These diseases were practically gone.
Say more. More commentary—paragraph is too proportionally not your writing.
These diseases were practically gone.
Say more. More commentary—paragraph is too proportionally not your writing.
others
others).
Due to anti-vaxxer activity in the Midwest of the United States
some data on this regional statistic would provide more credibility here
Recently, the anti-vaxxer movement has been controversial in the news media.
Some missing opportunity for more, cited, context.
This can be an extremely powerful tool when it comes to discussing health problems such as diseases and conditions.
Took a long time to get here. Make sure from the jump that you establish this as your anchoring focus.
According to Brian Clark of Insider for The Next Web, “A recent study by Stanford University revealed the vast majority of Reddit’s conflicts originate in just one percent of its communities. Subreddits, as they’re known on the site, are category-specific groups that steer the conversation around a central topic or theme. And most are relatively tame. These are the groups responsible for thoughtful discourse and mostly respectful debate, the behavior that keeps most users engaged and active on the site,”
This quote is long and could partially be paraphrased. And you haven't really responded to it, though it has the potential to add a lot of depth to your own commentary.
scalate arguments to new heights which cannot be described as anything but thoughtful discourse
can't follow
A negative aspect with any technology is that a part of humanity will always try and use it with malicious intent.
This is an enormous statement to make in this paper without support or nuance.
internet trolls
explain
people will take advantage
What do you mean by this? Instead of people, say "users" to be more specific.
to the free nature
What do you mean by "the free nature"? Many things are free but don't necessary create the same environment.
cesspool however
explain—offer more or a clearer lead-in to your quote if you use it
“If you spend a lot of time online, chances are you’ve heard of Reddit. The site bills itself as the “front page of the internet,” and that’s not an empty boast: As of this writing, Reddit is the fifth most popular site in the United States, according to Alexa, and the 18th worldwide. So what exactly is Reddit? Essentially, it’s a massive collection of forums, where people can share news and content or comment on other people’s posts,”
quote is too long for paper
William Nicol
needs context
As described by DigitalTrends,
you could cite this in parenthetical instead of interrupting your flow here
Facebook is known for being a platform where it easy to connect to other people, friends, family, and people belonging to several communities. Facebook allows users to make posts, post pictures/videos, share personal information, follow pages and interests, as well as, like and comment on everything, and in recent years have added features such as live streaming, sending money, video chatting, stories, phone calls, selling, and even fundraising. Instagram is popular platform known for the use of posting pictures, private messaging, liking, commenting, and have recently introduced stories and live streaming. Snapchat is basically all stories and chats, and Youtube is stories, videos, commenting, and Twitter is for updating followers and the President, etc. While these are what we commonly associate as social media, and what many decide to constantly critique, there many other platforms as well as benefits which are not realized by the masses.
This passage reads too much like a promotional list than a clear relation to a critical, research-based inquiry.
, etc.
Avoid "etc." in academic writing. Just close off the list with "and" or 'or," depending on context.
Social media is in essence
Social media in essence
Social media and technological advancements have provided for great benefits to the health of our society and to the overall health of individuals world wide.
How could you make a more specific organizing claim?
however, immediately
but may
really
cut
you
Aim to avoid the proverbial "you" in this paper. Ask when you do, who you actually mean when you write "you."
The year is 2019, well into the twenty-first century, where we live in an age that can be described as modern and advanced. Our lived have been enriched by all sorts of new technologies in all aspects such as education, agriculture, medicine, conducting business, and just our daily lives.
Shoot to open with something more specific here.
possibility of association with infamous people and groups
could you also discuss an example?
implications
some information by-the-numbers would be interesting in your paper both about the economic benefits and the costs of viral marketing
‘Selfies on iPhone X’ which related to people during isolated times
could you say a little more about this?
Avengers infinity war
Infinity War
either through discussions, sharing
can't follow phrase as written
Blair Witch Project
italicize
viral
source?
One tool that can be used by content makers to determine the potential to go viral is Millward Brown LinkTM solution. This tool has been used
Millward Brown LinkTM solution has been used...
Moreover, there are tools that can be used to measure
Moreover, tools can measure
Through this simple surprise, the video made a break in the platform and even spilt on Facebook.
could you add some additional context and commentary on this example, relating back to your point?
Contrasting negative and positive emotions are specifically useful in increasing the number of shares video gets.
source? and example?
Among the top ten most desired emotions that prompt the necessity for sharing among users of social media include amusement, interest, surprise, happiness, joy, hope, delight, pleasure, affection and excitement
Why is it important to know this list? In what way could you use this information to make a more salient, specific point?
