form of art without the intentions of influencing young adults.
this seems totally random at the end
106 Matching Annotations
- Mar 2017
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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Next the paper provides sources of online communities and their reaction towards Germany’s reaction to violence and media portraying gamers in Germany.
i dont feel like this is akey concept
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which regards to culture memory
?? bg
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what might the government is creating
bg
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their main focus is to not encourage violence to the user audience.
not specific!
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most of the general public in Germany, still targets the source of initiating violence comes from video games.
proof
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conclude that the changes is effective for not showing excessive violence to the audience that are playing these games
you are saying that censorshop is effective in hiding violence from the gamer audience? this is obvious and does not need any analysis or examination. it's like saying if i put a blanket over this cup of milk, you can no longer see the milk.
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game developers have been cooperating with the administration’s strict rules
obvious
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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main topic
dont literally refer to your main topic in the paper as "main topic". restate what your main topic is. FURTHERMORE, you should not have to directly say they relate if you can already show they are.
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side of the argument where gamers express their annoyance on the changes and bans that are not needed especially gamers in other parts of the world gets to enjoy the gameplay.
run-on sentence. too long, break it up
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show is in fact
bg
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most would see these censorship as a good cause
proof? assumption.
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would care
you mean ***wouldn't care?
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vs
this is too casual, do not phrase it like this in a research paper
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then
spelling
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There were no big protests on removing it but there are certainly a lot of people against it on the online community
sources?
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the example
what is "the example"? one example? or are you referring to the many examples from before?
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Provide list of violent games that are not allowed to be sold and set as a crime.
?
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but in real life killing someone it show
bg
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most games shows briefly
bg
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game. Further questioning their decision of removing violence making each action they’ve commit carries no consequences
this is one idea, don't separate them into diff sentences
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The whole point of censorship is to remove violent thoughts from the people
assumptions, citations. you said that it was to erase history of WW2, but now its to remove violent thoughts in general?
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Because
never, ever start a sentence with because
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gams
spelling
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violent intentions or not,
assumptions. i doubt most people play for "violent intentions".
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Screen shots of online forums gamers
where are the images
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While Germany have restrictive laws on how to distribute this media.
bg
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There are no physical proof
bg
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find ways to sharing
bg, switching present and past tense in the same sentence.
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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general
the general? what general?
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The whole point is creating a safe culture without violence, this however couldn’t be done if the developers don’t follow it.
it sounds like you are agreeing that censorship would create a safer place.
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statement,
?
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Which German gamers know those gameplay adds significant amount of being a part of the foundation of a game.
bg
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what exactly are these bad things these characters are committing?
are you asking the reader the question? no, so don't put a question mark there. it is the gamers that are curious. this sentence needs to be restructured
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This is as if you’re playing paint ball however that is not the case in the game when they’re using real guns shooting people, this could question Germany’s censor position either it is ethical to devalue the consequence of killing.
run-on sentence, too long. break it up. also, you need to explain more clearly the last statement on devaluing death. the way you have written this sentence makes it very hard to understand what you are trying to say.
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Counter strike Go
this is not the right way to refer to the title of this game. try Counter Stroke: GO or Counter Strike Global Offense.
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find an answer on the developer’s choices
bg
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In this section, the paper will be showing a few examples of what clever ways developers have been toying around with the idea of a non-violent version of their game.
this point makes it sound like its all going to be very descriptive, rather than analytical.
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Game developers under pressure, have to comply with the German censorship, in their game there are some hints has made a few statements about what their definition of “portrayal of violence” is.
this sentence is too long. break it up
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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In some rare cases, sometimes are designed to make the gamers feel sympathetic to their actions.
citation or example?
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non-releasing
not releasing*
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“…is indeed harmful to minors (“jugendgefährdend”) and that the freedom of art and/or the freedom of speech do not outweigh the matter of protecting minors,“
interesting. I think it would be really good to add a peer reviewed journal or research that talks about whether or not violent video games actually have an effect on children. this is very easy to find, and there are many articles on this. it would strengthen your argument a lot here.
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dedicated
wrong tense
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While examining Team Fortress 2’s final censored product is produced
bg
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,
should this be a period? these sentences dont link well here.
