Behind the Lyrics: Uncovering Freddie Mercury's Inner Struggles
I like how the title is bolded and really emphasized. I also think that the text is formatted well with the spaces rather than a blob of text. The only suggestions I have regarding the structure of the site is to include pictures for more audience engagement! Great job though!
While being influenced by the trending of progressive music, Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” has certainly changed how normal people view rock music by elevating the genre to new artistic heights.
I like how you included a topic sentence again. However, I think I am having a little trouble understanding what this means exactly. What do you mean by being "influenced by the trending of progressive music"? Was there different 'progressive' songs he was influenced by? or was he influencing the 'progressive music'? I believe clarifying this sentence will help enhance your argument and clarity.
vivid highlight
I think your conclusion is doing really great. It is clear, focused, and concise. I do wonder how it would look with a little more of a summary of your previous arguments. If you could incorporate your three arguments from your three body paragraphs into why "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a "vivid highlight" I think that might further wrap up your entire argument. Great job!
Along with the breaking news of Freddie Mercury's death, according to Jonny Walfisz’s (2023) report, “Bohemian Rhapsody” went back to top on the charts and on April 20, 1992, the remaining Queen members held The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert for AIDS Awareness at London’s Wembley Stadium and coincided with the creation of the Mercury Phoenix Trust, a charity dedicated to fighting HIV/AIDS globally.
I love all the content you are trying to cover in this sentence. However, I think it is a little long as of right now, so I wonder how it would look if you changed it. For example, I think you could re-order the sentence, starting with "According to Jonny Walfisz’s (2023) report "Bohemian Rhapsody” went back to top on the charts and on April 20, 1992 with the breaking news of Freddie Mercury's death". Then you could begin the next sentence with "The remaining Queen...". I think this change could help with the clarity and focus in your writing.
In an interview, Adam Lambert (2018), the honorary vocalist of Queen since 2011, noted that the members of Queen encouraged him to express himself in his own way rather than simply mimic Freddie Mercury. This guidance helped Lambert embrace his individuality and allowed him to develop his unique artistic identity. He also mentioned that he “has been inspired to go for it” in his sense of fashion, which indicates how Freddie’s influence extends beyond music into personal expression.
I think you did a really good job with this structure. I love how the text flowed seamlessly from your topic to an example then the conclusion. One thing I would suggest is to specify a little more in your final sentence. What exactly does "this highlight"? Other than that this looks really good!
Moreover
I like how you are using transition words to connect your paragraphs and sentences, However, I wonder how the sentence will structurally flow if you were to use a different transition or remove it entirely. For example, maybe you could start with ""Bohemian Rhapsody" has also...." instead of using "Moreover".
In addition, “Bohemian Rhapsody” has generated significant cultural influence across various countries, permeating many aspects of people’s lives. The song has achieved top rankings several times on charts worldwide from 1975 to 2018. This does not reflect the enduring popularity of this legendary song, but also reveals its resonating and inspiring nature. It also had a huge impact on popular media as the song was featured in numerous films and television shows. For example, in Wayne’s World, which was released on 14th February 1992, it featured “Bohemian Rhapsody” in one scene and it suddenly made the song popular again and even made the band to the top of the charts again. More recently, due to the tremendous success of the movie Bohemian Rhapsody in 2018 that depicted a detailed story of Freddie Mercury and the song, it regained popularity with a new generation of fans all over the world. The global popularity shows how the song resonates with diverse audiences and how it serves as a cultural touchstone that connects people from different cultural backgrounds. This definitely solidified the song’s status as a cultural icon.
I think this entire paragraph was a great in structure. The flow from one topic to the next was smooth and each idea presented had evidence. Furthermore, the sentences were clear yet detailed enhancing the quality of the writing. Great Job!
Its popularity and combination of genres helped rock music gain mainstream acceptance among broader audiences, including those who may not be interested in rock music.
I think this is a really nice and strong statement. However, I wonder if you could add evidence in some way to support this statement. If so, I think you could really strengthen your argument. Also the overall structure of this paragraph was very beautifully formatted.
When people talk about the greatest ever Queen songs, “Bohemian Rhapsody” is always one of the first songs that come to their mind. Without doubt, it has become an icon for the band. But beyond its widespread popularity, how exactly does this song impact the world? “Bohemian Rhapsody” does not only redefine the possibilities of music production through its innovative music video, but also has a significant cultural and social impact that encourages artists across generations to challenge conventional norms and express their own identities.
This is a great introduction! I loved how it had a great hook, flowed from each sentence to the next, and was concise yet detailed. The thesis also looks really well formatted and put together. Nice job!
Music Review: Why is Bohemian Rhapsody Non-Replicable?
The structure of the writing once again looks good. I would just recommend adding a picture and removing the marginal spaces (centering the text) to enhance the visual of the site. This would also enhance the structural elements of the overall site.
due to Winahyu
This sentence and the way you incorporate your evidence is great! The only thing I would suggest is to change the phrasing here or word choice of "due". This change could really help with the flow. Still, great job!
In summary, Sri Kusuma Winahyu’s study of Freddie Mercury’s inner conflicts reflected in “Love of My Life” and “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Winahyu’s connection between Mercury’s Zoroastrian beliefs and his lyrics provides valuable insight into his struggles with sexuality. However, the analysis would benefit from also considering the song’s complex musical compositions. In a word, integrating both lyrical and musical aspects could offer us a more comprehensive understanding of Freddie Mercury’s emotional depth.
I wanted to highlight that your conclusion looks really good! It is concise, straightforward, and flows well. The sentence structure and sentence order you used also work nicely in the conclusion. Great job!
This essay will provide a summary of Winahyu’s arguments and critically evaluate the effectiveness of his interpretations
I think you did really great being straightforward regarding these sentences. However, I cannot help but wonder how the flow could be improved if you re-phrase the sentence to emit "this essay will provide a summary". Therefore, I would suggest to try to re-write the sentence without that phrase.
This approach could also potentially reveal additional dimensions of his emotional and psychological state that are not fully explored in Winahyu’s analysis.