This explains the virality of the video, Chewbacca Mom which holds the record of being the most shared on Facebook.
How so? You have not explained this or provided context for your comment.
found
use present tense throughout when talking about authors' writings and what's in a text
Funk
Check citation. I don't think you mean "more funk"
Southgate et al., (349).
check citation
Just like the social media platforms where they are shared, viral pictures, videos, messages and other media are often interruptive.
This paragraph is working well. It explores on specific, core issue with some dialogue with secondary reading inside.
The ability of content to rapidly gather traction and be shared widely multiple times is the bases of viral business and marketing.
You've already said this in the paper.
relevance
relevance or positive emotion?
Phelps et al.
place in parenthesis
mainly using email
Why mainly using email? I thought social media was a predominant methodology? So perhaps this author is talking specifically about viral content spreading by email, but that doesn't mean that viral content is mainly spread by email in a general sense.
hose who pass email messages along making them viral
I don't understand what you're saying here.
journal of advertising research
needs title case and italics
two-focus point, the show and the concealed
Though you explain what you mean in subsequent sentences, your phrase here is very unclear as it is written.
utilizes
utilize
The quality of being viral is, therefore, the bases of virality as a given item or piece of information requires to be popularized by progressive sharing through the internet and especially in social media
Can't follow this sentence.
Virality
?
irality is the tendency of a piece of information, image or a video to be rapidly shared among users of the internet by person to person circulation without the quality being affected
you essentially already said this in the previous paragraph
intended
Can't follow this thesis statement. Need to write to a more specific topic/claim here.
it
what is "it"?
are considered
what do you mean by "are considered"?
spread first
spread first as opposed to or compared to what? what's second?
products
Lacking parenthetical citation for the source you used in this sentence.
gives in to this viral culture
well said
False Prophets
"False Prophets"
The scene is demonstrating that sometimes people are so focused on virality and online approval or attention that they fail to realize that this acceptance and appreciation is already present in real life.
This is a great observation.
As the audience, we didn’t even know that Kayla was at the dinner table with her father in the first place. All of the attention is on the phone until her dad interrupts
Could you explain more how the filmmaking/composition creates this effect?
as an artist in terms of fame, but also how in the end he did not let it impact his authenticity. My second cultural artifact is the dinner table scene from the movie Eighth
Needs more transition. Build a bridge between the two works, and then move into the second as another example of (bridge). Then you can say something that dives deeper from the start and seems less forced than "my second example is." Finally, you want to communicate with folks who haven't seen this film—so "the dinner table scene" doesn't really work for those readers.
In this particular scene,
set up the scene a little more with narrative context from the film that leads up to it
There are even slang terms that were developed for this exact purpose: “flex”, “drip”, “ice”, etc.
could you explain a little more?
The controversy that arises from these J. Cole songs brings attention to him, whether positive or negative.
You're making a good point but think you need something that digs deeper to sum it up—this ends rather flatly.
portrays his opposition towards viral culture.
please explain
Kanye West
how do you know? what context clues or tropes exist that allude to Kanye in the song?
rapper (J. Cole)
again, distance: the narrator mentions
He feels
Don't talk about what the author was thinking or feeling, but what the song suggests, implies, offers, etc. or use "the protagonist" or "the narrator"—give some distance between Drake and the song's protagonist/narrator (as you would a poem)
Justifying that half-ass shit he dropped, we always buy it.
when you are quoting a song (or poem) use a slash "/" to indicate a line break
The purpose of this may have been to make sure nothing interfered with the message that the rapper was trying to put out, or possibly to prove a point about his music that he doesn’t have to create music a certain way in order to receive appreciation from his fans.
This feels like a pretty loose connection. What about what's going on in the music. What's the effect of this simple take on the song and subject matter? Does it complement the point you're arguing of the song?
however I will be focusing on a rap song called False Prophets by J. Cole, and a scene from the film Eighth Grade.
What about them? missing a centralizing claim about them.
Throughout each generation, there are defining characteristics that are present within that time period. In modern day, social media dominates many of our lives and plays a significant role in society altogether. As a result, there is a higher involvement and interest in other people’s lives, as well as an increased emphasis on self-expression, people’s reactions, and popularity. This contributes to viral culture.
This is a very vague intro. How could you jump right into the substance of the paper's content?
