Mine (Seth) is Seth.Graves.
Sample Public annotation
Mine (Seth) is Seth.Graves.
Sample Public annotation
Works Cited:
This is not a work cited page. Please review MLA work cited page formatting.
Social media has been a mode of communication that is widely adopted in the modern world. Technology rules our world. Communication via the internet has never been easier. Social networking is a mode of communication that allows us to keep in touch with hundreds to even millions of people. You get “friends”, followers, networking, and professional connections. You are “linked in”, being “tweeted” at, you are a blogger, YouTuber, you are “friends” on Facebook or on WhatsApp. The reality of keeping up with so many people would not be possible without social media. Our world became smaller and connections tighter. Good and bad found their place in social media the same way as it finds it in realms of the streets, schools, workplaces. Of course, being on social media provides us with opportunities that are greater than we could ever imagine. We can enlighten the world and share our experiences, teach how we create, or learn a thing or two, share our pictures or share recipes. The opportunities are endless. With new technologies, there are new opportunities for stalking, “trolling”, “ghosting” and spying on other people. However, new technologies are neither bad or good. They are inventions that help us get our lives better, or could them worse. The choice is ours, whatever we chose, technology will help us to fulfill it.
This is a well-crafted conclusion. It lands the plane, so to speak, with some detail and some style.
Social media is a very controversial topic. Many people have debates over both qualifying negative and positives of social media. However, if really considering the issue, the situation directly compares to weapons. Weapons are heavily destructive things, yet the weapons aren’t the killers. A weapon is simply a tool and can be used in various ways. People, on the other hand, are who pull the trigger or swing the knife. A knife can be used to prepare tasty dishes or kill people but it is the choice of the person wielding the knife who makes the call. Similarly, social media is just a tool. It can be used in various ways: creating relationships and staying in touch with people who otherwise we would be unable to contact. On the other hand, some nefarious individuals strive to use social media as a weapon, hence using cyberbullying as a means of victimizing people with a powerful tool that makes it much easier to harass people because you can do it from across the world by interacting with a screen.
Not sure if you need a paragraph to say it can be used as a kind of weapon.
This is an outstanding statistic, that approximately almost half of users have been a victim to cyber bullying, and is why social media platforms are trying their best to create a realistic, cost-efficient way of combating cyber bullying.
don't understand how you've organized the information in this paragraph
10 to 40 percent of kids
source?
Besides the report function that almost all social media platforms have included, there is a software called ImageVision which basically scans for keywords in people’s posts that may be related to hostile or threatening words. In this case, it marks the post for it to be later checked out by a human operator to make the final decision about the post
source?
snapchat
Snapchat
to Digital Spy
whom?
hughesnet
to whom?
Most social media platforms have included a feature in which people are able to report inappropriate posts and have them evaluated by appropriate people to decide whether to remove the post, leave it, or consider more aggressive action if the post is hostile
Consider how you are organizing your information, as your next paragraph seems to be about the same subject.
Due to the technologically advanced era, we live in, social media platforms have been preparing their apps to protect the privacy and safety of its users.
Review this sentence for clarity.
Instagram has reported that it has approximately 800 million users, and Facebook surpassed 1 billion daily users.
cite
As mentioned before social media is something admired by youngsters because it allows peers to connect through an elaborate database loaded with information.
unclear—lacks in concrete information
Bullying was apparently part of every child’s stage of growing up and didn’t seem to worry parents from a little name calling or some fights
overgeneralization
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it
not important to quote this—just use in paraphrase with your point and cite
“Bullying and Suicide.” Bullying Statistics
review MLA
People who are victims of cyber bullying are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University.
cite here too
but is not solely a result of bullying
not sure what your point is here
according to the Department of Health & Human Services suicide does not have a direct relationship with cyber bullying
cite how you know this
Suicide with younger people is a major issue in our modern society, and people seem to think that it is mostly caused by some sort of bullying.
Overgeneralization to say that "people seem to think" this.
This is proof
This is not proof. Data and evidence would be proof.
Your writing here hasn't fully taken into consideration what was just said in the quote and should—although the quote is rather devoid of concrete demonstrative evidence for its claims.
These people
who people?
“code of silence”
don't think you mean what "so-called" would imply
you could say "what the authors have described as" or the like—acknowledging that you are using their terminologies for "rule" (do they use the word "rule"?) or "code of silence"
The book Cyber Bullying : Protecting Kids and Adults from Online Bullies by authors, Samuel C., III McQuade, , James P. Colt, , and Nancy B. B. Meyer agrees
books don't agree, people do
you don't need all this—use context that's important
However,
Not sure about this transition word.
