he steps directly into Chase's chest instead of dropping.
改成,他用手抹了抹脸上滴落的水珠,另一只手颤抖着指着chase。
he steps directly into Chase's chest instead of dropping.
改成,他用手抹了抹脸上滴落的水珠,另一只手颤抖着指着chase。
raises a hand and pats Ethan's cheek. Pat. Pat. Pat.
这三个拍打要有停顿
Look at you. Pathetic dog. Get on your knees and bark.
美式校园霸凌般地嘲弄,之后语气渐渐转为冰冷刺骨
He grabs a bucket of water from the corner, lifts it, and dumps the whole thing over Ethan's head.
前面加一句,但那笑容转瞬即逝,他转身从身旁的角落抓起一桶水
ETHAN 伊桑I'm sorry. Sorry you're a dumbass.
故意地用很奇怪的语气说对不起对不起
CHASEWanna try that again? Apologize to the young master.
挑衅地说,并且要直接说,向我这个少爷道个歉
Ethan glares straight into his face.
眼神略带恐惧地,但是同时又很生气
Chase smiles
皮笑肉不笑
ETHAN (V.O.) 伊桑(画外音)Here it comes. The idiot's back to settle the score.
伊森的inner monologue
If you feel humiliated, that's your problem. All I did was correct your stupid mistake.
不甘示弱地回击
Ethan's hands find the edge of the sink behind him and grip it hard.
这里,伊森虽然面容很镇定,但他还是悄悄用手抵着身后水池边缘
CHASEYou humiliated me today, four-eyes.
怒气冲冲地说
Sadly, tonight you don't get a choice.
有种幸灾乐祸的语气,但是神态是讽刺的
CHASEGet off me, you freak. Since when do you get to climb on top of me?
不断挣扎
You're freezing to death. Stay down.
语气略带心疼
thrashes against the wool
在羊毛毯下拼命挣扎
his lips purple
嘴唇不要发紫,就是苍白一点,不红润
Tyler pulls out his phone. The glowing screen fills the dark.
泰勒皱了皱眉头
BARTENDER 调酒师"Just go with it," huh? “顺其自然吧”,是吗?(beat) (停顿)Very convincing. 非常有说服力。
嘲弄地说
Mason sinks onto Tyler's empty stool and picks up Tyler's half-finished beer.
梅森仿佛失去了所有力气
Tyler pulls the varsity jacket tightly around his chest, pulls his hat low, and flees out the door.
泰勒低头绕过了梅森
MASON 梅森Since you went viral. 自从你走红以来。
戏谑地说
Mason waves his phone. 梅森挥了挥手机。
笑着
TYLER 泰勒Since when do you even come to places like this?
泰勒步步紧逼
Don't make it weird. You looked like you were about to get eaten alive. What else was I supposed to do?
故作轻松的语气
TYLER 泰勒W-why did you... why'd you do that?
疑问且不敢面对地问
(beat) (停顿)It was nothing. Forget it.
随即绽放了一个灿烂的笑容
TYLER 泰勒A what? 什么?
心虚地说
Back there, you had a... a...
犹豫怎么组织语言
His eyes drop straight to the small of Tyler's back. He lifts a corner of the jacket and the coat hem beneath it.
他的动作是试探且疑惑地
TANK-TOP MAN 无袖衫男...Why am I holding a rose?
疑惑地自言自语
Mason is the first to let go. Tyler doesn't move. He stays exactly where Mason left him, lips parted, eyes still half-closed.
泰勒仿佛被亲懵了
One second passes. Then another. Mason doesn't let go.
反而伸出舌头加深了这个吻
MASON (V.O.) 梅森(原声)It's an act. One second. Then I let go.
梅森的inner monologue
TANK-TOP MAN 无袖衫男Then prove he's with you.
挑衅地说:你说是就是?证明给我们看啊!
MASON 梅森He's with me. 他跟我在一起。
宣示主权地说
MASON 梅森(low) (低)I've got you. 我来帮你。
将头靠近泰勒,抚慰地说
MASON 梅森What the hell is th—
震惊地说
Mason's breath catches in his throat as his gaze locks onto the demonic tail.
瞪大双眼
Tyler's hitched hoodie slips, exposing the glossy black heart-tipped tail flicking against his bare hip.
换一个场景:泰勒的风衣被翅膀撑开,尾巴趁此机会调皮地从风衣下钻了出来,露出了一小截
MASON 梅森Move! 快走!
不耐烦地说
His jaw locks hard.