I think that this is a really great idea. However, since this idea comes up, I wonder what specific "additional dimensions" are you thinking about? I think that adding a few sentences regarding this topic could help strengthen this sentence.
According to Winahyu (2019), “Love of My Life” expresses Mercury’s longing for normal love back, which means his heterosexual love with Mary Austin, even though Freddie’s sexuality has caused their separation.
Once again, though the content is really great, this sentence seems pretty long and wordy. I wonder how it will look and flow if it is divided into more than one sentence. I think this will help minimize the wordiness of this sentence.
The connection between Mercury's Zoroastrian beliefs and his lyrical content highlights the depth of his struggles and significantly impacts people's understanding and interpretation to the song. However, Winahyu’s argument primarily focuses on the lyrics solely.
Great, the overall flow and ideas explained come together very nicely. But, I wonder how you could enhance you argument with more specific textual evidence. I noticed that in this paragraph there is no textual evidence so I would suggest to perhaps consider adding more evidence to support this idea. This structural change will most definitely make your argument stronger.
He mentions that “as the Zoroastrian belief that there is a court after death……His life, which he realized he had chosen the wrong soul, must be accounted for later” (p. 810). But by the end of the song, the lyrics says “Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,” which indicates that instead of bowing to his fate with despair, Freddie chooses to find peace with his internal conflicts.
I think your ideas that you are sharing are very interesting. However, I think I am having a little trouble with these sentences. Specifically, after the quote, I wonder how it will flow if you explained the relevance of the quote a little bit more. This is because the transition from the quote to the concluding sentence feels a little abrupt. Also, I noticed that I didn't really understand the raw quote, so further explanation may help fill this gap. Goodjob!
In this essay, I will examine Sri Kusuma Winahyu’s “Author’s inner conflict in the songs ‘Love of My Life’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’”, a peer-reviewed article that explores the inner conflicts of Freddie Mercury, the vocalist of English band Queen, through examining the background stories and lyrics of “Love of My Life” and “Bohemian Rhapsody” which are two songs Mercury wrote.
This is a really great concise explanation of what the essay will be about. However, I wonder how it will look if you decided to add a hook rather than starting with "In this essay". I think this could help grab the reader's attention and overall enhance the flow of your writing.
Playlist & Listening Guide
The structure of this site looks good, especially the text. I would suggest adding a picture to the top of the page to enhance the structure of the site. Other than that, this looks great!
In 1970s Britain, when homosexuality was not widely accepted, Mercury realized his homosexuality and broke up with his girlfriend.
I like how you are trying tot fit in a lot of content into your writing! However, I wonder how it would affect the flow of your writing if you were to re-phrase this sentence. Perhaps slightly altering the text to be like "1970s Britain was a time where homosexuality was not accepted. Mercury realized his identity and broke up with his girlfriend" could help shorten this sentence and improve its wordiness in this sentence. Still, great job!
Moreover, it’s equally important to recognize that every member of Queen played a crucial role in its creation.
Great job writing this entire essay! It had a lot of great ideas and content. The only thing I wonder is what would happen if you changed this sentence. I noticed that you did not discuss a lot about other members of Queen. Therefore, I would not suggest bringing up a new topic in the writing at the end. With this in mind, perhaps add more sentences throughout the writing to prove this point or maybe do not mention it only at the end. Great job!
However, by the conclusion of the song, the line “Nothing really matters—nothing really matters to me” conveys his acceptance. Instead of succumbing to despair over his fate, Mercury chooses to find peace within his internal conflicts. And that is how Freddie Mercury’s unique upbringing and emotional experiences had a significant impact on the creation of this song.
The structure of this section of the writing was really great! I think you did a great job going from evidence from a source to analyzing the meaning and drawing a conclusion. In other words, the overall flow of these sentences was great. Good Job!
The depth of his thought and his unique expressive style are the key reasons why “Bohemian Rhapsody” cannot be replicated or surpassed by future generations.
I like how this sentence is structured. It is concise yet detailed! However, I wonder how it would look if this conclusion was slightly different. I would suggest focusing more on concluding the content in the paragraph such as Mercury's battle with his sexuality rather than stating that "are the key reasons why “Bohemian Rhapsody” cannot be replicated or surpassed by future generations" may help keep the sentence more connected to the paragraph..
Then, the ballad section smoothly connects to the intro, and while the last phrase has not finished, the guitar solo integrates into the third part. Following this is the song’s most innovative section: the opera. The rich harmonies and melodies in the operatic part echo the intro, making it sound new but not discordant. And finally, the song reconnects with the unfinished line from the ballad, bringing it to a smooth ending.
Great Job using this sort of chronological structure in this section of your writing. The chronology was really nicely used to create a natural flow of sentences when discussing the musicality of the ballad section. Good Job!
Indeed, while the song was quite long for its time, its elements are anything but disconnected.
I think this was a great description of your viewpoint! Great work! The only thing I would suggest is looking over your writing to make sure that all the tense uses are the same. Specifically I would look at "are" in this sentence.
In March 2019, the movie “Bohemian Rhapsody” caused quite a stir in China and introduced Queen to the mainstream audience for the first time. As a middle school student, I experienced this phenomenon firsthand when I watched the film in the theater. I clearly remember the shock I felt when I first heard “Bohemian Rhapsody” and the entire audience in the theater sang it along together. Before that, no other song had ever made me feel that shock.
This was a great hook in my opinion. I think it nicely grabbed the reader's attention, is relevant to your overall writing, and is just overall nicely written. Great job in this structural structure!
Nearly fifty years earlier, this song had also made such a stir on the other side of the world in the UK
Great sentence! I like your use of vocabulary and sentence structure. The only thing I would suggest is to remove "such". I think this change could help enhance the readability of the writing.
