This Introduction needs to be expanded considerably. In this format you have more time and space to unfold your topic and explain the various parts of it.

This image may do better to be enlarged? Or even used as a header format (not basic).

Explain this further. What do you mean by this? Either explain it here or have a digression sequence that outlines the types of digital technologies are used in higher ed...

What's at stake with such changes?

Time frame? Dates?

You need a splash page as a "cover"

These can be individual pages on these authors. They can then path to this page...

Explain what this is. Take some space to consider the importance of these concepts as well as thoroughly explain them.

source.

citations for this section? Besides just explaining what it is, you can start to develop your claims. Perhaps bring in parts of your visual paired with Gaskell?

You need to set up these breakdowns. As you mentioned in your presentation, your book is a little sparse in terms of visuals.

How does this relate to the idea of efficiently replicating texts you mention on the previous page? Can you link these ideas together either via writing or a common visual image?

Can you add a description to the image?

I wonder if the large white space is because of how the media is inlaid. Perhaps you can integrate the image in-line?

Make sure to start your path on your splash page.

This part needs to be addressed and developed

Not true. Haiku is literature. And the way you have discussed these forms suggests a similar tradition as a literature. This sort of discussion needs to be developed here and throughout these early pages. You must link the ideas in the written sections.

This is a great inclusion but needs to be explained and directly linked to written culture.

what makes them comedies? Origins? Directly link to written texts.

bare

spelling

what does this mean? Vague and out of place.

Sources? And, again, this needs more fleshing out. Who writes haikus? How dispersed? Why is the simple form relevant to cultural communication?

Set these up as forms of multimodal expression. A write up and a "home" page will help do this.

So it replaces a written text? Lead with this.

This topic needs more detailing. What is the goal of kabuki in terms of message and audience? Is this a regional phenomenon?

Introduce an annotate this video. It is too long to just be placed in the page. Also, annotation and integration are a great way to unpack the information in your sources (i.e. the video) and use their terms and ideas to build your argument.

include a description.

Over time

show?

lower-case

perhaps explain this term.

name it.

a bit cliche. Revise phrasing.

This information can be in the description for the image.

where is the death in this discussion? I like the way you are integrating your visual, but make sure to set up this integration.

by whom?

This needs to be elaborated upon. You have a lot of space to thoroughly introduce your topic and the many caveats you will address throughout the book.

could these and an explanation of their significance be one page and link to specific pages for each hyperlink? I think this will make for better pathing...

greta point. Make sure to keep this at the forefront of your conversations.

I like your splash page image!

This is excellent!

This link is broken.

As I mentioned on the last page, could you include more visual elements on your pages?

what do you mean here?

This needs to be clarified, espeicially since your last page outlined Spanish overlords...

Can this page contain any visuals or other modal aspects?

What does this mean?

Make sure to cite after each immediate instance of use.

Interesting point of departure. Why here? Especially considering that much of the foundations of America stem from issues of religious freedom starting with the Reformation.

Can you explain (briefly) why these cases are important to your topic? Even gesture to this significance?

This is a great section on this page...

This image is lost on the page this way. You can't see the information. Can you zoom in to relevant parts? Or make it larger on a separate page and path the page?

Can you offer more information in this description? Date of incident perhaps.

This is a great splash image!

Your introduction should have a few more pages that discuss your project and Alice as an example.

Can you more thoroughly explain these images?

This is a great image. Maybe use it as a header image?

As my previous comments suggest, you can use this space to better integrate the image with the written text.

Can you more specifically name/title these?

Name it.

Maybe give more information about the image besides a naming. Why is it on this page?

of x.

This is a great splash image!

State what is the problem with such discrepancies in the meaning of these terms. You can give more information on these pages.

And why this was an important change? You don't have to state a "claim statement" but you should have a reason (or argument) as to why this is a relevant topic to our course topic.

I?

Not to belabor the point, but this is a place in the video that you can annotate and discuss. I also think that you can have a few nesting paths to "deep dive" on these specific topics a bit more.

This is why those videos need to be broken down and discussed instead of just uploaded. You can't rely on your reader to figure out what the vernacular is and why it is important to your topic, argument, and scope of your topic.

Create a new paragraph that explains how the graphic--the very detailed--graphic animates this growth and change.

Also, explain a bit more about this subsets idea. Perhaps through the graphic (see above) or just a bit more in the first paragraph.