In conclusion, these two cultural pieces address the topic of civil unrest, with relation to structural sexism and racism, through two different lenses. The “We the People” illustration comes from the peaceful and inclusive Martin Luther King school of thought when it comes to resisting systemic oppression. On the other hand, “Fight the Power”, comes from the proud, militant Malcolm X school of thought. They are a good representation of the current zeitgeist of our era, in which the topics of racial and gender inequality, islamophobia, and Trump are prominent discourses in society. It is even more of a representation of our era when it is noted that these issues cause people to take social action.
Too much repetition. The conclusion should conclude—not just repeat the introduction. It should provide food for thought, extend the conversation, and hammer home why talking about this stuff matters.
These two art pieces work in tandem to talk about the issue of gender and racial inequality. Both pieces broadly talk about dissatisfied social groups. In the “We the People” illustration, it is talking about gender inequality and islamophobia, and in “Fight the Power”, it is talking about racism. What these pieces have in common is that they are connected to the larger theme of civil unrest. They convey that when things are not fair for social groups, that it causes social unrest.
Some redundancy here. Try to keep the conversation relevant and moving.
At the end of the film, these differing philosophies play a direct cause in creating total civil unrest. These two pieces of art still characterize two dominant schools of thought to resisting oppression that are used by civil rights activists to this day.
This paragraph contains interesting commentary but could go further to bring the two works in contextual dialogue.
In the song it says “Our Freedom of Speech is Freedom or Death. We got to fight the powers that be.” This is a rallying call for those in the African-American community to take their liberation into their own hands by identifying the issues in their communities, coming together, and then organizing to counter the system that has caused those problems.
essay is missing out on more opportunities to think about how the song is constructed tonally and lyrically—and why its construction matters (which it does, and which contributes to how well it has been received)
The song is still relevant to this day because these same issues that Public Enemy is talking about are still being tackled by society.
vague
The Women’s March is the epitome of an example of civil unrest as it involved the largest civil protest in U.S history advocating for policies that would promote women’s rights, reproduction right, immigration reform, etc.
The Women's March is relevant, but this is an odd concluding sentence that takes focus off the work itself.
This strong image of the American flag being used as a hijab sends a powerful reminder that freedom of religion is one of the founding principles of our country, and muslims are included in that.
There several statements of this tone in a row in your paragraph here. Perhaps there are other ways to pivot around the image and consider its larger social context. What could you bring in to make the paragraph feel more concrete?
which is decorated as the American flag
a little more description in your narrative here—color, placement, design
The “We the People” illustration
Could you include it above?
I will be detailing what these two pieces have in common, how they are reflective of the times we are living in, as well as their impact on society.
Your thesis should divulge more than this. Less of a back-of-book teaser and more of exactly what the commonality is you are claiming, and perhaps where they diverge in approach.
He showcases his fun and outgoing side on the internet, but deep down he’s distracting himself from the overwhelming grief rooted in mourning the death of his father.
This region of your paper feels like another good opportunity to through in a telling detail of a scene or moment of the program.
one of the best writers
instead of having to say "best" or "worst," you could say a canonical American writer, or the like
to you, he might not be the best—these superlatives get tricky in such a moment
Everything around him is first blurred out and the phone takes up about 50% of the screen and after he takes a selfie, Cooper loses his smile and his facial expressions make it seem like he simply doesn’t care about the place anymore.
run-on
One scene
Could you include a still from the scene to look at?
“Playtest,”
."
Angel Boligan, currently considered one of the greatest cartoonists with 137 international awards, created “Let’s Play”
Could you include the image here?
My Modern Met
what is this?
The heavy internet dependency has caused society to be stuck and unable to enjoy life’s simplest pleasures.
Talk about what the texts suggest. Here your thesis is framed as a large-scale universal argument, but the paper genre is simply just a discussion of these two texts. In what you've said is a through-line you could claim about what both pieces suggest.
piece
cartoon (for clarity's sake)
It is likely for you to be living in poverty and to stay in poverty if you are a women of color or minority. You are more at an disadvantage if you want to have children or have children to take care of.
Avoid the second person "you" in formal academic writing.
In society now, women are portrayed as weak, fragile, and delicate.
What large-scale examples could you mention of this portrayal?
Some women get a higher level education (masters degree, PHD) and still struggle to compete for job with a male who’s education level is lower than the women’s. This is unacceptable as the women has spent thousands of dollars to get an additional degree, while the man can compete with her for the same job despite being unqualified
Certainly, but what data could you use to support this claim?
For example, a female elementary teacher would make nowhere near the amount of a male lawyer. The difference is just too huge. A female elementary teacher would make an average $43,000 a year while a male lawyer would make on average $96,514 a year.