Tyler Clementi was an 18-year-old Rutgers University student who jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge on September 22, 2010. His last words, that he posted on his Facebook profile before he died, were: “Jumping off the gw bridge sorry.”
Missing in-text citation.
exclusion from an entire peer group in school
isn't this an example of being excluded from something?
Millennials have a constant need to be on top of what happens on social media, keeping them and their peers connected.
overgeneralization—you could cite data that suggests this is a trend
Despite millennials having a somewhat addiction to the use of social media network,
What information do you have to support this claim?
This is evident by the following quote from the article, “Bullies and their targets may struggle to develop and maintain interpersonal relationships. Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem affects educational achievements and income potential. One research project showed that targets of bullying earned less at age 50 than their non-bullied peers”
It doesn't feel important to quote this information, but integrate its points into your own writing (and then cite in-text).
by the light program
by whom? what contexts are important to presenting this source?
bullying can cause severe problems.
You've established this multiple times by now.
The more short term the issues are is usually as a direct effect of short-lived bullying experience.
Can't follow this sentence.
Therefore, bullying undoubtedly is responsible for anxiety and depression.
Not completely understanding how this follows the previous sentence, from the way you've written it.
It clearly states ‘“Those who were victims of cyberbullying were more depressed, they were more irritable and angry, and they were more likely to not feel like themselves than those who were not victims of cyberbullying,”
You have several sources that make the same basic claim. Spend more time talking about the actual details and results of the research these sources use. How do they reach their conclusions?
The article also states “Two studies examined the prevalence of so-called “bully-victims,” meaning teens who both bully others and are bullied. Research on offline bullying proves these kids to be most at-risk for mental health problems.“(Pappas, Stephanie. “Cyberbullying on Social Media Linked to Teen Depression.” Fox News, FOX News Network)
This material requires some further explanation and commentary to work.
Social media usage is extremely common for younger people which is why the risk of cyberbullying through the means of social media is so great. Kids’ minds are not fully developed at that age and when experiencing cyberbullying they can be at risk of developing various mental health problems that are likely to progress into adulthood. In the article, Cyberbullying on Social Media Linked to Teen Depression written by Stephanie Pappas it’s stated: “Victimization of young people online has received an increasing level of scrutiny, particularly after a series of high-profile suicides of teenagers who were reportedly bullied on various social networks.”(Pappas, Stephanie. “Cyberbullying on Social Media Linked to Teen Depression.” LiveScience, Purch)
Your source here isn't really providing much information, and you seem to be repeating the same base point without any specifics.
children bullied growing up can experience mental health issues at adulthood, which is most definitely not what nature intended
It seems like this paragraph is presenting a lot of the same basic information as the previous one. You haven't gotten to your specific issue of online bullying yet, so it'd be to your advantage to shorten these paragraphs, combine them, and reference both sources in dialogue with your writing.
journal JAMA Psychiatry
needs more context—a journal doesn't say something
someone writes something in an article in a journal
“Anxiety, Depression & Suicide: the Lasting Effects of Bullying.” Healthline, Roberta Alexander, Brian Krans, Healthline Media
Once again, review MLA style for in-text citations.
subjects were more likely to develop a psychiatric disorder that needed treatment as an adult, compared to kids who were not bullied
Is this specifically a study of adolescents who were cyber bullied?
we’ve all
who do you mean by "we all"?
(Whiteman, Honor. “Social Media: How Does It Affect Our Mental Health and Well-Being?” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International
review MLA style for in-text citations
Parental support has been found to decrease depression symptoms, which is usually an issue for those who decide to keep their bullying experiences to themselves rather than let it out to a parent or even a trusted adult or friend.
You need a moment that explains and places the quote in context. What's your point of using it? There's a connective sentence missing between the quote and your next statement.
According to the ALSPAC cohort in the article Adult mental health consequences of peer bullying and maltreatment in childhood: two cohorts in two countries, by Suzet Tanya Lereya, William E Copeland, E Jane Costello, Dieter Wolke,
Though this is a heap of words, it doesn't actually help the reader understand the context of the piece. Putting every author's name here does not help the reader understand the circumstances of its publication. What is ALSPAC? Where was this published? You can say "Suzet Tanya Lereya, et al." instead of listing everyone's names. And in MLA style place the titles of articles in quotation marks and title case: "Adult Mental Health Consequences of Peer..."
Besides,
Don't think besides is a logical transition here.
Whether these people are malignant people or just playing some sick joke is irrelevant. What this is describing is bullying. Nowadays bullying has taken on various forms but the one form that seems to be of constant use is cyber bullying. In today’s technologically advanced era cyber bullying can be done by a toddler with an ipad due to its simplicity, however, people are and have been seriously affected mentally and physically due to this online harassment.
