You are part of this team. Just because you don’t get passed the ball as oftenduring game times, doesn’t take away from your contributions in other ways. You’re great at
Patrick is showing that he values Colin's feelings and is complimenting him by highlighting strengths. He also expresses that he can relate to him by putting himself in Colin's situation (Difficult Conversations Book Summary).
See you at practice!
Colin affirms the resolution. This conversation allowed Patrick and Colin to express their feelings, understand each other, and create a plan to move forward. Using restorative practices they resolved the conflict in a safe space and with an action plan in place they can rebuild trust and strengthen their ability to work as a team. (A Blueprint for Restorative Conversations)
Sounds good, see you at practice!
Patrick is reinforcing that they have come to an agreement and that they can put their plan(resolution) into action (A Blueprint for Restorative Conversations).
I think that’s fair
Colin is demonstrating collaboration and compromise as they have found common ground for a fresh start (A Blueprint for Restorative Conversations)
I think that is a good idea, Lets meet at “the commons
Patrick and Colin recognize that the gym may not be the best place as its bringing up overwhelming feelings. He suggests moving to a neutral area when they restart the conversation after lunch. "Step 2: Transition to a dedicated space for calming and reflection" and this is also an example of "Choosing the right time and place" from Use These Steps to Prepare for Difficult Conversations by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Help me understand what got you so frustrated to begin with
Patrick is staying curious, and using language that keeps him open minded and encourages dialogue (Let's Rumble).
I understand how that can be frustrating. I too felt unappreciated when you threwthe ball in my face, and I’m completely upset about the situation because my face stillhurts, and I don’t think I deserved this.
It is important to note that Patrick is acknowledging Colin’s feelings and then expressing how he feels. This connects to empathy building strategies from Brene Brown's "Lets Rumble" article by recognizing each others perspectives (Let’s Rumble).
Barrall, S. (2019, May 1). Let’s Rumble. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2019/05/01/lets-rumble/
I feel unappreciated, and every time you passed the ball to other teammates myfrustration built, and I threw the ball at you in anger. I still am angry about the wholesituation
Colin uses "I" statements from NVC and takes some ownership over his reactions to the events at practice (How You Can Use the NVC Process). While Colin is still struggling with his emotions, he has successfully noted some triggers that caused him to feel a certain way and act the way he did (Managing our Triggers toolkit).
We all have our insecurities that lead to ‘all-or-nothing’ assumptions. Myselfincluded! I kind of assumed you were not a nice person when you hit me. But there wasobviously a lot of other things at play here, no pun intended. I’d like to come up with somesolutions moving forward so you feel more a part of the team and we don't get into asituation like this again
Patrick is recognizing he assumed Colin intended to purposefully hurt him and it was perhaps because he was a mean or bad person. When in reality there was a lot more frustration and feelings that he didn't initially understand (Let's Rumble). He also tries to lighten the mood with a little humour and makes it clear that he would like to come to a solution (Difficult Conversations Book Summary).
I’m feeling emotional right now and I am hearing what you are feeling. Can we take abreak from this conversation and try to resolve this after lunch?
Colin is aware of his emotions. He knew he needed to step away from the situation because he struggles to make good decisions when he’s upset. This reflects the "State Shifting" step of taking space appropriately (Managing Your Triggers Toolkit).
I am curious as to why you don’t pass me the ball. I come to practice, work hard anddo my best
Being direct to ask a question is part of the "what happened" in conversations. Colin is being direct, because he can't get over what he feels is happening to him. The good part about his statement is that he is not overly aggressive and is using "I am curious" as a sentence starter to open the conversation versus beginning the conversation with blame. This approach is more open for discussion vs being defensive (Difficult Conversations Book Summary).
Oliphant, J. (2022, January 17). Difficult conversations book summary—Douglas stone. Wise Words. https://wisewords.blog/book-summaries/difficult-conversations-book-summary/
Thanks for clearing that up, however the ball did hit me in the face, it hurt me.
Patrick says thank you because his perspective of the situation is changing but really wants Colin to know that no matter what the situation he felt hurt (A blueprint for restorative conversations).
I had time to collect my thoughts, and I want you to know that while yes, I wasfrustrated, and directing my throw at you, I had no intention of throwing the ball in your faceand hurting you like that
After making a great decision to request space, Colin makes a rehearsed opening comment explaining his version of what happened at practice and taking accountability (A blueprint for restorative conversations). Leading to his upcoming comment of a formal apology.
Can you walk me through this as I am wondering why you are singling me out fornot passing you the ball? We are a team, and I am doing my best to help the team win
Patrick starts by using good "open mind language" to be non judgmental ("Can you walk me through this as I am wondering") This is direct language from the Rumble toolkit. He then gives Colin a clarifying question for consideration without escalating the situation which aligns with restorative conversations and gives a reason as to why he doesn't pass him the ball (A blueprint for restorative conversations).
Hey man, can we talk about what happened at practice yesterday? Does tomorrowwork after our morning practice?
As understood from Module 6: Difficult Conversations. Setting a time and place for a difficult conversation is important. Deciding to have a conversation in the future allows each person in the conversation to have time and place to practice and rehearse what each would like to say. (Managing Your Triggers Toolkit) This also aligns with the principles of restorative conversations by initiating a conversation in a non confrontational way (A blueprint for restorative conversations).
Gass, R. & Ansara, J. (2015) Managing Your Triggers Toolkit: A Practice for Being Resilient in Challenging Circumstances, Mediators Beyond Borders. https://mediatorsbeyondborders.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/managing-your-triggers-toolkit.pdf
A blueprint for restorative conversations. (n.d.). Edutopia. Retrieved March 25, 2025, from https://www.edutopia.org/article/using-restorative-conversations-mend-relationships-schools/
I would like to focus on resolving this situation as well. I now realize that passing tome isn’t the only part of the game and doesn’t take away from my other contributions to theteam and who I am in general. I still would appreciate being passed to more often. Is thissomething you can do?
Colin and Patrick seem to agree that they both want a resolution. Colin has an aha moment and then makes a request which is an example of non violent communication (How You Can Use the NVC Process).
You guys not passing the ball makes me feel unappreciated and not respected onthis team
Colin makes a clear "I" statement on how he feels using non violent communication (How You Can Use the NVC Process)
Hey, tomorrow works.
Agreeing to conversation is important to show that both parties are willing to engage in dialogue regarding their situation. This is important because it follows Nonviolent Communication principles (How You Can Use the NVC Process).
Rosenberg, M. B. (2019). How You Can Use the NVC Process. Center for Nonviolent Communication. https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/4part_nvc_process.pdf
I may have gotten stuck in a bias and gotten used to not passing to you. I am opento passing to you more often. Let’s work on passing more often during practice andexhibition games, so we can build more skills and trust with each other. I think in doingthat, we’ll get a better sense of how we can work together come game time
Patrick has some self realization and compromise for the conversation. He proposes a possible solution with positive words such as build, trust, and work together (Let's Rumble).
Thanks for getting that. I know it's not true, but I guess when I don't get passed to, Ijust think I'm a good player, heck, even a good person overall!
Difficult Conversation "Identity - all or nothing" Colin is identifying the "The Identity Conversation." This is the conversation we each have with ourselves about what this situation means to us. We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self-image and self-esteem, our future and our well-being (Managing Your Triggers Toolkit)
I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to cause that kind of damage. It was quite the throw, soI'll bet that hurt a lot.
Colin gives a formal apology and lightens the mood a bit by using some humour which is a way to deescalate tension (Managing Your Triggers Toolkit).