This doesn't feel like a useful comparison for your essay. The wage gap refers to pay for the same job, not for two different ones. You say this yourself right after making this comment, but it's not clear why you've said this first. Perhaps just move to the next comment about wage for the same job?
For example, women serve in the Navy/Air force/ Marines
What perspectives on gender in the military could you consider as research in your conversation?
The stereotypes that society have for women is that they cannot handle these jobs because it requires top notch skills and brains. There are stereotypes where some believe that women are not as smart and skilled as men.
Use your research a little more to consider how these stereotypes are perpetuated. You're making a very important point, but want to see you give it more oomph and credibility.
They
watch out here—society isn't a "they"
Black Women Equal Pay Day, which happens on Aug 7 on every year.
same question as above —What is its history? How was it established?
The name of the day is Equal Pay Day which happens on April 2 of every year. On this day, women march and protest against the wage gap to bring awareness and explain how the wage gap is affecting their life for the worse.
What is its history? How was it established?
She says that women should not be scared and that they should be fearless to get it.(equal pay)
Consider the actual ways she communicated this concern—what she said and where.
Another example, is the famous case of Anita Hill. She accused Clarence Thomas, who was nominated to be the next Supreme Court Justice of sexually harassing her while she worked for him. She did not get justice and her case was dismissed, while Thomas went on to be a Supreme Court Justice. She is an great example of third wave feminism and the #metoo movement.
Her case took place many years before #metoo and arguably before third-wave feminism—need to consider in context
The #metoo movement is one movement that brought awareness to how unequal wages can cause negative side effects in the work environment.
Give some more concrete context here for your discussion of #metoo
Third wave feminism consists of sexual harassment, assault, and the #metoo movement.
This is in the end a bit of an oversimplification...
Having a baby will have negative effect on the mother, as mothers go on maternity leave, and will not be paid for the time loss.
Incorporate some research to add context to your point in this paragraph.
This is why I wanted to do my research proposal on the wage gap which women are still suffering from and explain the effects/consequences it has on women today.
It's no longer that you want to do this—this is now your paper.
If you fit the category of being a minority or women of color, you make less than what the average white women makes (80 cents). You would make an average of 53 cents (to a dollar that a men makes) as a Latina, and 61 cents if you were a women of color.
source?
Women can lose out to $10,000 a year because of the gap.
source?
She received significantly less than she deserve unlike her fellow tennis player (male) who received a significantly higher amount.
source?
Women only make 80 cents to a dollar of what a man makes.
source?
Specifically, the topic is about how the wage gap is affecting women and how they are protesting and having movements, and how there is even an Equal Pay Day,which happens on April 2 of every year, that was used to bring awareness and spread the word of the pay gap inequality women suffer from to this day, and it explains how civil unrest is related to the wage gap.
run-on sentence
Psychologically, binge-watchers may be influenced by the fictional narratives of the shows, learning “false facts” from fiction (McDonald 126).
what data or methods does McDonald draw from to make these claims?
Internet TV is the perfect way to describe Netflix, given that it provides the same aspects of TV with the ability to choose what show to watch.
not sure if this sentence is doing much for your essay
Online newspapers have become more readily available through the internet.
the growth of subscription models online complicates this perhaps? again, could use some by-the-numbers context
They can find any news article from any new source whenever they want. In 2017, newspaper circulation dropped by 11% for weekday circulation and 10% for Sunday circulation. This downward trend has continued since the early 2000s at its peak around 60 million circulated to now with 30 million circulated (“Newspaper Fact Sheet”).
front load this context---also speak to books and physical music sales. some data might be surprising
a former Silicon Valley entrepreneur: “The internet has triggered a consumer-led rebellion against the ‘essentially dead’ current business models of selling books, films and music” (Ollier)
this is a dangerous exaggeration
Television, on the other hand, requires a specific time and date to watch a certain show.
being why channels then offer their own "on demand" versions
Coincidently, Google and Facebook are rather popular among the younger generation.
evidence?
The decline of television primarily resides in the younger population of 18-34-year-olds. Q2 2018 viewership dropped 12.3%, slightly lower than Q2 2017’s viewership drop of 13.3%. In older age groups, 35-49, 50-64, and 65+, only ages 50-64 and 65+ remained relatively stable, having less than 1% of change in viewership in the past year (Lupis). Television is on the path of impending decline as the younger generation slowly replaces the older.
Your data undermines your claim. You may need to zoom out some years.