This is very repetitive with what you have already said.
We were all created equal and it should be in everyone’s morals to uphold that equality on a day to day basis.
We discussed a couple of key essay writing rules in class: "don't preach" and "don't play god" that apply to this statement. Avoid language that talks about what "we all do" or "who we all are" or what "we should all do."
it is people’s mental and physical health in the balance
review your phrasing here—be clear
Being threatened through a screen can be extremely horrifying, especially if it’s done by an anonymous user. People can be manipulated, exposed, and harassed in all kinds of ways and have it done in the simplest of ways without even showing their face. This is why cyber bullying poses such a threat to society. The limits for cyber bullies are endless and can play with victim’s lives with ease, which plays a part in why social media is so dangerous.
This may all be valid, but it is a series of claims without any research for context. You need to support each and any claim you make with evidence.
from
seen from kids? review phrasing
but it also makes cyber bullying so much more effective
What concrete evidence do you have that it makes bullying more effective?
cognitive speech. The change from real-life social encounters to digitalizing socialization undoubtedly presents issues for one’s mental health and social skills besides the other negative aspects such as cyber bullying
I'm confused. What does this have to do with the topic of your paper?
going against human’s most useful trait: speech
How does social media "go against" speech?
changing socialization
what is "changing socialization"?
since most millennials and new generations are using different social media platforms from the start of their lives
don't see your point here
It is understandable the appeal
Review phrasing
Social media is a generally new way of socializing with the use of devices to communicate, post, and receive feedback for those posts all in a matter of seconds.
Confused by how you are organizing your introductory information
Everyone
who is "everyone"?
friend’s mother.
cite
cyber bullying backs this statement up
confused by your phrasing here—cyber bullying backs this up? think about what you are trying to say here
Communication, The Annenberg School For. “Penn Researchers Use Online Peer Networks to Increase Physical Activity.” YouTube, YouTube, 7 Oct. 2015, www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=117&v=wgo_3vi9dqM. Motamed-Gorji, Nazgol, et al. “Association of Screen Time and Physical Activity with Health-Related Quality of Life in Iranian Children and Adolescents.” Health And Quality Of Life Outcomes, vol. 17, no. 1, Jan. 2019, p. 2. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1186/s12955-018-1071-z.
Please construct a readable work cited page, organized alphabetically by first letter of the entry.
in poor vision and text neck.
suddenly new information at the end of your essay
We might be influenced to do good things or we might be influenced to do bad things.
vague
While social media influence can benefit a person, it can just as easily impair the individual. Each person is different and every person gets influenced by their own desires
Far too vague
A constructive by-product of the circulation of all this information has been the rise in the amount of health-related data available to researchers as patient experiences, responses to medication, as well as more qualitative information regarding their lifestyles than is often available through traditional medical consultations.
Plagiarized from https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2014/06/social-media-health/
The group has played a role in connecting MSc and PhD students with international mentors and forging links with the midwifery community which enhances collaborative working and optimal patient management. Women’s Health Facebook group now serves as an educational platform for the experienced and inexperienced therapist to share information on women’s health.
None of this is your writing.
The group is now well established with members from the CSP, APTA, APA, CPA and other WCPT member organisations
This sentence is plagiarized from https://www.physiotherapyjournal.com/article/S0031-9406(15)03308-8/fulltext
The members comprised women’s health clinicians, tutors, researchers, academics, post graduate and undergraduate students but also representing midwifery, oncology, urogynaecological and the obstetric medical community.
This sentence is plagiarized from https://www.physiotherapyjournal.com/article/S0031-9406(15)03308-8/abstract
The factors that set social media apart from other forms of communication include its immediacy, interactivity, and that the fact that a significant amount of the content is developed by the user, rather than the provider.
This sentence is plagiarized from https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2014/06/social-media-health/
Ideas spread faster which leads to less secrecy and more cures.
This feels like a very bold claim to make considering the general circulation of scientific information. Do scientific and medical researcher's findings appear and circulate in social media?
If we see an ad about the consequences of drunk driving by Att, we will be less likely to endanger in an activity like that therefore saving lives.
what information suggests this is an accurate claim? be clear
Advertisements
does not explain or contextualize quote
“Social med
no signal phrasing
(Chen).”
review citation
There has been a recent rise in media posts about the effects of smoking cigarettes
according to what data?
are used by media sources
passive voice
Implementing something as simple as an anonymous social platform had GREATER effects on participants. The human brain was built to need social interaction to survive so catering to those needs is much more effective.
