Like a few other sources on your list here, PsyPost is not bad but it's not great for serious college research. It's more aligned with pop psychology. It's independently run and founded by Eric Dolan who is a relatively inexperienced journalist and has a B.A. in psychology. He seems to write most the articles on the site itself. I would look elsewhere for stronger source.

Verywell Mind is a popular online site--a part of the ThoughtCo company. It's not a bad source, but it is kind of "light." Again, this is one of those sources that might not be best for serious research--more casual quick searches one might do for their own day-to-day knowledge.

Maybe look for a stronger source. Perhaps something from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy can help here. https://plato.stanford.edu/

Not so sure about this as a source. This is a community-written site, which lacks editorial oversight. There is probably some good information there (like Wikipedia might have good info), but it's not appropriate for serious college-level research.

Develop some discussion here. Say more.

Rather than drop a full link into the annotation like this, treat it in the same way you would use a source in an essay. As you make a connection to the source through summary, paraphrase, and/or quoting, provide an MLA in-text note. This will cross reference the full works cited entry in the works cited list at the end of the piece.

Okay, this makes better sense to me now.

go not goes

no caps here

One cannot be allowed or forbidden from being gay. It's not a choice. They can threatened, however, by a hostile environment into hiding the fact that they are gay. The wording here suggests something about Bryan's full understanding of these nuances. Maybe that's okay if that is his character.

The term "queer" strikes me as odd here for Bryan to say. I believe it would be more likely used by an insider to the community as a term of pride. It is a word that has been reclaimed by the LGBTQI community, as it used to be a term of derision used against gay people. For him to used the term, it either suggests a lack of knowledge on his part, or perhaps he is a part of the LGBTQI community.

capitalize

Bible is conventionally capitalized.

Why is July 4th a trigger for John's PTSD? I would think perhaps Memorial Day might be worse so, as this is a date to remember those who died in battle.

I'm not sure if this is the right word here. It doesn't seem right.

spelling error

Stick with the past tense here for consistency, so it should be "said" not "say".

Why are the footnotes out of order? They should appear in the text in numerical order.

The generic sound name "John Smith" might lend itself too much to a generic character. Consider giving him a more specific name.

Your author's note strikes me as honest and thoughtful. I like it, but I wonder if it might be developed a little further to include a few more specifics about the challenges and the lessons learned.

The MLA bibliographic entry needs to reflect the specific instance of the text you used, so there should be a reference to the our course site. There are other errors here with regard to the MLA. Take a look at the reference material for MLA--the template and handbook.

But you did not speak much about how the photos wound you.

Place the period after the in-text note here.

When quoted language is presented in a larger quote, use single quote marks around it.

spelling

spelling

Also worth developing, I think.

This might worth developing further.

With a long quote (of 4 lines or more in your body text), you should "block" it, meaning drop it down to its own line and indent the margin for duration of the quote an additional 1/2 inch. When you use a block quote, don't use quotation marks, and the in-text note would go outside the period in this case.

Why a shift to us, rather than me?

destiny or destination?

strike yet

Do you mean vibrant?

Do you mean "the familiar to the unfamiliar"?

Are there words missing here?

Here the period should go after the in-text note, like this:

...old the new" (3).

Open the quotes here, don't close them.

Is Barthes' concept of punctum (which pierces or wounds) compatible with "peaceful"?

There is an agreement error here. Photos are plural; it is singular. Make sure the pronoun matches its antecedent.

Does this refer to language Barthes uses? If so, provide an in-text citation.

Cap the start of sentences.

He writes.

This part of the sentence seems unwieldy or awkward? The photos speak to the general public? Consider recasting the sentence to clarify.

Phrasing is strange here. Grown at?

Are you referring to the feelings? If so, perhaps you should write "that are there."

You or we? (Or maybe you should be referring to yourself as "I".) Regardless of pronoun, be consistent throughout--especially within a given sentence.

The word weather is not "countable" so it should not be written as a plural. Just drop the s.

I like the image and the positive feel.

This may be a reference to the texts we read leading up to this assignment--Wallace and others--about a constructed reality, but it is an contentious concept, I think--the idea of subjective vs. objective realities. Is this something you should bring up and discuss earlier in the piece? Just thinking out loud here...

Sorry, but I'm still not very clear on the nature of the argument you are having with yourself. Is it a question you have about whether you are doing enough? Whether you are living up to some larger responsibility? Is that it?

Yes.

The connection to Wallace's statement here is fuzzy. Again, provide context for your reader. Frame your quotes with some introduction and then some discussion after the quote showing clearly how it relates.

I think everybody has a role to play, and it's not useful or practical to feel you have to take on the WHOLE world all at once.

I would agree with this for sure.

This concept of "what has meaning" is a little vague/unclear to me. Can you explain it further? Where does meaning lie? How does one determine this exactly?