EWOM is essentially the better version of WOM, that was the result of the internet. There are many industries that have been able to thrive off EWOM, and for the entertainment industry, video games are the ones that has found itself benefiting from this change.
it's very unclear what is or isn't EWOM in this passage, and, overall, there's a strong need for data to breakdown what you're suggesting in the paragraph
This interaction is called electronic word-of-mouth, EWOM for short
This feels like a complicated claim to make—there are moments in your essay where a by-the-numbers representation would help establish the commonality of this method of access. I hypothesize that many if not most gamers, for example, still get recommendations for games based on news and reviews outlets. Would have to see by the numbers.
Without the internet, the popularity of video games would be rather limited.
video games were very popular without the internet
nd the viewer might see the product or service advertised and possible find something beneficial to them.
Need to establish a connection to your central claim—how influencers have disrupted entertainment and media industries
this trend
has become
Le Bon, The Crowd, 7.
need full citation
bipartisan nature of American society today
I think you mean the opposite. Bipartisan would suggest two political sides are working together.
. The results indicate that awe may also have similar effects. By shifting attention from the self toward others, awe may prompt expressions of emotional connection and emotional generosity in social media.”.
Don't end a paragraph on a quote. End it on your own terms, in your own conversation.
Circling back to the ways in which something goes viral the New York Times article that covers Trump adds a piece of study from Professor Richard L Rapson, that commentates on the effect of emotion on viral contagion; the author adds “[Richard L. Rapson], a professor of psychological history at the University of Hawaii, has studied virality through the lens of emotional contagion. H
Do you think it'd be useful to place this more general information about emotions before the Trump bit and then apply it to the Trump rhetoric example?
The uses of the symbolic contagion are ever present in today’s society as it was back half a decade ago. There is another factor that plays into the uses of these symbols, and that is the time we take to process the information that we are given.
This paragraph is ginormous. Break it up into some smaller chunks?
“The Popularity and Virality of Political Social Media: Hashtags, Mentions, and Links Predict Likes and Retweets of 2016 U.S. Presidential Nominees’ Tweets”
Woah...this is a lot. You could say something like "In an article for (publication), X and Y suggest that "..."
and presumably workers clothes shouting a call that I would assume is a call to be educated, which was one of the ideas proposed in communism, education for all.
please use in-text citations throughout the piece
This example shows how the unified mental inclination of the group furthered the symbolic contagion of the idea. In layman’s terms, it means that symbols breed similar symbols that have the same effect.
Very interesting. Still some of this is a little murky.
“But given recent events in the Middle East, we see how it also relates to widespread outbreaks of anger, disaffection, political violence, and revolution. Indeed, these events are a timely reminder of how sudden shocks to a social system can develop into a spontaneous epidemic, which, on very rare occasions, overwhelms firmly entrenched power institutions. There are, of course, parallels here to Le Bon’s [who was a renowned sociologist famous from his crowd psychology studies] concerns with the threat revolutionary contagion posed to nineteenth-century aristocratic orders in Europe. Le Bon understood democratic crowd contagion to be guided by a dangerous unified mental inclination toward images that could subordinate freewill, pervert the truth, and provoke revolutionary acts of violence. It was, in fact, the mass hallucination of such images through the unconscious crowd that became the mechanism of Le Bon’s hypnotic contagion.”
Again, woah, way too much. Be highly selective—just a light touch with the heavy material. And then use that material yourself, parrot into your own point.
This contributes to their respective semiotic regime and thus develops a bias.
Okay this is an interesting point—so something here about how feedback loops of rhetoric/demagoguery contribute to virality. Very interesting hadn't made these connections myself before in this way.
however, Virality: The Contagion Theory in the Age of Networks looks at virality in a not so frivolous way; in this case it is for more than a livelihood but for social dominance; This is achieved through developing bias
don't understand this; also the full book title repetition is a little weird tbh
Second, what spreads is said to occur in a representational space of collective contamination in which individual persons who become part of a crowd tend toward thinking in the same mental images (real and imagined). Like this, the reasoned individual is seemingly overpowered by a neurotic mental state of unity unique to the crowd, which renders subjectivity vulnerable to further symbolic contagious encounters and entrainments.
Over-quoting a little here. Be smart with it. Just flash a couple of phrases and key definitional moments while still driving the car, so to speak, yourself.
Whether it is part of our genetic code or not one thing is for certain. This quote supports the model of contagion theory obviously, but also points to the pre-determinant that instills the symbols with viral power; the process of contagion involves a pre-social affective, like emotions; the effect that emotions have on the mind of a community of hosts.