Playlist:Queen. “Killer Queen” from Sheer Heart Attack. EMI Records: 1974.Queen. “Bohemian Rhapsody” from A Night at the Opera. EMI Records: 1975.Queen. “Love of My Life” from A Night at the Opera. EMI Records: 1975.Barry Ryan. “Eloise” from Barry Ryan Sings Paul Ryan. MGM Records: 1968.THE YELLOW MONKEY. “I don’t know” from 9999. Warner Music Japan: 2019.VK Blanka. “Slave of Love” from Slave of Love. Avex Entertainment: 2016.Queen Bee. “Fire” from Fire (Full Edition) - EP. Sony Music Entertainment (Japan): 2019.Queen. “Bohemian Rhapsody (Live Aid)” from Bohemian Rhapsody (The Original Soundtrack). Hollywood Records and Virgin EMI: 2018.
I really like the way you embedded the music into the site. It really enhances the over structure of the page. Also I like the playlist that was provided! One suggestion I have to enhance the structural aspect of the site is to perhaps add hyperlinks to the music itself (links). This could help add more detail to your structure.
After the crowd of 72,000 audience members sang along to “We Are the Champions”, Queen’s legendary Live Aid performance came to a close, leaving an atmosphere of unity and triumph echoed long after the final notes faded away.
Great job! I thought this entire paragraph was a great conclusion. However, I noticed that this particular sentence seemed to run a little bit long. I wonder if you could split the sentence into two or make it more concise. I believe that doing this will make it easier to read overall.
Finally, we have the Live Aid version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. The reason I didn’t place it first is that this iconic performance serves as a powerful culmination of everything that makes the song legendary.
I believe you did a great job ordering the structural paragraphs the way that they were. I noticed that this order from context, to different compositional and theme connections, and finally coming back to the original song was most logical and clear. Great job!
Similar ideas of love and devotion are expressed in our fourth song, “Eloise” by Barry Ryan. Another reason I chose this song is that Freddie Mercury was actually inspired by the length and the operatic elements of this song and he relied on the precedent of “Eloise”’s six-minute length to counter EMI Records’ hesitance in releasing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. The most notable part of this song is its huge change in emotions between verses and the somehow operatic elements of the vocal.
I think you did great discussing the song and its connection to "Bohemian Rhapsody". I wonder how you could enhance the flow by moving the sentences around. Specifically, I would recommend moving the first sentence near the last sentence because they both discuss emotions. Furthermore, I would suggest adding a sentence after the first sentence to elaborate on the ideas of "love and devotion" that are expressed in these songs. I think that making these changes will help enhance the argument and its focus.
So when you listen to these two songs, please focus on their lyrics and try to find out Freddie’s inner thoughts.
I think you did a good job structuring the overall order of sentences in this paragraph. However, I wonder how it would enhance your argument if you specify which lyrics to listen to and elaborate how exactly they connect to Freddie's inner thoughts. I think this change will clarify and enhance your overall argument.
As you listen, you can feel the intricate techniques of both tracks which show Queen’s artistic journey and their endless pursuit of musical innovation.
Once again, I think you did well highlighting the compositional style that you discussed in your second paragraph. I wonder if you could perhaps add information regarding how this song also connects to Freddie Mercury's journey of self-discovery, his complex emotions, and the overall theme in "Bohemian Rhapsody". By doing so, I think you could further connect these pieces to a larger idea or theme.
The recording of this song features elaborate four-part harmonies and multi-track recording, which were also applied to the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” later in an elaborated level.
I think this specific compositional style relates well with your specific piece of music. However, I wonder how you could enhance your argument if you added a sentence or two regarding how this song could also potentially connect to the inner struggles of Freddie Mercury and the overall theme of the piece.
From 1968 to 2019, musicians all over the world have never stopped innovating. Each song in this playlist either emphasizes distinctive compositional styles, reveals inner struggles and journeys of self-discovery, or conveys their complex emotions as Freddie Mercury did in “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Also, you may expect to see how these artists who obviously live in completely different times influence or are influenced by one another. This interplay between generations adds depth to the musical landscape, revealing the creativity that spans decades and connects diverse voices. This playlist features songs by Queen along with other songs that have a unique connection to “Bohemian Rhapsody”, including British and Japanese rock music. It also features one of the most impactful live versions of the song. Let’s explore the creativity of artists across the world and look deep into their inner thoughts.
I wanted to point out that the structure of this paragraph worked really well. I think your ideas were clear, well presented, and organized. Great job!
This song is a symbol of uniqueness and innovation in both genre and theme and has completely changed how people perceive rock music. Its groundbreaking structure and fusion of multiple genres left the audience jaw-dropping and challenged traditional songwriting conventions.
The content and idea you are trying to get across in these sentences are great! The only structural suggestion I have is to change the order around a little bit. I wonder how the flow would change if you changed your sentence/phrase order. For example, you could change it to the following: "This song is a symbol of uniqueness and innovation in both genre and theme". "Its groundbreaking structure and fusion of multiple genres challenges traditional songwriting conventions, completely changing how people perceive rock music". By changing the sentence order I think you could enhance the impact of your argument.
In 1985, in front of 72,000 people at Wembley Stadium in London, a British band made the entire audience and over 1.5 billion viewers go wild. A man in a white shirt and jeans with a mustache struck a few chords on the piano and began his performance.
I think that this structure that you used, show rather than tell, works really well. It really helps grab the audience's attention. The only suggestion I have would be to add a sentence after this section to connect the 'show rather than tell' to the rest of the writing. I wonder how this change could enhance the flow of your writing.
Home
I love the way you added the video at the top of the page. This really adds to the structure of the site! The only thing I would suggest is to add hyperlinks and perhaps center the writing so there are no spaces on the margins. The structure of the site looks super good so far!
Its unique structure, comprising distinct sections that shift seamlessly from a piano ballad to a dramatic opera then a powerful hard rock segment, challenges conventional songwriting norms. As noted by Ken McLeod (2001), the successful fusion of opera into rock not only shows Mercury’s skillfulness and creativity but also highlights his dramatic flair.
I really liked the structure you utilized in these sentences. I think you did a good job ordering them from discussing the genre to giving a specific source regarding this idea. Therefore, I think this is a great example of where the structure worked really well.
