Your story is very plot heavy, which isn't bad, but it makes it more difficult to really go in depth and make efficient social commentary. I think you have an interesting idea, but I'm missing that depth that you would get from adding imagery and metaphors. That is something you can't really do in dialogue, or I guess you can, but I find it difficult to do.

Nothing really stuck out to me as needing to be changed, besides the points I already made about adding more imagery and maybe introducing some symbolism and allusions in the future.

I think the introduction of the new world is better, I would like a little more description personally, but its up to you.

You add more description into the dialogue which I appreciate, but I think there could be a little more. Maybe describe the setting, or their facial features and body language. You could also add some symbolism in imagery to help add layers to this story.

Just another preference: I don't typically see completely capitalized sentences in literature. I would advise keeping correct grammar by putting it in lowercase, but better emphasizing the action verb. So instead of "yells" you could use "squawk" or "wail" or something

Just a tip, maybe you could put some action and description between the two sorrys. For example, "Sorry!" she rushes out, face inflamed from embarrassment, "sorry!" she shamefully repeats. This goes with any other dialogue you have. I think occasionally adding description helps incorporate speech into a predominantly imagery-heavy story.

I like the transition.

I might just be OCD, but I kind of want another example here with the squirrels and birds. Right now it feels unfinished with just two examples, but again, it might just be me.

I like this introduction a lot better than the previous draft already. You have good imagery and it flows well with the story so far.

instead of saying "signs of its old age" describe how it is aging, whether the wall paper is torn and speckled with mildew, or however you want to describe it.

I like the commentary. There is a lot more description and dialogue this time around, so I would advise you to try to combine them a little more. Right now there are clear alternating sections between dialogue and description, but it would flow easier and give more opportunity to reach the word count if you were to integrate them together.

Lol I like the idea of each section having a poem. Maybe you could incorporate a poem symbol into your story. Just an idea

You typed D'qe00r before, so just make sure you're consistent with names

I really like the imagery and symbolism so far, this was a really nice paragraph.

I like it, everything is flowing nicely. Just be careful of your changing tenses. I noticed a few mistakes in this paragraph with grammar and punctuation as well.

Is Harald a character introduced before or is he new? I think this is the first time this name had been mentioned. If he is new, I think you should expand on who he is like the characters above. If he is one of the characters before, then you should mention his name in one of the paragraphs before this.

watch out for punctuation

redundant, it might be better to stop the sentence after "sturdy"

I really like how you introduce your setting and characters, it is a really smooth transition from imagery to plot development.

Do you mean for this to be a proper noun? typically "world" is just lowercase.

I think it would be "the Creator"

I like the slow, descriptive introduction to the characters and setting. There were a lot of nicely placed imagery and symbols. My only advice is to make sure your tenses are cohesive and to watch for redundancy and unnecessary words and clauses. Adding too much can make a sentence read weirdly.

oddly phrased

I think it might be better to combine this clause with the previous one to avoid redundancy.

I think there needs to be a comma after hill. Also, it might be better to separate the two clauses, right now it reads somewhat confusing.

The introduction to this story is filled with imagery and somewhat mysterious and nostalgic diction. I like how the first few paragraphs are dedicated to setting the scene and introducing your symbolism and extended metaphors, without a hundred percent going into it. You do not rush your writing which is a good start to your short story. Each sentence is meticulously planned out and contributes to the overall meaning; however, this is a double edged sword for this assignment. I had this issue with my short story at first, but I think the advice that was said before in class about just putting your words on paper and writing the specific plot points that you want to be included in your short story is a good start and you can edit later on. I would have never gotten to 12,000 words if I carefully planned out each sentence and each set of diction to convey specific meanings throughout the short story. That is something I can edit in later on, so that is my advice to you. I think you’re at a really good start and this introduction sets a really nice tone for the later parts of the short story. 
       A tip I can give you for your future writing is to make sure that you try to switch up the tone a little. Right now, the whole introduction is very solemn and nostalgic, but keeping that tone throughout your story will become really monotonous and difficult to get through. Make sure your plot has good climatic points and helps produce suspense and curiosity in the readers. So far, I can say you have written really well and I don’t have much feedback to give you in that regard. I will say that your introduction sets up metaphors and symbolism to be extended throughout your story very appropriately, so make sure you do not lose those features; however, be careful not to overuse them either, because it will make the story seem sappy and cartoonish. Another words, you have to find that sweet spot to setting up your symbolism and then when you want to use it to further develop the plot, it will make the audience go “oh wow, I understand now!”...(I guess the juxtaposition of this would be fully setting up the symbolism and explaining it completely in the initial stages of your story, because that will prevent certain moments of “wow” factor where the audience is able to finally connect the dots on their own). I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but good luck in your writing!

