken someone like Harrison up. It doesn’t sound like the Council has put any fear into Harrison, so he’ll stop with his whole rebellion. This is what the Council wants, right?

Slid it up

Delete

Why? What purpose do the bracelets serve?

Thanks for going back and fixing the scene where Gary spots dirt on Harrison’s shoes! It flow a lot better since the realization Gary makes is more gradual and doesn’t feel rushed.

What exactly is the tertiary, and how did this system develop?

Nice imagery!

the word ‘say’ is mentioned 2x

Very nice job! You certainly know how to tell a story! I felt very connected and in tune with Marcus. However, there are a few points where I wanted to see more of him as a person, where I wanted to see some emotion. When Marcus describes how Kristina is panicking and goes to be punished by the Game Makers, he seems sort of seems callous and detached from the situation. She’s a sobbing mess and he just goes on about his escape. How does Marcus feel in this moment?

I want to know more about the ways in which the city was set up and its founding principles. How do the people inside the city interact, and how does the city function as a whole? I want to know more about life outside of the Games. What do people do in their free time? Virtual reality? What’s the culture like in the city? How do people treat each other? I love the detailed descriptions you give as Marcus faces the obstacles the Game Makers throw at him; I can really feel myself there with him. It would be nice if I could feel the same about the city. I want to become more aware of the world in which the story takes place. Describe it for me!

I also want to know more about the Games. How many Game Makers are there? How often do the Games take place? Can more than one person win? Do the Game Makers design the whole city or just the Games? How do the Game Makers stay in power, or is there someone higher up that they report to? Why is there this need for the Games? I just don’t understand the purpose of it. Wouldn’t it make more sense for a person to be trained to be a Game Maker from birth rather than just host a big competition? Readers are missing key background information that would explain this.

At the beginning of the story, the Game Makeer mentioned “judgement” and how it would be unkind to those who do not do well in the Games. I understand how Marcus might not know what it means at the time, but the concept isn’t explained down the road. The same goes for the concept of coming out of the Game with permanent injuries. Why would the Game Makers purposefully injure those who lost the Game when they need able bodied workers?

I love your description of the challenges Marcus faces as he goes through the Games. There is one part that I was put off by. I don’t understand why Marcus takes Sophia’s word for it when she talks about how the reward for winning The Game is a lie and winners being forced to work long hours. Marcus has been waiting for the Game all his life and looking for a chance to escape the hard reality he faces everyday. It doesn’t make sense for him to just give up hope on his dream of a better life just because someone tells him that it’s not true. I was surprised when Marcus just accepted Sophia’s intel and didn’t question her purpose in the Game. What if Sophia was just another test the Game Makers introduced to weed out some kids?

Overall, I’m very happy with your piece. The time and effort you put into it shows! It flows beautifully, and I’m not experiencing Marcus’ journey; I’m taking it with him. With the addition of a few things, this story will turn into a real gem! Well, it already is a gem, but just a shinier, more polished one!

How do the Game Makers punish people?

How does Marcus feel about this?

Yes! I love this description. It gives me a clear sense of place, and I feel like I'm right there with Marcus.

Why are they giving each other permission? Aren't they competing against each other?

What abusive practices? I know about the long work hours. But what else?

Who forces them to work? Who is in charge of the city?

Why is Marcus annoyed? Why doesn't he suspect that this is part of the Game Maker's test.

How is virtual reality structured? Do people use it outside of the games? How does it impact the culture of the city?

Flying car? I didn’t know they even existed in this city. I would have loved to hear about this at the beginning of the story.

How does this work? Can people send messages to each other in virtual reality?

Do people get second chances at the games?

What does the dad and mom do for a living, and what kind of jobs do most people hold?

I really enjoyed reading your story! I love the city you created, and it’s clear how much thought you put into the location of the event, with it being along the river and near the city’s border wall. I’m going to get right down to the knitty gritty stuff. Keep in mind that this is just my perspective.

You did an amazing job of providing me with a sense of location, but I feel like the story is still missing some elements of the setting. I need more background information to explain why the city operates as it does and what led to this. I want to know more about the society. What are the rules? How does it function? What created this need for sameness and job assignment and all that jazz?

I feel like the last section of the piece needed more substance. I wanted to know what happened at the demonstration, and I wanted you to take me there to that place. The primary purpose of a story is to give the audience an experience. All the usual agents such as the characters and plot are basic tools for that goal, and it’s important to keep your eye on the main aim. I sort of felt like your piece sort of skidded on the rocks, dipping your toes in once in a while instead of emerging yourself in the water fully. It’s hard for me to fully invest myself in experiences where everything sort of goes well. I wanted there to be more friction between the government and its citizens. It kind of aggravated me how the citizens just accepted their situation until Gary wore his colorful wristband and addressed the crowd. It seemed like the crowd and the people in it were suddenly there for Gary, out of the blue when he wanted the system to change. They people were like clay, easy to mold. It felt like everyone was suddenly on board, and all too quickly. Many people who have grown up in a certain society their whole life aren’t going to take too kindly to someone that’s trying to stir things up.

It felt like the government just gave in too easily and threw in the towel after the demonstration on November seventh. This doesn’t quite make sense because the government had been completely against all expressions of individuality. A totalitarian government is never just going to just step aside and compromise when they people demand it. I am not able to see how this demonstration just made this happen instantaneously. Also, the story never made it clear why the the society is so against color, music, and other forms of expression. Please explain and include how the city council maintains their order. What does the city council do to keep people docile and in line?

In the last paragraph of the piece, you mentioned Director Zane and spoke of his offer to create a separate sect outside of The City where people could do as so desire in terms of expression. This is the first time I’ve heard of Director Zane, and I don’t think it was a good idea to introduce a new character at the ending. Also, the ending didn’t feel like an ending. The events of a good story ending must satisfy everything that has gone before, and I didn’t feel like I got closure because of how brief it was. My problem wasn’t with the information in the ending (I really liked the solution you put forth), it was just the rushed way it was displayed to readers.

This is such so lovely and creative. Having an event held in that location is a well thought out and clever idea.

I want to know more about the ins and outs of the city.

What happened to his mom?

This is just lovely! It gives me a sense of space and paints a clear picture in my head.

What crowd? How did they get there?

I want to know more about this.

Where are they getting all of these colored clothes from?

What happened there? I want to feel it. I feel like you just skipped over a significant portion in the plot.

Why Gary and not Harrison? After all, Harrison started the whole thing by wearing his colorful bracelet, so isn't he the leader of it all?

Does the government do anything to discourage the demonstrations. Is anyone punished?

I was looking for the next section but couldn't find anything. This doesn't feel like the story has come to an end!

I'm confused. Why wouldn't the city council have erased Harrison's memory of the event? Why would they drug him to get him home if he was just going to go blabber to others?