This is a better moment—because you are providing context for your information. You need to spend more time in this piece explaining what your research and placing it in the context of your point.
it
What is "it"?
prevailed
what do you mean by "prevailed"?
is a big factor
vague language
You are more likely to be in shape if you follow all of these.
Who is "You" and by what measure?
There are tons of sources
data? context? how many?
a) For both influence measures, expertise ranking is positively correlated with influence ranking. Nearly all the entries of expertise categories have a value larger than 0.5. Note that our correlation analysis is based on large samples, i.e. n≥1000, hence a value larger than 0.5 indicates very strong correlation between expertise and social media influence. b) The correlation value of expertise influence ranking is significantly and consistently larger than that in non-expertise influence ranking for four domains.
You can only use this material if you are going to actually explain what these findings mean. Right now, you don't.
this
What is "this"? Explain and contextualize the material you just provided.
significant (Zhao).”
missing citation—unless the citation is Zhao, which would mean you need to put it outside the quotation marks
By understanding how social networks can be used to improve learning, performance, and organisational outcomes, we can use the power of human interaction to improve the human condition
This sentence is plagiarized. http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2012/07/10/3542020.htm
social platforming
what do you mean by this phrase?
You
Who is "you"?
had much quicker recovery times
so what? explain your point
There was a control group and variable group in this experiment where one was given exercise with social media intervention and one was given rehabilitation according to the specifications of the hospital.
Rephrase for clarity
becomes possible.”
missing citation
was dull
unclear—what do you mean?
utilized and measured social media to help the physical health
don't know what you mean—how are they "utilizing and measuring" "to help"?
For the adults who utilize the internet for health and wellness information, most said that they preferred non-professionals through social media when dealing with a personal or coping issue
This would be more powerful and clear paraphrased in your own words and then cited parenthetically.
Proper education and guidance is the key to becoming successful and makes for efficiency. A task that is being fulfilled with guidance will most likely be completed in a shorter duration than a task being done with no outside experience.
Information needs more commentary and articulation of your point.
i, 2013).”
missing in-text citation information
“63–74% h
missing signal phrase
Frimming et al.
who's this?
for all people as in all other content areas.
not sure what you mean by this phrase
Social networks are undoubtedly a revolutionary aspect in our generation. Whether it is used to connect with friends, or gain some knowledge, social media is here to stay. Since it has become so popular, many people have taken the time to analyze its effects. With about 1 in 7 people on this planet using networking platforms, it is slowly becoming the number 1 media outlet.
Opens vaguely. How could you more concretely engage your reader?
Social media has the power to influence people. We see things that we like and we are often persuaded to try it right away. Social platforms connect us to millions of people everyday and we can learn different things from everyone. Every individual has their own stories to tell, remedies to teach and culture to share. One of the fascinating topics to learn using social media platforms is health and wellness.
Very vague here. Spend more time on the specifics of your topic instead.
Bibliography MLA Cited:
Please alphabetize by first letter of the entry. Some of these citations need a bit of cleaning up.
The scientific revolution in the 16thcentury was followed by the enlightenment period in the 17th. I believe a second enlightenment might be upon us. The spread and flow of this information is freer than ever before; however, the grip over the public is now tighter and data about our patterns and habits are being stored. We are in a critical age, and my generation will see America transform, for better or for worse. The second coming of the enlightenment will depend on the questions we ask and how much attention we are paying. If we let governments lie to our face, or use deceptive truths for their own agenda, an Orwellian future might be our fate. I have faith in people paying more attention and thinking deeper about our government’s actions. Hopefully, we can revolutionize this system once more, effectively taking back the government from the TCC, making it once again, “a government for the people, by the people, that shall not perish from the earth.”
The tone here shifts, and becomes a bit over-grandized. Try to keep your focus on the facts you've laid out and what they imply, with a sprinkling of larger rhetoric.
I believe
avoid "I believe" and state directly—just assert with ample support for your claims
actually occurring within the states
Yes, but you are saying there are alternative motives.
Congress actually voted to fund a counter attack against an army of 20,000 guerrillas in the Amazon jungle… although Plan Colombia was originally intended…to be a multinational aid package, it has now morphed into a US military operation… Spraying chemicals on third world farmers is not an effective way to discourage people in the United States from using cocaine.
I don't think I'm making the connections you are
(Cosoy, Natalio. “Has Plan Colombia Really Worked?” BBC News, BBC, 4 Feb. 2016, www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-35491504.)
same as above— also, wrap this paragraph with commentary and transition
“A Flexible War.” NACLA Report on the Americas 48.2 (2016): 167-72. Web.
same as above
– IMPLEMENTING PLAN COLOMBIA: THE U.S. ROLE, www.govinfo.gov/content/pkg/CHRG-106hhrg69868/html/CHRG-106hhrg69868.htm.
same as above
Each year since its conception, the DEA has seen its funding grow for its operations
data?
