i love you more

OHHHHHHHHH. tries to believe. TRIES TO BELIEVE. i can't believe this is the last sentence. well actually, i must try to believe. because holy shit. that gentle shift from... from refusing to even see, to let himself know the truth about how mingi feels about him and then trying to believe it anyway. my sweet yunho. him and his faith. you have to take that leap of faith, and maybe a leap of faith is just every conversation we have trying to let ourselves be understood and hoping, believing, that the other person may be able to understand. or, at the very least, may believe you. believe in you. oh.

his puppy, his devoted dog,

im crashing out. this detail, ugh. you are just so good! so good. it's that balance of reading and imagining but also reading and remembering. like this shit actually happened. you're so good.

Time passes, seasons change, I still feel the same about you, won't you let me in?

how frightening. how comforting. how very them...

all of life is this big contradiction but yunho you love him you Love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's right! put him in his place! fuck!

everything hurts

jfaoskdjfiesjrfkaslkdcnfasll

a beat late but perfect anyway A BEAT LATE BUT PERFCT ANYWAY

there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for him...

mingudding i think i feel something in my heart

to fail is the greatest gift because then you get to... keep going. and aren't all these hardships, all this suffering, isn't it just proof you've been touched by the object of your devotion? (mingi). why isn't that enough?

you're making me insane. the details here, the wooden bench making his hips ache, including the fact that he freaking goes to church when he's abroad, all the rosaries mingi wears, to feel closer to yunho. i wonder if mingi ever feels like he's competing with god. doesn't he know yunho loves him like a devotee. like he's lost and mingi is the only shining light

oh my god............

oh my baby...

which was a big deal, who did he bribe for those? did he stock up just for mingi? im going to sob

My heart...... my yungi infused yungi addicted heart.....

God said: TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM! DONT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM?

But you don't have to be. You don't have to be him anymore. It's never too late to change. It's aways the perfect time to change.

mingudding, writer of my lifetime....

you are so much more, yunho. you are so much more than how you make others feel.

what is life but a death sentence?

"The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots that my tongue has tied off, my brain's repeating if you've got an impulse let it out, but they never make it past my mouth.

It's not stupid, Yunho. Don't listen to the voices :,)

"What you focus on changes your life" Song Mingi said that once

Because you're making realizations, Yunho. Realizations that this can't go on...

Base desires sounds so animalistic... like the dog he sees himself as...

tears in my eyes...

he's waiting for mingi to give up on him because he sees everytime he lets himself love mingi be a giving up on himself. but yunho it's okay to let go of these rigid standards you set yourself to, to have empty hands again, because then you can hold onto him

The performance. But Yunho, every you is still you, even the one you hate being, even the one you can pretend to be. The fact you can play this role is a testament to who you are, and you are someone who would sacrifice yourself to love the boy you love

It's so hard for him to believe, oh. My sweetheart...

Let it be love.

Oh baby you always fit into his life. He Loves You.

Oh Yunho...

"religion as a crutch for his crippling anxiety" oh my god. you've nailed it. the yunho characterization. the complex role of religion. oversharing, but when i first started learning more about yunho i was absolutely shocked and stumped by his faith. this is the parasocialism taking over but i genuinely, genuinely would think about it, turning over the idea of god and good and faith and why in the world ateez jeong yunho held onto it so strongly. i'd say even up to two years ago i never "got" religion. i remember in high school reading a book called "the god delusion" because i was raised absolutely devoid of faith and had so much trouble Believing in myself better yet something greater than me. but, things started to make sense. i think maybe that just takes time. but i remember being in agony wondering why the hell jeong yunho, who is good in every way i understand the word, needs religion. what's so wrong with him? i would ask myself. it's one thing to be born with faith, it's another to choose to hold onto, to come back to it. i had been taking that evil and sin class as well as that diary class and was deeply contemplating the role of confession in truth and why is it worth it to even say any of this out loud. and, well, it's because you get to be yourself after. after so much repression, so much secrecy, so much hating yourself for being who you are, in the end you're going to die so you might as die Yourself. thank you for this. it's like these past few years of my life have been articulated

am i going to burst into tears? this story is so lived in, their characters are so alive and real

you're a genius

i'm sure!!!!!!

