One recent example is comedian Dave Chappelle’s Netflix special, “Sticks and Stones” about gun violence.
You mention this example but don't describe it or give its relevance.
One recent example is comedian Dave Chappelle’s Netflix special, “Sticks and Stones” about gun violence.
You mention this example but don't describe it or give its relevance.
is a genre of fiction that refers to any discourse or work generally intended to be humorous or amusing by inducing laughter, especially in theatre, television, film, and stand-up comedy.
This definition is overly complex. How can you streamline?
Mental health is a very serious issue and if you can find various ways to cope with any issues a person may have, one of the coping mechanisms will most likely be humor.
This sounds like guesswork.
ifferent forms of literature and study show that the effect of humor on stress, health and immune function are commonly accepted through different forms of research.
Circular statement.
Mental health has become a focal point in society in recent years.
Too broad.
Humor can be used in various ways.
Too broad. None of your sentences should simply affirm common knowledge.
Too broad.
.Juul believes this is the best way to steer youth away.
Why repeat this phrase?
adolescent o
Proofread.
The psychological benefits of humor are present in everyday life, but few people know of the many psychological benefits of humor.
Streamline your language.
Humor is very important for development because of its impact on the brain. Laughing alone has benefits such as relieving stress, aid in breathing, aid in circulation, etc. These benefits are present but they often go unnoticed because they are unable to be seen.
Breaking this long paragraph into sections would help you focus your ideas.
Mental health is an important topic that with time, has become more serious in today’s society. A person’s mental health is very important because it’s the condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being. If someone’s mental health isn’t the best then usually they also aren’t doing the best in life not performance-wise but health-wise.
Vague and repetitive - how could you streamline and refine this?
rise above continuously striving to make the world a better place
Confusing. Is this tongue in cheek?
When a situation strays from the norm, it can ignite laughter.
Good sentence.
is an accepted notion in the human species
Does anyone claim the contrary? Has its existence recently been disputed?
However, prescription medication has never cost more money.
This is true of most products and services. Can you better pinpoint what you mean?
50-60% of citizens are on prescription medicines
Source?
This is an issue that only affects American citizens and can be solved by implementing new and improved healthcare plans that benefit the people and not just big companies.
This sounds uninformed.
has rapidly increased
Validate this with a source.
This is a topic that is heavily discussed in today's news, however little is actually being done.
Too vague.
However, there are other factors that go into prescription medication. The biggest factor is cost. Prescription medicines in the United States are expensive and not everyone who needs them can afford them.
Offering statistics would more credibly establish the problem.
Prescription medicines are defined as "a drug that is only available with written instructions from a doctor" (Dictionary.com).
This is common knowledge.
Overcharging for prescription mediciation How much are you paying for your prescription medications? How much SHOULD you be paying?
This text gets lost in the background image.
This is precisely the case with humor, too; we must omit it from society.
Not a reasonable position.
It sure can! In the negative section.
This made me laugh.
But the real debate lies in the purpose of humor, and if we need it. To this, I say that there is no simple yes or no to humor.
Resist binary thinking.
After reading this, I was surprised in some of the claims made, especially the ones regarding the health benefits of humor. I did a bit of research on my own, and I found an academic article that portrays the tests on humor and humor’s side effects. According to the Department of Psychology at University of Western Ontario, “the existing empirical evidence concerning health benefits of humor and laughter is less convincing than what is often portrayed in popular-media reports.” I don’t disagree with humor’s benefit, but I think that there should be more research done. Until then, the unearthing of humor’s true effects is yet happen.
The writing in the comment is stronger than the writing in the actual article.
Now, the health aspect of humor.
Awkward transition.
One article,
Published where? What is Gibson's title?
Humor should continue to be used, as it serves many beneficial purposes.
No reasonable rhetor would argue the contrary, that humor should be eradicated. How can you refine this position to respond to a more realistic "threat" to humor?
humor is one of the most popular things in society; it is in our lives every single day;
Too broad. Consider: Humor touches almost every aspect of modern life - it's in our tweets, our banter, our birthday cards.
Once there is laughter, “the laughing person is announcing his discovery that there has been a false alarm; that the rest of the community need not waste its precious resources responding to the spurious anomaly” (Science Direct).
Great quote. It could use a little more explanation.
Why has it remained so prevalent among the duration of humanity’s existed?
Check grammar.
these situations
Too vague.
