I originally ended this piece very abruptly, so I reworked my closing. Before editing I ended by telling the reader that something has to change. This was very vague, and honestly I'm not sure what I meant. Change what? Society? Technology? Who knows. Instead, ending with a question that connects my main idea to technology's role in the world leaves the reader with something to think about and will hopefully stick with them beyond this page.

My original response from the one-pager was that Louis C.K.'s words had startled me, but I didn't elaborate on why I felt this way. Looking back at it now, I most likely never said why I felt that way because I probably didn't actually feel startled. I didn't go into shock or get scared after reading this chapter. Instead I became curious and wondered if C.K. might have a point. Saying his point made me question if technology is connected to a lack of empathy made my explanation of the why/how much easier, focused, and clear.

This piece was the first one-pager I submitted this semester on "Solitude." Going back and I reading it over I thought I was trying to do too much for just one page and therefore it was very unclear what my main idea was. I originally had this quote towards the end of the piece after my response. Now knowing the stimulus, response, how/why model, I moved the quote closer to the beginning with my response and why following. I also added the chapter title and book title for context, something very important that I originally left out.

Again I wasn't happy with the way I originally transitioned from the emotions I was experiencing to sharing them with my mom, so I reworked this paragraph. My original phrasing of "I knew I could talk to her" didn't match the emotions I had at the time. By questioning if I should even bother talking to my own mom about my feelings of self doubt, the reader gains better insight into the anxiety I felt. On another note, I originally also had a few sentences in this paragraph talking about the homesickness I was experiencing, but I felt that could distract the reader from the main point of the paragraph, so I cut it out.

I originally had this paragraph, the one before, and the following one lumped into one big paragraph. When I was rereading I realized I had three separate points I was trying to make all clumped into one paragraph. I decided to have one paragraph discuss getting the results from the Econ exam, one describing how I reacted to the result on my own, and one about my conversation with Alex. By splitting these points into their own paragraphs I was able to better explain my thoughts and actions through "little voice," which I believe makes it easier for the reader to digest.

My original conclusion felt rushed. Following Brian's suggestion, I opened with the cliché quote rather than closing with it. By doing this I was able to write in "little voice" to connect with my intended audience (high school version of myself), and end with "big voice" where I zoomed out leaving the reader with advice. This new conclusion feels more meaningful and intentional.

I added these details to this paragraph in my final draft because I needed to be more specific and form a better transition between my conversation with Alex and the imposter syndrome I started to feel as I joined a few clubs on campus. In my original draft all I had said was: "I began adjusting to the college style." This sentence was abstract, not explaining what this looked like. By adding reasons why I became more productive and therefore had time to join clubs (the places where I met people I felt inferior to), it improved the essay's flow.

For most of this paragraph in my first draft I was very general, leaving out specific details that showed the emotions I was feeling. By adding a significant amount of specific details like the names of the people I met, places I went, and activities I did, I was able to better describe the excitement I was feeling. I feel this revised paragraph is now much more concrete and focused.