眉头紧皱
Only the bartender stays clear-eyed. He leans against the counter, wiping a glass, enjoying the show.
改成女调酒师,好笑地欣赏这一幕
Tyler backs straight into the dead-end wooden corner of the bar. The more he panics, the more the tail wriggles. Its heart-shaped tip pokes out from under his hoodie hem, below the coat, flailing in the open air. Tyler stuffs it back down as surrounding men hoist glowing smartphones.
泰勒手忙脚乱地将尾巴的爱心尖塞了回去
PATRONS 赞助人To the guy in the hat!
掷地有声:致那位戴帽子的帅哥!
PATRON 3To the handsome guy in the hat!
欢呼!
PATRON 1 顾客 1Five-five-five, zero-one-four-two. 555,0142。PATRON 2Five-five-five, eight-eight-three-one. 555,8831。
太奇怪了,换成:帅哥,看我!我喜欢你!
TYLER 泰勒Get back! 退后!
改成:你不要这样!
TANK-TOP MAN 无袖衫男Forget kissing. I'd marry you.
激动且爱慕地说
the writhing tail through the coat and down into his waistband.
改成塞进了裤子里吧
Tyler perches stiffly on a bar stool, hat pulled low, wildly out of place among the laughing, dancing crowd.
这里要全是男人
The pink countdown hits 00:00:00.
嘀的一声
The tank-top man looks him up and down, amused.
转过头朝向泰勒,眼神向下扫了泰勒
Tyler stares into the beer, swallows hard, and turns.
转向第三视角,泰勒犹犹豫豫、鼓起勇气朝他转过身
On the next stool, a man in a tank top sips his drink.
泰勒视角
TYLER 泰勒Something... straight. 某种……直的东西。
脱口而出
BARTENDER 调酒师What can I get you?
女调酒师,随意地问泰勒
Hat low, trench coat closed, Tyler stops before the door. Pink and blue neon washes across his face. He takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.
字幕:一家gay吧
TYLER (V.O.) 泰勒(原声)One kiss. Some stranger. Mason never has to know.
振振有词的语气
Mason never has to know.
删掉这句,改成,不要想在亲男人,想象自己正在亲一块肉
He twists, scratches beneath his shirt, then recoils. His fingers find one raised bump, then a second.
衬衫突起一两个小凸块的轮廓
Tyler turns the phone face-down beside his knee.
发出烦躁的声音
Tyler sits on the floor beside his bed, scrolling his phone.
头顶上要有粉色发光的时间倒计时,最好是一小时左右
time: Day 3 evening 时间:第 3 天晚上
傍晚
Mason's shadow cuts across the plaza stones as he steps up behind Tyler, hands shoved in his pockets.
梅森略带疑惑的目光看着正在自言自语的泰勒
Nobody. Just... running lines. For a thing. I gotta go.
慌乱、紧张、却又欲盖弥彰地说
Tyler kicks the base, paces, and jabs a finger at the statue.
焦躁不安地
TYLER 泰勒Hey! Come out right now! Explain what the hell is going on!
恶狠狠地说
Tyler stands directly before the stone Cupid statue under the bright sun, glaring furiously at its carved face.
他头上随便设置一个正在倒计时的时间字幕
He thunks his forehead against the wall.
轻轻地撞了一下墙
TYLER (V.O.) 泰勒(原声)Every twenty-four hours...
迷茫且不确定地说
and reset.
重置到24:00:00
Y-yeah. Late. S-super late. Totally.
磕磕绊绊地说
It's, uh... it's getting late. I should... I'm gonna head back.
脸色泛粉,语气结巴地说
Tyler looks at the wall. Mason looks at the floor. Tyler looks at the lamp.
这几个动作要发生在几秒之内,体现出这两人的慌张无措
He looks at the ceiling.
欲盖弥彰似的咳嗽,脸颊泛粉
Mason jerks upright.
猛地直起身子
TYLER (V.O.) 泰勒(原声)My first kiss. Ever. And I just gave it to my best friend.
泰勒的inner monologue
A crack of thunder on the soundtrack.
不要惊雷,要是那种宣告爱情来了的配乐
MASON 梅森Hold still. I'm checking if you have a fever.
温柔,眉头轻皱
TYLER 泰勒D-don't stand so close. 别……别站得那么近。
结巴又心虚地说,眼神飘忽
GAY GOD (V.O.) “同志之神”(画外音)Kiss a man every twenty-four hours.
gay神没出现在画面,但响起了他的话
(softening) (软化)Whoa. You catch a cold or something?
