If you ask a man what job a woman would be good at, rarely would you get a response that highlights the fact that women can do any job
I disagree. Cite.
If you ask a man what job a woman would be good at, rarely would you get a response that highlights the fact that women can do any job
I disagree. Cite.
The true lack of empathy, and character shown by this man is not only an accurate representation of toxic masculinity in its own regard, but how men view women in the workforce.
I disagree. CIte.
it rears its ugly head
toxic masculinity is a concept, not an actual tangible thing with a head.
The effect of toxic masculinity on women has never occurred to me until I saw this ad campaign.
WHy are we talking about you now? What part of the outline does this fulfill?
Toxic masculinity has not only crippled countless generations of men across the world,
Like, literally put them in wheelchairs? Because people in wheelchairs would like to remind you that they are not a cautionary tale, they are not violent as a group, and they are not notably sexist.
When a son sees his father laugh at such atrocious acts, it the normalizes this behavior and instills the notion that touching women sexually without consent is harmless.
why?
In more recent years the traditional ties to misogyny and female exploitation have been all but erased from modern television and film.
I disagree. You still see the things that are widely acceptable. You just don't notice them, because they are widely acceptable.
Actions such as these were common in entertainment for years because the sexualization of women was and still is a reliable way to draw in male viewers
I disagree. Cite
disrespect
Why is it disrespectful? What if they are married? What if there is consent?
On this tv we see a snippet of a show where a man comes up behind a woman and squeezes her rear.
One of the most relevant clips we see in the commercial is a scene in which we see there are three young men sitting on a couch watching tv
I disagree. Relevant to what?
How do you think they will respond to adversity and other mild conflicts?
I don't know. Why don't you tell me. And then cite.
warrants
is an example of. warrants means merits.
To combat this false image of manhood, Gillette has created a commercial that features men navigating various situations in life
I would argue they created the commercial to sell razors.
Countless generations of men were subjected to viewing this in their adolescent years thus creating a stigma as to what a man should be, leading to them becoming the men they watched on tv
I disagree. CIte.
If characters touched a woman inappropriately there would be no negative repercussions to follow.
Because it wasn't inappropriate, no?
relations
Update vocab. I read this as "had a conversation with". The term "relations" in this sense is old fashioned and euphemistic.
The implantation of these images can be credited to the portrayal of men in early television and movies.
I strongly disagree. Cite.
The false impression of manhood that has infected the minds of men hasn’t just been a recent action
Lots of disease metaphor in this. You have to justify. Also, again, how do you know its false?
The pure focus and glorification of these aspects create a false image of what manhood truly is.
I need far more facts. WHat is toxic masculinity? How do we know its prevalent? How do we know its bad (besides the name)? And, actually, what is it the 'manhood truly is'?
Toxic masculinity can be defined as looking at manhood through a narrow looking glass
I don't think this is true.
toxic masculinity
You should tell me what toxic masculinity is.
Stop that’s gay.
In quotes. Also - how do you know?
2-92,
what happens at 93?
This is a mere example of a disease that has plagued men since the beginning of time and has gained relevance in last decade.
What is an example of a disease? Saying "stop that's gay"? I disagree this is a disease. Cholera is a disease. Also Touret's. This just sounds mean and homophobic...
Ironically, the actions that cause that response are never in fact gay and the person who does it isn’t in fact gay.
What in the world does this mean?
Those three words are often said by most men numerous times in their lives.
I strongly disagree. I don't think many men say this at all. In fact, 1.2 billion people live in China (wikipedia) and most do not speak English, so...
The way to fix the disadvantages that people face when the migrate to America is to institute policies to help immigrants overcome the barriers they face in terms of employment in America, which in turn will help to reduce their overall disadvantage in the country.
I disagree. Flesh this out.
they believe that they will have access to better job prospects, housing, and a quality of life if they come here.
I disagree.
America
the United States.
In addition to this, mental health concerns are often taboo in other cultures making these resources difficult to access.
Be super-critical of the way you are creating other cultures as the problem here. And imagining the US as being better...
Access to health care is an issue due to low rates of insurance coverage, and high cost of quality health care
Insurance is not a state-provided service in the US. And, while I'm here, legal services are not state provided, and mental health isn't either. You are describing a situation in which poor people cannot access goods and services on an open market.
