Again as an attempt to be less general in my essay, I included specific examples from Saunders's work to support and emphasize the major claims that I had mentioned earlier in the essay.

A major flaw in my original essay was that I did not clearly address the question, which was whether or not I found the argument compelling and why. I made sure to include here the reasons I was compelled by Saunders's argument, which helped me to create a greater focus in the claims I made throughout the rest of the essay.

My original essay was very general, and I tried to make this draft much more specific. Here, this included inserting a specific quote from Saunders to support and expand on the claim I made about the difficulty in avoiding media influence.

This essay is a revision of my response to the George Saunders piece "The Braindead Megaphone".

In my first draft, I ended my essay quite abruptly after including my choice to join the figure skating team, and didn’t feel I had clearly expressed the significance of the event in shaping my outlook on my life in college outside of this one experience. In my revision, I expanded on the importance of my decision to join the team for myself and the experience I have had at school from that point forward. I added these last few sentences to show exactly what I had learned from the event as a whole, and how it has shaped my choices since then.

In my revision, I chose to expand on my experiences before coming to BC. I included what sports and activities I participated in, but particularly focused on a description of my soccer experience throughout the years to show exactly why the sport was so important to me. I chose to do this because I think it helps to show why the event was so significant to me, as it resulted in me not playing soccer anymore.

I chose to add these details to express to the reader the importance of sports in my life, and how they had come to be a central aspect of my identity. I felt that this was something that my first essay lacked, but was necessary in order to present myself as a character, and add significance to this event which affected my place in the athletic network at school.

Originally I was quite vague about the actual tryout experience, generalizing what we did and how I felt about my performance. The tryout is a significant part of my essay, so I wanted to make it more specific to show how my feelings progressed throughout. As I revised I found that it was important for me to include exactly what happened at the tryouts, such as the different drills, and how I responded to my performance of each. I expanded on the tryout significantly in both this paragraph and the one following it.

After I found out I did not make the team, I said that I felt a bit lost. I had not originally explained what exactly this meant for me, as I did not include specific thoughts or actions that accompanied this experience. In my revision I made sure to show what I did after I found out I didn't make the team, what thoughts I had, and how I ultimately came to making the decision to skate.

I think that one of the biggest questions lingering for me is the status of your relationship at the end of this event. Did you guys decide to stay together before you left for school, and if so how did your relationship progress from there? How did this event affect how you formed relationships from this point forward?

In the first paragraph you talk about how things are starting to change for you. Here you say how the event has opened your eyes to the support you have, and if this is what has made you want to change, then perhaps you could provide an example of how you have acted differently since this event in a way that would make someone proud.

You mention how your family was always very supportive and there to help, and how you worked through hardship together. If you feel comfortable, I think it would be helpful to share some specific examples for each of these.

This part was confusing to me. I would have imagined a much different response to hearing that you were cleared, so I think you could expand on how they were similar.

I agree that the end of this paragraph is a little unclear. What caused you to enjoy this meal, and did were you okay with your food touching from this point forward? I also think the transition from this to the next paragraph is abrupt and it would be helpful to show how the two events are connected in this transition.

You have made it clear throughout your essay that there are many benefits to using Uber that have allowed it to become so popular, but I think that you should include an outsider view from someone who chooses not to use Uber. It would be valuable to know why they choose not to use this service, and if they believe there are any downsides to the trend. I think it would also be interesting to touch on the safety aspect of Uber, as this may be a concern for some.

While reading your essay I found it was largely focused on the exclusivity of pre-gaming. I like this idea and I feel that you could expand on it by talking about not only the reasons for exclusivity, but the implications of it. Perhaps you could interview a complete outsider, who not only does not drink but does not participate in the pre-game at all, and how they feel that this affects them. I wonder if it is the exclusivity that keeps some from being involved in the trend, even if they would like to be.

You have included an interview with someone who participates in the business aspect of the trend, but I think that you should also expand on the collection process. Here we see why someone such as Raymond does not think it is worth it, but there are clearly many who do that make this business possible. I think it would be valuable to include why some people choose to collect these shoes and what has allowed them to gain so much value regardless of quality.

I like what you said in this section about how watching the families in your place made you realize that you should branch out and explore more to have a greater college experience as a whole. It seems as though you are talking mostly about what people in your environment are doing, which clearly has a great significance, but I think there is a lot more that can be said about the actual physical features of the pond. What exactly makes it so beautiful and more special than any other pond? Consider appealing to more of the senses as well in your descriptions, as it is often focused on sight.

In your conclusion it seems like you have drifted into talking about the importance of the boathouse to your team as a whole and it is no longer about your personal experience. I think that the team is a very important aspect of the significance of your place, but I think you should focus more on its importance to you personally especially as you are tying the paper together in your conclusion.

I agree with Emma, I think that this portion of the essay really shows how the place makes you feel and seems to explain why you keep going back there. You are often talking about what you don't feel (lonely) and I liked that you went into detail here about what it does make you feel and I think that you could expand even more on this. How does it make you clear your mind or relax as you mentioned earlier in the paper? Also I think it would be helpful to the reader to include more detail on the exact location of your place.

Will- I also like how you make connections to the bigger picture in this last paragraph. I especially like how you bring it beyond the individual level to say what it says about our society on a national level. This sentence works well in showing a connection between language and our personal identity.

Zach- As I mentioned in class, I found this statement you made about respect at the end to be a very interesting conclusion, but I agree that it would definitely be more effective if you expanded on it earlier in the essay. The title of your analysis left me with the impression that the main purpose of your essay would be to explain how language and respect are tied together. The other arguments you made throughout were strong, but I would consider expanding specifically on this one earlier in your essay as I believe there is a lot that can be said about it.