温柔关切地朝着泰勒说
and shoves the heavy dorm door firmly shut behind him. T
去掉用力和沉重这些形容词
Tyler dives onto the mattress, hauling the heavy comforter over his bare chest, shirt ripped across the back, twitching black wings, and whipping heart-tipped tail an instant before the door swings open.
姿势错了,泰勒飞扑到了床上,将被子像背后先去,被子从泰勒的背后将跪坐着的他完完全全包裹着,形成了一个包
Tyler's dorm room
窗外蓝色月光加台灯暖光
two small black wings
a pair of small, delicate demon wings, bat-like structure, matte black bone frame, translucent smoky-glass membrane with an iridescent rose-purple sheen, fine veins glowing faint pink, backlit by soft warm light, elegant and cute rather than scary, fantasy creature design, high detail, soft cinematic lighting, dark background
A black tail grows behind him.
a slender, glossy black demon tail with a satin lacquer finish, ending in a plump heart-shaped tip, the heart tip has a soft gradient from black to rose pink with a gentle inner glow, graceful S-curve pose, tiny floating pink sparkles around the tip, fantasy prop design, studio lighting, shallow depth of field, high detail
MASON 梅森Tyler? You missed practice. You okay? I'm coming in.
关怀而又轻松地询问
What is happening to me?!
崩溃地叫喊
TYLER (V.O.) 泰勒(原声)...real. ……真实的。
直接说出来:搞什么?居然是真的?unbelievable!
TYLER (V.O.) 泰勒(原声)No one else saw him. None of it was...
这是泰勒的inner monologue
BROYou good, man? Why are you being so weird?
bro安慰关怀地看着泰勒
The guy in pink! All in pink!
激动地说
...What are you talking about?
bro摸了摸头,丈二和尚摸不着头脑
You saw that, right? The guy who was just standing there?
泰勒的语气应该是大惊小怪的
TYLER 泰勒Yeah, no. And if I don't?
这时候泰勒面部应该是本能地带着一丝可笑和恶心
GAY GOD “同志之神”Rules are simple, straight boy. Kiss a man every twenty-four hours.
gay神轻快地说
but keeps him beneath the timer.
但是那个闪光的粉色数字仍然盘旋在泰勒的头顶上
Tyler presses a hand over his heart.
泰勒弓着腰,手紧紧捂着胸口,惊魂不定
The Gay God releases. The arrow plunges straight into Tyler’s heart. Tyler staggers as glowing pink numbers ignite above him.
gay神放的箭并不是真正意义上的箭,充其量算一个箭影子,并且箭往泰勒心脏过去也只是象征意义上的虚影,像一道疾驰的光一样
Tyler lifts both hands, trapped among the frozen crowd.
泰勒仿佛被吓傻了
I'm seeing things. I'm seeing things.
慌张地,已经不受自己控制地说道
Tyler stumbles backward
泰勒仿佛见到鬼一般
Baby, that's two offenses.
gay神眼睛微眯,语气抑扬顿挫地说道
GAY GOD “同志之神”
居高临下,很mean地看着泰勒,生气地说
The Gay God rubs the bump on his head and advances one step. Tyler gives ground.
边皱着眉头叫着好疼
The Cupid statue’s eyes glow pink. The Gay God steps out in a pink sequined suit with no shirt, a thin gold chain, and a silk head scarf.
丘比特雕像全身泛着粉红色的光辉。gay神在光晕中从雕像中走了出来;他穿着粉色亮片西装,没系扣子,可以看到一部分裸露的胸膛,模特般地走来
Every student freezes.
每个学生,除了泰勒,动作都定格住了。
then drops into the trash.
随后这个罐子自由落地,掉进了垃圾桶里
Tyler throws the empty can over his shoulder.
泰勒翻了个白眼,随意地把喝完了的空罐子从肩后跑了出去
TYLER 泰勒Why can't they go kiss somewhere else? Nobody wants to watch that in public.
这里泰勒的语气应该是发自内心的不解和不屑,也会带疑惑。
Tyler’s scream carries into the daytime plaza and becomes ordinary crowd noise. A male couple kisses beside rainbow balloons and a large printed sign.
这里加上字幕:24小时前
ON THE STONE: Kian's locked phone lights up. Notification after notification from the party group chat stacks across the screen.
删掉这句
Kian wipes the water from his face and looks at him.