Another issue that comes from immigrants only being able to earn low wages, is that they have trouble accessing state-provided services, and other services.
Nope. Disproportionate, yes. Only, no.
However, this often leads to a crowded home environment that does not allow for comfortable living, studying, or sleeping.
I disagree with this.
American
U.S.
Safe and affordable housing is often times expensive, meaning that immigrants who are in low paying jobs often cannot afford to live in these places
I get what you are trying to say here, but you are saying something different. Just because you are in a low paying job does not mean you cannot afford something expensive. It does, however, make it less likely you will be able to afford it.
immigrants on average only make 681
does this include estimates for the undocumented?
use these skills
...in their jobs
who knows what they do at home?
house-keepers
housekeeping or construction work -- you are exemplifiying the jobs, not the workers.
America
THE UNITED STATES
is
are
labor
are all jobs not labor jobs?
The implicit bias
wHAT DOES THIS MEAN IN THIS CONTEXT?
caps lock...
That is not the case however for many, in America in particular many skilled workers come here and are unable to speak the language, or their certifications are not understood, and therefore they are unable to find jobs in their profession
I find this sentence very difficult to follow.
the language
What language would that be?
America
For the love, please use U.S. or United States unless you mean the whole continent.
they all have in common the idea that when they arrive they will have a better life
Your "they" gets mixed up here. Re-read it, you'll see.
To escape conflict, poverty, persecution, to find better opportunities, and reunite families.
"To escape conflict, poverty or persecution. To find better opportunities. To reunite families."
These are all fragments (as is the original), but I think it works.
A potential solution to these struggles is to make migration policy more accessible so that families are able to migrate together and remain intact.
Leave this off, it comes from nowhere
Because the future returns on a local education are so low, many youth decide to drop out of school and instead, begin earning an income.
Is this necessarily bad?
bare
bear
This study suggests that migrant workers and their spouses are more likely to engage in high-risk sexual behavior than non-migrant workers and their spouses (Sevoyan, Agadjanian).
Perhaps
The impact of remittances on education is especially significant for young girls in third world countries, who are disproportionately kept out of school compared to their male counterparts. Additionally, remittances can improve the general health of families by improving health care, sanitation, nutrition.
Cite this, and please not the same person. This kind of reads like a book report at present.
(DéMurger).
There needs to be a greater variety of sources
Despite the advantages of male-out migration, the process significantly disadvantages those left behind, who experience financial struggles, disrupted family lives, and increased burdens.
cite
Male-out migration
Male out-migration
In particular, male-out migration to the United States has been a prominent phenomenon over the past 20 years (McEvoy).
from where? And prominent is not quite the right word here...
male-out migration
typo
popular
common, not popular
below them
what does this mean?
After the ‘end’ of lynching, it began to be commonplace for police to use excessive force against blacks, and they continued to be brutalized and killed by whites in general.
cite
This is the start of what throughout the years has become police brutality against blacks.
Cite. Also - police brutality is usually dated to fugitive slave patrols rather than KKK.
Following the end of slavery, lynching became a violence used against blacks because they were still seen as less and this was a way to keep whites in control.
cite. less than what? also... uing "blacks" and "whites" is very essentialist. Try "Black people" or "White people", that way its an adjective describing the essential identity of person. Hope that makes sense!
Jordan Ross was a 15-year old freshman at Mesquite High School, in Balch Springs, Texas. He had two parents, lived in a nice suburb, was a straight A student, and an athlete. He was someone you would never expect to be shot by a police officer (Criss, 2017). On a Saturday night, the high school teen was at a house party with his friends when the police arrived, the party guests all left. Jordan, his two brothers, and two friends got into a car driven by the oldest brother, who was only 16. The car was driving away from the party when a police officer fired a shot from his rifle into the car, hitting Jordan Ross in the head and killing him. All of the teens were unarmed high school students without criminal records, attending a house party as teenagers across America do every weekend. It is clear that the level of police brutality against blacks is serious issue, when they decide a 15-year old is dangerous enough to be shot. This story can’t be excused as many are because the victim was violent, or had a criminal record, or had provoked the officer (Criss, 2017). Jordan was unarmed and innocent, and he was killed. This is just one story of hundreds in recent years of unarmed black teens and adults, men and women, being victims of police brutality. Particularly, the shooting by police of unarmed African Americans has put police brutality back into the spotlight through movements such as Black Lives Matter. However, this issue is far from recent, government enforced violence against blacks has a long history in America (Nodjimbadem, 2017), through lynching’s in the past, to these modern-day killings, this problem is far from new, and even farther from being solved
This is a very compelling introduction
No longer should westerns outsource or abandon their conscious, but the blinders of meritocracy begin continentally and must change there before global injustice like the Rana Plaza disaster to cease.