“Nixon Plans to Unify Drug Enforcement Agencies.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 29 Mar. 1973, www.nytimes.com/1973/03/29/archives/nixon-plans-to-unify-drug-enforcement-agencies.html.
same as above
ext, I wish to focus on the use of policies in the Drug War that further the power and control held by the TCC. The Drug War is ultimately a failure.
Needs more transition. This is a huge jump. Without some sense of similar period or other connective tissue, it doesn't keep the reader focused. Utilize a transition and sense of focus here to keep it from falling off the rails.
We are mere rats in a cage being studied while data is collected to analyze our patterns and habits. Policies with the face value of stopping terrorism which greatly furthered the government’s grip over the public were passed during an opportune time for such legislation. This is an example of the government using policy that is meant for the “greater good” of the American Public as a form of control put into action by those who have the means to influence government. Again, I am not insinuating the government in place at that time had any knowledge or part in the attacks; I am simply pointing out that the government used this tragedy to further its cause and capitalize off it.
Leverage your critique with the information you have. Put the most explosive claims in the mouths of credible people. Utilize the ethos of someone presenting and interpreting facts.
This indication about the change of our relationship with the government is important because it shows that I am not the only that sees that our government is not a government for the people, by the people, and gives my claim more ethos.
I understand what you are doing here, but you can allow your method to speak for itself instead offering its meta-defense.
Barnett, Randy. “Why the NSA Data Seizures Are Unconstitutional.” Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy 38.1 (2015): 3-20. Web.
same as above
Why the NSA Data Seizures are Unconstitutional”, Randy Barnett states
venue of publication is probably important here
Morgan, Dennis, and Ozcan Saritas. Who Rules the World? Bingley: Emerald Limited, 2015. Web.
same as previous
This is not to insinuate that the PNAC, or the Bush administration (since Cheney participated in both) had some part in the terrorist attacks of 9/11. However, I do not believe it is entirely coincidental either.
This can be articulated in a less paranoid way. You could say that the administration took advantage... (and support this with research and other credible voices)
It is stated within this section that
It states that
Now that we have taken a look at how individuals get the power to alter our laws which ultimately
Not sure about how you are organizing your paper. Is the issue of PACs not also one of your subject of close analysis in the paper? This paragraph seems to be coming late.
It is quite apparent that war stimulates the economy.
Don't assume—articulate
tanks
tank's
The people’s belief in the government is the most important thing for the current government to survive and function.
Bring in the ethos of another voice to bring this claim home and give it strength.
The people will obviously not allow the TCC to blatantly pass laws that benefit them, so they often put a spin on these policies so they will have greater public appeal
Again, don't assume this is obvious (or true). Use sources to support any claim, and give yourself room for nuance.
By serving the latter, these public servants have more to gain for themselves rather than serving the former. We are offered the different sides of the same coin in our bipartisan government which work to keep our current system alive and squander any real differences in the ideologies about the way we live.
This is written here in a too-overgeneralizing tone.
are offered much of the same
be clear about what you mean
obviously
don't assume that anything is obvious
well
cite the speech? cite secondary sources reporting/presenting viewpoints and interpretations of it?
Her point is that these individuals in office tend to serve their personal interests and the interests of those who funded them into office at the sake of the general public’s interests.
considering this is a class on rhetoric, it might also be worthwhile to make mention of the (various) reception of the address
She points out how candidate’ campaigns can be entirely funded by special interest PACs that help them get into office. Once they are in office, these individuals now have the power to alter our government by drafting laws.
This is a situation in which her exact rhetoric would be important—i.e. a quotation from the address.