This is a HUGE question and one that needs to be broken down in a proper, written section. Again, can you annotate parts of the video and paraphrase others for better integration and use of the information? It's a little too hands-off to be effectively used as evidence. The video (and the previous) are great resources; they just need to be treated a bit more.

Can you make some of the content of this page paragraph? What are the specifics you want to be included in this conversation (and are important content in the video)?

Also, in terms of evidence, this is a long video to make a reader watch (and to USE effectively). I would annotate parts of it (maybe 2 that you can include in your written description), then have a page that is pathed to the entire video.

I like the graphic and the page seems balanced. Nice work!

Can you expound upon what you mean by use here?

Petrarch

These weren't cited throughout...

You have no paths in your piece...

I don't understand this graphic...

Citations are needed for this section and all others.

Key terms...don't bury them

A lot of these images should be lager so they can be seen--possibly even individual pages.

Unnecessary--tell your reader what s/he needs to know.

Explain this change. You need to do more explanation throughout--imagine that your audience does not know any of these factors. Especially not the problems within them.

This is not a citation. And why a link?

emphasize

Don't just reference, but explicate and explain what this article means.

This is not a viable rationale for your argument. You use it a few times in the book--cut and restate.

Don't jump the gun here. Make sure to explain your problem in a systematic way (you haven't yet). THEN briefly posit your solutions--solutions you will get at more clearly in the second part. Also, use this introduction to explain the parts of your book a little bit (and why they are present--what will x do).

(USG). Also, choose a format and stick with it. You move from USG to U.S.G. throughout. Choose one and use it.

Why is this here? Discuss the article and quote from it. Then have an external hyperlink to this article.

Throughout, you need to make better use of your sources, especially interviews. Don't just plop them into the page--integrate them and analyze them as you would in any sort of argumentative paper. If you find that you are being too verbose in a section, then cut some of the longer talk and put it on a new page.

Name it. Here, and throughout, you often use pronouns (like "this") to replace vital information. Please correct this instance and all others.

Sketch this out for your reader.

Why?

Can you use an external source to place the rile of clubs at other schools? Or as a presence in higher education?

These aren't works cited since you have little to no citations in the piece.

explain passage.

already exist. What does this mean though?

Or do a dry run with a smaller amount of clubs?

Can you use bullets to summarize before you explain in full?

explicate quote.

spell out.

Explain this passage. What is it saying? What does that mean? And how does it relate to your problem?

because...

? rephrase.

A little wordy. Can you state this more clearly?

separate pages. Also, include more images to break the page up. Even splash images on the top for the smaller pages will be helpful.

because...

Introduce passage.

Why is this an issue? State it...

because...

Refresh your reader as to the nature of these issues. Imagine I didn't come from the last page.

These should be their own pages.

Which ones? Again, refer to specific parts.

Make sure to include images.

Should each of these be their own page? Then you can unpack some of the terms and use evidence to support your claims/reasons.

Why is this an issue? How does it relate to the problem. This is something you need to explain throughout your pages.

Describe them and refer to relevant ones (or problematic ones). ANALYZE YOUR EVIDENCE.

Explain what this is (especially because you refer to it so often). Maybe show the site and how it works (in a few screenshots).

Refer to specific parts and set up that this information came from this interview.

Check your capitalization throughout. You often capitalize words that do not need to be.

Show and analyze relevant parts. Then put the entire document on a separate page that you can either hyperllink or path

Can you make a chart or graphic that shows how these 2 types stack up?

Explain the difference here. And how can they be used to discuss your problem. This is why it is so important that the parameters of your problem are clearly stated--so you can refer back to them as you fill in the narrative with details (like specifics from these spreadsheets and minutes).

Show these parts.

show with evidence. Or, you can screenshot an example and refer to it in your analysis here. In general, you need more graphics and images. Take advantage of the medium.

For what? Fine. But make sure to analyze them here. Show specific parts from the balance sheets and explain how they were relevant in the 1980's and how they are relevant to the problem now.

Such as? State it.

These interviews need to be integrated into your introduction. Also, this page needs an introduction. And no matter where these end up, these interviews need to be analyzed and discussed like the texts that they are. If they are evidence, they need to be explained.

These titles need to be more descriptive. Also, these pages need images and design elements added to them.

Obviously, this needs to be updated.