According to cancer research.uk, there was a specific study performed in Turkey. The researchers selected a field of 40 people to see how they used music therapy to help benefit them during chemotherapy treatment to help reduce stress.
Combine these two sentences.
It’s amazing what music can do!
Kind of a vague, sales-y note to land on.
The main form of treatment I would like to focus on is Music Therapy. Music therapy is a form of treatment that might not be one's first choice for the first one that one may think about, but it can be a very effective form of treatment.
We already knew this was going to focus on music therapy, so this sounds odd.
playing music, performing music,
This feels a little repetitive.
important reason music therapy is important
Cut one of these importants.
Music therapy has been used to help treat and heal people for many years. In 1914,
A strong first sentence: Music therapy has been used to treat and heal people since 1914.
Music Therapy Listening to music in order to help a person emotionally and psychologically while they go trough treatment or recovery.
I love most of your design choices here but the placement of text makes it hard to read.
Mechanical Engineering,
This is your only academic source. Let's review the criteria for academic sources when we meet for conference.
is almost unavoidable in today's society.
Many people would disagree, saying that we're all lost in our devices and have lost the will and capacity to communicate directly.
Human interaction and personal connection may be the factor that slows the increasing use of driverless cars.
Great thinking here.
the woman monitor had turned off the vehicles
This needs attention.
even
Why diminish taxis with this modifier? They are still a substantial sector.
of
Does this refer to the wish of humans to have these robots, or the wishes of the robots themselves?
It is a media masterpiece of automobiles that need little to no attention
I don't understand what this means. Is the movie a media masterpiece?
I agree - detriment is implied in danger.
a multitude of challenges
Can you say this more simply?
Perish under Human or Technological Control?
Great frame.
is regarded as
Why regarded? This introduces a slight amount of uncertainty.
Think of a time where you experienced heavy turbulence, it is not a fun experience.
Oddly vague reference. How else could you convey this feeling of discomfort?
couple
This seems like quite an understatement.
made ships not ideal.
Awkward phrasing.
"Nasheeds may play a role in the "new forms of militant activism described as ‘virtual self-recruitment’” by the ICSR in a 2008 report."
As a pull quote, this needs more context - most readers won't be familiar with nasheeds.
The image above shows Adele pouring her heart into the microphone, allowing the audience to get a piece of the experience she had when writing and performing her song, "Hello."
:)
Smith and Morris
Most people won't know who these people are. Say "researchers at X institution"
because our unconscious mind is always looking to be stimulated by the activation of our senses.
Excellent.
A world where there is no euphonious drain to get rid of the stress and anxiety that floods your mind on an overwhelming day
Beautiful sentence!
claims
The 'idea' claims this?
the study of how music affects cognitive thinking did not emerge until the 1950’s.
Great overview of the academic context.
This word doesn't quite fit.
^earliest
notoriety and importance has increased,
You haven't demonstrated that there has been an increase.
s it good or bad?
Even for a non-academic audience, this might be too simplistic.
There is much talk about music in general,
Too broad.
You do this when you laugh and or even smirk.
Revisit this sentence.
Humor has existed for many generations, longer than humanity can remember. Humor can be described as the quality of being amusing or comic.
Why does this section repeat?
Humor can be used for various things, especially for building connections and establishing different relations all over the world.
Too vague.
Navigating through the world,
This phrasing is a little confusing - it's not clear who is doing the navigating.
Something sinister is happening with these headers.
usbs
USBs
t's Sleek, It's Simple, It's Sneaky
Good headline.
self
Cut.
"Social media influencers" are people who "have access to a large audience and can persuade others by virtue of their authenticity and reach" (Pixlee).
This definition feels out of place - it takes you out of the argument itself.
?
are intended
Companies selling them may have more than one motive.
igh power
"Powerful" might work better here.
around
Is this date disputed? Why?
My uncle lives in New York and recently got rid of one of his cars. He now only has one that he uses to go to the mountains and he told me it was because he can just Uber everywhere now. He leaves the city with Uber and even travels around in the city with Uber. Ever since that Canadian entrepreneur sold his company to eBay and came up with the idea of Uber the company and many others have been booming. The man's name is Garret Camp and one night in San Francisco where he was enjoying his 75 million dollars he starts to watch a James Bond movie.
This is unshaped and unrefined. It reads like a loose combination of ideas. Revisit the known-new contract (slides in ELMS).
The most common types of patients who use it are
This would be a much stronger sentence if rewritten in active voice.
