In Chloe's hand, her phone vibrates. The screen lights up: MARCUS. 克洛伊手里的手机震动了一下。屏幕亮了起来:马库斯。Ethan's eyes drop to it. 伊桑的目光落在了那上面。CLOSE ON CHLOE: her smile gone, staring at the name.
这个场景改成Chloe用崇拜、敬佩的眼神看着伊森,并且对他竖起大拇指,展现出甜美女孩又甜又可爱又崇拜的模样。
In Chloe's hand, her phone vibrates. The screen lights up: MARCUS. 克洛伊手里的手机震动了一下。屏幕亮了起来:马库斯。Ethan's eyes drop to it. 伊桑的目光落在了那上面。CLOSE ON CHLOE: her smile gone, staring at the name.
这个场景改成Chloe用崇拜、敬佩的眼神看着伊森,并且对他竖起大拇指,展现出甜美女孩又甜又可爱又崇拜的模样。
the empty cup still in his pocket.
这句话删掉
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森发出胜利者的笑容,但是骨子里根本没把Kevin这种蝼蚁放在眼里
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森冷漠地盯着Kevin。
He bends, snatches up a sheet, and grips it to rip it in half.
应该是紧握着这张纸,准备把它撕成两半
Kevin's empty cup remains jammed in Ethan's suit pocket.
这句删掉
the impact echoing across the live speakerphone as Kevin recoils.
这句在短剧中作用不大
Chloe's fingers unconsciously dig into Ethan's arm.
可以补一个伊森运筹帷幄的神态,他抬手拍了拍Chloe的手,似在安慰她
makeup employee flinches,
这位浓妆艳抹的员工
Deathly silence.
所有人的嘴巴吃惊地张开
LAWYER 律师
律师专业而不带感情地说
The office erupts in jeers. Every phone is up, every face waiting to watch the clown get crushed.
有人的脸上是好奇,有人是不屑,有人是幸灾乐祸
BASEBALL-CAP EMPLOYEE 戴棒球帽的员工
员工殷勤而谄媚地对凯文说,贼眉鼠眼
The young Miss
改成集团大小姐Chloe
Ethan looks down at the coffee dripping off his shoes.
伊森冷漠地看着
KEVIN 凯文
露出不屑的神情
Kevin stuffs the empty cup into Ethan's suit pocket and pats his chest twice.
这样男主也太憋屈了,改成在他胸口拍了两下就足够
KEVIN 凯文
凯文阴阳怪气地说
He points the plastic straw at Ethan's nose.
他把冰拿铁的杯子对着伊森的鼻子。
Ethan doesn't move from the entrance.
伊森冷眼看着他们,鼻腔中发出哼地一声冷笑
BASEBALL-CAP EMPLOYEE 戴棒球帽的员工
员工发出幸灾乐祸的声音,好像发现了什么新大陆似的震惊
On screen, a barefoot man in a hospital gown runs against the flow of the crowd, screaming, knocking over a hot dog cart, four orderlies with stun batons chasing relentlessly behind him.
突出时男主奔跑时的模样,和之前形成callback
Ethan stops at the glass entrance in his charcoal suit and polished leather shoes. Across the open-plan office, employees play mobile games and reapply makeup at cluttered desks. Not a single person is working. The blinds of the glass General Manager office remain closed.
应该有一个伊森走入公司玻璃大门的场面,并打量了四周后,皱了皱眉,停下了脚步
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森露出神秘高智的微笑
Chloe's eyes light up.
对伊森露出迷妹般崇拜的眼神和期待的笑容
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森停下擦头发的动作,转过头认真看着Chloe,微微皱眉
Chloe's hand freezes in midair. One second. Two. Then she curls it into a fist, presses it to her lips, and clears her throat. A haughty huff.
Chloe一开始懵住了,但她很快调整好了表情,要特别体现她那种被拆穿后的害羞和傲娇
Ethan straightens up as if nothing happened, turns sideways, grabs a spare towel off the sofa armrest, and rubs it through his soaking hair.
伊森却游刃有余地挺直了身子,将手从Chloe周围撤开
Chloe blinks nonstop, lips pressed tight
不停地眨着她水润润的大眼睛
She flinches at the cold. Their faces hover a fist's width apart, the scent of his body wash wrapping around her completely.
要加上Chloe因为距离过近而连脸红的描写
eyes glued to the upside-down screen, ears burning red, as his footsteps come closer. And closer.
Chloe目不转睛地盯着他走进,脸红
Barefoot,
这时,男主的脚上虽然还有疤痕,但是已经不流血了
A hint of a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth
嘴角扬起一丝邪魅调情的微笑
Still cross-legged on the sofa, juice in one hand, she drops her head to her phone and pretends to scroll. The phone is upside down.