“Listening Guide”
Once again, I think you did a good job mentioning your other pieces of writing. However, I wonder how you could enhance your writing by changing the title "Listening Guide".
“Final Major Essay (Title Undecided)” sections, I will provide more examples to illustrate the pervasive influence of Queen.
Again, I think that you did great mentioning your other pieces of writing. However, I wonder how you could enhance the content and argument you are making on "spreading throughout various musical styles and inspiring many artists across generations and nations" by elaborating more on the content in your "Final Major Essay". By making this structural change and adding a sentence or two about your "Final Major Essay" I think you could enhance your argument.
Their song “I Don’t Know” conveys a similar spirit of self-exploration and emotional depth, echoing the themes present in Queen’s work. Moreover, the operatic elements that Ken McLeod discusses further illustrate how “Bohemian Rhapsody” has inspired artists to incorporate dramatic operatic elements into their compositions (2001). In the “Listening Guide
I wanted to highlight this section. I think you did a great job incorporating the "Listening Guide" into your writing. One structural change I would suggest is to mention the "Listening guide" early on when you first mention "THE YELLOW MONKEY". I wonder if this will enhance the flow of your writing. Great job!
The song’s innovative structure and genre-blending elements have reshaped the music landscape, inspiring musicians to explore the boundaries of their creativity.
I just wanted to say that I really liked this sentence. I really liked the vocabulary, structure, and clarity!
“Critical Reading Assignment” and “Music Review”
I believe your writing looks really great so far! I would just suggest to create different names for the "Critical Reading Assignment" and "Music Review". Doing so may make the content of your writing clearer and enhance the flow of the writing.
In both the “Critical Reading Assignment” and “Music Review” sections of this portfolio, there are detailed explanations of the lyrics of this song and a more detailed background story of Freddie Mercury.
Once again, great job referencing back to other pages and your writing! However, I wonder how your references could be further incorporated into your paragraph and its ideas. I would suggest to try to incorporate your "Critical Reading Assignment" and "Music Review" by mentioning specific parts of each writing and weaving it with your previous sentences describing Mercury's experience.
According to Winahyu’s interpretation, Freddie Mercury’s internal conflict adds layers of meaning to the lyrics, suggesting that he was grappling with his identity as he wrote this iconic piece.
I think this sentence has a lot of good content and ideas it is trying to share. However, I think I am having a little trouble understanding it. How does Freddie Mercury's internal conflicts suggest he was grappling with his identity? Or did you mean to say that his internal conflicts was his difficulty finding his identity? This sentence was slightly confusing to me, so perhaps you could re-word this sentence to have more clarity. Still, great job!
Besides its musicality, “Bohemian Rhapsody” is also closely connected with Freddie Mercury’s personal journey and struggles
I just wanted to highlight this sentence because I believe it is a great transition to your next big idea.
In the “Why is Bohemian Rhapsody Non-Replicable” section, I provide a more thorough reflection about the composition of this song.
I think that this is a great way to incorporate another piece of writing into your introduction. I wonder how your paragraph will flow if you moved this sentence to before "The song elevates..." and change this sentence to say something like "As in my discussion of the composition of this song in the "Why is Bohemian Rhapsody Non-Replicable" section...". This structural change may help further incorporate your other writing into your introduction.
But overall, the unique arrangement and the fluid transitions between various musical styles elevated the musicality of this song, highlighting why “Bohemian Rhapsody” remains an unmatched masterpiece in music history.
The content and topics you are trying to say in this sentence are great! They help conclude this paragraph and your ideas. However, I wonder how the flow may change if you divide the sentence into two or re-structure the sentence. This change may help with the current wordiness of the sentence.
3. “3 O’Clock Things” AJR
I noticed how you numbered each of the pieces of media that related with Hamilton. I thought that this was a very smart structure because this helps identify and clarify each section. Good choice! Another way to perhaps enhance the structure of this site is to add pictures of these specific scenes!
It’s difficult to think of a recent musical that’s had as massive a cultural impact as Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. The hip-hop account of Alexander Hamilton’s life premiered on Broadway in 2015, becoming a hit that sparked conversations about America’s past, the stories we choose to remember, and who tells them. The musical’s impact isn’t just about sold-out shows and numerous awards. It became a new cultural phenomenon, weaving itself into the society and politics of modern America. The show’s influence can be found everywhere, from classrooms to comedy sketches. (I still remember singing “You’ll Be Back” during my fifth grade graduation in 2017). The way Hamilton has filtered into various forms of media is a testament to its relevance. References pop up in everything from The Good Place to one of AJR’s songs, not just as meaningless lines but as a means of engaging audiences in social issues, identity, and politics. Here, I’ll explore how Hamilton has made its way across different corners of media and how each reference reflects not only the musical’s popularity but its power to make us think more deeply about society and politics.
I liked the overall way you structured this introduction. The flow that you developed by discussing Hamilton being very successful to having a cultural impact on society and politics was very well done. Also, I really enjoyed the personal reference you added to the introduction paragraph. Overall, the way you structured the introduction paragraph in terms of sentence structure variations and sentence order was very relevant, clear, and well done. Great job!
Hamilton in the Media
Great title! I think the title you chose is not only concise but also straightforward, encompassing everything you discuss in your writing. This structural element of this page is very nice!
As shown through the references above, Hamilton is more than a catchy soundtrack: it is a vehicle for dialogue and a way through which other creators can make sense of America’s complex identity. The cultural significance of Hamilton extends beyond its Broadway success; the musical has deeply influenced modern media by providing a way to address social justice, political identity, and American values.
I love what you are saying in these sentences. However, I wonder if you can enhance the flow of the writing by changing the order of your writing. If I interpreted your writing correctly, I believe this statement "The cultural significance of Hamilton extends beyond its Broadway success; the musical has deeply influenced modern media by providing a way to address social justice, political identity, and American values." is your main argument. Therefore, maybe try incorporating this sentence first, then deepen the discussion of how Hamilton is a vehicle for dialogue, etc. Great job with the content!