John Hemminger Prof Graves 4/25/19 The backbone of American culture and government is summed up in a few sentences written by Thomas Jefferson in 1776 in our beloved Declaration of Independence stating “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are … with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed …” America has a government for the people, by the people which shall never perish from the face of the earth as Lincoln would put it. This is the very foundation of “America”. We like to think of ourselves as the “role model” democracy, and since our democracy is the “best”, we innately, presumably, have the most freedom on the globe. Who are we to hog this “perfect” democratic system to ourselves? We are the protectors and developers of the “free world.” However, our government has not been established for “the people”. More accurately, our government has been organized and constructed in a way for “some” of the people more than others, specifically serving those with power within our society. From its very conception, our founding fathers had little faith in the common man and established a system of governance to limit their power over decisions for our society, by the way of representative government. Our country’s direction, motives, and purpose are not established by the people, but rather by a set of individuals with the power to influence our government’s representatives, consequently influencing governmental policies. This system has been going strong for almost 250 years with relatively few amendments to the original constitution. However, with the phenomena of globalization of capitalism and the spreading of “democracy”, the influence these individuals have allowed them to shift their focus outwards from gaining and establishing dominance not only over the people they help govern, but the world as whole. These group of people can be referred to as the elites,the 1 percenters, and the transnational capitalist class(TCC). According to an article posted on cnbc.com, this class of people now account for 50% of global wealth (Frank, Robert. “Richest 1% Now Owns Half the World’s Wealth.” CNBC, CNBC, 14 Nov. 2017) Well, if the 1% are greedily gathering all the wealth through manipulation of the system in place, why are the 99% not taking action to distribute this wealth (which equates to power in our capitalist system), so that the government can be truly for the people, by the people. This is deeper seeded issue dealing with how the system is established in the first place and the methods used to keep the 99% subdued. Through tactics of division of the 99%, the created illusions of choice of the representatives in “our” government, militarized police states and the industrial prison complex, and American economic dominance through war and American supported counterrevolutions in foreign countries, the TCC have been able to solidify their power, maintain their wealth, and strengthen their grip over the public. It will not be the government of the people, for the people until the people realize who really has a say in our government. To begin, we must look at how policies are put in place and established; then, consequently analyze the effects of these laws and who they benefit. To make or influence laws that shape our culture, our society, and the norms, you must hold office or have a substantial amount of money to lobby for your interests. Technically, anybody can run and hold office, given that you are not a convicted felon; however, running for office is extremely costly which ultimately restricts access to candidacy for all the people. According to Super PACS and the Presidential Election by Anthony J. Nownes, “In the 2012 elections, Senate candidates will have spent a total of $745 million. The average winning Senate candidate will have spent almost $10 million. To get this much money, a Senate candidate must raise almost $4,500 every day for six years.” Nownes also states that the 2012 presidential race cost each candidate $2 billion, $1 billion that the candidate raised and another billion from outside groups. (Nownes, Anthony. “Super PACs and the Presidential Election.” Juniata Voices 13 (2013): 77-80. Web.) Most of this money is spent on advertising, and most of this money comes from regular people. There are laws that limit individuals or corporate contributions to candidates or political action committees that contribute to the candidate. AT&T cannot contribute money directly to Mitt Romney, but they can however, create their own political action committee and contribute to it. These contributions are still limited. This does not stop the interest groups (the TCC) that MUST have their interests represented in the election. There are no laws preventing the amount of money that AT&T can spend on advertising for the candidate they endorse. These are independent expenditures that are not limited by the Federal Elections Commission. So, to get around these laws, corporations and interest groups form Super PACs (political action committees) that only spend money on independent expenditures. The laws limiting donations to regular political action committees that give money to candidates do not apply to these Super PACSs. Corporations or individuals can give an indefinite amount to these Super PACs that allow them to independently spend on advertisements and other expenses for the candidate they support or to defeat an opposing candidate. There was a speech before the house by house representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that
Again, be direct: In a speech before the House, Alexandria...
AT&T cannot contribute money directly to Mitt Romney, but they can however, create their own political action committee and contribute to it.
needs some factual nuance here
There are laws that
Be direct: "Laws limit..."
Nownes, Anthony. “Super PACs and the Presidential Election.” Juniata Voices 13 (2013): 77-80. Web.
don't need all this here—put a page number in parenthesis directly after the quote and then another page citation here
keep this in the bib
anybody
any American citizen
is deeper seeded issue
this is a
by the people
note: this is a question
technology will continue along with it.
don't know what this means
cam
can
it’s
its
processes, it’s
the
the? This would imply the reader already knows about it. You should present it here.
than humans, they
comma splice
most of society is just accepting the idea of what is happening
how do you know this?
social understanding
what do you mean by "social understanding"?
A study was performed to measure and understand human and machine interaction.
Passive voice. Aim to be more direct—just say what the study is and what it suggests.
New roles (AI and Machine Learning Specialist, Sales and Marketing Professionals, E-commerce Specialists, Social Media Specialist, Robotics Specialist, People and Culture Specialist, etc.)
missing rest of this sentence
began
begun
There is no true way to solve this issue due to the constant changing there is
Don't think the rest of your writing supports the idea that there's no solution at all.
get rid of the current patent laws
and replace them with?
Ravid
who?
If a machine is set to do accounting services, it changes numbers in order to show a much more favorable outcome, but it corrupts the actual data.
does it always corrupt?