Wow. I didn't see this end coming. That is a problem.
Re-organize so this is tighter and do what the annotator said.
Opportunity exists for this upward rise in the regulation of fair working conditions if Westerners look beyond their idea of pre-existing meritocracy.
This essay needs to be more tightly organized. I challenge you to subtitle each paragraph and see if the outline holds together.
meritocracy
yes, I agree with the annotator that you need to define meritocracy, define it as a myth, and explicate that you are building you argument on the collective blindness to the myth.
Man
Man? What man?
is
are
While the bottom 40% of Americans want to see the gap bridged between them and the 1%, those at the top have a lot of power and do not want to see their wealth cut by a tax plan. These wealthy households can afford to pay their taxes on the previous rate of 39.5%, but because of the power of the wealthy, the rich get a tax cut along with the people who are living paycheck to paycheck. “Wealth can be seen as a “resource” that is very useful in exercising power. That’s obvious when we think of donations to political parties, payments to lobbyists, and grants to experts who are employed to think up new policies beneficial to the wealthy” (Domhoff). Without the cooperation of the top 1% of earners, it will be hard to dig out of the hole that is income inequality. With no redistribution of the wealth in the 1%, the wealthy will continue to hold a disproportionately high percentage of the money in the US. Unless the supply-side economic model works wonders in the coming years, the US will have to try looking at other ways to spin the tax reform policies in order to close the very wide gap between the rich and the poor
In this essay overall, I have so many things, and so few citations for them
Works Cited Page
I have nothing to say beyond what your annotator already said. These comments are very good, and very comprehensive
Without real, structural change in the form of some sort of redistribution, it is inconceivable that Black wealth will ever be on par with White wealth, or that inequality as a whole will ever narrow.
This needs to double down on the credit theme, not take us on a separate branch. This is the last paragraph, after all.
If the argument for the maintaining of this status quo is that credit is a driver of mobility
good clarifying clause here, greatly improves the flow of the argument.
Inequality of Opportunity following Incarceration
This essay is marginally improved, but still suffers from some pretty significant organizational issues. It will be greatly improved by making an outline, and cutting and pasting into it, so the meandering is reduced.
precarious
wrong word
Thus, when people are born into financial instability, unemployment, and sometimes volatile family life, each of which is associated with poverty, young people are more prone to become involved in illegal activity.
Right now, this is the opposite of what you have been saying. Tease it out to be more in line with your argument thusfar.
appalling
what does this mean?
Certain elements
Explicate. What "certain elements" are you speaking of?
*I have Chicago-style citations in my essay, they just will not show up on WordPress. If this is a problem, I can distribute a written copy?
Change to in text citations before final paper. Period.
Change needs to be made to drastically decrease the numbers of people in this region suffering from chronic illness, poverty, lack of education, and lack of access to basic healthcare.
This is the natural last sentence.
in Appalachia
among Appalachians.
This means that before the government or NGOs start programs and interventions in the area they need to measure how the people in this region view their health.
I disagree. Anyway, make the leap from the prior sentence (which should be cited) more clear.
One of t
You can tell you were far afield because this transition was problematic.
This program works to create local prevention and control activities, educates community leaders on national diabetes prevention programs, and encourages collaborations between health centers in this region.
You are straying somewhat from your thesis
(years of potential life lost)
just say one or the other
These people, because they do not have access to medical care, often do not have access to the necessary health education
How does this follow?
L
new paragraph
Appalachia has long been known as one of the most economically depressed areas in the US, and this is showing in gap of the health outcomes between this region and the rest of the country.
good transition, but cite.
In America as a whole, socioeconomic status has a huge impact on your access to healthcare, as well as the quality of your healthcare.
one's healthcare, there is no 'you' in the third person. Also - cite.
This area is a prime example of the inequality in healthcare that we see around America between rural and urban areas. This inequality is caused by a number of factors such as income level, geographic isolation, and poor health educ
Cite this. I don't know this.