One Day at a Time is centered around a Cuban-American family and discusses various “social and cultural issues such as immigration, mental health, LGBTQ+ rights, and gender inequality” (Loik 2023).
Once again this is really great context. However, I do wonder what you think about putting the context first. This structural change may help provide a broad overview about the reason this Hamilton related reference (“immigrants, we get the job done”) was able to come about.
As alluded to by the name, the song is “an open book for AJR’s ‘shower thoughts’ that occur at 3 in the morning” and “is mostly about issues such as politics, college, and racism, and how the band feels as if they shouldn’t mention their opinions on such things to avoid losing their fans and/or friends” (Wiki Fandom 2021).
I think these sentences provide good context to the song "3 O'Clock Things". I wonder how the flow may improve if they are placed at the very beginning of the paragraph. Making this structural change may help improve the flow because starting with "In their song “3 O’Clock Things,” AJR includes the line “If I keep on talking politics, I’m Hamilton, without the hits” (AJR 2021, at 1:52-58)" felt slightly abrupt to me. By providing context then slowly leading the reader into the actual quote, the flow and clarity of the paragraph may improve. Specifically, to someone like me who does not know this song or its context, starting with the context is more beneficial to understand the argument/idea better.
This is an odd way to tell the town’s story, depict the town’s glory, And get you to follow me to Star’s Hollow, see? Magnetic, yo, I’m just like Magneto.
I like how you included the specific dialogue/lines of the show. However, I wonder what some of these lines mean and if they are necessary to include. Some of the lines in this dialogue seem unnecessary such as,
"This is an odd way to tell the town’s story, depict the town’s glory,
And get you to follow me to Star’s Hollow, see?
Magnetic, yo, I’m just like Magneto."
Therefore, I suggest you make a structural change to remove unnecessary lines to make your writing more concise and clear.
In the television show Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, the town of Star’s Hollow is putting on a musical and Taylor Doose, the runner of town meetings, is determined to include a rapping character:
I liked how you once again provided background context to the show "Gilmore Girls". However, I wonder if you could include more context regarding the storyline or any essential things the reader should know when reading dialogue from the character. For example, what musical are they putting on? who is the character that is rapping? Is there a strike that's going on? etc.
In The Good Place, a comedy series created by Michael Schur, “Eleanor Shellstrop, a self-centered woman who dies and finds herself in the afterlife,… realizes she was mistaken for someone else and did not deserve to be there. Along with her new friends and neighbors - Chidi, Tahani, and Jason - Eleanor deals with philosophical and ethical themes about life and death” (Loik 2023).
I liked how you provided context for the statement regarding Hamilton that comes later on. I think the inclusion of these sentences really help readers (such as myself) who do not have any prior knowledge regarding the show understand the flow of the writing better. With this context, I can get a better grasp to why she stated "So it’s like in Hamilton when Burr sings ‘talk less, smile more’?" (attempting to become a better person). Great job adding the context!
PlaylistBilly Joel. “Vienna” from The Stranger. Columbia Records: 1977.Leslie Odom Jr. “Wait For It” from Hamilton. Atlantic Records: 2015.“Man of the Hour” (feat. Jevon) from New Gen. 2017.Leslie Odom Jr. “Ja Burr!” from Hamilton Apocrypha. #HAM4HAM. 2016.Olivia Rodrigo. “Lacy” from GUTS. Geffen Records: 2023. Linkin Park. “In the End” from Hybrid Theory. Warner Bros: 2001.
I really liked the way you structured this page. The addition of the specific songs embedded into the page was a great idea. I also liked how you first listed out the playlist at the top. Great job!
The order of the songs gradually reveals the darker, more intense feelings that push Burr to the edge.
I completely agree! The order of the songs were really well placed and I could see the story unravel. Nice work!
he lyrics in “In the End” illustrate this shift by showing the pointlessness in trying to hold onto control as time moves on and life unravels around you. Lyrics in the song like “It doesn’t even matter how hard you try” and “I wasted it all just watch you go” (“it” refers to time) takes the ideas planted in “Wait For It” to the next level. They show the most extreme version of what Burr’s line of thinking leads to.
I once again really like the explanation you used for this song. As you said, the lyrics in this song "takes the ideas planted in “Wait For It” to the next level". This song fits so well with this playlist and I really agree with your choice of putting this song last. I think the structural order of the songs in this playlist worked really well overall. Great job!
The frustration and obsession that is deep in these lines is so similar to those that Burr feels. Musically, both songs use strings to build tension, specifically before the bridges, which can connect to the growing intensity of the characters’ emotions.
Through this explanation I can see why you chose to order this playlist in the current manner. Great job! I really liked how you connected the two songs by using the lyrics in "Lacy" and the story in your song "Wait For It". The lyrics truly showed exactly how Burr felt so I think you did a great job choosing this song and placing it where it is on the playlist (the structure works really well here). Great job!
It is placed near the middle of the playlist because it shows Burr’s commitment to his way of thinking.
Great! I love how you mentioned the reasoning to why you placed this song where it is. I completely agree with you. I do wonder how the flow of this sentence can be improved though. Right now it seems pretty abrupt. Maybe if you change the phrasing of the sentence to starting with "Due to Burr's commitment to his way of thinking..." this could help connect the previous sentence to this one and enhance the overall flow. Therefore, this structural change is the only suggestion I have. Great job!
Also, one theme of “Man of the Hour” seems to be rising up in status and overcoming obstacles to achieve success which is related to themes in “Wait For It.”
I like this deeper connection that you are making in your description. I wonder if you can add a few sentences to elaborate on this. What specific themes in "Wait For It" is also shown in the themes of "Man of the Hour"? Did you notice these themes in the lyrics or musical elements? I believe that elaborating on these questions will help deepen the connection between the two songs
When listening, focus on the progression in terms of musical composition, addition of instruments, and also the story behind the lyrics.
