Everyone
I think rewriting, or at least reworking a large portion of this essay with the advice in my previous annotation in mind would help.
9 Matching Annotations
- Nov 2021
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better.
The main advice and critique I have with this essay is
I like the message that you are getting at here, and I like how it is a fairly unique essay topic, however I think the main message that you are trying at is buried under a lot of unnecessary story telling. Keeping the story simple and showing how it pertains to your life is the key to an essay that stands out.
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Huntleigh, my niece, also gave me a breath of freshair. She loves me purely as her aunt, nothing more nothing less. I could lose a game and shewould still be on the sideline cheering me on.
To build off my last comment, I think that with you do change the focus of it, I think that the transition to this sentence could be smoother.
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During my junioryear of high school I was made captain of my soccer team. This was a challenge for me as thismeant I was planning events and other special things for the team but I had to make sureeveryone was comfortable because of the COVID outbreak. Being a leader for my teammateskeeping everyone safe was a priority. I also had to keep my team together and keep peoplefrom fighting with one another. Having my niece around gave me better knowledge on how tocomfort my teammates after a certain play didn’t go so great or how to properly respond topeople blaming me for a goal against us.
I think that it would be best to really focus in on what your niece taught you and how you applied it here.
Telling the story of how you became captain and what you did is good, but it shifts your focus away from the main topic of the essay.
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What obstacle in your life was fundamental to your later success; recall a time in your life thatyou had a setback or failure.
Sports injuries are a very tough essay topic to pull off because they are very common. The key to this is showing the results of this, rather than the story telling.
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There are times when she gives me some serious attitude and Ijust want to roll my eyes and give her attitude right back at her but, I have to remember that sheis a little kid and she is trying to test me. Learning this patience from her has helped in schooland on my sports teams.
I don't want to take from your writing style because I am not you, but I think that this block of text can use more imagery.
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Growing up I never had any younger siblings. Iwas always the little kid trying to fit in with the older kids.
I like this sentence a lot, just combine it
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All of us in thefamily were very surprised that this happened.
If word count is an issue, I think this line is a little pointless, and a more substantial sentence.
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What experience in High School helped shape you into the person you are today?
What is the word limit for this essay? If I can know how much more room you have to work with, then it can help a ton.
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