After some time
Can you be more specific?
,
Watch overuse of commas.
Music therapy with mental well-being
Your meaning is vague.
to improve the patient’s happiness and stimulating their emotions
Refine this sentence.
,
^writer X explains:
a simple yes or no answer
How could you avoid repeating "answer"?
It doesn’t matter whether self-driving cars will be introduced to consumers now or in ten years, humans will have to adjust. On the WNYC Podcast “Self-driving car sales pitch” Peter Norton explains that in the 19 teens people had to adjust what they thought streets were for because cars were taking over and injuring pedestrians. Norton further explains that pedestrians will need to look out and defer to self-driving cars to ensure their safety. If pedestrians can be more cautious, then developers can begin to introduce self-driving cars to consumers. Additionally there has been technology that has been developed to predict pedestrian’s movements. This will also help keep pedestrians safe. If self-driving cars were introduced to consumers now then the technology will soon follow. Self-driving cars, along with pedestrian awareness and future technological advancements prove that with little human change such a big dream can become a reality.
This is less than half the required length. What happened?
Many CEO’s of companies know that fully automated vehicles will not be available for a while.
Vague statement. Not a great way to open.
Although this may be the case
It's not clear how this sentence contrasts with the previous one.
Redundant with the first clause in your last sentence.
Yale Law School Legal Scholarship Repository, Jan. 2016
This is the only peer reviewed source in the mix. What happened?
instigate positive change.
This argument does not offer evidence as to how offensive comedy can lead to positive changes.
One can not be on Twitter for more than two minutes before coming across someone criticizing someone else for being out of line
Can this be restated more effectively?
Everybody knows
Resist this kind of generalization.
censurers
censors
to be no more than controversial.
Awkward phrasing - and this seems to ignore the inherently subjective nature of humor. Audiences have always had varying responses to controversial material.
It is already a known fact that electric vehicles, which are increasingly becoming more autonomous,
Cite a source here.
they
They = the government or the citizens?
have started to release the damage
Odd phrasing. Did you mean "research" rather than "release"?
through a multitude of different means of transportation
Compare this with "Throughout history, people have gotten around in all kinds of ways."
Also, what's the significance of the last decade? Multiple modes of transport have been around for centuries...prob millennia.
A website concerning how the advancement of vehicles will affect the environment. *advancement includes the implementation of electric, autonomous, or a combination of the former and latter vehiclesBy looking at various studies conducted by experts, we can see that the cost of implementing electric and autonomous vehicles is worth it. This is important because it may save the optimization of our potential health or even our humanity.
This is a bit jumbled. You don't need to mention that this is a website. Just define the issue. The thesis is out of place here - a thesis signifies an argument, and presumably we're about to hear three different ones. Does this thesis unite them all?
are not likely to be evident.
Awkward phrasing.
Humor. A daily occurrence for some. A rarity for others.
This is too vague.
Which aspects of humor change with the times, and which are more consistent?
Great question!
Self- driving cars are not going to be accepted by all people, therefore, making them not fully effective.
Each line of argument needs its own headline. These kind of run together.
all
allow?
very useful pieces of technology and have a very
Watch this tendency to reach for "very." It waters down your writing.
Reading List
Six sources should be annotated.
If all songs had positive messages like these few, the world would be a much better place.
Does anyone want uniform positivity in their music? Resist making absolute statements like this.
Taylor Swift’s “Better than Revenge” slut-shames the woman who is now with her ex-boyfriend. For someone who has a fan base that is largely women and teenage girls, she should be acting as a positive role model and not holding someone’s decisions against them.
Clearly define the situation before casting a judgment.
People coughed, hummed and whistled
Interesting!
How could you sharpen this phrasing?
it
Use a specific word here.
In the music video, Gambino created he has calculated mimicry of deplorable stereotypes that call back to an era we try to forget (undefeated).
Confusingly put.
The music video of This is America has over 609 million views on youtube, won the grammy for song and music video of the year.
This sentence needs work.
presidential elections, and significant social issues.
This is an odd pairing.
there is a broad audience that listens and can be influenced by music
Can you say something more specific here?
In the past and present
What does this add? Cut.
has another service than just entertainment
Rephrase.
would of though our family could be out potential downfall
What happened to this sentence?
to the increase of people becoming obese
Streamline (i.e., rising levels of obesity)
Ever since technology was invented, people have been less active; computers in the work place has contributed to inactivity. T
Too broad. Cite statistics.