I don't know... comparing those who recognize our interdependence with one another to "utopia" seekers, feels like an unfair comparison (and maybe a little cynical).

This helps clarify the point above some. I understand that you are saying you can care without having responsibility for someone. Is that right? If so, what does that look like exactly? How can one care about another person but not be willing to adjust behavioral choices for their well-being? Isn't caring just something we say at that point? Is caring an abstract notion or thought, or does it manifest itself in action? Maybe say more on this.

Also, do you put "obeying laws" in with choices or do you feel more compelled in this regard? If you are willing to follow laws but not otherwise show responsibility for others, are you saying it requires an act of congress (or the State General Assembly) to "force" you to be responsible to the larger community?

I know I'm asking hard questions, but your statements seem rather absolute. I suspect it's more complicated--not a binary choice between responsibility and no responsibility, but rather a question of degree. (Think about your "universe of obligation" with those concentric circles.) Can you explore this more?

This seems like an important statement you are making, but honestly I'm exactly sure what you mean. Are you saying you shouldn't have to adjust behavior for the wellbeing of others? I'm unclear.

Provide context for this reference. If your reader hasn't read the Wallace piece, it would not be possible to really understand the point here. Assume your readers go beyond our class.

He goes by David Foster Wallace and readers will better recognize the reference if you include the middle name here. Also, name his speech here as he was prolific writer.

Your piece starts pretty abstract here with some big ideas. Consider maybe starting with something concrete--an image, an anecdote, etc. and then moving from concrete to abstract. Abstraction puts a heavier cognitive demands on the reader and may feel less engaging initially...

Elias,

Thanks for letting me read your piece and provide some commentary on it. I enjoyed it. I hope the comments prove useful. Please not that I have used the annotation tool "hypothesis" to leave marginal notes across your work. You should be able to see these notes as highlights along with annotations in the sidebar. If you can't see the sidebar on the right, look to the upper right corner. There are a couple of buttons there to expand the sidebar.

Okay, regarding the piece, as a whole. I did enjoy it; however, I think it could be more sharply focused. If you keep the essential task in mind here, it might help. The point of this assignment is to convey to your reader an experience you had when you first became aware of a particular issue in your community related to social justice or social responsibility.

For your piece, I think you could develop more around your grandmother whom you said was a social activist. You sort of glossed over this in your draft, but it feels like it could easily become the focus. I bet she imparted much to you. Consider developing some story/discussion around your experiences with your grandmother. I do think this could give the piece the focus it needs and be very interesting, as well.

Hope it helps.

Best,

Prof McGuire

This is the heart of your piece, I believe, and should be developed as a much stronger focus. Tell us about your grandmother, the time you spent with her, and the circumstances around what she imparted to you.

Again, this should be the name of the specific database you used, not the name of the company that hosts many databases.

Don't use include the https:// when using a URL for the location in an MLA entry.

This is a search URL, not the specific location of the one record you are using. If the article has a DOI number, use that.

This should not be in all caps.

Name the particular database. EbscoHost is a company, not a database.

You are addressing your readers somewhat directly here. This first piece is meant to be a "story of self" and as such should try to focus solely on your experience. Later in the public narrative progression (across the assignments) you will shift to the "us" and to the "now" (i.e. a call to action).

While interesting, it feels like you are drifting away from the main purpose of this writing task, which is to convey an experience of yours where you became acutely aware of a particular issue regarding social justice or more generally where you began to understand that the world isn't a fair place.

Internet is spelled with a capital "I."

I don't see this on your works cited list.

To be clear, do you mean she "was quoted" or that she said these words? The way you are using "quoted" here suggests that she was quoting someone else's words. It's confusing.

This is another fragment. The sentence doesn't have a subject. Every sentence needs a subject, a verb, and a complete thought.

What did they boycott?

You mean high poverty--as in there was a lot of it?

Who was Ghandi quoting? Or do you mean Ghandi said or wrote something?

Is there a page number you should include here in your in-text citation?

Italics only here, not quotes and italics. Italics are used for the names of larger works--entire publications--while quotation marks would be used for the name of the particular article contained within the larger work.

This first paragraph is a bit vague to me as I read it. I know you are just introducing the piece, but consider being more specific with your references--perhaps with some examples. Remember, your reader doesn't know what you know. Clarity is important.

Wrong word. Do you mean "impart?" Not sure if that word quite works here either.

missing word?

This is a fragment--not a complete sentence. It needs a subject.

Tanisha,

Thanks for sharing your piece here. I enjoyed reading it. However, it doesn't seem to have a clear focus. You offer a little bit of a lot, whereas you should try to zoom in on one of your experiences. I think if you worked toward telling the story of ONE of your most memorable experiences where you were confronted with a challenge to social justice or where you came to understand what it means to be socially responsible, your piece would be stronger.

Resist the temptation to include multiple experiences because the piece then starts to feel like a summary which is never as interesting as a story. Dig into one moment and really show it to your reader.