420 countries across 13 states
How does this describe the region in a meaningful way.
Until the ways of talking about and embodying gender are changed from childhood onwards, women will continue to be hurt physically and emotionally and troubling male and female stereotypes will persist.
Re-work this sentence, its difficult to follow. Good that you come back to the thesis though.
When considering the patriarchal culture of American society, it is almost impossible to imagine an environment in which sexual harassment would not occur. This is not meant to minimize the “MeToo” movement in any way, or excuse sexual harassment, but instead to emphasize the extent to which gender inequality is not simply an issue that starts and ends in the workplace
Rather than saying then pulling back, mitigate the first statement so you can just make it.
The gendered dynamics in leadership positions are often cited in #MeToo accounts.
This is well-organized
It is naive to think that the attitudes of male superiority affixed in college simply disappear once these men and women enter the adult workforce
I love this sentence.
Besides the well-known gender stereotypes of girls “as being kind, gentle, passive, sensitive, and well-behaved relative to boys,”[3] young girls also undergo sexualization pressure.[4] S
Excellent use of citations. Thank you.
Gender inequality is characterized by a cycle, in which the manifestations of gender inequality perpetuate it.
Re-work this sentence so it makes more sense.
debate
not quite the right word.
No longer should westerns outsource or abandonment their conscious, but the blinders of meritocracy begin continentally and must change their before we can affect global injustice.
You never really fleshed out this idea of meritocracy, make it a recurring point that you consistently come back to.
Then, Individuals like Priety, who rather than being trapped in the cycle of poverty due to unfair wages, could grow the economy by starting her dream of owning a tailoring business to slowly build it up the individual’s agency in their own economy until their opportunity equals ours.
Re-work this sentence so it makes more sense.
The lack of change begins with the fast fashion retailers. Brands know they have this tacit will of the people as “one senior executive at a big European high street brand [said] ‘but if a consumer buys a pair of jeans at $9.99 what are you really expecting the working conditions of those who made it or even just the environment where they live?”
Getting repetitive here. Make each point thoroughly. Once.
instatement
I think its enstatement, but bettween to say something else entirely.
Dr. Sheng Lu, Professor in the Department of Fashion & Apparel Studies at the University of Delaware,
just cite. no bio.
society
which society?
Some may argue though that without our consumerism has bolstered
Good here, a "to be sure" paragraph
As the article states “People started to die but the garment industry continued unabated”, all this fueled by our consumerist tendencies.
I think you are oversimplifying here. This needs to be fleshed out and justified.
Germanys and France at 70 percent (Geewax). as it goes onto describe the power that the ability of monetary prosperity in the West to outsource its conscious, in similar way to
This is split here, and there are no apostrophes for the possessive. Fix.
The difference between stitching “120 trousers an hours, 10 hours a day” and the job of a middle class American doesn’t matter or seems like a nuance to Americans who, “attribute their position to their brilliance and diligence, rather than to luck or a rigged system” (Reeves).
This is so good here.
Meritocracy enables inequality at home, which extends to our treatment of those living in foreign nations.
Oooh, this is interesting.
The collapse of Rana Plaza, one of the countless textile factories in Bangladesh resulted in direct neglect of cultural conscious, enabled by the incorrect investment of western ideology into he idea of meritocracy.
Re-work this so I understand what you are saying.
meaningless
This is a strange word for here.
Rows of anonymous dead bodies lie side by side, each covered in colorful cloth to provide some dignity in the last earthly moments, a line of near grieving family members looking at face after face to determine whether to finally let loose the “sea of tears” welling within them
This is super vivid. Keep this.
Unless the supply-side economic model works wonders in the coming years, the US will have to try looking at other ways to spin the tax reform policies in order to close the very wide gap between the rich and the poor.
Clean ending
While the current tax reform may provide a slight, temporary relief that will be felt among lower-earning Americans, the supply-side argument will be hard to support as the government debt rises.
Cite.
despite their small tax break, to make a difference with a worse education and an unhealthier
Re-do statement so that this is clearer
powerful
smaller?
It did, however, help to end the recession in the mid-1980’s.
This is, like, a SUPER contentious statement. Cite.
first-world
Nope. Try "high income" or "OECD" the term third world comes with A LOT of baggage.