Since technology is used in everyday lives
Be more specific. Handheld technology? Delivery services?
Also, the environment plays a part in contributing to obesity because sometimes the location in which people live, they may not have access to a gym or they may have a lot of fast food places around them.
Sharpen this and cite credible evidence.
There are factors
This seems obvious - I would say something more interesting. "The factors contributing to obesity are widely contested."
There were also tribal customs where they would fatten up women to make them more desirable.
Can you be more precise? Cite a source (or several)? There are so many instances of this in ancient art.
Did you know that
This sounds a little pitchy.
If one’s BMI is 30 or higher that person is considered to be obese.
It would be wise to include here that BMI is a fairly limited measure of one's overall health, but that it is nevertheless a widely used medical standard.
capitalize
AGENDA ITEM NO. 9, CITY OF HAWTHORNE CITY COUNCIL, AGENDA BILL,
Is this intended as your academic source? It's not - academic sources must come from peer-reviewed academic journals.
Check grammar.
This doesn't read like a headline - it doesn't quite stand alone.
Proofread - there are lots of little errors throughout.
his various entities
Be specific.
is a company based around underground personal and public transportation that revolutionizes the future
How could you state this in active voice?
he topic that I chose is on and about the extraordinary
It's ideal here not to bring up the background of the assignment and just launch your overview of the subject itself.
The autonomous vehicle was thought to be a thing of the future.
Give evidence for this thinking - quotes, etc.
I've never heard anyone say they wanted to support abortion because Sarah Silverman made them laugh, or support a fully capitalist economic system because Steven Crowder used humor to convince them to.
Good point, random commenter :)
A study has shown that patients with schizophrenia have shown improved social competence after a humor and laughter intervention.
Source?
Furthermore, it has been observed that those who are more humorous take health concerns and risks less seriously.
Cite a source and be specific with this claim.
It has been found that the life span of comedians and humor authors are not longer than normal entertainers and authors.
Cite a source. Can you say anything more precise about this?
In everyday life, humor is present everywhere such as in social media posts, television shows, magazines, books, podcasts, radio stations and so much more.
Give examples rather than a general rundown.
This
Unclear referent - it could be misread as referring to humanity OR humor (rather than the situation of humanity and humor being entwined).
The first theory is the superiority theory.
This needs a more comprehensive intro sentence before getting into the different theories.
a stab, a chance,
I like the vivid choices here.
"A female artist who portrays herself as a sex object in her own music video sends a considerably different message than a male artist who sexually objectifies female extras or actresses in his video." (Stevens Aubrey, Frisby)
Great quote.
There's always discourse surrounding the question of how women's portrayal in the media affects their status in society.
This would be more compelling if you opened with evidence of the discourse rather than a broad summary of it.
"The Beatles represent modernity instead of Nina Simone, and Bob Dylan stands for poeticism made populist while [Joni] Mitchell or [Aretha] Franklin only do so secondarily,"
Great quote!
Where men are revered and remembered, many women are overlooked.
Good, clarifying sentence.
On this site, you'll find a study of representation, portrayal, and recognition of women in music.
Beautiful intro sentence - you strike a great tone here.
1920s, females who listend to Jazz also wore non-traditional clothing as rebel against traditional female roles.
Great photo, but it doesn't quite map onto this particular conversation.
“Both music and fashion act as social stealth agents, regulating and reflecting cultural roles and expectations while eluding scrutiny through their ubiquity. Music's stealth is aided by its literal invisibility, while fashion functions in spite of, and because of, its hypervisibility.”
Who said this, and how are you interpreting this quote?
because of the clearly intertwined relationship between fashion and music.
Circular logic. This essentially says music influences fashion because fashion and music affect each other.
significantly ,documentary
Proofread.
In 2003, Billboard magazine commented that “music stars are the fastest-rising groups of fashion’s celebrity.”
Can you find a stronger, more specific quote?
our
Is there an age range or generation(s) this more strongly applies to?
almost everyone
Resist this kind of generalization. Many don't follow contemporary music trends at all.
The word “viral” is most commonly used to describe something that is extremely popular. But virality can be acquired by either a celebrity broadcast (which is seen as “fake” virality) or by being diffused person-to-person. This person-to-person process is called structural virality and is seen as more valuable, or more admirable (Castelvecchi). So the question is, what does it take to achieve this? How can I make a meme that will go viral?
Interesting and informative.