I hope it helps.

Best,

Prof McGuire

Okay, how did this kind of statement make you feel? It's a little confusing here. Go further to clarify your point.

Now you've moved to a discussion of another job experience. You seem to be skimming the surface of many experiences. Try to dig deeper into one story.

You moved from general comments about gender and racial diversity in politics to your own work experience… not sure where the focus is going to land…

This is the first you really mentioned of this. What's the connection between this and social justice and/or responsibility? Say more here.

I think you should offer a working definition in your paper here, as the it's not a clear-cut term. People may define it in different ways.

What does it mean?

How so? Can you be more specific?

Again, this as stated isn't really social injustice; it's short-sighted, ignorant, etc. but by itself it is not social injustice.

I don't know if rudeness is quite the same as social injustice.

Cristian,

First, thanks so much for sharing your piece. I appreciate it and really enjoyed reading about your life. You offer an honest and courageous piece here. Again, thank you.

Having said that, though, I do think the piece needs a bit of work still. It attempts to tell your life story, in a sense, which of course is too much for a short piece of writing like this. You talk about the challenges with your family and with growing up Honduras. You then mentioned coming to the U.S. as a refugee but you don't offer any details on this journey, which had to be harrowing, I imagine. You then go on to talk about animal welfare, ESL, and LGBT+ rights. It moves around rather quickly without ever establishing a clear focus.

Furthermore, it doesn't directly address or define the idea of social justice and/or social responsibility. This was meant to be the unifying concept of the paper. Given the many challenges you write about, this could be easily brought into the fold.

As you revise, try to find a single controlling idea for the piece--and resist the urge to try to make equal parts everything. To do this well, you would have to write a book :-)

I hope this helps some.

Best,

Prof McGuire

You've mentioned animal welfare, ESL, and LGBT+ rights so far in this piece. The focus seems to be shifting quite a bit.

I appreciate your story. Thank you for sharing it. However, the last two paragraphs seem to be a departure from what you were writing about... In fact, the piece overall seems a little disjointed in that it does not have a single focus. See the whole page note for more on this...

Do you have a source/citation for this? You should. The quote may be apocryphal.

Audience again... the phrasing here suggests that your reader is familiar with our class and the service-learning component. Try to write for a larger audience beyond our class as I mentioned.

I'm sure he'd be very proud.

Be mindful of a larger audience beyond our class and beyond MVCC. The phrasing here suggests the audience is limited to the class alone.

taught

Awesome! Congratulations on this accomplishment.

What is the job you desire?

This might help as a starting point regarding the comma splices (which are considered a serious sentence-level error)...

https://owl.purdue.edu/owl_exercises/sentence_structure/sentence_structure/run_ons_comma_splices_and_fused_sentences.html

I like this. It's poignant and speaks to the complexity of your relationship and the troubles your father was dealing with.

Another comma splice... look up this kind of error and proofread for it. :-)

The contrast here is startling. It's a strong opener.

Watch the comma splice...

I really appreciate the way you begin your piece with a scene that appeals to the senses. It's a strong opening.

Sydney,

Thanks for sharing your piece for comments by the class. I a enjoyed reading about your experiences and am happy that you are more content with your current path.

The major disconnect, however, that I feel with this piece is what I think is some confusion over what "social justice" and "social responsibility" means. These terms refer to the structures within our larger society and how such structures affect different groups of people and creates inequity. For example, we might say institutional racism is socially unjust as it creates unfair barriers to opportunity for people of color.

Reconsider the terms "social justice" and "social responsibility" which are two different, but related, terms. Then when revise, think about how you have seen or experienced these concepts in your life or in the world around you.

Hope it helps.

Prof McGuire

No, I don't think so. Social responsibility has more to do with care for others/groups and an attention to equity in our society. This seems quite different than self-care in my mind. Again, I think we are using these terms in two different ways. Please look a bit more into what the terms "social justice" and "social responsibility" mean.

I am a bit confused by this. People are forced to choose a path after high school are they? Maybe there are some pressures that one feels, but ultimately isn't college an opportunity? If one has the privilege to have such an opportunity, that person can also refuse the opportunity, right?

Fundamentally, here I think you are confusing "social responsibility" with individual responsibility. They are different concepts.

Comma splice again. Look up this error and edit for it in your work.

So far, you haven't really explained what was going on. How were they mistreating you exactly. Perhaps share the details.

Again, no. An individual alone doesn't get social justice… again the "social" part refers to our broader society--not any one person.

I don't think so. Individual rudeness between people isn't really social injustice. The term "social justice" refers to something more systemic or structural in our society--patterns of social/political/economic treatment that affects groups of people based on some aspect of their identity.

How is this a social responsibility? I don't get what you mean here. Maybe your using the expression in a way that is different from what I think it means.

This expression/transition is a bit too colloquial and overused, I think.

It sounds like a great deal of pressure.

and

How come? Any particular reason for this?