While many people associate tax cuts with Reagan’s trickle-down economics
I disagree
However, to delve into the social and Congressional debate of tax reform, the stark income inequality of America must be considered
Take out all direct speech to the reader that breaks the fourth wall. Re-work sentence so you are not speaking to me directly.
Global Inequality
This needs an outline. Right now, it meanders between 3 distinct arguments and voices.
Consumers in the United States and other western countries have the luxury of being able to buy extremely cheap clothing at the cost of mistreated workers in other countries. These workers do not have the same privilege of protective labor laws. That problem may seem distant to consumers, but the fact that workers in New York had to endure the same difficulties means that this problem is much closer to home. Clothing companies need to be required to b
NOW I'm back to the thesis of the overall piece.
Upon reading about the collapse of the textile factory in Rana Plaza, I immediately thought of a similar event in US history: the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. An accident occurred in a poorly built textile factory, which caused many workers to die unnecessarily. The Trian
This needs an outline - badly. At present, we are holding hands walking through a meadow together, touring.
In this increasingly globalized world, consumers often have no idea what happens to the products they buy before it reaches a store
This is your thesis. It took too long, though. You can delete the second paragraph, maybe adding one of it's sentences to the first (lede) paragraph.
Last week, I stood in Forever 21, picking out clothes to wear to the various eating house events. I wasn’t looking for quality clothes, so I ventured over to the $5 or less section.
I love this start. Compelling. Interesting.
You will need a thesis in the next paragraph, though.
Race-based differences in individual treatment are some of the most difficult challenges in American society today, and are particularly apparent in criminal justice. Racial disparity in the criminal justice system challenges the foundation that our criminal justice system is based of off. A system that was supposed to be fair, effective and just. The perception of unwarranted racial disparities reduces the public’s confidence in the legal system, which will in turn affect public safety outcomes. Criminal justice practitioners cannot eliminate all disparities from the system alone, but need to work diligently to improve the fairness of the system.
I never really got here with you.
The inequality in our justice system is disgraceful.
I want you to be less normative. All the facts. Just the facts. Especially in the middle of the essay.
Black americans and Hispanics are more likely to have their cars searched than white americans.
So what?
There is much evidence to support racial inequality in the United States
Re-think this sentence.
This is evidentiary racial inequality, and a major issue in contemporary society
I don't understand what this means.
One particular aspect of inequality in the justice systems revolves around drugs
Be careful.
Racial inequality is very existent in today’s criminal justice system. In contemporary society, one of the most distinguished forms of protest relate to the United States justice system, particularly relating its treatment to minorities. The most prominent example is the justice system’s treatment to African Americans and Hispanics. The racial disparity in United States Prisons is evidence of racial inequality.
You need to be careful about prepositions and the like.
distinguished
distinctive
In management and coaching, you often find a high ratio of men when compared to women. Yoou can find me coaching women, but very rarely ever find a woman coaching men. Even though there are women who hold positions in sports administration, the usually hold lower positions than men who generally hold the management positions
Why is this paragraph here? This ended last paragraph.
I sincerely hope that this gender discrimination will be curbed
FIrst person?
which is debatably the world most famous sport
No.
According to her, the decision to have women play only three sets compared to their counterparts who play five stemmed from a case where a female tennis player.
Not a sentence.
However, sports are seen as a pastime, created for men in the world
I disagree. Cite or delete.
Commonly men are strong, daring, and aggressive, as compared to women who are usually gentle, sensitive and sympathetic
I disagree. Cite or delete.
It is time that this society joins forces to fight for a work environment in which everyone is in an equal standing.
Good!
Women are not seen as equals in the workplace.
back this up
less
fewer
numbers
rates
Female leaders might be more willing to have everyone earn what they deserve, despite their gender, since they themselves have gone through this unfairness.
This follows. I disagree vehemently, but it follows.
less
fewer
Leadership positions for women in big companies are scarce
Explicate the causation here.
The United States, and every other country, should follow this policy because as mentioned, equal economic incentive would generate economic growth.
SHouldn't we all wait to see whether it actually works? Also -is there a gender gap now? Also - what prompted them to do this?
As people voice their positions regarding the pay gap, governments have to contribute with the necessary policy changes.
I disagree
This hypocrisy cannot be tolerated in the fight for pay gap elimination.
Is this the only way to read this? Also - soften this language.
