25 Matching Annotations
  1. Mar 2023
    1. And he had.

      Not complete

    2. mangos, and oh, the deliciousness of salmon.

      Where is this that would have both mangoes and salmon in the same forest?

    3. So

      Too many "so's." I would cut this one.

    4. managed to get out of the zoo without anybody noticing

      This is an important moment of action. Show us what happened Describe the action.

    5. like a used tissue,

      I like the similes you have been using.

    6. If the humans in the zoo were gone

      All the humans are gone from the zoo? I had not caught that. It makes some sense in hindsight, but I feel this has to be more clear. Also, how has he been eating if there are no humans to feed him? How long has this gone on?

    7. But one night, that fateful night, when he wasworrying that if he escaped the humans at the zoo, the humans back at the Forest might shoot him, and therifle and Forest appeared in his mind again, with a spinning wheel and the arrow spinning wildly, notsettling on anything round and round, and then the answer hit him in the head, so obvious that Bamboowas surprised he was so blind to this.

      I do like the the length of the sentence and its difficulties mirror the confusion in his head, so I would recommend keeping some of that while still cleaning up the sentence a bit.

    8. and did sit-ups to start his morning

      The way you described him, he does not seem like a sit-ups kind of guy, especially for fun.

    9. He had spent his whole life

      But you said he escaped for 2 years,

    10. in the Forest for over 5 months.

      You said 2 years before.

    11. mportant detail t

      What follows does not feel like a "detail."

    12. And, he had confessed that he didn’t like fighting as much as other bears do.When Bamboo was a cub, his father had taught him how to fight. Bamboo had failed dismayingly. He hadbeen starting to feel like a failure when he had left the zoo and went into the Forest.When he heard, Bamboo thought it was a miracle. He had always thought that every bear in the wholeworld loved to fight, to claw and leap and bite. But here Ark was, the leader of the greatest tribe in theForest, and he hated fighting

      These are some interesting details, but showing us with some scenes would be better than telling us.

    13. He had also been getting old, but prime nonetheless.

      I would cut this line.

    14. Bears brown and mighty

      Is Bamboo a grizzly? Are these grizzlies? I believe brown bears in the US are grizzlies.

    15. he zoo and of cour

      Need some more commas

    16. Yes, he was born somewhere terrible

      Contradiction. You said he thought living in the zoo was a privilege, but now being born there was terrible.

    17. really

      You started with really

    18. he admitted that shedidn’t want him to be fierce or aggressive.

      You are establishing a relationship that is quickly dropped.

    19. Bamboo's greatest wish was to save the day. Swoop in, heroic music playing, and snatch the victim out ofthe villain’s claws, making big speeches about justice,

      I like the hero motif. Is there a way for you to show this to us instead of telling us? First lines are hugely important, the attention grabber.

    20. There was only one challenge left for him. You see, he was gazing at the Forest on a cliff across from it.There was a big gap between them. When he was little, he had found an old aqueduct leading down fromthe village in the forest to a river. But now since the river was dried up, they stopped using the aqueductand so that was how little Bamboo had gotten to the Forest. But years passed, and Bamboo was not thesame.

      I like that you are being more detailed here. The problem is that I can't quite tell why this route will not work for him right now.

    21. But

      Try to use less conjunctions to start sentences.

    Annotators

  2. Nov 2022
  3. Jul 2021
    1. other marginalized groups. 

      Another annotation note might help right after this sentence that shows how the author shifts to a discussion of terms for other marginalized groups.

    2. ends

      I would not say "ends" here, because there is another paragraph to the essay that takes another turn.

    3. W.E.B Dubois

      Something is needed here. I would suggest making Dubois possessive.