I don't know if you're really explaining/commenting on the quote you've provided here. Focus on explaining the resemblance and repetition part. Maybe you don't need the sentence about genetic data, if you don't want to confront it.
irality: The Contagion Theory in the Age of Networks points to this by saying
can cite the author above so in subsequent references you can just refer to the author's last name
contagion.”
page #
“Virality: Contagion Theory in the Age of Networks.”
don't need the quotation marks
Examples of emotions and symbols being a factor in virality are the Soviet Union’s programming/propaganda and the 2016 presidential election’s participation on Twitter, the subject of the election is one of high tension and emotion already since it has to do with American politics so there will be existing rhetorics that are in direct opposition with each other along with images such as the infamous red “Make America Great Again” hat
run-on
Drake rejecting a statement on the top text and agreeing with a better statement on the bottom text.
Don't exactly understand. Maybe an example would help right here.
illegal prescriptions
if the online pharmacy they are using is selling counterfeit medications...
Most doctors will not recommend for people to buy their medication online as they are aware of all the dangers that this can pose on a person.
how do you know this?
Based on all the research conducted, it is safe to say that the negatives of online pharmacies heavily outweigh the positives of online pharmacies. The amount of danger involved with online pharmacies is not a risk that any person should take. However, as people keep switching to online pharmacies for the lower prices of medication and convenience, the amount of these self-care websites will continue to grow and play a major influence in society
You haven't really covered the rates of successful or problematic pharmacy uses. Are most online pharmacy users receiving this fraudulent treatment? I'm skeptical.
What this shows
using the same phrasing each time
For elderly people especially, this poses a larger threat due to the fact that their immune systems are not as good as younger people’s.
very big jump to this point
You could be taking counterfeit medication without knowing and be messing up your body.
Avoid using the proverbial second person in an essay of this genre.
“This new market has undoubted advantages for patients: access to drugs for the disabled or housebound, access 24 hours a day, a virtually unlimited number of products available, relative privacy, which may encourage patients to ask questions about embarrassing issues, and more affordable prices. But direct access to health services, especially drugs, poses a hazard to consumers because it is difficult to determine whether drugs purchased online are counterfeit, unapproved, or illegal. Besides, the inappropriate use of medicines, the limited or nonexistent opportunity for advice (which blurs the line between willful abuse and unknowing misuse), and the risk of increased antibiotic resistance arising from their misuse have also been suggested as negative consequences of online purchase of medication.”
Not appropriate to have a quote this long, nor is this a very quote-worthy quote.
What online pharmacies offer is “better pricing than offline stores, with increased access, lower transaction costs and product costs, convenience and greater anonymity for consumers.”
source?
“An estimated 2986 online pharmacies were operating globally in the year 2008.”
What is this quote? (Also doesn't need to be quoted.) What is this source?
Prescription medicines are among the most counterfeited products worldwide with sales increasing as the years go by. The first online pharmacy that was started was in 1999 which was Drugstore.com and from there more and more online pharmacies were created. This was the first online pharmacy that offered a safe, secure service for customers. However, even one small mistake could cost the online pharmacy its reputation
Feels like this paragraph should have arrived a few paragraphs ago...
In my opinion, I do not think that there is way to minimize the influence social media has on healthcare because as the amount of people using online health websites or apps so does their reputation making more people use them and trust them with their diagnosis.
Don't understand...
However, some of these online pharmacies do not even ask for a doctor’s prescription in order to purchase a medication which sound sound sketchy right away.
example?
Many people cannot afford to pay for insurance and therefore, have a hard time paying the full price for medication.
Social context? Data?
What this shows
You often use "what this shows" as your follow-up sentence (your warrant) for pieces of information. Try to vary your syntax.
“The service users will be able to update their own health record with information regarding their current physical state (e.g. weight), diseases suffered from and relevant treatments (medication, operations, etc.), allergies and health-affecting habits (e.g. smoking or physical exercise). In addition, patients suffering from chronic diseases (e.g. diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, hypertension, etc.) will be able to store important indicators/parameters (i.e. blood glucose level, blood pressure, etc.) related with the state of their disease. Furthermore, the EHR may also contain results of diagnostic examinations in digital format, including diagnostic images such as CT, MRI, X-ray and others. To this end, any hospital or other diagnostic center willing to provide this additional service to its patients should have an appropriate broadband access to the Internet in order to be able to upload the information to a patient’s EHR. Finally, clinicians will be able to record a diagnosis at the patient’s request.”
It is not necessary or appropriate to quote for this long—with a quote that can be paraphrased for its most important bits of information (and cited).
Ever stop and think why you get email about something you searched up from random sources? That is because those sources got your information from the websites that you provided it with
Haven't you already said this?