温柔地含笑注视他
They kiss underwater
沉浸式地舌吻着
UNDERWATER: Kian has his back against the pool wall. Mason holds his wrist.
他俩都半蹲着
JASON 杰森That's weird. I definitely heard a splash.
类似于好奇地嘟囔
Kian and Mason exchange a look. They're in trouble.
梅森瞪大眼睛,骂了一句粗口
They pull back inches apart, water dripping between their mouths.
分开时,两人的嘴唇还拉丝
He cups the back of Mason's neck and kisses him.
用力地深吻下去
Kian throws the phone straight into the pool.
眼睛都不带眨一下地随手将手机抛进了旁边的泳池
I'd really have nothing left.
带着哭腔
Kian turns back to him.
kian转过脸来面对面看着他
Because I like you. It has nothing to do with you.
语气颤抖且轻声地说
Kian is silent. 基安沉默不语。
低头沉默不语
Didn't you say we were only teacher and student? Didn't you say that night in the bathroom was your failure as a teacher?
急促且激动地说
Kian's hand is still stretched toward the phone. It stops midair, then slowly drops. He turns his face away and tilts his head back so Mason won't see his red eyes.
画面转移到第三视角,kian的手原本还伸向手机,但是在半空中挺住,随后垂下
INSERT: Mason asleep face-down on the sofa, a blanket over him. 插入镜头:梅森趴在沙发上睡着了,身上盖着一条毯子。INSERT: Mason slumped over the desk, chewing a pen cap, frowning at a problem. 插入:梅森趴在桌上,啃着笔帽,皱着眉头思考一道题。INSERT: His first quiz. A C-, with "Improving" written beside it in red ink. 插入:他的第一次测验。得了 C-,旁边用红笔写着“有进步”。INSERT: Mason at the edge of the basketball court, head down, tying his shoelaces. 插入镜头:梅森站在篮球场边,低着头系鞋带。INSERT: Tonight. Mason turning under the party lights, looking straight into the camera.
我觉得这里应该是手机屏幕的特写,梅森为主视角,手机屏幕外他一张张滑过,然后这些照片隔一秒轮到下一张
He snatches the phone. 他一把抢过手机。
上前一步
You're deleting it? 你要删掉它吗?
急吼吼地说
MASON 梅森It was just something I said. I never actually meant to...
脆弱而无力地狡辩
Kian keeps holding back, though his eyes have long since turned red.
画面给到kian的面部表情特写
KIANMean by what? “是什么意思?”
冷漠地说
MASON 梅森What the hell did you mean by that?
气冲冲地质问
Night, continuous, moments after Kian walks out
黄昏,蓝调时刻
the French doors
推开连接屋外的French doors
(sobering fast) (清醒的禁食)
结巴地说
Kian doesn't look at him.
反而转头看着杰森
MASON 梅森It's not what it looks like. Let me explain—
惊慌且急迫地说着
He takes a tissue from the table and, in front of everyone, carefully wipes his mouth clean. He balls it up and tosses it into the trash.
改成kian从裤兜里抽出了自己的手帕,擦干净嘴,把手帕扔进垃圾桶
Kian's expression slowly turns cold.
加上:变得阴贽,嘴角笑容消失
The last piece is gone
最后一块巧克力棒的部分被梅森吃去,没了,于是他们的嘴唇在瞬间轻轻触碰了一下,梅森还故意伸出了一点舌头舔kian的嘴巴
At one centimeter,
距离只剩一厘米,梅森和kian的嘴唇只差一丁点就触碰上了
ON SCREEN: 屏幕显示:
改成观众喊出来的形式
ON SCREEN: 屏幕显示:
这里改成观众喊出来报幕的形式
a chocolate stick
这个巧克力棒应该只有十厘米左右,很细
Kian and Mason step up to the table in front of a fruit platter.
加上一句:面对面站着
Two centimeters! 两厘米!
加上:说完,朝着梅森和Kian的方向用手揽了揽,轮到你俩了
Kian narrows his eyes. 基安眯起了眼睛。
kian看着梅森,微眯眼睛
Afraid of me, Teacher? 老师,你怕我吗?
挑衅的语气说着
Mason strolls over,
梅森慢悠悠朝Kian走过去,扬了扬眉毛
You can't say no!
用很搞怪地语气说出来的
JASON 杰森
欢快地说
The living room is packed. Guests sit in twos and threes on the sofas, others sprawl on the rug. Music pulses. Everyone is relaxed and loose.