删掉这句话
Chloe glances up casually from her phone and nearly spits out her strawberry juice.
Chloe本来懒洋洋地、悠闲地坐在沙发上刷手机,抬眼一看,差点把嘴里的草莓汁喷出来
Bathroom's at the end of the hall.
删掉这句话
Ethan stands barefoot at the elevator threshold and doesn't step in. When he finally does, every step leaves a crimson footprint on the snow-white marble.
改成伊森打量着四周环境,犹豫片刻,抬脚走进了客厅
he doors part on a penthouse that takes up the entire floor. Beyond double-height floor-to-ceiling windows, the New York skyline is lighting up bit by bit. White marble floors. A sofa buried in stuffed animals and throw pillows. A coffee table littered with half-unpacked luxury shopping bags.
门一开,两人站在客厅外。Chloe率先向伊森说,进去吧,这里很安全
The Phantom accelerates and merges into traffic. Ethan leans back into the seat, watching the Manhattan skyscrapers stream past. His gaunt face hangs reflected in the window glass, and his eyes grow sharper and sharper.
删掉这段
You get Marcus. I get the name.
删掉这句话,改成,“成交,你得到钱,我得到真相”
He looks down at his torn hospital gown and his raw, lacerated feet bleeding onto the white wool floor mats. His gaze drifts to the door handle, then to the street rushing past outside. Three years, and this is the farthest he's been from Blackwood. One step out of this car, and they drag him back.
我觉得这里可以加一下伊森的内心独白:天上不会掉馅饼,但是我现在别无选择了。
Ethan doesn't answer.
听到这句话后,伊森的眉头稍微舒展了一点,虽然仍然是戒备地看着Chloe,但是手上的力道松了
My brother Marcus wants the family fortune.
不能说成是want,应该是想独吞财产
his pupils contract.
伊森仿佛听到了什么禁语,眉头皱了起来
Her smile fades halfway.
她的笑容缓缓消失,从甜美单纯的模样变得聪明智慧
Chloe glances down at the grip.
Chloe许是感到有点疼痛,轻呼了一声,但是却没有挣脱
Ethan stays pressed against the locked rear door
伊森的后背紧贴着车后门,眼睛微微眯着,满眼戒备地盯着Chloe
Ethan ignores the bottle. His hand shoots out and clamps around her wrist.
伊森的眼神应该是很戒备的
CHLOE
Chloe甜甜地笑着
while dark blood from his bare soles smears the snow-white wool carpet.
脚底的伤口渗出的暗红色鲜血斑斑点点地落在雪白的羊毛地毯。
Chloe keeps the candy stick between her lips, offers a teasing wave through the window, and silently mouths bye-bye as the car surges away.
从车外看,车里的Chloe探到车窗玻璃前,
Ethan wrenches his arms free from the two pinning guards and dives headfirst into the rear passenger cabin. He kicks his bleeding feet inside and slams the heavy door shut.
补充一句:整个过程发生不过三秒。
Outside, the bald orderly slams his contorted face against the tinted glass, frantically rattling the door handle.
这里应该是车外视角,那四个护工随后反应过来,很快朝着车门跑过去,但是在他们到达的前一秒车门已经被啪地关上了
The orderly with the syringe walks up,
拿着注射器的护工阴恻恻地笑着,边走过来,边说,“怎么不跑了?”
Current surges through Ethan's body, forcing his spine into a violent, arched convulsion. Two orderlies seize the moment and pin his arms hard against the iron grid, one on each side.
伊森痛苦地弓下了腰,用手捂着腹部。
Ethan reaches the corner.
跑到街角,停了下来
Ethan grabs the metal frame of a hot dog cart, violently throwing his weight into it. The cart flips across the pavement, scattering steaming sausages, mustard, and red sauce in the path of the pursuit. The vendor screams curses after him.
伊森抓住路过的一个热狗推车的车架,猛地用全身力气往后一退,朝着护工奔来的方向。
Ethan's eyes catch the baton and the needle.
看到电击棒和针头后,似乎是想起了什么痛苦的回忆,爆了一句粗口。
ETHAN 伊桑
补充:伊森边跑便气喘吁吁地说
Ethan twists his head back toward his pursuers mid-stride.
应该是伊森一边大步跑着
A woman leaps out of his path and
这里应该补充一个细节,一个女士本来恰好挡在了男主奔跑路径的前方,男主大叫一声,闪开,女士吓了一跳
A bloodcurdling scream rips through the noon crowd. Ethan charges against the flow of pedestrians, screaming with his mouth wide open, knocking people aside.
Ethan出现在画面的第一秒发出一句脏话,类似于damn,fuck
Bloody bare feet
不要形容成是沾满鲜血的赤脚,改成是“一双伤痕累累的赤脚,脚底还依稀渗出了丝丝血迹”这种表述
Adrian steps in closer, boxing M
向前迈了一步,微笑且危险地看着梅森
His eyes slowly close.