A Government of Laws and not of Machines
what is this? be clear about your sources
fraud, the question
comma splice
certain things within their companies
avoid this kind of vague language--just get to it
, etc.
avoid "etc." in academic writing
In addition, to the “robots are going to kill us/hurt us/ destroy us” idea, technophobia doesn’t necessarily have to do with that. It can be fear in relation to the possible effects of the current and continuous advancement of technology. In other words, people
People may also fear
technophobia, AI
comma splice
questioned, meanwhile
comma splice
In this instance, the situation includes intentional torts, wrongful acts towards an individual, resulting in a breach of that individual’s rights. Torts law was originally established to provide remedies in a situation in which there is an invasion of protected interests, although its purpose isn’t to punish the wrongdoer. Negligence is used to punish the wrongdoer; it determines the conduct that led to the harm. In order for a person to be accused of negligence an individual needs to have done the following: breach of duty of care, causal connection between the conduct and said harm, and the overall damages caused.
Can't follow--can you put in your own words and relate to your thesis?
“The only reason a black person would be on my front porch would be if he were here to burgle my owner.”
use 'single quotes' when quoting inside a quote
For instance,
Need to introduce the quote more
There have been different forms of media such as I, Robot that have represented and possibly created technophobia in some viewers.
This sentence is confusing and feels disconnected from the rest of your paragraph.
Also, this paragraph is enormous! Please break it into smaller, paced chunks of information organized by topic sentences that connect each piece of your claim.
human interaction, torts law
? don't know what you mean here
A common example is “One algorithm w
Can't follow your phrasing into the quote here.
it’s
its
most creators
most creators? how do you know?
most of the time
most of the time?
It’s taken as a joke, but it’s not like they have more knowledge, faster, and more efficient than humans…they are.
Not sure what you're saying here.
Sophia and Hans who are being developed to be as human-like as possible
This is written as though the reader knows what this is.
A person who has spoken out about the fears of AI is Elon musk. He has
Very wordy
as phobias are defined as irrational fears
confusing phrasing
“Really, [name]? Really?”
lol
electronics, this
comma splice
Presently, there are no perfect looking robots that can carry out physical tasks, but we do have clunky cable filled robots that are capable of thinking and learning by themselves. It isn’t available for public usage, but simple forms of AI include google homes and other hubs. They may not be able to do things without human intervention such as suddenly think it would be thoughtful to make you coffee, but it will make you coffee if you tell it to. It may not have a physical manner of getting up and making you coffee, but it can communicate with other devices that can make the coffee.
What you are saying in terms of content is good, but spend a little more time on the sentences themselves. Aim to write them in a way that is more direct. I think you'd get a lot of insight here from trying to read each of these sentences slowly out loud.
Many of the cases
like which?
Metallic human-looking objects walking around humans, just like any other day. Adored by some, hated by others. Suddenly a crime is committed, nobody believes it can be a robot, because a robot had never hurt anyone. Very few people believe in the bad things a robot can do. Soon to everyone’s surprise, it was indeed the robot, the oh so innocent robot turned evil and hurt a human. Soon the robot decides to destroy mankind and it becomes an issue.
I see what you're getting at, but it's written in a very strange tone. For one, it's a bit too general. Even in just in terms of the sentences (the first is a fragment, the second is in passive voice, the third is overgeneralizing, and the fourth is a run-on sentence...) there is a disconnect here. How could you be more direct and engaging, while offering a similar start?
They even have a healthy living section, which is made for giving general advice on lifestyles and diets. WebMD enables people to instantly search their symptoms, have general idea of what they might have, and take steps to solve their issue.
Your claims here are lacking qualification—there are clear downside to WebMD that needs to be acknowledged concretely. WebMD is directly connected to pharmacological advertising—consider the impact that has on its claims to objectivity. It's also potentially (though I haven't personally researched this) linked to not going to the doctor when necessary. And people who have chronic conditions—i.e. who already know what they have—aren't necessarily benefiting from a site that concentrates on diagnosis. These are all considerations for your research.
Healthcare in the United States is extremely expensive, so usually we try to solve problems on our won when we can, WebMD proves to be a powerful tool for more accuracy and effective cures one can come across on their own.
Missing a conclusion for your entire paper here. Your paper wasn't about WebMD entirely.
According to WebMD, “WebMD provides valuable health information, tools for managing your health, and support to those who seek information. You can trust that our content is timely and credible.”
Don't quote WebMD saying that itself is credible.
According to United States Department of Health and Human Services, “TCM practitioners use herbal medicines and various mind and body practices, such as acupuncture and tai chi, to treat or prevent health problems. In the United States, people use TCM primarily as a complementary health approach.” Many of the alternative and complementary medicines pose no scientific evidence but are now used much more often with claims of serious benefits. It is extremely beneficial for people to use these medicines to help supplement their usual routine and get around their diseases and symptoms.