Yes, Mingi isn't the type to give up on you. He's Mingi after all. What does time mean in the face of... love? Well, too much. But also: nothing at all

teahee

this puppy!

are you perhaps in love with song mingi too?

i love the extended water metaphors, how water flows naturally and to work against the tide is to set yourself up for struggle. taoism and how if you have to force something too much it's the universe's way of telling you it isn't for you. oh yunho. you are fighting so much against your own want and feelings and love, the universe is trying to tell you something.

an angel! but he's not an angel! he's just mingi....

im tearing up. im also listening to emo music so that isn't helping

because like this he becomes attached to this being deemed bigger than him. he doesn't have to be catalyst of his own life, he can be absorbed into something else entirely, his purpose someone else's, his want something else's. small in his own life isn't small enough.

which is how he loves feeling....

You never know...

you're lying to yourself, yunho. you're lying!

He believes so much in him, I'm crying. Because to Yunho, that's all real.What he feels is so real to him... What he believes dictates everything about his life. He believes Mingi will go far and he believes he won't and so he think, he knows, it'll never work out. But he's wrong.

He wants to be Mingi's equal in every way, be the man he deserves, but he's Too Much. Too hungry. Too... Yunho.

oh my god. the word ruin here. because they'd be left unrecognizable, destroyed landscapes of people, without the other.

i feel violently ill. don't leave me behind. DONT LEAVE ME BEHIND. it's like standing still while watching everyone run ahead. don't forget me here, in your memory. i think of all the people you meet for the last time without realizing, condemning them to this thing called the past. lucky for yunho, mingi's been knocking on his door all his life, just open the door for him.

Are you perhaps fond of Song Mingi?

my perfect mingudding

You know, Yunho dehumanizes himself, seeing himself so lowly, but at the same time he dehumanizes Mingi, seeing him so highly, putting him up on that pedestal. Let him be hurt, wounded, loved by you, Yunho. He's just human, too. Doesn't he deserve to be human too?

Latin...

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! your writing. omg. i'm lapping it up like an... an animal!

So he can Be an asshole because he sees himself that way already, he believes. I see. But also because being an asshole requires nothing of him, no true expectation, more, it's a lacking. A void of where something else should be (obedience? kindness? consideration?) What do we call that failure? And why is it we are always trying to rise above it? Why are we born way down here, so far away

WE KNOW! FUCK! i love how you implement so much of reality into your writing it is truly a touchstone of... of their relationship, wading between fiction and reality. All fiction is a true story, somewhere, sometime, for someone

the voices are so loud...

This isn't very holy of you Yunho. You're supposed to only see God... Oh silly how could I forget, he's made a mantle of this man he loves. He gets down on his knees for him. He prays. He fears. He wants more...

you romantic sap, mingudding, you romantic sap!

What is the world without judgment? What would we do? And does he perform in fear of judgment? Is that what it is? But from who? Mingi? Or himself. Because he hate himself for not being able to control this one thing... his want. It's proof of his undoing, his animal nature, his straying from God. God and religion being related to obedience, and Yunho not being able to tame his emotions.... making him just like the rest, meaning just like every other person. Human.

Makes mud!

The dirt isn't such a terrible place to be...

my precious yunho ;-;

The no choice here, the fate of it all, he's doomed because he wants, he's saved because he wants I'd go as far as to say that his want is what makes him a human, it's what sets him off the path of fate. Because yes there is fate, it's that we're all going to die, but some of us still Want anyway. And I'm beginning to think that's the whole point.

But he does say them. They're engraved on the roof of his mouth

The performance

I love them.

Despite it all, I had to stop here and go, yeah, hot.

