11 Matching Annotations
  1. Dec 2018
  2. martinauptonwriting.wordpress.com martinauptonwriting.wordpress.com
    1. As the bus pulled away from the stop, I looked out the window, relaxed but attentive to any possible new details.

      Everything after this sentence I completely deleted and rewrote. I already knew the main points I was trying to get across in the original piece but realized the project was unclear, as I introduced many different ideas without elaborating on them. As I rewrote it, I decided to focus on three main ideas: the bus' physical characteristics, how the bus changes with the time of day, and how the time of day influences riders' interactions with each other. Ultimately, these were the three main things I observed when completing the assignment, and they also ended up being the reason I was interested in writing about the Newton bus for my "Meditation on Place" assignment.

    2. Riding & Writing

      This piece originated from the "Writing About Place" one-pager assignment. I chose to work on it further because the original piece received one of my lowest one-pager grades and upon revisiting it, I noticed there was a lot I could've done differently to make it better.

    1. This would mean that, biological factors aside, Japanese people express themselves differently because they were taught to present themselves to society in a certain way.  Eager to explore more possibilities around this phenomenon, I spoke to Professor Patricia Riggin, a faculty member in the Theatre Department, to gain a new perspective on this topic.

      I added this part to clarify the point I was trying to make and to show the new angle I was taking in exploring my question. I also wrote the highlighted opening sentence to introduce my interview source and show why I had chosen to interview Professor Riggin.

    2. I stood under the beating sun, my shoes covered in rust-colored dirt, as the Himba (an indigenous Namibian tribe)’s signature earthly smell from the clay they use to cover their bodies wafted into my nostrils. My family had just presented the tribe with some gifts as a sign of respect, but there was no way to communicate what our gifts were to be used for, or any way to tell if they were pleased, offended, or simply confused. At the time, I was too focused on the obvious language barrier, but as I look back, I realize that maybe I couldn’t tell what the Himba were thinking because they used body language or wore facial expressions different than the ones we were used to. Although judging someone’s emotion based on what we see may be considered an innate ability, perception of facial expressions of emotion may actually be culturally bound. For example, would someone in Arkansas be able to tell what someone in Japan is feeling, just from the expression on their face? When traveling, I often wonder if it is just the language barrier that impedes tourists and locals from understanding each other, or if there is more in the way of full comprehension between these two groups, such as the way people convey their emotions through the expressions on their faces. 

      I deleted my whole introduction and replaced it with this vignette to engage the reader and show why my topic matters to me. Originally, I was never satisfied with how I started the paper and thought I had a weak introduction but wasn't sure how to change it. Although I knew why I was interested in the topic, I tried to go deeper and think about what might've influenced my interest and realized it came from interacting with people of different cultures from a young age.

    3. (such as not being able to tell what the Himba were feeling during our interaction)

      I added this parenthetical to give an example of "misinterpreted signals of emotion during cross-cultural communications" but also to relate it back to the introduction and one of the sources fueling my curiosity for the topic. I realized that sometimes when I write something that's clear to me, I fail to acknowledge that it may not be clear to the reader, and I therefore write without elaborating and leave the reader confused.

    4. Something to consider, however, is whether people express themselves differently because of biological factors or because of how they were raised.

      I added this sentence to indicate a turning point in my paper, where I move from the question "Are facial expressions universal?" to "If they are, why and how so?" I was worried my addressing two questions would confuse the project, as making the project clear was something I often struggled with in the course, so I tried to add what I could to keep it clear while still having two main ideas.

    5. If I could watch old experiences in my life like movies, I would go back eight years to when I had the privilege of visiting the ancient Himba tribe and try to observe their faces more closely and see what I could understand from the interaction.

      I rewrote most of the conclusion to make it stronger and more effective, but this highlighted sentence was completely new. I added it to connect the conclusion to the introduction and emphasize my personal investment in the topic.

    6. Although my curiosity was driven by my general interest in psychology (more specifically, body language) and, as someone who was raised in a bicultural family and multicultural environment as a resident of New York City, interacting with people of different cultures,

      I wrote the highlighted portion to explain why I'm interested in the project when writing about why the author of a source is also interested in the topic.

    7. Before beginning his research, he believed facial expressions were socially learned and therefore varied across cultures. In an attempt to solve the long-standing debate, Ekman traveled to Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Japan, and the United States, where he showed groups of people from each country photographs of individuals displaying different facial expressions of emotion. He then asked each group to judge what emotion they believed was being displayed in each picture, and most individuals from the five cultures agreed. Although this was already a big step towards proving Darwin’s theory right, Ekman was not fully convinced and therefore tried a different approach to support his findings. 

      After making sure I grasped the main idea of this paragraph and Ekman's initial research, I deleted almost the whole paragraph and rewrote it to make it a more clear and effective summary.

    8. This theory has since then been the foundation of a continuous debate among various kinds of scientists.  Dr. Paul Ekman, famously known for his studies of emotions and how they relate to facial expressions, initially began his research opposing Darwin’s universality hypothesis.

      Here I deleted a potentially confusing sentence and rewrote the concluding sentence of the second paragraph and the opening sentence of the third paragraph to write a clearer transition.

  3. Sep 2018
    1. As I push open the heavy red door, I am greeted by a stream of warm, humid air. The smell of chlorine fills my nostrils as I blink repeatedly, my eyes adjusting to the fluorescent light. Stepping through small puddles on the deck and listening to the quiet lapping of water against the pool’s edge, I feel beads of sweat starting to form on the bridge of my nose. The rhythmic splashing of the lap swimmers and the quiet hum of the filtration systems lull me into a kind of stupor. As I saunter across the tile floor, I prepare myself mentally for the next four hours.

      I found this opening paragraph very effective, as you got the sense of being there along the writer as she entered the Plex Pool. I particularly liked how she started her work with her physically entering the place she would then continue to write about because it created a parallel between the reader starting to read her essay and her starting her shift at the Plex Pool and describing it in the process.