Great! I could definitely hear this change in the music. However, I wonder if you could also include the reason why we should listen for these characteristics. Does these musical changes show something specifically that advances your argument? I think it would be good to have a sentence or two explaining what these musical elements show in-context with your current argument.
Parts of Burr’s view of Hamilton is shown in the lyrics of “Wait For It” during the bridge: “Hamilton doesn’t hesitate / He exhibits no restraint.” This lack of patience is what the messaging behind “Vienna” and what Burr advises against. One interpretation of “Vienna” is that it’s all about slowing down and being present when growing older.
I really liked the way you structured the order of this entire paragraph. The movement from the discussion of the lyrics to the interpretations of the songs flows really easily. I think the order of sentences that you have are great along with the reasoning behind each quote. Specifically, I really liked the transition from "This lack of patience is what the messaging behind “Vienna” and what Burr advises against." to this sentence "One interpretation of “Vienna” is that it’s all about slowing down and being present when growing older." Great job!
With over 5 million streams on Spotify, “Wait For It” is definitely a popular song from the musical Hamilton. But what makes it resonate with so many people? Is it the catchy pop melody and composition? The beautiful and powerful vocals that Leslie Odom Jr. sings? The lyrical depth that Lin-Manuel Miranda created?
I love this hook / the beginning sentences. For someone who does not know a lot about this song, the streaming count and the questions makes you curious about the song. I believe this was a great way to draw in the reader and make them really focused into your writing. Great Job!
While experiencing his emotional unraveling, this listening guide will draw connections from the musical and lyrical elements of each song to “Wait For It.”
I loved this introduction paragraph. It does an amazing job providing context of the song in an engaging manner. I think you did great utilizing the show rather than tell method. It really makes me excited to get to listen to this playlist. Great Job!
Continue to “Playlist & Listening Guide: Inside the Mind of Aaron Burr”
The structure and format of the writing in this page looks pretty good! However, I wonder if you can center your writing or do something to fill the blank spaces. Perhaps this could help with the overall structure of your project.
Critique: Hamilton as a Myth?
I just wanted to highlight this title. It is a really good title that ties everything in this page together. Great Job!
Another aspect of the article that can be critiqued is Whall’s utilization of several implicit arguments
I noticed that this was a really great topic sentence for this paragraph. It was concise, clear, and yet fully descriptive of the argument or topic that will be discussed. Great Job!
There are several compelling facets of the article that provide a basis for further discussion. One of which being the sequence of examining specific characters in the musical, how they are portrayed through lyrics and stage presence, their casting choice, and relationship to other characters.
I think this is a good transition from the previous paragraph to this one. However, I wonder if you can also include the main topic of this paragraph into this first sentence rather than splitting it up into two sentences. I think this change could help the flow and overall cohesiveness of your writing.
e.
I noticed that this is a really concise and straightforward introduction. However, I wonder if you can add more context about critical reading or this source rather than go straight into your thesis. I believe that making this change will allow your writing to flow better.
Found
This is a very clear sentence that gets the information across regarding the origin of the source. However, I wonder if you are able to create a better opening sentence that can help draw the attention of the audience. A better hook will be able to create a more engaged audience that will be more focused on your writing. Then, the information about the reading can come in a sentence or two after.
Overall, the article’s exploration of Hamilton sheds light on a new way of viewing the musical as broader than its context and history. It is well-researched with sources that contribute to creating a well-developed argument.
I like how your conclusion is very straightforward and precise. However, I wonder if you can add more to your conclusion such as a quick recap of the arguments you made and a further discussion of its relevance with your song or play. I think this could help leave the audience with more clarity regarding the points and ideas you were making.
Another aspect of the article that can be critiqued is Whall’s utilization of several implicit arguments. While this can be necessary in writing an argument, especially when incorporating opinion, too many statements without proper backing could make it difficult for the reader to follow along or even be damaging to credibility. However, Whall strikes a reasonable balance between inserting opinion and evidence to advance her argument. For example, Miranda’s Aaron Burr is said to be “depicted as an ambitious man who would not make commitments” and later “presented throughout as a weak and jealous man” (246). While there is no explicit evidence to support these claims written directly in the article, it is assumed that the readers would be able to draw that conclusion from watching the musical. As support, Whall chooses to mention songs that Aaron Burr sings such as ‘The Room Where It Happened’ and ‘Dear Theodosia’ which add specific points of references to the musical (246). Instead of quoting and breaking down the songs, she makes brief implicit claims to how they provide depth to Burr’s character. Because this is a subsection of the main argument, it is understandable why one character would not be studied further, but there is room to provide more context in further writings.
This entire paragraph was really well written. I like the way that you formatted your argument, your ideas were clear, and your writing was very well done. The structure of the writing here was also very well done. The way you incorporated the evidence to your argument regarding incorporating opinion was done perfectly. Great job on this paragraph!
For example, when Whall analyzes the choices made surrounding George Washington, she differentiates his character and meaning from King George III: Miranda’s “George III is the epitome of European empire building and colonization. He is not attractive. By contrast, America’s ‘true’ founding fathers are revolutionaries who are representative of, associated with and performed by ‘people of colour’” (247). She furthers her analysis of Washington by stating that “through the power of artistic representation and acting skill, audience members should realize the metaphoric truth: not only can a black man play an historically white Washington, a black man could become an historical president. And did” (247). This initial comparison of two characters and then implicit argument shows deep reflection and reliance on the facts of the musical to make an interpretation that is thought-provoking and convincing.
I really liked the way you ordered you thoughts and analysis regarding King George III. I think your sentence structure orders are very clear and develop an organized discussion of your topic. Great job! I once again wonder if you can tie in your argument specifically into the evidence and reasoning a little bit more, but other than that great job!
Whall’s argument is relevant and valuable to review because it sheds light on a new way of viewing history that can alter how people move forward with progressing society and culture. She displays Hamilton as an example of incorporating elements of the past with creativity to have this cultural impact.