Paragraph is in need of more context and commentary.
According to Berkeley Wellness, “If you watched the Summer Olympics in Rio this past August, you undoubtedly saw quite a few high-profile athletes—most famously Michael Phelps—sporting large purple circles on their backs, shoulders, and other body parts, the result of “cupping.” We have since received inquiries from readers asking if this treatment really has healing power and improves sports performance. Obviously some Olympians (and many other people) think it does—but the evidence behind it is dubious.”
Less quotation, more commentary and relation to your thesis.
helped lead the public to increase efforts to legalize this powerful and stigmatized medicine.
Paragraph needs more commentary and interconnection to your central claim.
There have been videos circulating Facebook depicting an elderly man with Parkinson’s finally at ease and relaxed after consuming CBD oil.
could you say more?
“Greta Botker has been through more adversity in her short life than most adults. At the age of 7, she’s sampled a host of medications for her epilepsy: Onfi, Depakote, Felbatol, Keppra and Prednisone. She’s been on strict diets. She’s had brain surgery. Nothing reduced the 15 or so seizures she had every day since she was 5 months old that kept her from walking steadily, feeding herself or talking. Her parents, Maria and Mark, had run out of options. Maria and Greta joined a migration of parents who, after trying countless methods to ease their children’s crippling seizures, are packing up their families and moving to Colorado. How times have changed The state has become a refuge for those families for two reasons: Colorado has the most liberal laws for use of marijuana, and it has opened a market for a strain called Charlotte’s Web that is believed to be effective for people with severe epilepsy,”
FAR too long. Quote what you need and interweave paraphrase and commentary with the rest.
Social media has definitely helped escalate the movement to legalize the use of marijuana both recreational and medical.
sudden—needs transitioning
With the ease of transfer of information that the internet and social networks offer us, alternative and traditional medicines have made a serious comeback and are now not exclusively used in their place or region of discovery.
What research do you have to support this? Not saying you're wrong, but there's no data or evidence on this claim in your paper.
Who better to help a person than someone going through the same thing.
What are some examples of these Reddit communities?
”As for the second part of the saying about chronic illness — that it turns strangers into friends — that one took me a little longer to figure out, but it’s no less true. For many months after becoming sick, I was resistant to my illness, each day thinking that I might just wake up from the extended nightmare and magically be back to my healthy, normal self. I refused to think of myself as “chronically ill,” and avoided Lyme communities like the plague. But eventually, as the magnitude of my illness made itself clear, I joined the Facebook groups and also found many Lyme sufferers on Instagram. Although I haven’t met most of these people in real life, I’ve connected with a few here in the New York area, which has been a wonderful experience; they’ve become my clan,”
Once again, WAY too much quotation in your paragraph here.
Pre-Lyme, I was blessed by a solid group of ride-or-dies: compassionate friends like my pal since college, who generously tolerated years of freak outs related to my on-again, off-again musician hookup, and another friend whose apartment around the corner from mine was a second home where we’d regularly watch hours of PBS cooking shows and paint and collage around his huge dining room table. I thought that these pillars of support would be there for me in my time of need. Instead, the opposite has been true: As my illness has progressed, formerly dear friends have gone absolutely MIA. Calls and texts first slowed, then stopped; even when I outright asked for favors, friends were often too absorbed in their busy, thriving lives to make time to bring me groceries or accompany me to a doctor’s appointment,
You definitely don't need all of this quote—as it is FAR too long for the paper and not all relevant. I'm additionally confused as to what is relevant about the quote.
These support groups for multiple ailments have been shown to have changed lives. People can be living perfectly normal ambitious lives, they can have been generally healthy their whole lives, when all of a sudden disaster strikes. There could be a new disease which is chronic or disfigurement which completely changes everything. It changes how they are looked at by their so-called friends, families, significant others, acquaintances, co-workers, and society as a whole.
Feels a bit like filler
support group support
diction
Just knowing that there are other people like that in the world makes them feel less lonely and more accepting of what is happening to them.
Important points, but support with research.
People struggling with HIV/AIDS, cancer, cystic fibrosis, blindness, deafness, chronic pain, broken bones, depression, mental issues, as well as many other issues.
incomplete sentence
, is focus groups
be clear here—as Reddit is not a focus group, explain what you mean
eople have been misled about vaccines and going unvaccinated is a public health issue and Reddit is doing its job re-educating people.
A major missing aspect of your paper is a consideration of how this misleading information originated and spread in the first place.
the health of society
he won't have to worry about the health of society?
health, Lindenberger
comma splice