This section is taken directly out of my one-page response to Rachel Carson's essay, "The Marginal World." I chose to revise this piece because, upon reading the portfolio assignment, I immediately thought of this idea of life beneath the surface. I thought this meditation could be an effective and interesting way to draw a parallel between the ecology Carson writes about and a phenomenon I, and many others, experience frequently. This experience on the beach can be a metaphor for people-watching and uncovering every individual's story.

This portion of the piece is an addition to the original. Here, I open with an example that my audience will find relatable: people-watching. I close the paragraph with questions that bring people back to a specific memory. These three questions are all taken from real conversations I have had with my friends when people-watching. I want to get my audience thinking about the situations they have been in, in which they probably thought about similar questions. The first two questions begin to uncover concrete details about other people's lives. The third question is more abstract and thought-provoking, transitioning into the idea of sonder in the next paragraph.

I really like this sentence. I did not include it in my first draft because I could not find a spot where it fit quite rightly, but this was my favorite quote from my interview with Noella. I wanted to include it in the graded draft because I think it is a raw, genuine reaction from someone who loves what they are doing. Part of the assignment for the inquiry essay was to show "how this subculture creates meaning for its members." This simple statement showcases the passion she has for this group. Reading this quote makes me smile each time. I hope it can conjure joy and excitement in my audience, just as it does for Noella and me.

This paragraph is one of my favorite parts of the essay. It was fun to write and accurately depicts my previous assumptions. It is an entirely new addition to my graded draft. I did not add any personal thoughts in my first draft, which was evident as the piece lacked meaning and significance; there was nothing about what made this group so interesting to me. I added this description to demonstrate to my audience how my perspective changed throughout this project. I use honest, descriptive language to paint an image of what I was expecting. This description greatly contrasts the reality of Full Swing, which I describe throughout the rest of the paper. Including my previous assumptions about swing dancing contributes to the validity and importance of this subculture and how they perhaps break certain stereotypes.

I conclude with this sentence because I want to show how this project has impacted me, which is another way to include personal perspective into this draft (similar to what I mentioned in the first annotation). It is clear from the paper that Full Swing is important to its members, but it has truly impacted my life, as well. I was inspired by the dancers and Noella and want to express this to my audience. One of my biggest takeaways from this project is that Full Swing is actually an incredibly welcoming community, contrary to its reputation on campus. Perhaps this line can provoke new thought in my reader and inspire them to join a new group for something they are passionate about, too.

I originally had this bit as a footnote in my first draft because I thought it was too explanative of how the club is organized, not relating to the themes in the paper. However, upon revisiting the piece I realized it is actually a perfect example of the club's welcoming atmosphere. The fact that they host events specifically designed to include other BC students, in an attempt to spark an interest in swing dancing, exemplifies the club's inviting attitude towards outsiders. The socials and lessons are not an extra detail, but rather a concrete piece of information that helps to show Swing is not exclusive or cliquey, contrary to popular opinion.

I included this line because I wanted to demonstrate how challenging swing dance actually is. In her interview, Noella spoke modestly about the level of skill and strength required to complete the choreography I witnessed (as described earlier in the piece). I wanted to give her and the other dancers the credit I thought they deserved: swing dance is not easy. This sentence is a way for me to speak to my audience and perhaps put Full Swing into a new perspective. The dance, although Noella may make it sound simple, is actually extremely challenging and quite impressive.

This misconception of Full Swing being exclusive was something that made me want to embark on this project in the first place; I wanted to see it from the inside out. I made a point to ask Noella about the group's reputation in our interview because I know that many other students are confused, or perhaps intimidated, by the connection between ELP and Swing. I could not, however, find a place for it in my first draft, even though I thought it was an important detail. I included it here in the graded draft because I think it helps break down the perception of exclusivity. I write a few paragraphs about Swing's cult-like reputation, but wanted to open with the ELP myth because, from my experience, it is the most prominent consensus regarding Swing on campus. It turns out, ironically, the only connection between the two groups is the inviting sense of community, which completely contrasts BC students' view of Full Swing as a whole.