他不禁吞了吞口水,闭上了眼睛。
Adrian doesn’t answer.
他显露出一个若有若无的轻笑,速度快到梅森以为他出现了幻觉。
So why the hell are you trying to control me? 那你他妈的到底为什么要控制我?
改成:那你他妈的到底为什么还要关心我?
His face shows nothing.
他深吸了一口气,后又恢复了平静
Or will you do anything, as long as the money’s right?
改成:只要钱到位,你连脸都可以不要?
At Adrian’s side, his hand slowly tightens into a fist.
阿德里安盯着梅森和那个美女的方向
sidestepping a man who leans in to flirt and a woman who reaches for his arm. He doesn’t break stride.
目不斜视且暗含愠怒地避开了......
Three days later 三天后
这一段字幕删掉
(lonely) (孤独)
落寞而坚定地
He stares at it for a long time.
脸上展现出从未施展过的柔情
I don’t like you.
改成我对你没有想法
Mason is left kneeling alone on the tangled bed. A few seconds of stillness. Then a long breath out.
添加:梅森嗤之以鼻地笑了一下
I don’t like you.
改成我对你没有想法
He pauses. Looks up at Mason
添加一下阿德里安的神态描写,是被亲吻后脸上还带着红晕还是克制的愤怒?
and cracks his open palm across Mason’s face. The strike snaps Mason’s head sideways. Under the lamplight, red finger marks rise fast on his left cheek.
是扇巴掌,但是不要那么重,脸颊上不会出现红指印
Adrian calmly looks back at him.
随后也轻笑了
A black T-shirt is
改成修身的、显露梅森好身材的黑色背心
Richard, in a suit, signs a stack of papers and checks his watch without looking up at Adrian standing rigid before his desk.
添加字幕:一周前,梅森家书房
Mason stares for two full seconds, like he just heard something absurd.
补充添加:梅森摸了把脸,仿佛听到什么荒谬的话似的笑了起来
Adrian doesn’t move. 阿德里安一动不动。
阿德里安冷静地看着他。
Mason is instantly awake. He shoves himself upright, and the blanket slides down to his waist.
添加神态描写,梅森从睡眼惺忪的状态猛地睁大了双眼。
his eyes burning with a dark fire.
不要用眼中燃烧着火焰这种描述,就写直勾勾地盯着身下那人。
Mason sits rigid in his chair, a pen gripped in his right hand. Adrian stands pinned directly behind him, one palm braced flat on the desk while his other hand completely envelops Mason’s writing fingers. Adrian’s chest presses flush against Mason’s spine, trapping him in unbroken heat.
加上此时二人的神态描写:梅森的表情应该是有点脸红、躁动不安的;阿德里安的表情应该是专注冷肃的。
EPISODE 10 第 10 集
As the final episode of the first release, this one doesn't build much suspense. My suggestion is to include some scenes of Nora's everyday college life in the first half—for example, when she's studying quietly in her room and her roommate bursts in excitedly, asking if Nora wants to go to a party that night. Nora declines, as usual. Then the episode ends with Julian saying, "It's time for you to gain more privileges. I trust you won't let me down."
and the closed contract
delete the contract
closed contract
delete the contract, reason as above
He places the closed contract documents beside it, then steps across the threshold.
delete the contract, reason as above
the contract
Let's just delete the contract. Personally, I'd prefer that the exclusive service arrangement remain just a verbal agreement between Nora and Adrian.