多添加一些生日派对的细节描写
The weekend, night 时间:周末,晚上
这里应该是天光将暗未暗之时,黄昏蓝调时刻
One condition. No nightclubs.
加动作:收起练习纸的动作停了下来
MASON 梅森Jason's birthday party is this weekend.
轻快且略带询问地说
Kian steps out and closes the door behind him.
kian匆忙转身走了出去
his chest.
点明是梅森的胸
and then...
and then这里语调向上,做出那种不正经的效果
I'd spend the whole lecture staring at your face
这里是循循善诱的语气
and pushes up his glasses.
去掉眼镜
Kian's hand freezes on his.
改成kian的视线移到了桌下梅森的大腿处
(low) (低)
压低了嗓音
Mason sits at the mahogany desk with paper and pen, pretending to listen. Kian leans over him as usual and takes hold of his writing hand from behind.
这里画面上补充一句字幕吧:上课辅导中;然后梅森手指在转笔,侧面体现他的不专心
Don't forget to take your medicine.
随即像关切一个不听话调皮的晚辈那样轻轻摸了摸梅森的头,当然不过两秒就放下来了
Alone in the silence, his fists slam three times into the comforter, jarring the mattress.
然后喉间震出怒吼
The last trace of a smile leaves Kian's mouth.
改成kian原本偏离的眼神视线猛地朝梅森看过去,他的肩微微抖了一下
MASON (V.O.) 梅森(原声)
梅森的inner monologue
MASON (V.O.) 梅森(原声)
梅森的inner monologue
MASON 梅森
用无所谓、轻快的语气说道
He leans back against the headboard, hands behind his head.
摆出一个不在意,很放松的姿态。
Mason's heart clenches
加上神态:梅森的瞳孔猛地一缩
(flat) (平房)
语气不能是flat,前面一句kian要语气略带发抖地说,后面他坚定了自己的语气
dark circles shadowing his closed eyes.
这个黑眼圈也不能那么dark,最好是泛着乌青的淡阴影。
MASON (V.O.) 梅森(原声)
梅森失神地看着基安说道
He stops. 他停了下来。
我觉得这里要写成,基安原本直视着梅森的视线偏移了,像是在躲着梅森似的。
KIAN (V.O.) KIAN(画外音)
基安的inner monologue
Without his glasses
我的设定里,基安本来就不戴眼镜
On the nightstand, an unlabelled medicine vial sits beside a glass of water.
这里是梅森的视野转移
from his limp fingers
应该是毛巾挂在他苍白的手腕上
(muttering) (嘟囔着)
边闭眼仔细回想,边嘟囔
He touches his lips with his thumb
他无意识地抬手轻触嘴唇
MASON (V.O.) 梅森(原声)
这里要是梅森的Inner monologue
In Chloe's hand, her phone vibrates. The screen lights up: MARCUS. 克洛伊手里的手机震动了一下。屏幕亮了起来:马库斯。Ethan's eyes drop to it. 伊桑的目光落在了那上面。CLOSE ON CHLOE: her smile gone, staring at the name.
这个场景改成Chloe用崇拜、敬佩的眼神看着伊森,并且对他竖起大拇指,展现出甜美女孩又甜又可爱又崇拜的模样。
the empty cup still in his pocket.
这句话删掉
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森发出胜利者的笑容,但是骨子里根本没把Kevin这种蝼蚁放在眼里
ETHAN 伊桑
伊森冷漠地盯着Kevin。
He bends, snatches up a sheet, and grips it to rip it in half.
应该是紧握着这张纸,准备把它撕成两半
Kevin's empty cup remains jammed in Ethan's suit pocket.
这句删掉
the impact echoing across the live speakerphone as Kevin recoils.
这句在短剧中作用不大
Chloe's fingers unconsciously dig into Ethan's arm.
可以补一个伊森运筹帷幄的神态,他抬手拍了拍Chloe的手,似在安慰她
makeup employee flinches,
这位浓妆艳抹的员工
Deathly silence.
所有人的嘴巴吃惊地张开
LAWYER 律师
律师专业而不带感情地说
The office erupts in jeers. Every phone is up, every face waiting to watch the clown get crushed.
有人的脸上是好奇,有人是不屑,有人是幸灾乐祸
BASEBALL-CAP EMPLOYEE 戴棒球帽的员工
员工殷勤而谄媚地对凯文说,贼眉鼠眼
The young Miss
改成集团大小姐Chloe
Ethan looks down at the coffee dripping off his shoes.
伊森冷漠地看着