I edited the second half of this paragraph to elaborate on my fear again, rather than talking about the rain peacefully lulling me to sleep. This was the last part of my climax before the falling action began when I woke up in the morning, so it needed to express how terrified I was truly feeling at that moment to conclude my highest point of tension.

I elaborated on setting up my tarp here because I wanted the night, especially the time just before I finally fell asleep, to be the climax of my essay. I proved just how difficult this task was by describing the few tools I had to work with. I also went into detail about how scared I was during that time. My original draft didn't make it clear enough that this was part of the highest point of tension because it initially continued into the next day.

My original conclusion was too general, something I worked to fix during the course of the semester. I revised it to make it more about my experience specifically by inserting a recommendation and discussing how this event changed me.

This entire paragraph was added into the final draft. I thought this was an interesting concept that I wanted to incorporate into my essay. I spent a lot of time discussing my fear as well as my love for being outside and this idea accompanies both. It also helped to transition from my falling action into the conclusion.

I removed the second half of this paragraph because it brought more tension into my essay, making the exact location of the climax confusing. In the first draft I discussed how I felt when I realized how little food I had to get me through the day and how this made me question if I was going to make it. I chose to remove this section because I wanted the daytime to be the falling action of my narrative, so I wanted to start resolving tension rather than creating more.

I added this sentence to introduce the idea of noticing details, something that this place allowed me to do. This idea is brought up later in the essay as well.

I added this section in order to discuss how society has impacted the way I feel about my interests. I enjoy having interests that are unique and I don't like when other people begin to find them "cool" as well, but I know that this isn't the most important factor in determining what I like to do. This analysis brings in a topic that requires the reader to think about how his or her interests have been affected by society's standards.

For my shorter piece, I chose to revise my writing from the first day of class and add thoughts from an outside reading to combine ideas. I thought Mary Bamrick's essay fit in to the message I attempted to convey in this piece. I connected her thoughts about being unique to my assessment of where I felt that I fell on the spectrum between "lone wolf" and "part of the crowd" and how society played a role in this decision.

hi

This part of your essay is very interesting because I think it helped shape your experience, but you explain it very briefly. Can you elaborate more on what you did while you were being independent?

This transition is very abrupt. You go from feeling bad about your injury to suddenly having a positive outlook on the situation. Try to elaborate more on this moment, particularly, what caused you to change your mind?

This is the only time you mention the woman you love, yet she seems to play a bigger role in this story because she is brought up during the climax of your story. Can you elaborate more on this relationship in order to further show how you felt when your older brother scolded you?

I'd love to hear more about this moment. How did you feel? Assuming this is the climax of your story, it would help to elaborate on the first night without electricity, especially by including insight, in order to make this moment even more powerful.

I understand how you're trying to tie in this idea of your mom helping you by separating your food to her helping you during your surgery and recovery process, but you didn't speak much about her role in your experience during your essay. It may help to elaborate on what she did for you and how that made you feel in order to show how your networks have influenced you and to connect the different aspects of your essay.

You have a lot of great examples of people who use Uber and find it helpful and simple, but can you also include interviews from outsiders who don't use Uber? It might be interesting to compare their reasons for not using it with those who are very reliant on it to show the varying points of view.

Could you expand here to include someone who doesn't take part in pregaming or someone who isn't invited to get an outsider's perspective? Although your friend Alyssa doesn't drink, she still joins the pregame so it might be interesting to have another point of view as well.

You talk a lot about the business side, but can you expand here on the collection aspect of the SneakerHead culture? As an outsider, I don't know nothing about this trend so some background info would be helpful. You may be able to go into detail about its history and how it has evolved today using some secondary sources.

This is what I interpret is your project, that whether you're actually there or not, the boathouse always stays with you. Try to incorporate this idea into your conclusion as well to make your essay come full circle.

I like your connection between the struggle of the boy learning to fish and your adjustment to a new life far from home. Here though, you talk about trying to adapt and fit into your environment, but is your project more about taking a step back from your routine and trying to see things in a different way?

Will- I love your wording here, especially "linguistic chameleon". It really paints a picture of what you are trying to say. You conclude by saying that you agree with Wallace's argument, but can you build upon this to incorporate your own conclusion as well?

Zach- I know we went back and forth about this part of your essay a lot in class today. I personally think it is a helpful way to introduce what you are going to be talking about and your essay is clearly structured around it. That being said, if your thesis is that people should respect all dialects, you might want to bring this up in your introduction too, as well as weave it into the following body paragraphs so that you aren't simply following DFW's essay structure.

Michaela- This is a good example of where DFW used rhetoric to appeal to his readers. You may want to consider finding more passages in the text where he did this to make his argument more convincing. Then, provide some analysis to make connections to your thesis statement. There is a lot of good summary here, but if you can weave in more rhetorical analysis I think it will help your essay.