See comment for Archive 1. Also, these images are not showing up.

Give this a real name--a descriptive name. And explain what this document is. You can even take screen shots of specifci parts or zoom in on what is relevant.

No we can't. Again, explain the history of the problem and integrate these below pages better. They can still be their own pages, but they need to be analyzed and addressed in spaces like this one.

Same as before. This information needs to be presented and analyzed. AND it needs to be contextualized in your problem.

This is not a written section--a link DOES NOT supplement your explanation. What from this page is important? Explain who BA is , what they do, and how they relate to your problem.

Specifically refer to parts of this article. It is not enough to post an entire article--you need to show us and explicate parts that are relevant. Also, these are not sound citations. Fix here and all other places.

Why is this a hyperlink? Also, the statement of the problem it links up to needs a lot more fleshing out. It is too sparse of a description. Consider: who does it impact? Who plays a part in it (set the scene)? What are dietary restrictions?

This needs to start from your splash page (where your paths will start). Also, this section needs to explain the parts of your book and why they are there.

This section needs to be introduced. What are these definitions of? Why are they useful to your project? How do they fit as dietary restrictions? How do they relate to your problem?

This is out of place. If you want to refer to the picture, integrate into the text and talk about it. Making sure that these images are not just decoration is an important part of the assignment (and academic writing writ large).

How? Again, what is desirable about this medium? And what makes it particularly important when discussing the golden age and pastoral? You can be a little theoretical here, too. If the golden age is a time of prosperity--a time that has never truly occurred--how does the artificial space of the video game appeal to this?

What is this role? Again, you are building upon information that you ave yet to define or sketch out.

This discussion of video games needs to be more detailed and bette integrated into the above discussion. How will video games help you answer and investigate the questions and issues you have started to introduce above? How are video games usually used? Why are they a desirable medium for your topic? For your Scalar book, this may be better off as a separate page...

Again, the content of these articles is more important than knowing they exist. Replace the play-by-play with concepts--what are these definitions and how do they relate?

Also, in this sort of medium, you can use hyperlinks or paths to take you to fuller discussions. But in the traditional final paper, you will have to include these ideas in the main body of the paper.

At this stage, you should be stating what you have found, not what your plan is/was.

Here is another instance where you are replacing analysis with impression/reaction (your narrative). This is detrimental to your explanation as you are leaving out crucial pieces of information (i.e. why this discrepancy is significant or worth considering). Essentially, you are passing over your rationale.

Is this from the passage? If so, put the direct sections in quotations (to still use his language) and indicate that you are referring back to this passage by saying so ("As the above passage suggests...").

In what context does he say this? To what does he refer? Maybe a stronger transition into this idea id necessary?

You're a bit off here. What you seem to be discussing here are the idiomatic ways that the idea and term the "golden age" has been used. Talking about a "golden age" of something means an idyllic time of progress and "wealth" or "richness" (this doesn't have to be monetary). What your project seems to be grappling with is how does this sort of term/usage relate to the actual, literary version of the golden age as we have been discussing in relation to the pastoral. You need to be clearer about the parameters of your scope and how the various moving parts work together.

You need a citation for this quote (I'm assuming it is Marinelli). Also, explain the passage. As we have discussed in class numerous times, first explain the passage THEN contextualize it in the immediate discussion. You have not done either of these here. Please consider this comment with all other directly quoted or paraphrased passages after this one.

See above comment about definition. Even with a more personal narrative, logically you need to state what the concept is THEN why it was so different/surprising/enlightening.

I know you spoke of a more narrative voice in this assignment (which is acceptable to a point). However, turns of phrase like this one are neither helpful nor illuminating. You are replacing necessary content with description. Revise for clarity.

Which was? Again, you can't compare an unspoken or unheard of term. Your reader/audience will not follow (even if they have read the same pieces you have).

What is the benefit of doing this? Why is this a worthwhile or desirable perspective? This needs to be explained both to develop your point, but also to initially state it.

What is this "pastoral version"? If you are using Gifford's terminology/timeline (as you are) refer to him in your analysis. Again, it will give you the credibility of "they say" as you are making/unfolding your argument.

Try and keep your voice active (using active verbs). Here, "My chosen topic compares..." It is not necessarily grammatically incorrect, but active verbs often force you to keep your language concise. If you read through these sections, you can revise this by just looking for your verbs and their tenses.