SELF EXPRESSION
Vague headlines. Give a stronger sense of each argument's thesis in the headlines.
For example, if someone is taking a chemistry class, they will be more successful and have more interest in making a meme reflecting the struggles in that class, versus if they made one for a math class, given that they don't take the class.
Is this the best example to give? It's oddly vague.
twitter, f
Capitalize
especially in terms of social media.
Rewrite this sentence - it takes far too long to find its way.
toady’s
proof
MEME
I do love a dumb pun. :)
Chevalier portrays the innovations of the driverless car and its infinite possibilities for the future.
Almost impossible to read with the background image.
, the answer is absolutely yes.
I can't pin this "yes" to a question.
I am currently employed in a part manufacturing company that distributes to Ford. After reading this article I showed this to my manager and brought him my concerns. He told me there is no worry and that if this were to ever really happen it would be far, far out of our life time. Is this true?
This comment feels a bit shallow/simplistic. If the "manager" were to use evidence or reasoning to refute these concerns, this comment would bring something new to the debate.
Which leads to the thought of what will happen to the workers within these forgotten processes.
Sentence fragment.
go to put forth the question
Awkward phrasing.
For decades, the vehicle industry
Hasn't this industry always sought to embrace innovation? Can you think of a more precise way to say what you mean here?
productivity and necessity
Did you see my notes on your topic proposal? This phrasing is a bit awkward and imprecise. Refine.
Streaming has also helped to eliminate piracy of music.
Good sentence, great point.
, pop singer, Taylor Swift, being one of them.
Clunky grammar.
Services such as Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora and many others are always signing deals with record labels to feature more artists on their programs. This means more music of all kinds will be available to their listeners. People can now have access to more genres of music as well. Instead of just purchasing the songs from artists they already know they like, they can explore different sounds through streaming.
Your writing is accessible but a little too general. Offer specific examples.
In conclusion,
Don't formally conclude -- this is an intro page.
D sales were down, piracy was soaring, layoffs were more frequent, and the industry was at an all time low.
Not specific enough, and give us a specific date range.
a
E
too
Why evaluate their rise as "too" quick? A more naturalistic approach here would better serve the argument.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love this move! Bold, illustrious...
Interestingly, Merriam-Webster also takes an active stance on the mis-interpretation of words. For example, in the recent turmoil of the US over the "concentration camps" on the southern border, @MerriamWebster offered the shared denotation, making an active participation and stance on the common topic.
M-W's moves to weigh in on political matters on social media are interesting.
Teenager's
Teenagers'
just a week or so ago,
Give a date, as this frame of reference is no longer accurate.
making
Makes
Nobody can really be identified as the leader of this, but it was successful as it resulted in the US withdrawing and the change of the US voting age. Many people talked about it, but nobody had significant influence over it.
Good thread.
believe
Support this with source-based evidence.
This will be delved into, and more in this online forum
Restructure around an active verb.
there’s many movements, especially more recent movements with the advent of the internet and modern communication that are not reliant on a strong leader. For instance, in Venezuela, Interim President Juan Guaido is not a strong leader with a cult of personality, but it is the group of people behind him and the party he is representing that exemplify that you can have a protest movement (whether or not it will be successful is to be seen) without a strong leader; you just need a cause to rally behind.
This is not well explained.
at great personal expense (including jail time and the burning of tens of thousands of Rupees worth of British textiles) chose to follow in his mold as a freedom fighter. Prior to Gandhi joining the Indian National Congress, nobody within the Indian Independence Movement engaged in non-violent tactics. Even in a greater global context, we can see the impact of Gandhi as a leader as he was cited as a strong influence by influential leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and former South African President, Nelson Mandela.
Great specificity here & strong, efficient storytelling.
of Leader on
Clunky grammar. "The Role of the Leader in Social Movements"
The entire world of sports revolves heavily around music,
Too strong
Music also effects the way in which we set our mindset.
Confusing
n any way, shape, or form.
Give some examples.
From personal experience, people listen to music everyday in one way or another.
Vague, odd statement
more to do than just a conventional political stand
"Being an activist is more than taking a political stand..."
with the start with a campaign
Polish
nothing about the way social-media-enabled activists’ messages are spread can be changed.
A more viable argument: that social media is a self-regulating marketplace of ideas, and it will solve its problems without oversight/intervention.
censorship
Again, using this particular c-word is likely to lose most readers. It's strongly associated with government oppression. Another word/softening the frame would be more strategic.