Just an overall tip to make sure you double check your grammatical structure. There should be a comma or period somewhere in this sentence depending on what you're attempting to convey. There are some mistakes in other sentences throughout this excerpt as well.

The formatting of your dialogue is just a little bit odd, I'm not sure if it is from the transition from word docx to scalar, but it is something to keep in mind for future editing.

Now, there is no wind in this place. That is interesting. I believe that you have a good ability to clarify your uses of symbolism and make them relevant to the story. I can't say for sure I understand it yet because the work isn't finished, but you have set yourself up for it really well.

I like the use of wind and other natural elements, I'm not sure if the nature is going to be an extended metaphor throughout your short story, but that is what it seems like so far.

I really love the use of imagery in this paragraph. It sets a specific distant tone. My only comment is your use of passive voice. I think that passive voice is an awesome way to change things up in a piece of literature, however, using it in a block of writing can become monotonous. It's just something to keep in mind.

The entire story is a little bit ambiguous for me, which is odd because the actual writing style is pretty blunt and not open to interpretation. The only thing that I can think of that creates this issue is your lack of elaboration and description. Typically, third person perspective writing helps follow the different perspectives and events that are happening, however, sometimes it can fall short because it is unable to dive deep into a character’s conscious and as a result, we lose that familiar connection with them. This is one of the issues that I saw in this short story, therefore, continuing on, I think it would be beneficial to add some narration to bring back that connection. This narration would also be helpful in explaining the plot and setting a little more because as of now, I’m slightly lost. I understand some of the main themes, but the side plot is where it gets fuzzy on my end.

In one of the previous annotations, I mentioned how your work seemed a little bit influenced by Kurt Vonnegut, assuming that you have read his pieces. But, he is the author of slaughterhouse five. If you have in fact read it and my assumption is correct, I think that you should pay attention to how he incorporates Billy’s thoughts into his writing in order to further the plot. Right now, you are jumping between scenes, but there is a lack of connection and transition between those scenes. By doing this, I think that you are losing certain qualities that would help in conveying your plot such as imagery, elaboration of dialogue, diction and tone, setting description, extended metaphors, and symbolism. I believe that you have a good foundation of your plot, but now you need to go through it and add these elements in order to make your writing more interesting to the reader. Right now, your story is very dialogue heavy, and as I said before in one of my annotations, that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. If you were to simply separate some of your dialogue and place descriptions between them and elaboration of the points being stated, I think that would help reduce some of the ambiguosity in this short story. Overall, I think this short story has a lot of potential.

Sorry, I'm a little bit confused. Are they editing the building manually or is there a certain science fiction element at hand that I missed? They talk about drills and knives, but the description of building the layout is so blatant that it seems they're doing it out of nothing. My current depiction from this is that they are choosing tools from a backpack, sort of like a video game, and building walls and cutting out doors. Like a cross between fortnite and the sims, but I don't really know, it's a little ambiguous.

I like the use of satire throughout the story, it helps to keep things a little more interesting.

This is very dialogue heavy. A story being dialogue heavy isn't necessarily a bad thing, but as a result from it, depending on the author and the meaning they're trying to convey, you can lose a lot of opportunity for extended metaphors and symbolism in your imagery and elaboration of events. This is also the double edged sword that comes with have a narration in the third person perspective.

The jumping between events are memories is interesting, reminds me of some of Kurt Vonnegut's writings. But, be careful to tie up the loose ends and lost elements that you get from proper transitions in your writing. So far, I have been getting lost at certain points, so it is just something that you should keep in mind for editing later on.

Is this meant to be in past tense? It could be, but I'm not sure. There are some parts of this narration that are in present tense and others that are in past, so make sure you aren't switching between those.

I already like the set up. Nice job separating the journal entry from the narration.