More than one-third of U.S. adults use Internet to diagnose medical condition, author Michelle Castillo states “However, less than half — 41 percent — said that a doctor confirmed the diagnosis they made from online research. Thirty-five percent said they did not seek a professional opinion, and 18 percent said the medical professional or clinician did not agree with what they thought or had a different opinion about their condition.”
This is strong evidence for a few of your claims, but appears pretty lagged in the paper
Ever stop to think why random health websites send you emails even though you never went on them? That is because they got your information from that one website that you gave your email to.
This is an oddly combative tone for a research paper.
This shows that WebMD has no concern for a person’s health rather about what their bank account looks like at the end of the day.
This language is a bit inflated.
What this shows is how all these health websites, such as WebMD, are being paid off to give false information to clueless people because major drug companies paid them to do so.
I don't follow. What is the motivation for drug companies to do this?
“If you didn’t already know this, WebMD is the second most visited health web site on the entire web. The general belief is that it’s a first-rate, trustworthy source of “independent and objective” information about health.”
not sure how useful this quote is being to your paper
who do not wish to visit a doctor’s office
again, you have not provided any data that suggests people are using these sources instead of going to the doctor
As of 2018, there are approximately 330 million Reddit users and as the days go by, the amount of users also go up. This website is divided into different categories which include: reviews on items, medical questions, etc.
Some of this information would be good context when first discussing Reddit
Most of the time, these people will find answers to their questions as people that went through the same situation will talk about it there or maybe even answers from actual medical practitioner.
how do you know this is what happens most of the time?
Through the use of online platforms, many people use websites such as Reddit and WebMD to find out what their symptoms could mean rather than going to an actual doctor
but you have yet to supply any concrete evidence in this paper that people go online instead of going to the doctor, as opposed to and going to the doctor
What effect has the internet had on healthcare?
seems like the venue, The Guardian, is the important thing to mention here
As the internet keeps having an influence on some people’s lives, they follow what they are being told as “good” or “bad” for them by other people.
don't follow--very vague
due to the internet
what do you mean "due to the internet"?
All a person wants to do is to keep their body healthy and be vaccinated to be protected from diseases.
How do you know that?
Many people
You're making lots of claims about what "many people" do in this opening paragraph without any physical evidence or data.
Doctors recommend for people to not research their symptoms/illness online, as this could yield results that are way too drastic for what it really is. Doctors know that people will assume whatever they find online is correct which causes more stress over nothing. If this trend of using the internet to diagnose your illness continues, then the actual medical offices could get put out of business.
Which doctors? My doctor definitely suggests doing this.
people believe the Internet could be used as a substitute
the above data does not suggest that people believe that the internet can substitute for doctors; it simply says that people have used the internet to search for medical information—not the same
More people search for health online
seems like the venue, NBC News, is more important than the title in context
“IN ALL, 80 percent of Internet users, or about 93 million Americans, have searched for a health-related topic online, according to a study released Wednesday by the Pew Internet & American Life Project. That’s up from 62 percent of Internet users who said they went online to research health topics in 2001, the Washington research firm found.”
Doesn't feel particularly essential to quote, as opposed to paraphrase, this information (cite the same).
which may be due to photoshopped images
again just talking about photoshopped images seems like a limited scope for talking about body image issues in social media contexts
This hashtag sparked an international movement campaigning against violence and systematic racism towards African Americans. The use of hashtags could highlight the positive effects of social media since it is an efficient way to bring people together. With this being said, virality makes it possible for people across the world to feel connected to each other and lift one another. It would also be possible for anyone who is facing a mental health issue to gain support and give support. A simple hashtag being shared to raise awareness on how to handle mental health, or raising awareness on mental health, could be beneficial to one’s life.
There are sources to this effect that could support your argument with evidence.
racial themed memes
how often is that happening? to what extent is it an encounter for social media users?
As founded in the study done by Amanda Williams, “the cumulative experience of racial microaggressions is related to reduced positive effect and increased depressive and somatic symptoms.”
What does this mean?
While it is true that social media increases the likelihood of cyberbullying, others could argue that social media could decrease the likelihood of cyberbullying by spreading awareness on the issue and influence users to take preventative actions.
You are ending this paragraph on an entirely different point...
However, the defiance of society’s beauty standards through social media could potentially be destructive for users since they may experience cyberbullying.
The point of this paragraph is very unclear, as it jumps all around.
these photoshopped images
how often do photoshopped images circulate in social media venues?
According to O’ Reilly’s study the emotional consequences reported by the participants indirectly blamed social media for lowering self esteem because of photoshopped images.