With lack of economic incentive for women, talent is being wasted, and opportunity of progress is being tossed. Right now, many women feel discouraged because they know that no matter what they do, they will not get the same reward.
Cite!
However, when they all joined forces and spoke up, they were unstoppable, and the same thing could happen for the pay gap disparity.
These two dynamics are intertwined in a way you do not attend to. You must do so if this is to work.
To fix the pay gap, it is not enough for women to focus on education. T
Who was talking about education?
The American Association of University Women indicated that at any level of a woman’s academic achievement, there is a man who is paid more for the same amount of education
cite.
Such inequality might seem minimum if focusing on the .20 cent difference, but it represents profit worth thousands of dollars less annually.
This sentence doesn't work.
Women still have to work twice as hard to earn much less than men.
well, they have to work 25% more than men, given what you just said. Fix this. The paragraph, not the gap.
At this time in which national news is listening to women’s voices and their experiences in the workplace, it is imperative that all the disparities that women are exposed to daily become part of the narrative.
Good thesis
unraveled
wrong word.
October, 2017. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was accused of multiple sexual assault cases
Good beginning
To decrease the toxicity of gender roles, both sides need to be discussed, and the expectation of masculinity needs to addressed.
I at least like that you ended where you started. Good.
it can be concluded that masculinity is not a healthy standard to hold males to
I don't think you've shown that.
Overall, this can destroy males’ emotional health.
I disagree.
sissy, pussy, or bitch.
I'm pretty sure you are looking for an excuse to scandalize the reader. THere is no lead in to vulgarity, no come down, and no reason for it to be here. This may have been fun in high school, but we're adults now.
Try: "Words can be utilized to demean boys." See?
Sex becomes a game rather than intimacy between two people
"Hyper" sexual means "very" sexual. Why is it followed by an equivalency to a normative statement?
Add in the likelihood to
Change this so you are not speaking to the audience as though outside of the essay.
More so, men of color are targeted because of the criminal stereotype of their skin color, but that is another argument in itself that requires further background explanation besides the statement given.
Never talk directly to the reader or break the fourth wall.
Newsom, Jennifer S, director. The Mask You Live In
Read. Read. Read. Kimmel. Jackson. Connell. Read.
When in reality, they are degrading themselves and others by allowing masculinity to control their character.
Please clean this up.
screwing women
Absolutely not. Never ever ever ever. Nope.
commonplace
word choice
Football is a prime example of how sports reflect hypermasculinity.
"prime example" is grammatically incorrect and overly cliche
it is not the same standard women are put to,
re-work this.
Physicality is an important aspect of male socialization; and physical strength determines some degree of success. Males are expected to reach a physical standard that can be difficult to obtain without time and monetary commitment. Regardless, it is not the same standard women are put to, but the way men’s bodies are sexualized in media maintains the pressure to be physically fit—affirming masculinity’s role.
I don't believe you.
Self-esteem plays a large role in how we see ourselves, and low self-esteem can lead to depression or other mental and emotional problems. Within the concept of masculinity, there are multiple ideals of success: economic, physical, and emotional. The degree to which success is accomplished determines a man’s place in the hierarchy of masculinity.
I disagree.
When a man is not deemed successful through the eyes of masculinity, their self-worth is hindered
First part singular, second part plural.
Masculinity is the prime way society defines what a man should be—tough, strong, abrasive, aggressive, successful.
This is tautological, yes. But, like all tautologies, it says nothing. "Masculinity is characterized by..."
When it comes to the opposing roles, a new wave of thought supports the idea of encouraging women to break their common gender roles. This wave is practical since women have remained oppressed for millennia, but men are removed from the conversation. Excluding half of the problem will not lead to a solution. As roles are shifting, a difference needs to be made about men’s expectations in their gender roles too. Because of gender roles, men feel obligated to stick to their stereotypes. It is time to acknowledge how unhealthy it is to foster toxic environments where boys are expected to maintain masculine standards.
This whole essay needs to be tightened up. Say clearly what you intend, be specific, and cite it.
It is time to acknowledge how unhealthy it is to foster toxic environments where boys are expected to maintain masculine standards.
I don't know what this means.
Excluding half of the problem will not lead to a solution.
It could.
This wave is practical since women have remained oppressed for millennia, but men are removed from the conversation
Cite.
Stereotypical expectations for males consist of being strong, non-emotional, or aggressive. For females, expectations entail being weak, emotional, or submissive.