I think there is a lot of great content in this paragraph. From discussing the deconstruction and reconstruction of Hamilton, to discussing the specific casting choices, you have a lot of ideas you are mentioning. Personally, as a reader, I think I lost sight of the argument as I was reading. Only when I got to this sentence did the argument make more sense. Therefore, I wonder if you could also mention this specific argument in the beginning of the paragraph and throughout your discussions to further emphasize clarity. Great job with the content in this paragraph!
Wait For It"
The title structure looks great! I wonder if the structure of the overall site can be improved with the use of pictures. Maybe take this into consideration when you edit your pages later on!
To conclude, “Wait for It” humanizes Aaron Burr, moving away from the notion that in storytelling, in this case musicals, the foil to the main character should be viewed solely in a negative light. Miranda inspires listeners to reflect on the dualities within others and themselves. Ultimately, the song can be a reminder that people are all capable of both good and bad, and understanding that complexity can create a more comprehensive and compassionate view of history and humanity. This page has paths: 1 2024-11-05T07:00:25-08:00 Annalisa Abbate bbb7ba83df9757a9e38fe10bf348e2e600842172 Table of Contents Annalisa Abbate 4 toc 1558756 2024-11-05T08:40:47-08:00 Annalisa Abbate bbb7ba83df9757a9e38fe10bf348e2e600842172 Contents of this path: 1 2024-10-29T09:17:00-07:00 Introduction 4 plain 2024-11-06T13:02:43-08:00 1 2024-10-31T09:54:26-07:00 Music Review of "Wait For It" 7 plain 1559224 2024-11-06T07:41:09-08:00 1 2024-10-31T09:51:13-07:00 Critique: Hamilton as a Myth? 7 plain 1559757 2024-11-06T13:14:24-08:00 1 media/228DA6D8-B683-4DF7-846E-E686090B8882 - Lincoln Duckson.jpeg 2024-10-29T09:33:46-07:00 Playlist & Listening Guide: Inside the Mind of Aaron Burr 12 plain 2024-11-06T13:15:29-08:00 1 2024-11-05T06:49:18-08:00 Hamilton in the Media 4 plain 2024-11-06T13:16:12-08:00 1 2024-11-05T07:01:12-08:00 Bibliography 5 plain 2024-11-06T21:19:11-08:00
I think you did a great job with this conclusion. Your argument is clear, straightforward, and overall great. The sentence structure and order was great as well. Good job!
ls. T
These are once again great ideas and statements. However, I wonder if you could add some sort of transition between these sentences. Right now it feels a little choppy. Therefore, adding a transition could definitely increase the readability and flow of the text.
“Burr is every bit as smart as Hamilton, and every bit as gifted, and he comes from the same amount of loss as Hamilton. But because of the way they are wired Burr hangs back where Hamilton charges forward. I feel like I have been Burr in my life as many times as I have been Hamilton” (Mead)
I liked every part of this paragraph, your argument, evidence, and explanation. The only thing I wonder if you could change is the length of the quote. I feel like the current quote seems a bit long. Would It be possible to use a specific part then explain further using your own words? Great job!
it is a personal and universal narrative that everyone can experience.
This Is a great statement! Good job!
In Volume 12, Issue 2 of the Studies in Musical Theatre, Stay Wolf states that Eliza’s “singularity is especially striking when compared to other solo numbers that nonetheless get the ensemble’s support, such as Burr’s ‘Wait for It’” (Wolf 175). Although Aaron Burr is not a part of Wolf’s main argument about the role of women in Hamilton, this comparison highlights how Burr as a character is not as isolated as he may seem. The
I believe I am slightly confused with these sentences. I am not quite sure I understand what is being discussed. Therefore, I wonder if you could re-phrase these sentences to make the argument more straightforward. This would definitely enhance the clarity of your writing.
song’s emotional impact
I love how you are discussing the musicality of the song. The only thing I wonder with this sentence is your meaning of the "song's emotional impact". What emotional impact are you suggesting? I believe that clarifying this idea could truly help your writing clarity and ideas.
The sound and production of the song contributes to the meaning in a different way.
This is a wonderful topic sentence! However, I wonder if you could add some sort of transition between the previous paragraph to this one. This may help the flow of the writing to be more cohesive. The transition may be at the final sentence of the previous paragraph or at the beginning sentence of this paragraph, but I just hope you add one to help the flow.
These lines show a sense of vulnerability from Burr. His willingness to wait for Theodosia is evidence of his deeper emotional capacity, indicating how he is able to be patient and committed to her. Then, the song reveals the losses Burr has endured, specifically through his parents: “When they died they left no instructions / Just a legacy to protect” (1:07-10). This lyric sheds light on a feeling of responsibility that Burr carries regarding living life. He carries a caution with him which explains how his actions are not driven mainly by ambition, but a combination of fear, love, and survival
I love the way you ordered your sentences here! The order allows the reader to understand Burr's vulnerability and burden making him more human. I think that this sentence structure really helped emphasize and organize your ideas/argument. Great job with this paragraph!
“Wait for It,”
I think that this is a really great way to have a direct introduction. However, I do wonder how the paragraph may flow if you utilize the show over tell method. I think that using this method could enhance the general flow of ideas and just enhance the readability of the writing.
Introduction
The overall structure of the writing looks really nice! I would just suggest adding hyperlinks to connect the different pages you mention. Also, I would recommend adding a picture or image to perhaps encourage reader engagement. Other than that, the structure looks great!
The song doesn’t solely matter because of its lyrical and musical elements, but also because of the musical’s social and cultural impact, specifically in America.
I like the vocabulary that you used in these sentences. However, I found the statement slightly confusing and hard to read. If I am interpreting your writing correctly, I wonder how your writing will flow if you edit your sentence to something like "The song doesn’t solely matter because of its lyrical and musical elements, but rather because of the musical’s social and cultural impact".
Whall strategically utilizes pieces of criticism which, while seeming to be in the minority compared to the musical’s popularity, shows that the song “Wait For It” is a part of larger discourse in America—not just about the story of the founding of America, but also about how people today interact with that story
You did a great job discussing the content in this sentence. However, I noticed that this overall sentence seems really long. I wonder how it would look if it was divided and changed to be more concise. I think that this change could really help with the readability and clarity of your ideas.
culture.