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By having an ethical value
confusing
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ethical value
what does this mean? i dont think you are using this correctly
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adults then killing digitally animated humans
this sentence does not make sense. do you mean "than"?
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In some rare cases, sometimes are designed
bg
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doing any acts of violence people do die
bg
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only
using the word "only" as if this is the only interpretation is a bit risky so you should avoid using it here.
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believe by prioritizing human importance over others, when
bg. this is not the right way to connect these sentences/ideas
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would think that by restricting the younger audience away from these games would achieve the goal of protecting young children.
what makes you think this? citation? how do you know this is what regular people feel? you are making assumptions. prove.
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For a regular crowed that does not play violent video games would think
bg. If you want to structure your sentence this way, you dont need the word "For" at the start.
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crowed
spelling
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d;“
semicolon is here why?
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If the it has
? bg
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acceptable, this
comma is not used correctly here. looks like you should separate the sentence here
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has done is fascinating
do not put your opinions in this way
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their games most of which
bg. is this an incomplete sentence? i dont understand what you are saying
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culture of production
production of what? censored video games?
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games in solidify
bg
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analysis
analyze.
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gerneration
spelling
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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harmful to young children.
proof? citation?
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faces
bg
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authority
authorities*
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depeciting
spelling
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game’s
bg. writing "game's" with the apostrophe before the "s" means you are only referring to one game.
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tries
bg. try*
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concern
bg
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confirms
bg. confirm*.
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Keep in mind
language is too informal. this is a research paper.
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tone of the game
the "tone" remains the same, in my opinion. definition of tone: "the general character or attitude of a place, piece of writing, situation, etc." I think you mean the storyline or something similar to that.
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changed
wrong tense again
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very evil
language is too informal
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after the change
bg =bad grammar
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What allowed to be
grammar
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controlled
should be in present tense
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bizzarre
inappropriate and an opinion, its best to word this differently at the very least
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adventure of called
grammar
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such as to cover
grammar
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Second World War, replaces
fix grammar
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glorifying
glorifies*. because you wrote "expresses" in present tense, the following must also be in present tense, not past tense.
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anti-Semitic
anti-semitism**
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Censorship on video games with “portrayal of violence,”
unfinished sentence? or is this a poor connection to the next sentence that starts with "Germany"?
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germangamesuncensored.online germangamesuncensored.online
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.
overall, I think I understand what you are trying to say. however, the grammar errors make it a little hard to read.
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how symbols of related to Germany in world war two depicting in video games holds the same value as the symbol relating to violence
this is very vague, it would be nice to have some examples of what these symbols are, more detail. i dont recall you mentioning world war 2 at all before this bottom paragraph.
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however
usually this word is used when you are comparing different, opposing things; i dont think you need this word here.
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The last research
this paper is one, big, research. do not refer to the end as "the last research"--you can probably phrase this a better way.
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searches for
could probably word this a better way
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depicting
depict or depicting? grammar
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symbols of related
grammar problem
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The site
it is best not to refer to your research paper as a "site"
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By examining popular video games that fall in line with Germany’s definition on portrayals of violence, the examined photos show Germany’s sensitive culture takes control over the medium, thus creating a new safety culture for the next generations of young Germans.
is this your thesis? please bold your thesis
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are
is
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states “Detailed
states what? what is this quote describing? i understand what you are trying to say, but you need to improve the connection between this quote and what it refers to. for example, "states that it is 'bla bla bla'".
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What is more absurd
teaching team has commented on this already
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(BPjM)” (2017)
is this a split up citation or is BPjM the name of the admin authority?
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They
not capitalized
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have
use had* if you are speaking in past tense, and "have" if it's present tense
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ny, In
proof read a bit, you put a comma instead of a period here
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original
you mean "originally"*
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which the placed
grammar problem, not proper sentence
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The game-play is evident that according to a game reviewer Erik Wolpaw on GameSpot a reputable game review site
this is a run-on sentence, break it up with commas or separate it into different sentences.
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- Feb 2017
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shidoniii.tumblr.com shidoniii.tumblr.com
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By applying ethnography research method, I would like to discuss how otaku fans phenomenon is related to the AKB48 phenomenon and study the actions of otaku fans.
I did not know what methodology you were using until the very end of the synopsis
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