This part makes me lose my mind, imagining younger Yunho not able to hold back any longer and kissing Mingi and it's Mingi's first kiss and Yunho is so far from being able to call it love. It's heartbreaking

He wants so badly for that to be enough, to be able to take from Mingi what he wants and have that be what he wants, but it isn't. It isn't enough because it's all mental and not physical. Sex is so in your head, such a mental experience, while also being so purely physical. The mind makes up for what the body can't comprehend and in that gap... it's almost as if Yunho feels so much that he cannot process it as anything but something too much for him to deserve. He feels so much his mind has to call it something else entirely. Well, baby, it's love.

so interesting to see hm fluctuate between being the thing to burn and damage mingi but then mingi to be the one to melt him... these two fire signs... an aries and a leo :,)

feels good, sounds good, tastes good - when does sense become being? And do the senses, does how we perceive anything, matter when we don't have faith? When we don't also Believe?

howly shit

Fool, fall for it, the leap of faith

Did you know "satisfy" comes from the Latin noun "satis" meaning "enough."

And isn't that everything?

'Be good," oh mingi you don't even know the half of it...

But to Yunho, good is scaring Mingi off and sparing Yunho of ever having to face himself. Is that really good, Yunho? How could it be?

This is the greatest sentence of all time. My jaw dropped. The prayer engraved in the roof of his mouth, spoken over and over again like it's the only thing that could save him. Saying it out loud.

He holds God so highly here. That's fascinating. it's almost like yunho can't be the main character here, in his own life, he needs to be part of something bigger because he's afraid of just having to exist with himself and his want. so it becomes about God, it becomes a test, it becomes a test of faith, in himself and the universe.

the panopticon...

In a panel I went to once, someone said "in the pursuit of happiness, there is no justice" in regards to love and relationships. because you may Want and Want, but simply wanting isn't enough for someone to want you back or to want you in the way you want to be wanted and that isn't anyone's fault... and so there is no "fair" and there is no "justice" (i need to go dig through my notes and read more about that)

because he has to Perform and be Good Yunho

careful yunho, you're mixing perfection with goodness... oh.......... steinbeck east of eden's "now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good" Im screaming

even this sentence alludes to how yunho thinks they should've ended by now.... oh! the anguish!

you've mad the yearning so palpable i am huffing in his longing fumes, his wanting fumes, and i'm so sad for him. all he ever did was want... and even that feels like too much to him.

mingudding and butter

Yunho acts as if... by doing enough good he can somehow qualify to love Mingi. Oh Yunho, you can love anyway. The concept of "good enough" is so belittling and freakish. Self worth being something you have to accomplish, not something you intrinsically have, it really feeds into this concept of life as a performance and Yunho just has to perform Well Enough to be worth anything at all. Sad shit!

What a puppy! Dog mention... Yunho loving with the devotion of the ground, face in the dirt for his hunger...

Thank you for writing these smaller details out, they make Yunho feels so real and alive to me. Also this is just so endearing I had to stop and scream into my hands. He's so careful, so freaking careful around the boy he loves.

like the north star, or a tall building in London :)

I really love how you play around with language and use words that denote something more, something filthier here. Usually it's "churning in his stomach" but the word gut here is so... animal. Like an animal that's already dead, guts out on the floor. Churning in his gut, oh it makes me shiver. Churning where he's most animal, the messy intestines that are of no use anymore...

I really get that sense of determination here, fate, that the way it is is how it will always be. Yunho thinking he's always disappointing Mingi, it reminds me a lot of how in religious contextual stories the protagonist is meant to fear God, and in that fear is love. That quote:

Love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s terrifying. No one will ever want to sleep with you.

hi mingudding

this pull quote

why do you have no bio? are you just a stray speck of dust in the wind?

we love you nitilia1

I HATE YOU KIM SEOKJIN

I LOVE YOU KIM SEOKJIN

yoongay

hi i love u

:>

hi :>