I really liked this paragraph. The way you discussed your ideas and used different sentence structure really helped enhance your argument. Specifically, I really liked the way you ordered your sentences in your writing. They made the flow of the paragraph really nice. Great Job!
I draw on the idea that the Internet has affected show tunes after Hamilton’s release from Laurence Maslon’s “History Has Its Eyes on You: The Internet and the Mixtape of Broadway” in order to reveal not only the impact of Hamilton but also the impact of social media
I think this sentence has a lot of good content and ideas. However, I wonder how it would look if it is divided into two sentences with the second sentence beginning after “History Has Its Eyes on You: The Internet and the Mixtape of Broadway”. Doing so may help the clarity of your statement and overall readability. Great job though!
“Hamilton in the Media”
I think that this is a great way to start of your paragraph. One thing I noticed was that you had not used any hyperlinks within this essay. So, one structural change I think you could potentially utilize is adding hyperlinks to each page where the analysis takes place. This could help bring your entire project together.
Both lyrical and musical connections are drawn
Great statement and incorporation of the playlist and listening guide into your introduction! I noticed that you stated "Both lyrical and musical connections are drawn". Regarding this statement, I wonder what specific lyrical and musical connections were drawn and how they enhanced your argument. Maybe consider providing more details in this paragraph to strengthen your position and ideas.
how people today interact with that story
I think you did a great job structuring this paragraph. However, I do wonder how changing some of the sentence order can enhance the focus or argument. Based on my understanding I believe this statement is your main argument. With this in mind, I think you could bring this statement out in the beginning of the paragraph then use the critical reading assignment source and other sources to support this idea. If this was not your intention, perhaps there are ways to further clarify your main argument. Great job with this paragraph though!
The song discusses themes of love, death, and life which are all aspects of the human experience, contributing to the relatability of the song and how it can touch the lives of many
This is a great sentence that clearly shows the content you will be discussing throughout your paper! I really like how the sentence is structured, but I wonder if you could potentially rephrase "how it can touch the lives of many" to enhance readability. Perhaps you could change it to "touching the lives of many" to fit with " contributing to the relatability of the song". Nonetheless, great job!
MUSIC 1701: Bohemian Rhapsodyby Youyou Xie
Hi Youyou!
Great job on this project! Your analysis effectively explores Freddie Mercury’s inner struggles with identity, the Queen’s cultural impact, and the significance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" in relation to themes like AIDS awareness. By contextualizing Mercury’s inner conflict with his identity and sexuality, you show a deep understanding of the context behind the song. You also did a fantastic job highlighting Queen’s genre-blending approach and groundbreaking use of music videos, which helped contextualize the song as not just a song but as a musical artifact. Overall, the content was thorough and insightful.
Structurally, your introductions are especially strong, consistently capturing the audience’s attention in a compelling way. The introduction to “Behind the Lyrics: Uncovering Freddie Mercury's Inner Struggles” could benefit from a slight tweak to the hook to enhance reader engagement, but overall, your intros grabbed my attention for each essay. Additionally, your use of credible sources and thorough reasonings significantly strengthens your arguments. The sentence structure throughout is also well-organized and flows well. I do recommend revisiting a few sections where there were slightly abrupt topic shifts because changing this will further enhance the flow.
Overall, there are a few areas where you could make the essays even more readable. Some longer sentences, while informative, become wordy and slightly challenging to follow. By breaking these into shorter, more concise sentences, you could enhance readability. In terms of analysis, you did well discussing the context of the song. I would just suggest that you dive deeper into the song’s musical composition (instruments, dynamics, etc.). This is because discussing the song’s intricate musical aspects, voice, dynamics, and instrumentals, would add another layer to your interpretation of this song.
As for the general site layout, I found that it was cohesive and each essay linked effectively through the main topics of identity, context, and cultural impact. However, to elevate the visual appeal, consider incorporating more images. This would not only hold the audience’s attention but also visually support your arguments. Overall, your project was impressive in both content and structure. Great job!
MUSIC 1701 Final Project
Hi Annalisa!
I think you did a fantastic job on your project. The analysis effectively discusses various topics like the reconstruction of American history, the humanization of Aaron Burr, and the broader impact of the song in the media. In doing so, this project shows that “Wait For It” is not only a Broadway song but rather a cultural phenomenon that can discuss politics, history, and human emotions. Thus, the content was very insightful and interesting.
Structurally, the sentence order and structure were often very well organized. One specific example I want to highlight is your “Playlist & Listening Guide: Inside the Mind of Aaron Burr”. The way you ordered your songs showed the compelling story of Aaron Burr and helped readers more deeply understand your arguments. Furthermore, the titles you came up with for each site helped to highlight the main points of your writing and catch the reader’s attention. Finally, your reasoning was thoroughly explained, bringing the reader through your thought process. These were some things that worked very well.
There were also areas of improvement. Throughout the project, there were run-on or wordy sentences that contained insightful information but were challenging to understand. I suggest breaking or re-wording these sentences for more clarity and stronger engagement from the reader. Also, your hooks, excluding the “Playlist & Listening Guide: Inside the Mind of Aaron Burr”, were often informative rather than engaging. To enhance the flow and impact of your writing, I suggest exploring and testing different hooks. Finally, some structural sentence changes could be made to enhance the clarity of your writing. Try to make sure that the sentences you write connect back to the central argument and provide context to the next sentence (connect and flow well). These changes will benefit your project.
For the general site structure, I found that all the essays were organized pretty well. To enhance the structure and connectedness of your overall project I suggest adding hyperlinks to connect your pages, especially in the introduction. Furthermore, to show more visual appeal, I would suggest adding more images. For example, you could add pictures of the scenes with the dialogue for your “Hamilton in the Media” page. This would help grab the audience’s attention and visually support your arguments. Overall, your project was well-developed in both content and structure. Fantastic job!