I don't understand what you mean here. These images appeared in social media? I don't understand what the study found.
The concerns of social media use in relation to low self esteem are among the fact that adolescents who have low self-esteem indirectly blame social media due to the unrealistic and over exaggerated content.
Can't follow this sentence
higher PHQ-9 score
how were "high" and "low" scores determined in this study?
People use mainstream content as “inspiration” to become popular, and end up becoming just like everyone else.
Bring a source into the discussion that gives this point some support
In addition to this, the usage of social media distracts users from their creative process. Instead of focusing their time on their own production and efforts, users will adhere to the accounts of others which decreases productivity and innovation. According to Statista, in 2018, users spent at least 95 minutes on Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram alone. Now just imagine if they included all the social platforms. The usage of social media not only entails uncreativity but also depreciates one’s emotional wellbeing.
You're making several different claims at once—aim to focus on one clear point in this paragraph you want to make and providing details via research of it.
Social media is meant to be used for “self-expression, communication, and peer feedback” (Argo and Lowery).
considering the subject matter of this source, it seems like there are more pertinent uses for it in this paragraph than with this quote
likely to face has costly effects
are likely to face costly effects
How is it that social media, a platform created to bring people together, has been creating a divide between users who ‘are’ and users who ‘want to be.’
Is this a question?
These issues could range from lowered self-esteem, insecurity, and even depression.
evidence?
This “inspiration”
Not sure about your logic here. Their being "inspired" by others raises mental health concerns? This is a pretty big leap.
One result being that people who want to be viral, or try to be viral, are now at a higher risk of facing mental wellbeing issues
Evidence?
viral culture- the need or desire for one to feel or become popular.
Understand your point, but don't think this works as a definition of "viral culture" specifically.
With my research I have found how social platforms are really affecting us. Even though some of them have been positive, a vast number of them have been negative. With my research I can bring in useful knowledge of statistics and how to depict what is going on in society today. Some of the research includes the amount of time spent online and how many celebrities are signing off and how different studies prove the negative effects of social media on our daily lives. My research also shows how outside problems that are being introduced through social media are affecting the mental health of people around the world.
unclear
People have witnessed how social media has changed lives. From being able to have business meetings no matter where you are in this world, or to having connections with people thousands of miles away, or being able to discuss issues with privacy, or being able to follow the news around the world. People have seen how social platforms have motivated people and grown businesses and even allowed for online education and learning tools for anything you can possibly think of. At the end of the day many rather sit in a class room and watch a YouTube video or scroll on Facebook than pay attention. Many can’t focus on doing homework or studying for an exam without checking their social media accounts. Many will compare themselves to others and believe that they are not worth anything. Many are looking at posts that make them upset, that make them insecure, and lose their attention spans. Many are addicted to something so fake and just crazy to follow. Many feel fake vibrations in their pockets when there isn’t one. Many are addicted to something that was created to make our lives easier and more entertaining, a way to make talking to someone one hundred times easier. But instead it made life for some awful. No matter what it is very hard to argue the fact the social platforms have made life much more productive and much simpler, and as social media grows it will benefit us even more. But it also has its vast amounts of negatives which cannot be overseen. Studies and statistic have proven that social media is taking a toll on our lives but they have also proven that with moderation we can still use all of our accounts but be more productive, have better attention spans, and have less issues with mental health. To every person their own and some may even say that social media has helped them, but it is clear that for many the correlation between social media usage and mental health issues is a vast issue and needs to fixed.
no research here
Social platforms have taken over society today. Everything is electronic, everything is being shared and posted. Everybody knows what is going on in a different part of the country. But people don’t know how their best friend of ten years is doing or feeling. People dont know how to not write without shorting words. People are going online to solve problems and sometimes it really helps us, but sometimes it just makes everything worse.
generalizing voice without researched context
Many live for the moment to open their phone and see something new, to see what was just released by Supreme or Louis Vuitton, to see what some rich celebrity is doing on their thirteenth vacation this year. Many are addicted to this, and can’t live without this. Many can’t focus in class, and believe that they are not worth enough because someone else is, many see themselves as being poor or ugly or fat because other people aren’t, many rather stay at home and be to themselves behind a screen instead of seeing their friends because they don’t know how to fit in anymore.
inappropriate for the genre of essay this is supposed to be
Even though many people leave their phones, or turn off their notifications, or take a break from social media, they still have that constant feeling of not having enough information about what is going in the society, or not keeping up with the social trends.
by what measure do you say this—with what information?