I disagree.
they are anticipated to maintain the expectations held to them in that role
way too passive
When defining someone’s gender, there are two separate social groups: male and female
man and woman are gender, male and female are sex.
cite and this wouldn't have happened.
Without real, structural change, it is inconceivable that Black wealth will ever be on par with White wealth, as inequality only grows
This ended someplace completely different than I thought it would. It should end exactly where I think it should -- at a return to the thesis.
Reparations is a term that encompasses a multitude of policies that put money into the pockets of black Americans as recompense for their historical subjugation
This is a terrible definition. Do better, and cite.
The only real way to make real steps towards fixing the systemic issues is to create race-conscious policy for the purpose of building black wealth
cite or, "I argue that..."
Because of its role as both a metric of and factor in social-financial standing, credit becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, and when the process is stained by the legacy and present fact of systemic racism, this prophecy severely injures black people
this is great. Better as two sentences.
Black people in the United States have an average income of about half that of white people
Is this Oliver, too? Because its usually quoted at about 70% for income racial gap
Secondary, less institutionalized lenders then take advantage of the poor, with payday lenders and similar firms charging triple digit interest rates for funds used for emergencies. This steep price to pay often traps people in a vicious cycle of debt, with dependence on credit and debt holdings rising in concert, utterly wiping out any wealth accumulation as people in growing debt lose the assets they have (Melzer, 2011). The bottom 95% has more than double the debt-to-income ratio of the top 5%, making clear the progression from income inequality to debt inequality to wealth inequality, there
This is starting to get clearer. That's nice.
Instead, it is a function of existing economic liberalism, preserving race, gender, and class dynamics as inequality grows (Calder, 2002).
It was so hard to find this thesis. I can't even tell you.
live beyond their means.
loaded term.
In this way, the credit system actively punishes those who could get the most utility out of credit while aiding the wealthy, driving inequality.
This does not follow.
This means that wealthy people who can afford to go into small amounts of debt are doubly rewarded because of their wealth as the poor must choose between a good credit score and stable finances as people live paycheck to paycheck, unable to pay off chronic debt (Hodson, 2014).
This sounds like an excellent measure of financial stability, even if it is mean.
First, it is important to note that a person’s credit score is determined by factors that point more to how profitable a person’s spending and payment patterns are to financial institutions rather than an actual measure of financial stability.
I don't believe you. CIte.
predates
"preys"
The story of credit in the contemporary sense must be placed into historical context. Although credit existed on small scales prior to this moment, the credit market was deregulated in 1917 as usury laws limiting interest rates to levels below profitable levels were repealed. Over the next decades, credit took root in American society, with the mortgage being introduced in response to the Great Depression. The post-World War II expansion was coupled with the rise and normalization of credit as an accompaniment and replacement to fiat currency. These systems financed massive growth and prompted major crashes (Calder, 2002). Despite credit’s usefulness as an engine of growth, it has not become a major driver of social mobility. Instead, it is a function of existing economic liberalism, preserving race, gender, and class dynamics as inequality grows (Calder, 2002).
Starting an essay with a history lesson is almost always a mistake. I understand that, when you don't know where to start, creating a chronology and starting at the beginning is tempting. Resist.
Trust is an inherently subjective force, but when it is institutionalized and infected with prejudice, what was first a passive judgment is now an active weapon.
What in the world does this mean?
Also, allowing for judges to assess situations case by case, instead of forcing them to sentence civilians based upon a formula
I disagree. Also, the evidence is not presented in your essay.
Shifting funding away from prisons and towards rehabilitation programs or mental health institutes is likely one of the most important steps this country must take in an effort to eradicate inequality.
I disagree. Nothing in your essay speaks to this. And its almost certainly not true. So...
For the rest of these men’s entire lives, the period in which they were serving time prevented normal economic advancement. Incarceration affects everyone, and this is continually represented in Western’s study: among all men in the experiment, the level of wage growth was reduced by 30% as opposed to a man with the same level of education who had never been convicted. However, Western also discovered that wage inequality is almost twice as large for people of color.
I am beginning to have real trouble following this argument. You need to make an OUTLINE before re-submitting this, cut and paste into it, making sure that everything is in a coherent place.
African American
When an adjective, its "African-American" When a noun, there is no hyphen