Here I decided to come back to my response essay. I used this quote in the response essay. When I re-read it, I felt that it was also applicable to my freewrite so I revisited it in this short piece. This quote helped me tie together the short piece because it refers back to my response essay, but in a new light that agrees with my freewrite.

In my response essay, I wrote about why the quote caught my attention. Here, however, I used this sentence to transition into my freewrite. This transition helped me to acknowledge Allison's sentence, but move on to what I took from the freewrite activity.

This piece is a combination of a response essay and a freewrite. The response essay was due on September 25. It was about Dorothy Allison's essay "Place" and why I agreed with her statement about how a place can easily be overlooked. On September 25, however, we were asked to do a freewrite in class and I realized I disagreed with Allison's statement in a way. In this shorter piece, used my freewrite to expand on Allison's statement and produce a combination of my two works.

This sentence was originally at the end of the previous paragraph. It still would have made sense there. I moved it, though, because I think it was a good way to end my essay. I started out by describing my dinner plate so I wanted to finish with this sentence that returned to that idea. I think a dinner plate is something most people don't think twice about on a day to day basis but it is something I learned to appreciate because of my surgery. This question leaves the reader thinking about the importance of something seemingly so insignificant so I wanted to make sure to end my paper with it.

This sentence was originally more near the middle of this paragraph. I put it there to create suspense. I thought the reader would wonder why I was eating the soup and crying. This was not an effective placement, however, because it was not an easy transition from the previous paragraph. Instead of creating suspense, it distracted readers with confusion. So, I moved this sentence to the beginning of the paragraph in order to create a more cohesive transition.

This portion of my essay was new to my final draft. Initially, my conclusion ended with the previous paragraph that talked about how I need the support of my family. I added this paragraph because I felt that I needed a stronger conclusion. My personal narrative is about what I learned from my experience as a jaw surgery patient. This new conclusion shows how I apply what I learned to the way I think about current issues. I think this aspect of my conclusion strengthened my paper because it brings up anorexia again, but in a new light which helps highlight my transformation as a result of my surgery.

In this passage I initially tried to explain that "my strengths are not my only source of alleviation from pain." This wording did not effectively get my point across. When I edited it I wanted to make sure to emphasize what I was originally trying to point out- that I need a collaboration of my own strengths and the love of my family to help me through tough experiences.

Apart from the first sentence, this paragraph was entirely new in my final draft. This sentence in particular was a key part of the development of this paragraph because I think it makes a strong connection between the threads that make up my essay. In addition, this sentence really helped explain my logic (or lack of) when I sent my family away. The development of this sentence and paragraph was essential to my revision process because they helped define the climax of my narrative.

Initially, this sentence stated, "Prior to this day, that meal would have repulsed me, but I enjoyed it immensely." The paragraph ended after this sentence. I significantly changed the sentence and added more insight after it because I realized it was too abrupt to make sense. The changed sentence explained more about why I enjoyed the meal. The additional sentences made it easier to connect this anecdote to my conclusion because I was able to more clearly touch upon my initial feelings about anorexia which I went back to at the end of my paper.

note

I think it would add to your personal narrative if you go into more detail about your parents' divorce and how it affected youItalic** specifically, not just how divorce can generally affect a child. Talking about one memorable story about their divorce may help you to dig deeper into your feelings about it.

You do a great job of creating yourself as a character. However, I think you should develop a clearer network in your essay. This network of having a team and being an athlete could be a good place to start to consider yourself as part of a greater network.

Edgar, you mention that you were humiliated, but then go straight back to talking about being at a party. This is a little confusing because we don't really know what's going on. I would reorganize it in a way that makes it a little less confusing.

I think you should go into more detail about your sleepless nights with your brothers. Tell us more about how you felt, how many nights this lasted, and how it changed you as a person.

I think you should talk about Uber's dependencies on other technologies, specifically the cell phone. Does our dependence on Uber correlate with our dependence on our phones?

You can use quotes like this to expand your discussion on WHY people pregame. Does it give them that extra boost of confidence? Ask your friends if they have felt more nervous going out without a couple drinks in them. This can apply to a psychological aspect of your argument

You should go into more description about the commercial, such as talking about what the sneaker looks like. Also, I'm confused as to whether or not you're trying to say that Jordan's sparked the SneakerHead Culture. If so, go into more detail about this.

This paragraph could be rearranged. I think it is nice to hear a little bit about your run to the boathouse, but not too much. It would be more beneficial to hear more about your feelings as you arrive at the boathouse and more descriptions of your feelings when you are there.

It is interesting that you use the word "right" here. Go into more detail about how one can be the "right beholder" of a place. Since this essay is directed to an upperclassman, I think you could focus on giving them some advice about how to be the "right" beholder og a place.

This statement was a little confusing to me because you jump from the description about the fish to talking about "they," yet you do not define who "they" are. In addition, this statement is a little broad. Go into more detail about why starting out in a new place can be so difficult.

hi

I'm not sure if this statement applies to your argument because technically you are arguing that this point of view is that people should learn to use multiple dialects. Make sure that all your information justifies your thesis.

I think your intro is great. It is very original and captivating. However, intros are best kept a little bit shorter. You could consider combining these sentences, which are saying similar things, in order to shorten your intro.

MIchaela- I would work on this thesis to make it better represent the rest of your paper. You have some great points in this essay, such as the point you make about Wallace's straightforwardness. Maybe work this into your thesis so it becomes a central point to your essay.