Nora takes a length of coarse rope from the bench, pulls his arms behind his back, and binds his wrists tightly against the base of his spine.诺拉从长凳上取下一段粗绳,将他的双臂拉到背后,把他的手腕紧紧绑在脊椎底部。She steps in front of him, pressing gloved fingers under his chin and forcing his face up.她走到他面前,戴着手套的手指按住他的下巴,强行将他的脸抬起来。NORAFrom now on, you speak when I allow it. And when you speak to me, you call me Master.从现在起,只有在我允许的时候,你才能说话。而且,当你跟我说话时,必须称呼我为“主人”。Adrian's lips part. 阿德里安微微张开了嘴。NORADid I allow it? 是我允许的吗?He shuts his mouth. A beat.他闭上了嘴。停顿了一会儿。NORANow. Say it. 现在。说出来。ADRIAN 阿德里安Master. 大师。Nora releases his jaw and points downward.诺拉松开了他的下巴,朝下指了指。NORAGaze down. 低头看看。Adrian lowers his eyes instantly, his bare shoulders rigid against the biting rope.阿德里安瞬间低下了头,赤裸的双肩因那条勒得生疼的绳索而僵硬起来。Nora gestures to the bare wood.诺拉朝那块裸露的木头示意。NORAOn your stomach. 趴下。Adrian lowers himself flat onto the empty floorboards, pressing his bare chest and hips against the cold ground with his bound hands locked behind him.阿德里安俯身趴在空荡荡的木地板上,赤裸的胸膛和臀部紧贴着冰冷的地面,双手被反绑在身后。Nora steps over his prone, bare-chested frame and plants her gloved hand firmly on his lower back. Then she straightens, steps back, and raises the long black leather whip high above him.诺拉跨过他仰面躺着、赤裸上身的身体,将戴着手套的手牢牢按在他的下背部。随后,她挺直身子,向后退了一步,将那根长长的黑色皮鞭高高举过他的头顶。NORALet's see if you mean it. Do not move.看看你是不是认真的。别动。The lash hangs in the air. Seconds stretch. Sweat beads at his hairline.那根鞭子悬在半空中。时间仿佛凝固了。他的发际线处冒出了汗珠。Nora looks down at him: the man who holds her debt, her mother's life, her secrets. He is flat on her floor, waiting for her permission to breathe.诺拉俯视着他:这个掌握着她的债务、她母亲的性命以及她所有秘密的男人。他平躺在她的地板上,等待着她允许他呼吸。Adrian's wrists remain bound tightly behind his spine. He lies completely motionless and does not flinch beneath the suspended strike.阿德里安的手腕仍被紧紧绑在背后。他一动不动地躺着,面对那悬在头顶的重击,连一丝颤动都没有。
The last third of this episode and Episode 9 follow a similar plotline, which might lead to viewer fatigue. My suggestion is that Episode 8 should end right when Nora shouts, “Get down on your knees!” at the very end; this would leave viewers wanting more and encourage them to keep watching.
ADRIAN 阿德里安So that's why you wouldn't answer me.
I don't think this line fits the logic of the story very well. It would be better to change it to, "So this is what you meant when you said you wouldn't fall for him."
Nora lowers her eyes to the sorted papers.朱利安缓缓呼出一口气,在她沉稳的气场下,他紧绷的身姿终于松弛下来。诺拉低头看着那些已整理好的文件。NORA (V.O.) 诺拉(原声)He grieves like a doctor. And he's leaning on the spy.
This scene is unnecessary and adds nothing to the plot.
NORALook at me, Julian. What happened?
Here, Nora’s tone doesn’t sound much like that of a new assistant speaking to her boss, and she has always presented herself to Julian as capable yet well-behaved; her tone needs to be gentler, but not weak.
NORAI spilled coffee on myself. On purpose. He went to find me dry clothes, and I had a minute alone with the screen.我把咖啡洒在了自己身上。是故意的。他去给我找干衣服,而我则有片刻时间独自面对屏幕。ADRIAN 阿德里安Dry clothes. 晾干衣物。NORAMy shirt was soaked. He lent me some of his.我的衬衫湿透了。他把他的衬衫借给我穿。
The pace is a bit slow here. After Nora says she did it on purpose, she could say, “He let me borrow his clothes,” and then the last two sentences can be omitted entirely—they’re too redundant.
NORAYou wanted progress. 你们想要进步。
I think this line sounds a little odd. At first glance, the audience might not quite understand what Nora is saying. It might be better to change it to something like, “I’ve done my best.”
Scene 2 场景 2
This scene doesn't add much to the overall plot; it's enough for this episode to end with both characters feeling their feelings for each other grow stronger.
Offscreen, a locker door clicks open in the lounge.
The scene changes seem a bit too frequent here. I think it would be fine to stay on this shot, but we could add some background sound—footsteps that get louder as the person approaches.
JULIAN (O.S.) 朱利安(画外音)These might be a little big on you.这件衣服对你来说可能稍微大了一点。
Similarly, don't let Julian say that line; instead, use the sounds of a closet door opening and clothes rustling coming from the dressing room.
JULIAN (O.S.) 朱利安(画外音)I have dry clothes in the locker. Stay right there.我的储物柜里有干衣服。你就在那儿别动。
I don't think this line is necessary; adding it to Julian's character would make him seem less sharp.
His free hand crushes the pen on his desk.
That's a bit unrealistic—fountain pens aren't that fragile. I think this could be changed to "snapped a pencil on the table."
the rumpled bedcovers.
same as the above
rumpled covers
The phrase "rumpled covers" sounds a bit odd—the blanket should be smooth, but the area between Adrian's legs would be raised high, and the bulge in the blanket would create wrinkles.
his rhythm involuntarily
It doesn't specify what kind of rhythm this is; it actually refers to the twitching of Adrian's hand, which causes the blanket to rise and fall—first high, then low—with the rate of change accelerating.